It's been a rough day...for all of us.

I'm sure everyone is aware of the horrible tragedy that took place in Connecticut this morning. At least 27 people were left dead, after a gunman opened fire in an elementary school......20 of the victims were children between the ages of 5 and 10 years old. Babies...

When things like this happen, I start to question everything. I question the actions of people. Like, why on Earth would someone, regardless of the problems they have with this life or anyone in it, decide that the only solution is to kill innocent, helpless, children?  What went through his head when he walked into that classroom? Did he look those babies in their eyes? See their fear, hear their screams? Did he care? Was he even there....or did he leave his body? Because the thought that someone could kill innocent children is just unfathomable to me.

I question God. Why would he allow things like this to happen? Is this our punishment for  the lives we lead? Or is it simply people being evil? Because I also have to believe that God is just as horrified, and heartbroken as we are. And I also believe that he is the one comforting those children now. Telling them that everything will be alright. Convincing them that they are safe. Holding them tightly in his arms, now that their parents are no longer able to. I don't believe that God is responsible for allowing this to happen.

I question sending my children to school. School is supposed to be a safe place. A place where your parents can feel good about sending you. A place where things like this just don't happen. And now, whenever my daughter gets on the bus, I have to worry about whether or not she'll make it home. I don't like that feeling.

All day, I have been trying to just wrap my head around this. And I've realized, it's just not possible. I keep hearing people say, "I don't understand." Of course we don't. If we did, this world would be full of the evil that is flowing through the people that do understand. These are our babies, our reason for living, the reason that the sun rises and sets for us. And the thought that someone could take all of that away from us in an instant is so frightening that I almost can't stomach the thought.

Tonight, my heart is heavy, and my love, and prayers are with the families, and loved ones of everyone affected by this terrible tragedy. I actually feel horrible that the only thing I can offer is my love, and prayers. It doesn't seem like it's enough. Although I'm sure the only thing they want is to hold their babies again. But, one other thing I can offer to them, are my words.

Today, you lost an extension of yourself. I'm sure it feels like you can't go on. And I'm sure you just don't want to. But please remember....we are all grieving with you. We are there, holding your hands. We are crying with you, and we are asking ourselves, "why?" We are lighting candles, we are saying prayers, and we are loving your children. And we will all be doing all we can to try and prevent things like this from happening. I don't have the answers. Stricter gun laws? Mental health awareness, and easier accessed mental health care? But I am very hopeful that by working together, we will find the answers. And maybe, just maybe a tragedy like this won't happen again. Because I have to believe that this is not what our world has become. It is too horrible to think that. But remember, we are all going through this together.

Please, everyone. Hug your babies tighter, listen to them, talk to them, tell them that you love them a million times a day. Tell them that you are proud of them, and that they can do anything. And above all, teach them to love others.

"What the world needs now, is love, sweet love. It's the only thing, that there's just too little of."

Feeling kind of down lately....

It's the holiday season, why am I so effing miserable? I have been doing everything I can to try and get myself out of this funk. But, it's not working. I mean, I have a pretty good idea why I feel the way I do....the stress of life.

Money is really tight right now, as in....we have none. ;) I of course have been doing what I do best when there's no money, spending it. I swear, I need therapy to deal with my shopping. There has to be an underlying reason for this shit. I find myself obsessed with giving my kids a good Christmas, and have went way overboard.  Even though, in my heart I know, they would be perfectly happy with just a couple presents, and Logan would be happy with a box. But, I almost feel like I'm doing the same thing my mom did when we were growing up. Overspend on us to shield us from the fact that money was so tight.

The kids for the most part are amazing. Logan hasn't had any episodes since Halloween, not that that means anything. But it still makes me happy. Joel just turned 3, and Ciena is doing great in school! But I still worry about them every damn day. I worry that something is wrong with Logan, and we're just missing it. He won't crawl, he won't pull himself up, he won't eat anything but purees, and even though I've seen him do it, he will not roll from his belly to his back.....which makes nap time difficult because he sleeps on his tummy. Ciena's sleepwalking/night terrors, and bed wetting are out of control. She usually goes in spurts with both, and has a good month or two, and then it's just bad. Well, lately, it's been bad. For the past week, she has been sleepwalking, and/or having night terrors every night. And as I've noticed, if she sleepwalks, she is almost guaranteed to wet the bed. The two are definitely linked. I've started making her wear goodnights to bed. She hates them, and that makes me sad. But I was literally washing linens every single day. Joel, well, he's just Joel. ;) But, he's great.

Sometimes, I don't really feel like a grown up. But not in a good way. I stay at home, so I don't have a job. Which means I don't earn any money. And even though what's his is mine....I don't always feel that way. Especially because I have such bad spending habits, although he always tells me that his spending habits aren't any better. I don't have any post-secondary education. And Rob, and I both want for me to go back to work once all the kids are in school full time. What will I do. By that time, I'll be 33 years old. I don't want to waitress, or work in retail. Nothing against those jobs, I've done those jobs. I just never thought I would regret not having gone to college. But, I do. I would love to take a course, but I have no idea what I would even want to do, and I don't have the money to pay for one. Lose-lose. I have never been approved for a credit card, because I have no credit. What grown woman doesn't have credit cards?! I guess, I just don't feel like I have anything. Except kids, which is amazing. I just wish I felt more like a grown up.

My weight. I seriously wonder if there will ever be a time when my weight isn't always in the back of my mind? I feel really, really shitty. I'm fat. Not chubby, fat. And for some reason I can't find my motivation. I try every single day to tell myself, "today is a new day, start fresh. You can do it!" But, I don't. Maybe it's boredom, maybe it's emotional, maybe it's just because I'm weak. Either way, I'm not happy. Looking at myself in the mirror, kills me. I don't want any new clothes, I pretty much just hate myself. And that is a difficult feeling to have, especially when I am trying to raise a daughter that loves herself, no matter what. The last thing I want, is for Ciena to feel this way, and for it to be my fault. I need to figure out a solution,  "one day at a time" hasn't been working for me. I'm just tired of being the fat girl. I'm tired of thinking everywhere I go, people are judging me. And, even though I know that it is partly my anxiety, and OCD, I'm also tired of going to family get togethers, and thinking that even my family is looking at me with disgust. I just want to feel good about myself.

Once again, thanks for listening, friends.

Who doesn't love a contest??!!

Hey gang!
A friend of mine is having an awesome giveaway. She has a Facebook page that you should all definitely check out, she does amazing work! The Printed Poet.

The giveaway runs until November 16th at midnight, so you should all enter right away! Good luck, and remember to check out her Facebook page!

Thanks guys!

A tough decision..

In the past little while, I have come to a decision that was very agonizing, and difficult for me. A decision that Rob had already made peace with months ago. We are not having any more children. I always pictured myself with 4 kids, but I know in my heart that this is the right choice for our family. But it is still really fucking heartbreaking.

The decision to have a child is one that (most) people think about for a long time before actually following through. We want to be in a stable relationship, have the means to raise a child, and you want to know in your heart that you actually want one. The reality is, even if you think you have all of these things covered, you don't. You have a stable relationship? Well, be prepared to hate your spouse with the heat of 50 million suns, all because he is snoring while you are up nursing the baby...again. Having a child will test the shit out of even the strongest of relationships. You will have to remind yourself everyday why you chose this person as YOUR person. Sleep deprivation, hormones, and just shifting your entire life around this tiny person, will mess with your head all day long.

You have the means to raise the child? Not so fast. Never in my life could I have anticipated the cost of raising a child. With your first, it's a little simpler. If you have the amazing family that I do, you probably didn't have to purchase much in the way of big things....but hold up. There's more. That nice infant carrier that your baby looks so tiny in, will soon look like it is housing a toddler. Babies grow fast yo! And soon you will be in walmart trolling the carseat aisle, and your eyes will e popping out of your head when you see the price. Even the cheaper ones are still usually about $150. And if you want one of the safest ones.....you don't even want to know the price.
apparently, safety is expensive. Who knew? Then there's formula. Now I only breastfed Joel, and let me tell you how wonderful it was to not have to buy formula. But not every woman is able to breastfeed, and not all women want to. I can tell you right now, Logan is 9 months old, and we go through a can of formula a week pretty much,and it's the expensive kind because all the other ones constipate him like crazy. Then what if you have a kid with health problems. For me, all I can say is "Thank God for benefits." Logan is on reflux meds, and without coverage, that is almost $100 a month! Not to mention he is on 2 puffers....that stuff adds up. So, to sum it up, kids are crazy expensive.

