Monday, 8 July 2013

5 years ago.....

5 years ago, I was pregnant. I was on top of the world, I had a 2 year old daughter, who was crazy excited about becoming a big sister! Then a few short weeks was all over. I wasn't pregnant anymore.

A few close friends, and family members know the story of one of the most terrible moments in my life. I've decided to tell all of you, because I finally feel ready to write it all out. And although 5 years seems like a long time, it feels like it was yesterday.

Rob, and I knew from the beginning of our relationship that we wanted to have a few kids. After we had Ciena, we were ready to do it again almost right away. Ciena was amazing! We finally decided to start trying right before she turned 2. To our surprise it only took 2 months. After I saw the 2 pink lines....I had a moment of panic. I knew I wanted another child, but it happened so fast that it was a lot to take in. But after talking to Rob, we both calmed down, and realized that even if we were nervous, we were so excited!

Now, let me say, obviously, I knew that women had miscarriages, but I never in a million years would have guessed how common they are (1 in 4!) I guess I was just naiive, thinking that something like that would never happen to me. From the beginning I had several things going through my head. First of all, I could not shake the fact that I was pregnant with twins. I told everyone that I was sure it was twins, they all smiled and said "okay, whatever." Also, I just had an overall bad feeling. I tried to push it away, but it hovered over me in everything that I did.

We told Ciena right away, although at 2, she didn't really understand. We also told everyone we knew, we had no reason to suspect that it was a bad idea. I honestly felt like the luckiest person in the world.....

It was ultrasound day! I never had an early ultrasound with Ciena, there was really no need. There were no problems, and no real reason to request one. But this time I did. That was due to my overwhelming bad feeling. Luckily my doc agreed, and I went in. I was 11 weeks 2 days pregnant. I laid down, and of course the tech told me all the obligatory, "I'll take some measurements first, and then I'll show you. But remember, at this stage, there's not really much to see." I knew right away something wasn't right. She was quiet, too quiet. She asked me how far along I thought I was. I told her 11 weeks. She asked me if I had any bleeding or spotting? Still no. Then she dropped the bomb. "I shouldn't be telling you this, but, there are 2 sacs, twins. But the fetuses are undeveloped. So, either, you are not as far along as you thought, or this is a missed miscarriage." I was stunned, but not surprised. I told her that there was no way I was off on my dates. I had taken a positive pregnancy test at least 6 weeks ago. I knew what had happened. She then told me that she would rush the results to my doctor, and he would call me. She seemed as heartbroken as I was.

I drove home alone, and in tears. Explaining everything to Rob wasn't easy. Because I told him that she said maybe I was just wrong about my dates, he was so hopeful. He thought I was just being pessimistic, but, I knew. My body had been telling me for months, I just ignored it. The next day, my doctor called. I knew instantly the news wasn't good, because it was a Friday, and my doctor doesn't even have office hours on Fridays. He wanted me to come into the office right away. So I did...

He confirmed everything the ultrasound tech said to me. But it was all a blur. "Twin pregnancy.....undeveloped.....very sorry." My doctor was concerned that I hadn't had any bleeding, or even cramping. At 11 weeks he felt like I may need a D&C. He sent me home, and told me that he would call me the following day with an appointment to have another ultrasound, just to be sure, and meet with a surgeon. So I went home struggling with how I would tell my husband. But I didn't have time to worry about that. When I got home, I started spotting. I called my mom, and we went to the hospital. There was a follow ultrasound, and then a meeting with the surgeon telling me that he wanted to do a D&C immediately. My mom called Rob, and he go there just in time to see me off.

I remember waiting to be wheeled into the OR. Every nurse, and doctor stopped to hug me, and say how sorry they were. That meant so much to me. I finally got into the OR, and all I cared about was having it done. When I woke up, I felt empty. Physically, and emotionally.

In the weeks and months after the miscarriage, I felt broken. How did this happen? As a woman, they tell you that your body is designed for this. I felt like a failure, my body had failed me, and my babies. I wanted them, all the dreams, and hopes, and aspirations that I had for them were just gone in an instant. And I felt responsible. I wanted to just shut everyone out, and cry a million tears. The tears seemed non stop. I could never cry enough. We told Ciena nothing, she was still a baby, and didn't understand. Plus, we figured that if we didn't talk about it, she would just forget. Then one day I was getting changed. She pointed at my belly, and said "Mama's baby?" And I fell to the floor. Would I ever be able to be a normal person again? I was alienating friends that had new babies, I refused to leave the house, I was gaining weight like crazy. I was a mess. And it wasn't over. I had another D&C that December, for yet another miscarriage. 2 miscarriages in 4 months. I was done. I was ready to call it a day. This was too painful. Then February came...

2 pink lines...again. I was terrified. Why did I keep doing this to myself? But, I tried to remain positive. But it was hard. Pregnancy loss takes the joy out of subsequent pregnancies. All you feel is fear. Even when I was in the "safe zone" I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. But on November 23rd 2009, my beautiful, amazing, wonderful Joely came into the world. My rainbow baby. And then Logi bear.

Going through all of that changed both Rob, and I. And we still often talk about our babies. We know that for whatever reason, they weren't meant to be. And it's taken us both a long time to get to this point. But, looking at our beautiful boys, we know, if it hadn't been for that awful time in our lives, we might not have these amazing children.

So this August, I will light a candle for my babies. I will pray, and I will cry. But I will celebrate. I will celebrate my living children, and the joy they bring to us everyday. I will celebrate who they are, and who they will be. I will smile.