I need answers...

I feel so defeated. Friday was such a horrible day, when I think about it too much I feel sick.
When Rob got home from work, we decided to all go into town because we needed a few things. Well, we ere just about to leave when Logan started having his episodes.....bad. I have never seen them this bad. They were so terrible that I almost called an ambulance. I probably would have, except the ambulance would have taken me to the hospital that I refuse to go to. I literally sat in front of Logan, and watched him for almost an hour, he was having the episodes off and on the entire time. Finally, I told Rob to go to town to get what we needed, and to take ciena and Joel. I decided I was taking Logan to the ER.

Luckily I was able to get a pretty decent video of Logan, that I was able to the show the pedi on call. My poor baby was poked and prodded, and I jut felt so helpless. Finally the pedi told me that she believed, based on the video and my description of it that it was shuddering syndrome. Basically tremors, that are pretty common in babies. She had us stay the night to monitor him while he slept. She said she wanted to make sure he didn't have any while he was sleeping. He did not. She said to keep his EEG appt for the 4th, and we would know or sure then if it was a serious seizure disorder or not.

I'm so scared. I trust the pedi 100%. But after reading about shuddering, and watching numerous youtube videos of it.....I'm not convinced. What I saw him do looked like a seizure. Mainly what he did with his eyes, it did not just look like tremors to me. She was going to do a brain ultrasound, and a head CT, but she said that after watching him, and interacting with him she doesn't see the need because he is so smart. He is doing great developmentally, and in fact she thinks he's advanced. And socially, he is developing fine too. She also said that during the episodes he seems very "with it" like he is aware, and knows what is going on. She said that during seizures most of the time it will make you very lethargic, and he does not act like that.

Please pray. Pray that the EEG does not show anything concerning. Pray that the episodes stop altogether, and please pray for me. I feel like a failure, incredibly helpless, ans small. My baby has something serious going on, and I just can't help him. That is the worst feeling. Please just keep us in your thoughts, this will be a long few weeks:(