You really want a child? Of course you do. Who wouldn't? They are cute, cuddly, mini versions of ourselves. How darling! Well, let me share some truth with you all. In some of my darkest moments (thank you PPD) I asked myself, "what have I done?" I questioned my decision to have these kids about a million times. And many times I thought to myself...this was a mistake. Hell, sometimes I still think that! Kids are messy, noisy, mouthy(eventually), they suck the energy and life right out of you. And I have sat in the dark and cried while wondering if I should call my mom and ask her if she wants them? Now don't get too alarmed, this was only in my darkest times, and I know that was the PPD, and not my real feelings, but raising kids is scary. Especially your first. You spend a ton of time just trying not to break them, and all of a sudden you blink and wonder where your baby went. That absolutely is not an exaggeration. If you're lucky, you will love and cherish every second of your baby before they are toddlers....but if you're normal, you just survive;)

Many of those things played into our decision. First of all, the cost of raising 3 children is already proving to be insane, and that is with only 1 in school! I think about how stretched we are financially right now, and just think about 5 years from now, and 10...Next, pregnancy. I am not one of those women who loved being pregnant. I actually hated it every time. It was painful, I didn't have control of my bodily functions, I got uglier with each pregnancy(true story) and to this day, I swear pregnancy has made my ears bigger! My first pregnancy was a breeze, no morning sickness, I felt perfect, and until the last month when I was put on bedrest due to hypertension, it was awesome! Then after Ciena turned 2, I had 2 back to back miscarriages, one being a twin pregnancy. I lost my spirit. After that, I wasn't sure I wanted to have another baby at all. I can't even put into words what a pregnancy loss does to you. It makes you resent your own body, it takes something away from you. And each subsequent pregnancy is just not joyful. It is filled with anxiety, and worry. That is exactly how I would describe my pregnancy with Joel. I spent so much time convincing myself that he was dead, and to prepare myself, that by the time he was born, I was emotionally worn out. With Logan, I was hopeful, but then at 10 weeks I bled, a lot...I was sure I had miscarried. But then after waiting in the ER for 6 hours, I saw the loveliest little heartbeat there ever was. It turned out I had a subchorionic hematoma. I was put on bedrest for 2.5 months. This last pregnancy took so much out of me, that I just know I can't do it again.

Then there's Logan's health problems. He is delayed in a few areas, of that I am sure. I'm not sure if that's due to his episodes or not, but that's what my gut is telling me. He is still having episodes, usually months in between them, but just when you think they are gone for good. Bam! There they are again. He had one so bad yesterday while he was sitting that it actually caused him to fall over, and I could trust him to sit unassisted:( I pray everyday for my little man to be okay, but I can't help but feeling that there is something we are missing.

 When Rob, and I first discussed the idea of our family being complete, I admit, I wasn't on board. I really did always picture myself with 4 kids. And the thought of never holding my newborn squish again, broke my heart. First smiles, baby smells, rocking a freshly bathed baby to sleep, nursing my newborn.....it all seemed impossible to do without one more time. But the more I thought about it, I realized that was the only thing I was mourning. The loss of all the newborn things. Knowing that Logan was my last baby. Knowing that this was it, I would never have a newborn again. But I wasn't even thinking about the lack of sleep, the worry, the pregnancy, blah blah blah. I just wanted to hold babies. So now, I am just soaking it all up. Logan is my last baby, and I am just loving seeing all of his "firsts" knowing that I am appreciating them that much more, since he's my last. And when I think about someday being able to catch up on my sleep with no more newborns to interrupt it, well that gets me through my sad moments:)

Halloween makes me think about you....

I remember that night so clearly.

It was my very first night closing the restaurant. And also Halloween night. The night had been pretty decent, even at the busier times. I was on my own in the dining room, so I was just happy that I hadn't made any mistakes. Finally the restaurant had died down, and I could relax.

Then one of the guys from the kitchen said that two women were at the back door, and needed to talk to me. For some reason, I didn't even consider that anything could be wrong. I just assumed that it was a couple of friends of mine. Why they would be showing up to see me at work at 10:30 on Halloween night wasn't something that entered my mind. I went into the kitchen, and saw my mom, and my Aunt standing at the door. Right away I knew. "Grandma Sharon" were the only words my mom could get out before I fell to the ground. I hit the floor before anyone could catch me, and I didn't care. I just wanted to lay there, I wanted to die...

To say that I was close with my grandmother, would be an understatement. She was one of my best friends. She supported me in anything I did...even when everyone else said I was wrong. She had an amazing sense of humour, and made me laugh constantly. She was so selfless. Everything she did, she did for others. And although I'm sure there are many people who knew her would say that some of the things she did were questionable, and I would agree, the thing is she still did those things completely for someone else. Her heart was always in the right place.

When I was a young child, I only saw my grandma in spurts. She was a heavy drinker, and was also taking a lot of medication, so I'm sure you could guess what that was like. She would frequently lay on her couch and call all of the grandkids over and tell them that she was dying, and we were never going to see us again. And she would be crying the entire time. Needless to say, we were all freaked out. So there were many times when my parents wouldn't allow us to visit her, as she was quite unstable. But then, she cleaned up. She stopped drinking except for a drink here and there. She was much more responsible, and I enjoyed being around her.

The December before my Grandma Sharon passed away, my great grandma passed away. She was my grandma's mother. Her death was very hard on my grandma. She saw my grandma everyday, she even made her dinner for her every single night. My great-grandma would drive to my grandma's and pick up her dinner, that was what tipped my grandma Sharon off that something was wrong with my great-grandma....she never showed up. If it weren't for my grandma Sharon going over there, who knows how long it would have been before someone discovered my great-grandma. I don't even want to think about it.

Exactly a week before my grandma Sharon passed away, all of our family got together. I am so thankful for that. I hadn't had a family birthday party in years. But I had moved out on my own that year, and missed seeing everyone. So I decided to have a party. My grandma was the happiest I had ever seen her. She dressed up, and told me that she got a new dress just for the occasion. She was beautiful. We all had a fantastic night. I will remember it forever.

I talked to my grandma 2 days before she passed away. She was sick, with a cold. But we discussed plans for the following week to go to the cemetery, and visit my great-grandma's grave. Then it was Halloween, and she was gone. The autopsy later showed that she passed away from heart and lung complications. She had smoked all her life, but had just recently quit. She was so proud of herself. We're not entirely sure, but we think she may have had pneumonia. Either way, I got in the car with my mom, and Aunt, and we drove to my apartment where I tried to explain to my boyfriend what had happened while I packed a bag to stay with my mom. The next week was one of the most horrible of my entire life. I barely remember any of it. I just remember wanting to hug her, kiss her, tell her I loved her again. I wanted to hear her say "I love you Angel girl." like she did every time I saw her....I just wanted her back.

Now I have kids, and kids love Halloween. And as much as I try to stay positive for them, I am sad every single year on Halloween. Missing my grandma. And hating the fact that she never knew my kids. That is the cruelest thing I can imagine. I tell the kids as much about grandma as I can. Ciena always says, "She would have loved us!" Yes honey, she would have:(

"Family is the only thing that isn't replaceable."

I had the best talk with my brother last night. We text quite often, but we don't always have a chance to call each other on a regular basis. But last night, he called me, and we spent 2 hours talking about everything. From our childhood, to relationships of past and present.

I am so thankful to have a brother, who is not only my sibling. But also my best friend. Knowing that I could tell him anything, and he wouldn't judge, is a great feeling.

Growing up, my brother and I were always close. I mean, we fought like all siblings. But, at the end of the day, it was just the two of us. Things between my parents were not great, and sometimes it felt like R.J, and I only had each other.

My brother makes me laugh, more than anyone else. That's one of the greatest qualities he has, his sense of humour. Luckily we both have an extremely immature sense of humour;) He is very sympathetic to what people are going through. And he would be the first one to help you out, if you needed him.

I am so proud of him. I have thought to myself many times over the past few years, that I had hoped he would turn his life around. There were many issues, and things that were preventing him from holding down a job, or being motivated to do anything. We had many fights, and stress regarding all of this. I remember thinking to myself, "if he keeps this up, will he still be around 10 years from now?" That thought scared the shit out of me. The thought of losing him, and not being able to talk to him anytime, was the worst feeling I've ever had. There were multiple times when he just wouldn't come home, and he would be gone for days at a time. My mom, and I would be texting every friend he had, just trying to find him. And finally he would show up, and act like it was no big deal that he just dropped off the Earth for 3 days. Those times were definitely trying, and I had every hope that one day, we would laugh about it.

In the past year, I have seen my brother completely change, for the better. He found a job. One that he likes, and he is good at, and he has been working at the same place for almost a year. He has significantly cut down on his drinking. He has moved out on his own. In a word, he has grown up!

He has always been a musician, an excellent one too. Quite a few years ago, he started a band. The members have changed many times, but one thing that hasn't changed.....the music. R.J puts his heart and soul into this music. He is going to change the face of music, that much I know for sure. And I'm sure anyone who has heard his music, would agree with me.

During our talk, we came to the conclusion that, "The only thing that isn't replaceable, is family." We know that anything that has happened in our lives, the one constant is family. We are, and have always been there for each other. And that will never change. I only hope that one day, my kids will feel the same way about each other. I want that for them. To always love each other, and always be there for each other, no matter what happens.

I am so proud of you R.J I know I told you this last night, but you deserve to hear it again. You are an amazing person, and you deserve everything you wish for in this life. You have completely turned your life around, and I love you. You are the greatest Uncle, and friend. I love you so much, and just thought you should know<3

What are you thankful for?

It is my favourite time of the year. The leaves are changing colours, it's cool enough to wear a sweater, and no more shorts...which means I can officially stop shaving my legs:)

Fall time!! It also means that my birthday is in just a few short weeks. Not that birthdays mean a whole lot after you become a mom.

It's also that time of year where you gather with your family, and think about the things that you are thankful for. So I decided to make a list. Now bear with me, this may get long;)

I am thankful for three beautiful children. They are my world, and the reason I get up in the morning.

