Wednesday, 30 December 2015

Farewell 2015

Hello, friends.

So, here we are. At the end of another year, and another year end recap.

I just sat here staring at this blank page for 20 minutes. Trying to be funny, trying to think of something positive to say. Nothing. So, I'll be honest. 2015 sucked.

Well, maybe sucked isn't the right word. I mean, my family is healthy, my kids are happy, and we made it through. But, generally, it wasn't great.

2015 started with one of, well, no, scratch that. THE WORST day of my life. My Cash boy, my friend, my family, my dog, passed away. That day is still etched in my brain, and probably will be forever. I still think about him every single day. I feel responsible for his death, and I truly feel like that day just kind of set in motion a crappy year. I'm still hoping that one day I'll be able to think about him, and be happy, and smile. But, that hasn't happened yet. I was completely astounded by my grief, after losing Cash. I have lost grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, people I loved dearly. But, none of those losses even came close to the soul crushing grief that came with losing Cash. But, if not for losing him, we wouldn't have Batman. So, I guess that's some light in the darkness.

Last year, I got in the best shape of my life. I definitely wasn't at my smallest, but I felt better than I ever had before. I left 2014 with a healthy mindset, and a confidence I had never felt. I wish I could say I was leaving 2015 the same way. my motivation took a real nosedive this year. the body that had given me so much confidence last year, changed before my very eyes this year, and not in a pleasant way. I gained back all the weight I lost, and then some. And my mental health made it almost impossible to dig myself out of my self destructive hole. That's not to say I'm not still digging, but, yeah, it sucks.

Towards the end of summer, I started to I was angry. Angry at everyone and everything. I would get upset over the smallest things. I would yell, and scream, and cry, and just generally terrify my husband. I knew that it was time to go back on meds and talk to someone. Feeling this way makes it so hard to care about anything else. I just wanted to lay in bed, and ignore everyone in my life. Being back on my meds didn't magically change everything, and I'm still struggling a lot, but I have amazing family, and friends who kick my ass when it needs to be kicked, and pick me up when I fall.

I don't want to give the impression that this past year was all bad. It wasn't. The proof? This face.

I started looking at new dogs almost immediately after Cash passed away. Not because I wanted to replace him, but I just needed a dog around. I told Rob that I would never not have a dog. No matter how painful it is to lose them, they just make everything better. At then end of March, I talked Rob into going to a rescue event. There were so many dogs that needed homes, and I thought we could at least check things out. Rob had been very hesitant to even talk about another dog. He looked at it more like a replacement, and he didn't think another dog could hold a candle to Cash, and I agreed. But, my heart was so empty. I needed to at least look. When we stepped foot inside, there were puppies everywhere. I mean, it was like a wonderful dream. Puppies just wanting to be held, and played with, and loved. But, then I looked to my left, and there he was. He was so calm, and had this look in his eyes that I couldn't explain. Like a sadness. Rob, and I both zeroed in on him, and that was it. He was ours. From the moment we left, he was attached to me like glue. He wouldn't leave my side. He slept almost right on top of me, he followed me around the house, he hid behind me when the cat scared him, he was mine. This dog and I have a bond that I can't explain. The first person he looks for in the house is me, he will come inside, and run insanely from room to room until he finds me. If I leave the house for any period of time, Rob tells me that Batman will lay at the end of the driveway until I come home, at which time he screams and howls in excitement. I love this dog so much, and he is definitely a high point of this year. 

I have a 9 year old, a 6 year old, and Logan is almost 4! How did that happen?? My kids are pretty amazing. I mean, they have their moments when they are complete assholes, but mostly, they're great kids. Ciena has turned into a pretty kick ass young girl. She helps around the house, she does whatever she can to make her brothers happy, and she has my sarcastic sense of humour, which makes me pretty happy. She and I are able to banter back and forth, and talk to each other like adults. And even though I know everyone around me says, "just wait until she's a teenager! She'll become a horrible version of the little girl you used to know. And you'll become the enemy to her." And, while I know that's possible. I'm not entirely convinced. My mom and I have always had an awesome relationship. And obviously, the teen years suck for everyone, and I'm sure we probably fought a little bit more during that time, I was never horrible to my mom. She was (and still is) my very best friend. So, maybe I'm being naive, but, I believe that Ciena and I will be just as close when she's a shithead teenager. My boys are equally amazing. They are crazy, and wonderful, and so much fun. I complain about my boys a lot. They fight constantly, they yell, they scream, they destroy everything, and they just generally don't give a shit. But, they have their finer moments. Joel is such a sweetheart. He will go out of his way to say or do something nice for someone. And Logan loves to make people laugh. Whether it's because he says something cute, or insists on doing a funny walk, or because he farts and thinks it's so hilarious. He is definitely one of a kind.