I am thankful fr a loving husband, who annoys the ever loving shit outta me. But who I would live this life over, and over again with.

I am thankful for wonderful parents, who I am also proud to call my friends.

I am thankful for my wonderful brother, who has made me so proud in the past year that it makes me cry just thinking about it. Rj, you are a wonderful person, and the changes that you have made in the last year are incredible. No matter what you do in this life, it will be amazing, because that's what you are<3

I am thankful for an extended family that I love like crazy. I have the best aunts/uncles/cousin/grandparents a girl could ask for.

I am thankful for my friends. I have been more than blessed in this area. To all of you, near, and far...I love you all.

I am thankful for a warm house, on a cold night. Because I know many are not as fortunate.

I am thankful that I am able to complain about my weight.....because that means that I'm not starving.

I am thankful for people who have come and gone from my life, for whatever reason. They have had some hand in making me the person that I am today.



I have so much to be thankful for. And I think it's easy to forget that sometimes. There are always going to be things that break you down, and push you to your breaking point. But...you're alive! Live, love, make mistakes, build bridges, burn bridges, sing, dance, laugh, cry.....but overall, be thankful. Be thankful that you are able to do any of these things. Because life is so precious.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

I need to get serious for a minute.....

Something has been eating away at me for the past week. I started reading a blog about a mother who had lost her 3 year old son to neuroblastoma. Now, anyone who knows me, knows that the only blogs I really follow are the depressing as shit ones. I have no idea why, I usually spend my nights in front of my laptop, bawling my eyes out while catching up on all of them. It's a sickness really. But this blog was different...

I usually start new blogs by reading the first post, and catching up. I literally couldn't stop reading. I have never ever felt this way about a blog. I have never felt someone else's pain in my very soul, like a stomach ache that won't go away. At one point, while reading a post I was sobbing so loud that I woke up my husband. Which pretty much totally freaked him out. As I kept reading, I realized how little I know about childhood cancer. I mean, maybe it's an ignorance is bliss type deal. Like something you don't ever think can happen to you. But it can. The stats I was reading made me feel sick to my stomach. The more that I read this blog, the more I realized that I had taken the simplest things for granted. Like the luxury of tucking my kids in at night, or reading "just one more story" even though all you want to do is go to bed. Having a baby wake me up during the night didn't bother me as much, because some people's babies are no longer with them, and they would give anything for a sleepless night like I had. I started looking at everything differently. And then I felt ashamed, and guilty. Because it shouldn't take someone else losing their child, and sharing their wounds, raw, and real with the world, just for me to realize how amazing my life is. I should already know.

Suddenly the fact that my kids sleep in my bed every night, didn't seem like that big of a deal. The fact that we couldn't afford to go away for the weekend, seemed like a ridiculous thing to be upset about. And why on Earth did it take me reading about a mother's pain and anguish, to see all of this? I think it's because we all live in a bubble. We go about our lives, and we take things for granted everyday. We get frustrated with our children for doing things that kids do. We work too much, we drink too much, we don't laugh enough, and sometimes we don't love enough. I know I've been guilty of this. Juice gets spilled on the carpet, I'm upset. Why? It'll come out, and even if it doesn't....who cares?? The fact is, our kids are growing up before our eyes, and if you're like me, you may have blinked, and years have flown by. And knowing that there are so many parents losing their babies everyday to a disease that sucks the life right out of them, almost tears my heart out.

I'm going to leave you with some facts, and statistics. They aren't pretty, so you've been warned. And I urge you, if you do nothing else after you read this, please at least read about childhood cancer, educate yourself. You may think there's nothing you can do, I feel that way sometimes too. But it's not true, there is ALWAYS something that can be done, even if that something is just sharing your knowledge with other people.

There are about 10,000 children living with cancer in Canada today.

Each year, about 1500 cases are diagnosed

Because of significant advances in therapy, 78% of these children will survive 5 years or more, an increase of almost 46% since the early 1960s.

More than 70 percent of children diagnosed with cancer become long-term survivors and the majority of them are considered cured. However, long-term effects of surviving the treatments for childhood cancer can affect these children's futures.

In the early 1950s, less than 10 percent of childhood cancer patients could be cured.

Leukemias, tumors of the brain and nervous system, the lymphatic system, kidneys, bones and muscles are the most common childhood cancers.

In Canada, childhood cancer remains responsible for more deaths from one year through adolescence than any other disease; more deaths than asthma, diabetes, cystic fibrosis and AIDS combined.

Childhood cancers have close to a 75% cure rate, with leukemia leading the success charge with close to 90% overall cure rate.

About one in four children who are diagnosed with cancer will die of the disease.

With a mortality rate of close to 25%, Canada loses tens of thousands of years of potential life each year to childhood cancer. In terms of potential life saved, childhood cancer rank second only to breast cancer.

Childhood cancers differ from adult cancers. Adults are most affected by breast, lung, prostate, bowel and bladder cancers. Children are most affected by acute leukemia, tumours of the brain and nervous system, the lymphatic system, kidneys, bones and muscles.

Leukemia is the most commonly diagnosed cancer in children, comprising some 30% of the total new cases diagnosed each year. Acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL) is the most common form and comprises about 75% of these cases. Peak incidence is at two to three years of age, with boys 20% more likely to contract the disease. Survival rate is now 95%, with a 30% relapse rate.

Lymphomas and cancers of the central nervous system are the second most diagnosed children's cancer, at 17% of total cancers diagnosed.

Sarcomas, or cancers of the muscles, bones, nerves, fat, blood or connective tissue are next at 12%, with boys 25-30% more likely to contract this form of cancer.

Neuroblastomas, which represent 95% of tumors in the sympathetic nervous system, represent 5% of all childhood cancers.

^Funding
There are 15 children diagnosed with cancer for every ONE child diagnosed with pediatric AIDS. Yet, the U.S. invests approximately $595,000 for research per victim of pediatric AIDS and only $20,000 for each victim of childhood cancer.
The government recently CUT the budget for Childhood Cancer research. As a nation, we spend $14 BILLION per year on the space program, but only $35 MILLION on childhood cancer research per year.
Pediatric cancer research does not receive nearly as much funding as adult cancer research projects. Rhabdoid research dollars are scarce as most money is diverted to well-publicized adult forms of cancer.
Although the large, broad cancer organizations do great things, very little of their resources go to Pediatric Cancer Research. The American Cancer Society provides only 1.85% of dollars spent on research, to be spread over all 12 types of childhood cancers.
If you had donated $100 to Relay for Life hoping to show your support for the child honorary chairpersons, $12.50 would have gone to research adult cancers while only 70 cents would have gone to childhood cancer research. How much of that 70 cents would be for Rhabdoid research? NONE!
The National Cancer Institute's (NCI) federal budget was $4.6 BILLION. Of that breast cancer received 12%, prostate cancer received 7% and only 3% of goes toward Pediatric Cancer research. Thats 3% of ALL kinds of Pediatric Cancers combined!
The American Cancer Society spends less than 70 cents for each 100 dollars raised on childhood cancer.
Pharmaceutical companies fund over 50% of adult cancer research, but virtually nothing for kids.
Even with insurance coverage, a family will have out-of-pocket expenses of about $40,000 per year, not including travel.
An estimated 80 million people have health insurance insufficient to cover the costs of a catastrophic illness such as childhood cancer. It is estimated that as many as 50% of families with children battling cancer will be forced to file bankruptcy!

I couldn't find the facts for the funding of childhood cancer in Canada, but I'm sure it's about the same. It's time for a change. Help give these babies a voice. We can make a difference!

Here is a link to the blog I have been reading.
http://rockstarronan.com/

 

Disappointment

It's weeks like this one, where I remember what it was like to be a kid, and be looking forward to something so much just to not be able to do it. That heavy disappointment in your chest. Everything feels so much...more, when you're a kid. But I feel like that right now.

The weekend away that I have been planning for Rob, and I's anniversary for almost 2 months, that was suppose to be happening this weekend.....yeah, it's a no-go. We were suppose to go across the border to Niagara Falls NY. We were leaving Friday, and coming home Sunday. It's all I have been thinking about since I booked the hotel. Sleeping in, shopping, dinner, and time alone with my husband. It was going to be great. But after seriously looking at our finances, we kind of realized that it's not in the budget right now. Well, actually, HE said it's not in the budget right now....which he isn't wrong about. But that didn't stop me from bawling my eyes out for over an hour before I cancelled our hotel room. I felt like such a baby. Like, really?? This is not that important in the grand scheme of life, but to me, it really was.

Things around here have been hard lately. There are many days where I feel like my marriage is in serious danger. I have never been a quitter, and I don't plan on walking away, but the fear is still there. Mostly because of things that are out of my control, but are affecting me just the same. So, when I booked this trip I looked at it like a rescue of sorts. We needed this! To get away, to spend some time together, just the two of us. Time where I couldn't escape to my laptop, and Rob couldn't escape to his garage. Time where we were forced to spend an entire weekend together. We don't do anything alone anymore. It's not because of the kids, we pretty much always have a babysitter in my mom. She is more than willing to take the kids whenever she is able to. But, I guess ever since we had the kids, we haven't made our time together a priority. I would love to have "date nights" But I can't even bring that up to Rob, because then he tells me that all I ever want to do is "spend money" Even if my mom does take the kids overnight, Rob usually spends most of the day outside in the garage. If I cared at all to inhale gas, and oil, and watch him fix lawnmowers, then I guess I'd be in Heaven. So usually he'll come in at dinnertime, he'll eat in front of the t.v., and I'll eat at the table. Then a little while later I'll hear him snoring in his chair. Fun, right?? I just wanted this weekend, I wanted the time together.

I guess there wasn't much point to this post, other than me being a whiny baby. Venting my frustrations about the whole situation. Which is partly my fault. Our finances haven't been great for quite some time, but I still buy a ton of stuff that we don't need. I think the fact that we are home all day, and sometimes bored plays a part in the spending. Not to mention that grocery shopping kills us! There are a ton of changes that we need to make around here. I get that. I just wish we hadn't realized that this weekend:(

First week is over!!

First week of school that is. My big girl is in grade 1.....how??? When I think back to her very first day of school, the time between then and now seems like such a blur. It's like almost 3 years has went by in the blink of an eye. And now, grade 1. A whole new world. Going to school everyday has already taken it's toll on my sweet girl, who has been fast asleep at 7:30 every night. Not that I mind, since I'm in bed by then too;)

She is such a little lady now, we went school shopping, and my girl didn't want even 1 pair of pants. Only skirts and dresses. So then she had to pick out lots of pretty tights, and accessories, including scarves.....when did it become a thing to wear scarves as an accessory? If I put on a scarf, it's because it's -10. It has occurred to me how sad it is that my 6 year old knows more about current fashion trends than I do.

I also have to brag about Joel. I was hoping that his attitude would improve once Ciena went back to school. He would be getting more attention, and we would be back into some sort of routine around here. And I was right!! We haven't had any significant tantrums all week long! He has been so great, and I have been praising him like crazy about it in hopes that he would realize that he would rather behave. It's been so nice and peaceful around here. I feel a million times different than I did before the summer started. Logan was very colicky for the first almost 4 months of his life, and with the reflux...I really love that he is doing so much better. It's nice to be able to give attention to both boys during the day. I feel like a better mom:)

Now some pics!
First day of JK

 

First Day of SK



First day of Grade 1

 

 

Kickin' it old school

Sorry, I've been MIA. I destroyed my laptop after tripping over the power cord in a sleepy stupor one morning....so I was forced to use my desktop, in which the keyboard has a broken space bar. But I finally got myself a new laptop last week, so I can bore you to tears again!!

This post was brought on by an argument that Rob, and I had the other night. He started whining about the fact that I don't make him a lunch for work. Now, we have jokingly discussed this before. But never in a serious way. When Rob, and I moved in together, before the kids, I not only got up with him to see him off to work at 4:30 in the morning, but I also made him his lunch everyday. At the time it was something that worked for us. We both worked, but I still made sure I did this. Things have changed...

I honestly cannot remember if I still made him a lunch after Ciena was born, it's possible. She was a pretty easy baby, and slept good at night, not to mention there was only one of her;) Now I will say, that Rob and I both discussed whether or not I should go back to work after Ciena was born. We decided TOGETHER, that as long as we could afford it, I would stay home with the kid(s).  Early on in this arrangement things were not great. I was making next to nothing in regards to mat leave, and baby bonus. We went back and forth between having one vehicle, and 2. So usually, I was stuck at home, in the middle of nowhere with a baby. To say that I felt lonely, isolated, and sad is an understatement. I loved staying home with my daughter, but I hated how monotonous my days were. Everyday was groundhog day. Even if I did have a vehicle, I had no money to do anything.

Even if I did have a vehicle, I had no money to go out and do anything. At that time, even though it wasn't actually said out loud, Rob's money was very much "his money" I had to ask him for money for anything I wanted or needed, or if I wanted to have lunch with a friend. I felt like a child, and it was humiliating. Then he came up with this genius idea. He would give me an "allowance" of $100 a week. Now let me tell you, I realize now how disgusting, and disrespectful that sounds. I wasn't bringing in any money, but I was home with our daughter everyday. And if I could shake the shit out of my former self, I would. But back then, I was ecstatic!! "Yay, $100 of my very own!!" I really didn't understand when my friends were telling me how messed up that was. I get it now...

I'm not sure when things changed, or when I woke up? Maybe when Rob would refuse to give me his debit card to get groceries. He would give me cash(an amount he thought was reasonable) and away I would go. I had to use a calculator to make sure I didn't go over. Some would say that's smart, yes I'm sure it is....but only if it's my choice. Not because my husband didn't trust me with "his" bank account. Around the time I got pregnant with Joel, I also grew some balls. I told my husband that this was a partnership, and he wasn't treating me that way. After some long talks, he not only would let me use his debit card, he actually changed it into a joint account, and gave me my very own card. It only took 3 years.

Now, I'm sure I don't need to mention that having 2 kids, while not necessarily harder...is definitely more tiring. And Joel did.not.sleep. I'm talking like waking 6 times a night until he was 2. So I never made Rob's lunch. I was too tired from being up all night with a baby/toddler. But it was never an issue, until a week ago. Apparently all of his buddies at work feel bad for Rob because "oh, I guess your wife doesn't make your lunch?!" No, I don't. I'm too tired after taking care of children all day, getting up through the night with a teething baby, and bitching at my husband which seems to drain my energy too. And if it wasn't bad enough this is how Rob looks at this whole situation, I'm loosely quoting him, "We're doing this thing old school. But you're not acting like it!" Now, if you're wondering what the eff he is talking about, and don't worry, so was I. "Old school" means like in the 1950's when men worked, and women stayed home managing the babies, the housework, had dinner on the table...and they probably banged their husbands every night too. I'm a bad, bad wife.

So now I'm wondering if I'm in the wrong here? I should also mention that the word "lazy" was thrown around too, although he assured me that he doesn't really think I'm lazy. He just needs me to "help" more. He helps by going to work, so apparently it's my job to make sure his enormous lunch is packed in the morning. I guess taking care of the kids all day,making sure the house is clean,and stepping up during the night when kids/babies are awake isn't help enough. I will also take this time to state that Rob has NEVER gotten up  during the night with any of the kids. No matter how much I have begged him to "help" Ironic? I think so.

Let's talk about sex...

Now lets see how many page views I get;)

Now, there are many things that I'd like to say about sex....but as I've said before, this blog is public, and I've learned recently that my husband is very private about what goes on in our bedroom. Who knew? So, I figured I would make a post about sex that I'm sure most women, mothers especially can relate to.

How?? How do you find the time? How do you find the energy? How do you mentally get yourself there, you know what I mean. Guys can turn it on in a second, I'd love to be able to do that. But, I can't. So, when my husband is ready, I either turn him down, put on a happy face, and pray to be thinking about anything other than tomorrow's grocery list while we're getting busy, and/or become the best actress ever, and fake it. Now, before you get the wrong idea, I have never had a bad time in bed with my husband. It's always enjoyable, and faking it, most of the time, is just to give him a confidence boost....and depending on the night, speed things along;) But, I'm always really upset with myself that when he is in the mood the first thing that comes to my mind is, "Really? I don't feel like it." I'm sure I'm not alone in this.

I stay home all day with 3 kids. Now, I know that no matter what job you happen to do during the day, you inevitably will be tired when you get home. So, I'm definitely not using the SAHM thing as an excuse. But, with that being said, I'm exhausted about 97% of the day, until about 10:00pm. Then my brain wants to party, hence the late night blog posts. A typical day for me goes like this; Between 5-6am wake up with Logan, feed him and most days out him back to bed. I usually crawl back into bed after he goes down around 7am...and that's pretty much the time the other 2 wake up. So, I have to get up. The rest of the day consists of feedings/diaper changes/making meals/laundry/tidying/vacuum/mop/tidy again/and a little yelling, and crying in between(me, and the kids) By the time Rob walks through the door around 6:30, I'm done. I start counting down the time until Logan goes to bed. And after that I usually sit in bed with my laptop, and relax until I can fall asleep. After the kids go to sleep(in our bed) if Rob, or I happen to still be awake, which is rare. He will start with the "Lets go to the couch and "snuggle" Yeah, real subtle. And I think to myself, "Seriously? I'm nice and comfortable, and you want me to get up, and go to the couch to "snuggle" with you? Are you high? Then we argue a little. Apparently I'm not attracted to him anymore, or I have "issues" Or my fave "Why can't we have sex like we did when we first moved in together?" Well, maybe because we didn't have any fucking kids! And nobody sleeping in our bed or keeping us, and by us i mean ME up half the night. Good enough reason for ya?! Guys really are dense sometimes...

I love my husband. But, I am tired. Like, tired in my bones. I don't get enough sleep, I am stressed to the limit, I am struggling with PPD which is just the icing on the cake. I have been telling myself lately that maybe we should like make a sex calendar? I'm not sure if people do this or not, but I almost feel like we have sex more often when we plan it, as lame as that sounds. I guess I just wonder if there are women out there who are able to deal with the kids all day, or do anything all day, spend time with their family in the evening, and still find time to bang their husbands regularly? If you are out there....you are my hero.  