My husband. What can I say? A marriage isn't always easy, and there are times when you feel like giving up. But, at the end of the day, I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. He is the first person I think of when something good or bad happens. I still look forward to seeing him at the end of every single day, and I never get tired of talking to him. I'm starting to realize, the longer Rob and I are together, there are many times when I feel like he does or says things with the intent of hurting me. But, really, I think men are just idiots. Rob very rarely lets things bother him. He is able to shake things off, and move on. I'm the exact opposite. Words hurt me a lot, and I have a very hard time letting go. I remember wrongs forever, and even though I'm able to keep those feelings to myself, I never forget.  But, I also don't forget the wonderful and amazing things that people have done for me. And, the older I get, the more I realize that my husband does amazing things for me every day. Things that I wouldn't even think about. He always brings me back coffee when he goes to town, even when he doesn't get anything for himself. He always lets me pick the movie we watch after the kids are in bed, even though we have the exact opposite taste in movies, and tv. He tells me how beautiful I am every single day, which means more than anything to me right now, at a time when I'm feeling anything but beautiful. You don't realize how much work a marriage is before you are married. It's not always what you expect, but I still couldn't imagine my life any other way. 

I cannot leave my best friends out of this recap. This year has been amazing as far as friends are concerned. And my friends are the best. These girls kick me in the ass when I need it, but they also pick up the pieces when I fall apart. Whether it's trailing through Canada's Wonderland, behind 3 crazy kids in the blazing heat, or running frantically through the streets of Niagara On The Lake, or just screaming obscenities at each other during our weekly dinners, They have, in some ways, been the best part of my year. I love them like sisters, which also means, I sometimes hate them like sisters, but when all is said and done, they are my family. I couldn't imagine not messaging with them all day long, and our crazy adventures that never quite turn out the way any of us expect. I trust these girls with my life, and my kids lives, which says a lot. I can only hope that we have just as many crazy, and amazing escapades in 2016! 

Going into 2016, there are a few things I want. I'm not calling them resolutions. Maybe just plans that I have. I am going to take care of myself, and put myself first. My health, and well being have taken a backseat, and I've lost track of my goals. First things first, I'm packing my scale away. This year will not be about losing weight. It will be about getting strong, and feeling healthy and fit. I will not put the pressure of a number on the scale, on myself. I've found that all that does is discourage me, and make me feel like a failure. I am determined to get my confidence back, and start to feel better about myself. 

I want to find my voice this year. So many times I bite my tongue, and keep my feelings to myself, and let people push me around. I've been called a pushover too many times to count. I want to gain the confidence to feel comfortable telling people when they've upset me, and the balls to stand up for myself. I don't want my kids to walk in my footsteps, and hold their true feelings in. I want them to be able to speak up if they have something to say. 

And finally, this year, I plan to spend less time online, and more time reading. I have a box of unread books, and several new books that I got for Christmas, and I plan to read them all, and then some. I have always loved reading, but after I had kids, I felt like I never had the time, which is complete bullshit, because I've found time to do other things. But, I want to make reading a priority this year. I may even set a goal for myself, to read a certain amount of books before the year is over. 

I really want to thank everyone that is reading this. Because, in one way or another, you have been a part of my life. You have been important to me, you are my friend. And the older I get, the more I realize how important friendships are. Whether they're distant, or close, or long lost. They've all shaped my life somehow. So thank you. It's been one Hell of a year, and I hope for health and happiness for every one of you in 2016.