Men are from Mars...

So, since the only topic request I got was men, and sex....here we go.

Now, I'm not going to talk about sex, this is a public blog, and I'm pretty sure my husband would not appreciate me divulging private details...or any details, which I've learnt lately;) But men, that's a different story. Sometimes I think they really are from a different planet!

I'm going to take this time to rant about some things my husband does, tat have me shaking my head.
Doing Dishes
He very rarely loads, or unloads the dishwasher, but when he does....I honestly don't even know what to say. He will stick the dishes anywhere, and everywhere. Plates on top of bowls, on top of plates. Yup, sounds about right. I really love it when I open up a cupboard, and have to scramble to make sure no dishes fall on me. His response when I comment on it? "Well, I just put them where it makes sense to me." Um, okay? I have realized lately that delegating around here is impossible. I really don't consider myself a control freak, but his version of "cleaning the house" and mine, differ greatly...like a lot.
Folding clothes
If you ask most people, the most hated household job is folding and putting away laundry. I know it's mine. So, I'm always happy when Rob offers to take care of it. Until I open my dresser drawers. Ten I remember why it is that I would rather do my most hated job myself than have my husband do it. The "folding" if you can call it that, is ridiculous! Most everything is not folded, it's just layed neatly out straight. And, you know how sometimes stuff gets washed inside out, either because you're supposed to, or because it doesn't get changed after it is taken off? Well, Rob feels that if it's inside out when it comes out of the dryer, that's how it will stay. Really?? So folding clothes, as much as I hate it, is something that I do myself now.
The Kids
Now I know Rob loves his kids, more than anything. But, getting him to watch them while I go out, is impossible. Well, I shouldn't say that. He will keep Ciena and Joel, but he still refuses to watch Logan! I mean, I understood, when Logan was really colicky, and he pretty much just screamed constantly. I didn't appreciate it...but I understood. But even now, he won't watch him while I go anywhere. Even if I tell him that I'll send Ciena and Joel to my mom's, or my gram's. But still nope. Logan is like the easiest baby now. He sleeps wonderfully, if you swaddle him, and turn his white noise on and lay him in his crib, he's out like a light. Same with bedtime. Not to mention I would never leave the kids with him for any longer than a couple of hours. It's just really frustrating to me, that I am here with the kids 24/7, and if I want to go out, I still have to take them. I never get a break! My mom works shiftwork, so during the week, it is almost impossible to find a babysitter, especially since my mom, and my grandparents are pretty much the only people I trust to watch my kids.
Snoring
There is really nothing I can say about Rob's snoring, except Holy Eff! I try to fall asleep before Rob every night. Because if I don't, then I don't sleep. His snoring is out.of.control. He has a cpap machine. But getting him to use it, is like pulling teeth. Some nights it isn't a problem. He gets into bed, puts his mask on, and there is no fighting. But most nights are pretty ridiculous. He falls asleep, then commence the snoring. I wake him up and tell him to put it on. He then sleepily says, "okay" 2 seconds later the snoring starts again. I again wake him up, and tell him to put it on. He gets agitated, and says "I am!" Then the snoring starts again! This is when I start to get a little pissy. And it pretty much goes from there, with us arguing about the damn machine. I threaten to smother him, he ignores me. And by that time I suspect that Rob is not putting the mask on just to spite me. Finally I give up, and try to sleep through it.

There are a ton more things I could write about when it comes to men, more namely, my husband. But, I think I've bored you enough for one day;)

They're back:(

Logan's episodes that is. I am so frustrated,stressed,scared....you name it. A few weeks ago I was rocking Logan in the stroller, and I noticed that every time I pulled the stroller towards me he would have a small one. You almost wouldn't even notice it, if you weren't aware of them. I thought it was a fluke, and forgot about it. Well today was bad. I was getting ready to have a shower this morning, and I picked up Logan's bouncy seat(with him in it) and proceeded to carry him into the bathroom, something I do almost everyday. Well this time he had a few really bad episodes as soon as I started to walk with him. I put him down, and he calmed down.

I'm so lost right now. All day long he has been having them, and the weird thing is, they seem to be more prominent when he is rocked/pushed/pulled/lifted. It seems like they are related to motion. He has been on reflux meds for months, and the pedi was adamant that it was all related to the reflux/sandifers syndrome. And I agreed after they stopped cold after the meds were started. Rob brought up the fact that we  had started Logan on Soy formula per the ER pedi's request, to see if his wheeziness was due to a milk allergy/intolerance. He was on the soy for a total of 4 days, he hated it! Like, I almost had to force feed him every feeding. And even then he was drinking a fraction of what he normally drinks. So Rob suggested to me that maybe the episodes were happening because of the switch? I think both of us are kind of thinking of any possible reason, because the thought that there may not be a reason is stressing us...well, me, out.

I hate this. I hate this worry, it consumes my everyday, all day. All I do is worry about the kids, and while I know that's normal, I feel like the amount that I worry is over the top. It seems like it's all I think about. I imagine scenarios in my head where the kids are in harms way, or the kids are sick, or the kids are scared...I could go on. I hate the fact that my brain just goes into overdrive, and runs away with me. Coming off the heels of a week filled with an ear infection, croup, a baby who cannot sleep because his cough keeps him up. I need a break, and I feel like I'm whining, and I feel guilty because I know that there are parents who are dealing with things that I couldn't even imagine. And then I cry, and cry, and cry. Because the thought of that sends my anxiety through the roof. I feel like I'm drowning under all the worry, and stress. I would just love for one day that I could relax, and not feel the heaviness in my chest thinking about what could possibly be wrong with my kids:(

Reminiscing...

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my childhood. Well, actually, my family. Immediate, and extended. Growing up, and holidays, and summers, and just family.

My brother and I spent a ton of time at my great-grandma's house. Now, when I say great grandma, I'm sure you think OLD. But, my great grandma was only 56 when I was born. She was definitely not a feeble old lady by any means. And spending time at her, and my great-grandpa's house was my favourite thing ever.

Christmases, birthdays, and every holiday in between were spent at her house. There were a lot of us...in adults alone there were at least 12, depending on who else stopped by. And kids, so many kids. Just grand kids alone, there were 10 of us, but other relatives and friends were inevitable for most holidays, and that would jump the number of kids up considerably. I smile to myself when I think of the little card table that would be set up in my grandma's living room. Before and after dinner, it was a euchre table. Gene, a close family friend whom we all just think of as family, would be leading the game. And he would usually have to stop playing to start an impromptu euchre lesson, because some of the older kids wanted to play too. And he would, patient as ever, explain it again and again, until they finally got it. At dinnertime, that card table was transformed into the "kids table" that's where we ate, and we preferred it that way. Where us cousins could talk, and not have grown ups listening over our shoulders.

The basement. Aaah, the basement. My grandma had the best basement...well, as far as basements go;) All of us kids spent most of our time down there, when we weren't outside. There was a little t.v that only got 2 stations, a fold out couch, that was turned into a pretty awesome wrestling ring, a bar...yep. A bar. We played bar pretty often, I have to say. And the basement was huge!! And I'm pretty sure it was soundproof.....all the adults liked us playing down there. We would turn the room into a hockey rink, and take shots at each other, we would wrestle, and we broke shit. Namely, one of the ceiling panels. We somehow broke it with a broom. But we used a piece of cardboard to kind of fashion it back together. We broke a hole right in the wall. Apparently 6 kids rocking really fast in a rocking armchair will go through the wall. Who knew? We destroyed that basement weekend after weekend. And then we would get the lecture that we never cleaned up after ourselves, so we were no longer allowed down there. But that quickly was reversed once the noise level of 8 kids got horrific.

We had fun, all the time fun. I spent entire summers there, all of my best childhood memories are there. I almost cannot believe all the people that are gone now, Great grandma, my great grandpa, grandma Sharon(dads mom), papa Chuck, Uncle Rick, Vi(Gene's wife), and our family hasn't really been the same since. In the span of 3 years, we lost 4 people. I think it broke us. The house, that house we all had so many amazing memories in, belongs to somebody else now. Our family, and extended family split between distance, and life is not the same. I long for those days. I long for my kids to know what it's like to have so many people around for Christmas dinner that you can't hear anything...but you love it. I want them to get excited, and giddy in anticipation of seeing everyone. Because that's how I always felt.

Those days feel like they are so long ago, but I am determined to get them back. 

3 kids=Tired(mommy, not kids...kids never get tired)

I'm tapped out. For real.

I have been so exhausted lately, and yet come bedtime I twitter/pin/facebook wayy too long. Thankfully Logan sleeps pretty well, or else I don't know what I'd do.

There is always something going on. 3 kids is really a lot more insane than I thought it would be. I mean, not in a normal "holy shit! Having 3 kids is insane!" type of way, but more of a "When do I ever get a chance to sit down and relax." Type of way. To put it in plain English...they have a lot of shit going on. I mean Dr. appts alone are all.the.time. And that's not even factoring in trips to the walk-in if they get sick all of a sudden. Logan has well baby checks every 2 months. And with his reflux/wheeziness, he is seriously averaging on at least one appt every 2.5 weeks. Ciena has soccer every Monday and Wednesday, which will be finished next week thankfully! Then she has swimming lessons every Monday, and Joel has swimming lessons every Thursday. That's almost a week of obligations these kids have. They really have more of a life than I do;)

Shopping trips. Not that I necessarily have to take them to get whatever we need with me, but I usually do because Rob generally doesn't get home until dinnertime. And by then I just don't feel like doing anything but locking myself in the bathroom, pretending to poop while Rob occupies the kids, and I have a chance to recharge. Yes, I have to pretend to poop to get a moment to myself, pretty glam huh?! Anyways, shopping trips can easily fill the 2 days a week that we have free. We run out of the staples so quickly. So we always need to run to the store for something. Now most of the time I regret bringing the kids the moment we step through the doors. "Can we look at the toys? Do they have lobsters here? Can we get a cookie from the bakery?" And then, if I'm really lucky, one of them will have a meltdown over something, and I get to show off my mad pushing a stroller, while holding a screaming child and holding another child's hand, skills. It's crazy fun! Then just for shits and giggles, sometimes the toddler decides he's done, and flops down in the middle of the parking lot, forcing me to look like the best mom ever by half dragging him to the van wile I pray the wind doesn't pick up and carry the stroller away. Shopping trips with kids are a blast, said no one ever...

Then I get home. And the place is a mess. And that's when it hits me that I really should have cleaned it when I first got up, because now it just feels overwhelming, and I don't wanna! And some days I don't. I mean really, the kids just destroy it minutes later anyways.  So by the end of the day I am just tired. Like mentally/physically/emotionally....you name it, I'm just tired. But yet, it's 10:32, and I'm blogging. Having 3 kids is exhausting. Did I mention that?

I hope everyone still likes big butts, and guts...and well everything:/

So, this post isn't so much about the kiddos. I mean in a roundabout way it is, but I need to get real for a second. I am overweight, according to my BMI I'm actually obese:(

I have struggled with my weight forever. Starting in my teenage years, thinking I was "fat" although looking back now, I realize how silly that was. I remember in the months before I got pregnant with Ciena. I had been working at a restaurant for over a year, so I had gained some weight. I'm sure anyone that has worked at a restaurant can attest to the weight gain that inevitably happens when you are surrounded by food all day.

I felt bad about myself, I wanted to lose a few pounds, which at that time was pretty easy. I joined a work biggest loser competition, and bam! Lost 5 pounds. I remember looking at myself from the side, and wanting to cry seeing my "gut" hang out. Yeah, it certainly was NOT a gut, but what can I say? I was young, and stupid.

You have a baby and all sorts of science fiction shit happens to your body. I kind of suspected that I wouldn't be one of those girls that got right back into my old body after I gave birth. And I was right. For quite a while, I was pretty clueless about my size. You know how you always think you look worse than you actually do? Well, I had the exact opposite problem. I thought I looked great! I mean, I had a bit of a tummy, but I fit into my old pants. So no problem right?! Wrong! I saw pics of myself, and it all hit me. I was fat. I didn't want to be like I was. But it wasn't until Rob and I talked about having another baby that I knew something had to be done. I had seen tons of commercials for L.A. Weight loss. I looked them up and made an appt. Long story short $800 later I had joined with the cheapest program they had. Bless my husband, since i put him on the spot with a phone call asking if I could join. He agreed.

It was easier than I thought it would be. I had a week of detoxing, in which I lost 6lbs! Definitely a motivator. Then I had a plan tailored to me. All in all I lost 31 lbs before getting pregnant.......then I miscarried. Now without turning this into a sobfest, I will just say that is was pretty much the suckiest time of my life. I was broken. I had gained 7 pounds in the 11 weeks that I was pregnant, but I put on much more in the months that followed, which also included another miscarriage. By the time I got pregnant with Joel I had gained all of the weight back, plus some. But he was a sticky baby, so I didn't care.

Fast forward 2 more years, and another baby. And I'm fat. And for some reason, I have zero motivation. I start out everyday with the best of intentions. But then I'll have a bad day that either prevents me from eating even remotely healthy, because I don't have the time. Or my fat girl logic will tell me "eat the rest of that ::insertunhealthyfoodhere:: that way it won't be there to tempt you tomorrow." Then I'll tell myself that I might as well go balls to the wall because I've already ruined my diet for the day anyway. It's a vicious cycle. And I desperately need to break it. I need to get healthy, for my kids, for my health, for my peace of mind. I struggle with eating right, I struggle with exercise, I struggle with thoughts of hating myself because just thinking about my kids should give me he push to get healthy and fit.....but it doesn't.

I definitely welcome any and all advice/motivation/chants of "you can do this" Because shit is getting real. The scale is going up, instead of down. And I deserve to feel good about myself.

"But mommy, I love him."

I've come to the conclusion that my babies are growing up way too fast. I know that's something that people say all the time, but I never thought it would feel this way. Like time is in fast forward, and all I can do is watch everything speed by.

Ciena is starting to really become a little lady, although I use that term loosely;) She cares about her appearance, having her hair neat, and clothes that match are important to her. She paints her nails, wears lip gloss....I could go on. It's amazing to me, I mean, I remember when I was 6. Um, yeah. I certainly couldn't be bothered with brushing my hair, and lip gloss, and nail polish probably would have ended up all over the walls.
She is so smart, she loves school, and she loves learning and challenging herself. She has so much more confidence in herself than I ever did. I love that.
She is in love. *sigh* Justin Bieber, I know, I know. She's 6!! 6 years old and already having celebrity crushes? I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to hear my 6 year old talk about marrying some pretty boy pop tart. Or to hear her say  "But mommy, I love him." Noooooo!

Joely, what a kid. The potty trained thing still blows my mind, seriously right when I thought we were never going to accomplish it. Bam! He got it, and we haven't looked back.
He is so smart. I know, right?! My kids are geniuses y'all! He can count to almost 30, he can identify quite a few numbers, and letters, and he can work my phone almost as well as me!
Listening to him talk is so much fun. Toddler logic is pretty hilarious. He just has so much to say, and he is not afraid to say what needs to be said. I just love this age, when they start to transform into this little complex person. With opinions, and strong likes and dislikes.
He loves to snuggle. At night, in bed, he simply cannot fall asleep unless he is in the crook of my arm, and holding my hand. I'm sure sometime soon that will have to change....but for right now, I'm pretty alright with it.

Logan. Well, he's only 5 1/2 months old, so it REALLY seems like he's growing too fast.
He watches everything around him. Like, intently. Like he's trying to figure everything out. He is very aware of everything, the sound of a familiar voice will make him turn his entire body towards it.
He definitely recognizes people. Tonight my mom came through the door, and as soon as her heard her voice, he got very excited, and craned his body to get her in his sights. When daddy comes through the door at the end of the day, the squealing, and smiles make us laugh. He loves his daddy.

I love these kids so much. Nobody prepares you for that kind of love. The "do anything for you" kind of love. It's breathtaking. I have been a little down lately. I have went back and forth on the thought of having another baby(not anytime soon) I really don't feel "done" but I think about another pregnancy, and worrying myself silly for another 9 months. I think about gaining more weight, when it's been all I can do to take of the weight from these pregnancies. I think about a 4th c-section, and whether or not my body could handle it. And I also think about the worrying that I go through daily with these 3. It's never ending, time consuming, bite your tongue, hold your breath, is she warm? Is he wheezy? Don't fall! Don't jump! Don't run! And I wonder if I would ever be capable of doing it all again? I guess only time will tell if it will happen or not. I think as of right now we're 90% sure we're done, but it's that 10% that tears at my heart.

I'm baaaack!

Wow,  I am a terrible blogger! I told myself to make it a priority to write a blog post at least once every few days. Fail! But I'm back, and I promise I won't leave you again. And by "you" I mean the one person that actually reads my posts;)

First off, Logan. Doing so great! The pedi put him on Nexium for reflux, and believe it or not, he hasn't had a single episode since! He is such a happy little guy now too. Things are definitely a lot brighter than they were a few months ago. He is a little over 5 months. I keep expecting to see teeth any day with all the drool, and chewing of fingers, and general crankiness. But nada. He is huge! Like over 20lbs! The really hilarious thing? He and Joel can wear the same sized clothing. Ha! Crazy, I know! He hasn't rolled yet, but I presume that's due to his size;) He does try to roll back to front, and he's almost there. He's not even close with front to back, but he still hates tummy time with a passion, so that could be why. He's really not that close to sitting unassisted either. We try frequently, but no dice yet. All in all, he is such a joy. The amazing little person he has developed into was definitely worth the first 3 months of Hell!

Ciena has been in soccer for over a month now, she loves it! It's amazing to see how far all the kids on her team have come since starting. And who knew soccer was so interesting? But I am totally that mom that is on the sidelines cheering team orange on! Also, she started swimming lessons this week. The first lesson was a little trying. She did not even want to get into the water, and when she finally did, she wouldn't move from the ladder. Rob finally climbed in to coax her off, but was kindly told to get out by another lifeguard. Apparently parents have to stay back, and are not allowed in the water. Ooops! But, the lifeguard turned out to be really awesome. She was super friendly, and just authoritative enough to not only get Ciena off the ladder, but actually get her to do the exercises she was supposed to be doing. And Ciena is actually looking forward to next weeks lesson! My little girl is off to grade one in the fall. I don't know where the time went, but I want it back:( She is growing up so fast, it's unbelievable.

Joel. Hmm, what to say about Joel? He is the smartest, sweetest, most wonderful little guy I could have ever asked for. He will randomly come up to me, and ask for a hug. Or tell me; "I love you so much mommy" He is fully potty trained!! And the most amazing part, is that it only took a couple of months. And, just when I thought he was NEVER going to get it....it happened. It was like a switch flipped. He still isn't ready to be in underwear during the night, especially since he sleeps in our bed;) But, he has been accident free for over a month! But, on the other hand he is giving us some trouble.  He can be somewhat of a meanie. He regularly gets sent to time-out for Pulling hair/pinching/hitting....etc. I feel like all he and Ciena do all day is fight. And he has even started pinching, and hitting Logan:/ He really doesn't seem to be doing it maliciously, just playfully. But he seems to forget that he is quite a bit bigger than Logan. terrible twos, aren't they great!

Rob and I are doing much better. He is taking a more active role with Logan, which makes me really happy. We are trying to be a more united front when it comes to the kiddos, and we genuinely just seem to enjoy each others company....most of the time;) To sum things up, life is pretty rad right now!

Logan Update!

Sorry I've been MIA for a while. I hate when a blog that I read doesn't get updated enough, so I need to really make an effort to try to update often:)

Logan is great! I mean, really great! His EEG was normal, which was expected. So when I had the follow up with the pedi, I told him that if he was still convinced that Logan's episodes were caused by reflux, that it was time to medicate. He agreed that it couldn't hurt to give it a try. He prescribed him Nexium. He takes that once a day. And....no episodes in almost 4 weeks!! I'm cautiously optimistic, but seeing how Logan's episodes have been known to disappear for weeks at a time then start up again, I'm not convinced we've seen the last of them. But for now, things are great.

He has definitely turned a corner with his colic/fussiness. He is so much happier. He is teething, so there is still some whining, and unhappiness. But being able to get things done around the house has been much easier. He is content to sit in his bouncy chair, or swing in his swing, or even just lay on the floor. I even have moments where raising 3 kids is *gasp* easy!

I am praying that Logan keeps improving, and we have no setbacks. It is so hard to believe that he will be 4 months old in less than a week. The time has really flown by, and as difficult as those first few weeks/months were...I miss them.  I feel like him being hospitalized when he was still so itty bitty, and for so long really stole all of those "firsts" from me. I mean when i look at pics of him from the night before he was hospitalized, and then compare them to pics of him the day he was released. He looks so different. He changed so much while he was in the hospital, and I was so busy praying for him to get better that I missed it. I'm trying to really make the most of his "babyhood" Since this is possibly our last baby, I want it to last forever:(

Happy Mother's Day!!

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mamas out there! I hope everyone was pampered, and loved, and told over and over again how amazing they are!
Being a mom, it's tough. Every single day I'm amazed at just how tough it is. And that's on a good day. On the bad days, I basically just tell myself that I am not cut out for it, and whoever allowed me to be responsible for these little lives really just had no clue! But, the rewards. Oh man! Hearing Joel say, "I want to kiss your face mommy" Hearing Ciena say "Today was the best day I ever had!" And seeing Logan's eyes follow me around the room, like I am the most important thing to look at. It's a really amazing thing. And even though I have a lot of days when I feel like a complete failure, and my kids cannot stand to look at me......I remember.
I am their mom, the only one they want when they're sick, or scared, or sad, or even happy. I know them best. I know that Ciena likes her meat cut in strips. I know that Joel doesn't like yogurt that has fruit in it. I know that Logan will instantly calm down if he is swaddled. I know everything about them, because I am their mom. Happy Mother's day mommies! I hope you are all as blessed as I am<3

Stressfull days, and sleepless nights

I haven't updated in a while, been a little preoccupied. My family doctor informed me that Logan's EEG was normal!! Great news! Bad news is, he ha been having more frequent episodes. A few day ago e had a really bad day:( I don't know what to think anymore. The paediatrician keeps telling me that it's reflux, yet he has not even mentioned medicating him. I have been frantically searching the web for anything that seems similar to what he is going though. The only thing that comes close is Sandifer's syndrome. The pedi mentioned it once, and after looking into it, I feel that it is very possible that is what we're dealing with. Apparently it is caused by an underlying GI issue (reflux GERD) and supposedly if you treat the condition that is causing the symptoms of Sandifer's, then you may be able to fix it. Logan has a pedi appointment on the 24th, and I am determined to not leave that office until we have some sort of plan.

Things between Rob, and I have been a lot better. We haven't been to a counsellor yet, but between work, and childcare I'm not sure we'll ever make it there. But, we have been trying to communicate with each other more, and while I know we still have a long way to go....I'm confident that we'll get there. Logan's fussiness has gotten somewhat better. He has longer periods of being happy, and smiley. I'm hoping that if we get some reflux meds into him, we will see an even bigger improvement! He still has quite a few bad days, where the screaming is prevalent unless he's sleeping. But, I'm hoping that we are turning a corner in the fussy department.

Sleep. I guess you never realize how much you value sleep, until you're not getting any. Logan is awesome! e goes down around 7:30 every night, and he sleeps straight through until 6 or 7. But Ciena and Joel...that's another story. They are sharing a room, heck they are sharing a bed! And they still will not stay out of our bed. They refuse to sleep alone, so we let them share a room, and they choose to share a bed. But every single night, they still end up in our bed. I don't get any sleep, a 6 year old, a 2 year old, and two adults sharing a bed, sooo not comfy. Plus, they all snore! And when I say all, I mean Rob, Ciena, Joel, and Logan. So that keeps me up, as does a toddler's feet in my back, or kicking me in the stomach, or head. I want my bed back!!

Babyproofing your marriage

So, I was hesitant to post this. Since my blog is public, and anyone can read it, I didn't want anyone, and everyone to be privy to every little thing going on in my life. But, then i realized that
1)It may help someone realize that they are not alone
2)Like 2 people read my blog:)

So, here it is. My marriage is going through a rough patch right now. More rough than it has ever been before. I'm scared. I definitely feel that Rob and I can work through anything that life throws at us, but it's hard right now. Adding a baby to your marriage is difficult. Obviously, our biggest adjustment was right after Ciena was born. You have to acclimate yourselves to your "new normal" Late nights, early mornings, you never have enough time to do anything, and if you do....you're to tired anyways. But, after a few months life starts to run smoothly again, and eventually you sort of look at each other and say "We made it!" I would love to say that after the first kid, the rest is cake. Well, sorry. Not true. The second one comes along and you have to deal with more sleep deprivation, and even less time for yourselves as individuals, and as a couple. By the time the third comes along, your "new normal" pretty much involves no time as a couple, and even less time for yourself.

I can say that Rob and I have both changed. Time and babies will do that to you. But, I have never felt this feeling before. Rob and I do not communicate properly. He hates to really discuss anything. And prefers to tell me that I am "nattering" at him, when in fact I just want to discuss things. Lately, we have butted heads over the fact that he refuses to watch Logan while I go out anywhere. I wanted to go see a movie with my mom. I arranged for my gram to watch Ciena and Joel. Rob would only have Logan....he flat out refused, said he wouldn't be able to handle it, and that I "didn't need to go anywhere without the baby." Basically he's telling me that I don't deserve any time to myself. Multiple times he has said to me "it doesn't matter to me how many kids we have. You're the one who has to take care of them." Then, he backpedals and says he means that since I'm the one home all day, I'm the one who takes care of them. I continually feel under appreciated, disrespected, and small. I will say that Rob is a great dad. I know he loves our kids, and would do anything for them. But, he really needs a wake up call. Sometimes the things he says to me kind of blow my mind. like: "Maybe if you didn't think you would be able to handle 3 kids, we shouldn't have had Logan." This one broke my heart. I'm sure he didn't intend for it to sound the way it did, but really?  

We have both agreed we need counselling....but childcare is an issue. My mom is the only person i trust to watch the baby, so we need to work around her and Rob's schedules...yeah, good luck on that. I pray every night that none of this is enough to split us up. And I have told Rob multiple times that I believe we can work through anything. I just hope in 6 months we look back at this and laugh, knowing that we made it.

PPD

I'm not surprised to be going through postpartum depression again. I went through it with Joel, and also had extremely bad postpartum anxiety a well. I prepared myself this time to possibly find myself in that place again. And here I am. Feeling so alone. That is one thing I have noticed about depression of any kind...the loneliness. I feel like nobody understands how I feel, and there is nobody to talk to. I feel like a bad mother, and as I've mentioned before, I feel like I'm failing. I knew having 3 kids would be difficult at times, even during good times. But I didn't know it would be this difficult.

Logan cries. He cries for a large portion of the day. Whether it's reflux, or gas, or colic, I have no idea. I just know, it's tough. He likes to be held, and I have a bad back. The 2 don't mix well. By the end of the day I am crying in pain, and ready to sleep for a year. I never considered that i might have a fussy baby. I guess I was so worried about having a baby that slept well was the more important thing. Now I'm not sure which I would prefer. The bad sleeper, or the crier? I snap at my kids a lot. Carrying a crying baby around the house all day, and rocking, and singing, and shh-ing...it's all very frustrating. I am so fried, and then I hear them fighting, or being naughty, and I yell. I do not want to be this person. This person who yells at her kids, and has no control over her life. It's a sucky feeling.

Joel does.not.listen. EVER! He is very much in the throws of his terrible twos. He hits/kicks/punches/pinches/pulls hair. Gah! You name it. If he doesn't get his way, something will be thrown at the window, or the t.v. or the wall. And I swear he i a one man wrecking crew. He will destroy a room in 5 seconds flat. And I could probably handle all of that, if it weren't for the fussy baby too. I can't juggle.

Logan's "episodes" still there, still all I think about. We have no idea what they are. There are many theories, but nothing solid. The EEG is still a few weeks away. But the stress is eating away at me. I am so worried about my sweet boy that i try not to even think about the possibilities. All of these things compounded led me into my doctor office in tears. I am sad, I feel helpless, I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I can't think...I am fighting my way back out. Hopefully very soon I'll feel like my old self.

I need answers...

I feel so defeated. Friday was such a horrible day, when I think about it too much I feel sick.
When Rob got home from work, we decided to all go into town because we needed a few things. Well, we ere just about to leave when Logan started having his episodes.....bad. I have never seen them this bad. They were so terrible that I almost called an ambulance. I probably would have, except the ambulance would have taken me to the hospital that I refuse to go to. I literally sat in front of Logan, and watched him for almost an hour, he was having the episodes off and on the entire time. Finally, I told Rob to go to town to get what we needed, and to take ciena and Joel. I decided I was taking Logan to the ER.

Luckily I was able to get a pretty decent video of Logan, that I was able to the show the pedi on call. My poor baby was poked and prodded, and I jut felt so helpless. Finally the pedi told me that she believed, based on the video and my description of it that it was shuddering syndrome. Basically tremors, that are pretty common in babies. She had us stay the night to monitor him while he slept. She said she wanted to make sure he didn't have any while he was sleeping. He did not. She said to keep his EEG appt for the 4th, and we would know or sure then if it was a serious seizure disorder or not.

I'm so scared. I trust the pedi 100%. But after reading about shuddering, and watching numerous youtube videos of it.....I'm not convinced. What I saw him do looked like a seizure. Mainly what he did with his eyes, it did not just look like tremors to me. She was going to do a brain ultrasound, and a head CT, but she said that after watching him, and interacting with him she doesn't see the need because he is so smart. He is doing great developmentally, and in fact she thinks he's advanced. And socially, he is developing fine too. She also said that during the episodes he seems very "with it" like he is aware, and knows what is going on. She said that during seizures most of the time it will make you very lethargic, and he does not act like that.

Please pray. Pray that the EEG does not show anything concerning. Pray that the episodes stop altogether, and please pray for me. I feel like a failure, incredibly helpless, ans small. My baby has something serious going on, and I just can't help him. That is the worst feeling. Please just keep us in your thoughts, this will be a long few weeks:(

Lazy Sundays

Where you have absolutely nothing better to do than, play video games

Pose for mommy's incessant picture taking



And nap.....



We had a great day.....God, I love these kids<3

Failing...

This is how I feel. Like I'm failing. Failing at being a mom, at being a wife, at everything. I'm not even sure I know where to start. 

I have a baby that is pretty fussy, and like to be held all.day.long. I swear, I can pick him up and he will fall fast asleep, I can hold him for 20 minutes until I'm certain he is in a deep sleep. But I lay him down, and he screams! Because of this, I have no hands, or time to do...well, anything. I would love to be able to sit down and finish a meal. Hell, some days I don't eat at all until 8:00pm, and yet I am not losing any weight. Having a fussy baby is so overwhelming...I hate sounding so whiny, but I literally feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown every single day.

I can't get housework done. And I know a lot of people say, "oh the housework can wait." I wish I was okay with that sentiment. It really makes my skin crawl looking around the house, and seeing a mess. Rob does help when he comes home from work. But, he definitely doesn't do anything the way I would do it. And that's a problem for me;)  The way he loads and unloads the dishwasher drives me nuts!!! I mean, he gets things out of the cupboard, how does he still not know where everything goes? The last thing I want is to open the cupboard and have plates and bowl falls on me because he has stacked bowls on top of plates, on top of bowls....seriously?! I guess I just feel like less of a wife, and mom if I can't stay on top of the simplest tasks. I'm home all day, and Rob still comes home to a messy house, and dinner isn't ready. Yes, I want to be that wife.

I yell...a lot. I am so frustrated, and stressed out because of Logan's fussiness, that my kids gt the brunt of it. I feel like I yell all the time and I don't like it. It's not their fault that Logan is crying, it's not their fault that I'm stressed, it's not their fault that I feel the way I do. I don't want this to be the childhood they remember. A mommy that had no time for them, and yelled all the time. I just want to feel somewhat put together. I want to be able to shower, I want to be able to enjoy this stage of my kid's lives. I just want to feel better...

The verdict....Reflux!!

So, I took Logan into the pedi today. I wanted to show him the video that I took of Logan's episode. The instant he saw it he said "It's not seizures." Thank you God!! I was never so happy to hear something. He told me that he believes it is most likely due to reflux, but due to the fact that the episodes only lasted a few seconds, and he didn't really have a lot of other symptoms, he didn't think anything needed to be done about it right now.  He said to keep the EEG appointment in April, but that he would be surprised if it came back abnormal.

Then he weighed him.....13lbs6oz!!! I was told that he is overweight, and pretty much right on the cusp of being obese. I have been feeling for a while that the amount he has been eating seems like a ton. 6oz every 3 hours. He told me to cut down his feedings, and we would see what happens. But then I was informed that sometimes babies with reflux tend to eat more at a time, and more often to ease the pain they are having. So I'm not sure if I should just wait it out and see how he does eating less. We started this afternoon, he had 5 oz instead of 6 for his last 2 feedings. And i have already noticed that he is a little more fussy, and he won't settle right now. Usually he is fine to go to bed between 7:30 and 8, and then doesn't wake up to eat until 4:30am or so. I'm just torn. I know i was told to cut his feedings down, but what if he just genuinely seems hungry? Then what? Do I distract him? Try the pacifier? Or feed him, even though he's suppose to be eating less. I just don't want to feel like I'm starving him!

Having a "woe is me" day.

I don't know what it is. I'm struggling. It may be sleep deprivation, possibly the stress of day in day out with 3 kids, or maybe it's PPD/PPA sneaking back up on me? Either way, I don't like feeling this way. I got irrationally upset about something today, and I can't seem to let it go.
is always
In December Rob quit Waxman, and started working for the city of Hamilton. He has a pretty bad back problem, and the work that he was doing, coupled with some other things gave him the push to make the decision to make a change. The only problem? He is only employed with the city until April 12th. He was hired on for winter work, and that's when it ends. He has been working Saturdays driving truck for a guy, and tonight he told me that this guy would like to employ him full time. And while I should be thrilled....I just can't get there. He works Saturdays for this guy right now, and he is never home before 7:30 at night. Around that time, the kids are out of the bath, and getting ready for bed. I just keep thinking about my husband leaving in the morning at 5, and not getting home until 7:30, just in time to kiss his kids good night:( This is tearing me up.

Anytime I try to talk to him about it, he doesn't really listen to me. He mostly talks over me about me understanding why he needs to do this, and about the fact that he is doing this so that I can be home with the kids. And at the end of our "conversation" I end up feeling super guilty, and no better than before we started talking. I just can't get it out of my head that by the time he gets home every night me, and his kids will be headed to bed. He is going to miss so much. Logan changes so much everyday, Joel is learning something new all the time, Ciena is in school so she  is always learning something new. I miss my husband. we never spend any time alone, and now I might see him a few hours here and a few hours there. This just sucks!

Date night.....what's that?

So, as I scroll through my Facebook news feed on the weekends, I see a lot of posts about "date night" Apparently this is a phenomenon in which parents leave their children with a babysitter or trusted family member, and go out together...alone. I know, I thought it was weird too;) These parents presumably go out for dinner, or to the movies, or maybe they just make out in the backseat like horny teenagers like the "good old days" Either way, they are out of the house, together, without having to shout over children.

It made me think of the last date night that Rob and I had. And sadly, I just can't remember. And it 's not because we have nobody to watch the kids, we have tons of people that would do that. Maybe we're just lazy, or just don't care. Except that I do. I mentioned to Rob a while ago that I would love for us to go out together, and do something just once a month. It doesn't seem crazy or unreasonable to do that, does it? He pretty much dismissed it, and told me all I ever want to do is spend money. Yeah, because going to dinner once a month will make or break us...okay. The way I see it, it's like an investment. We're investing in our marriage, and possibly my sanity. I spend all day every day cooped up all day with three kids. To say that I would like to get out every once in a while would be an understatement. My husband and I haven't been out alone together since before Joel was born. That's over two years!! We really need some time alone together just to talk, we never get to just talk to each other. Mostly because we're too tired, and/or it's not worth it to have to shout to be heard, or get interrupted 20 billion times by the kids.

Our five year wedding anniversary is coming up in September, I really want to do something special. If anyone has any ideas (if anyone actually reads this blog. lol) let me know. I'm open to suggestions, and I have some time to think about what we should do.