New Years resolutions!

So, I know you were all on the edge of your seat waiting for this. Haha!

Every year, I make resolutions, that are somewhat unnatainable. I mean, who doesn't, right? But this year? This year I plan on keeping them all. So, in order to hold myself accountable, I'm sharing them with you!

• Get this weight off, once and for all! I lost 30lbs in 2014, which doesn't seem like much when your goal is 80lbs. But, it gave me room to breathe. I finally felt curvy, instead of just "fat" God, I hate that word. I felt happier, I had energy, I just felt more amazing than I had in years. I had a setback, and while I haven't gained any weight back....I am definitely fluffier. And, my thoughts had always been that as soon as we were for sure finished having babies, I would get serious. Well, here we are! And this is my year!
• Get more organized. Clutter. Clutter everywhere! I want it gone. I will be no longer hoarding every single sheet of paper my kids colour on. Some of it has to go! Clothing that no longer fits will be going to goodwill, and my cupboards will lose the expired green beans. 
• Have more sex. I know that as a mother with small children, it's very easy to get into a routine. Trust me, I've been there. You are exhausted because your kids don't sleep. You are overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done. At the end of the day you just want some time where nobody touches you. But, suddenly you realize that you and your husband have turned into roommates. And even though there are many nights when I would rather be doing anything else, I know that it's important for my marriage. 
• Run, run, run. I love running. I honestly never ever thought I would like it, let alone love it this much. It's therapeutic, it's exhausting, it's liberating....it's just everything. I have realized that lately I just haven't been doing enough of it. And with a half marathon coming up in June, I really need to put the time in. 
• Spend more one on one time with my kids. With 3 kids, you find out very quickly that there isn't always enough time to go around. And then, you get kids who act out for attention. Which is something we're dealing with right now. And I know that it's important for my kids to feel like they don't have to compete for my undivided attention. So, some alone time for each of them separately is in order for 2015.
• Read more! Another thing that suffers when you are busy with life is hobbies. I love to read, always have. But lately, I have noticed that I cannot remember the last time I read a book. Not a self help book, or a comic book, but an actual novel. So, I plan on making that a priority this year!
• Be kind to myself. This needs no explanation. 

I am really set on 2015 being one of the best years yet. :)

Have a safe and happy New Year all of my wonderful friends and family!

11 years later

So, you guys are super lucky tonight. You will be getting a two for the price of one! Two blog posts! So, here's number one.

11 years ago, I was invited to a New Years Eve party. The word was that someone wanted to meet me. I wasn't really the partying type, but, it was a night out with family, and friends. I didn't really know this guy who wanted to meet me at all. I had seen him at a few family functions, he happened to be my cousin's best friend. So, he wasn't a complete stranger to me. But, I had never spoken to him at all. I remembered the previous summer when he and I had both attended another cousin's BBQ. At one point, he and my cousin strolled over to my mom and I, and he literally just stared at me the entire time my cousin talked to us. So, at that point, my thoughts were: Creepy. I mean, who would have been endeared by that?

Fast forward to New Years. The party was at my cousin's house, and my dad, Aunt, and Uncle were going too. So, we all rode together. Well, the evening felt somewhat like a bust. I mean, I had a good time, but Rob never spoke a single word to me at all. I wasn't interested in drinking, but he drank enough for the both of us. And finally I looked at the clock, and it was 2am. I was expecting to head home, when I heard a voice say "So, do you maybe wanna take a walk?" Um, huh?? It's 2am, I've been here since 7, and this is the first words you've spoken to me. We're in the middle of a wrecking yard, where there are ample places to hide a body. A walk? I looked at my dad, and he didn't look jazzed about Rob's new found courage. But, I am unable to say no....so outside I go. Now, let me say, I honestly cannot remember what we talked about. I remember that Rob rambled a lot, and he was severely inebriated, so most of it made absolutely no sense. And just when I thought he couldn't have blown his chance any harder than he did, his parting words to me as I was leaving the party...with my DAD, were "Hey, if you wanna stay, you can share the pullout couch with me." Cue my dad shoving me out the door as quickly as possible. And also, cue me, wondering why I wasted 7 hours of my life here.

I had given Rob my number, mostly because I didn't want to be rude, and also, because I was sure that he would never call me. Well, I was wrong. He called a few days later, and I put him off by telling him that I had exams coming up, and I needed to be studying. But, relentless as he was, I agreed to him coming out to my house so that we could get to know each other better. I had no idea that I would be so thankful that I agreed to that "date"

I like this guy. I liked him quite a bit. He was kind of shy, but he was funny, and he actually wanted to know about me, and my life. So, after that first date, that was it. I had to see this guy again. We really jumped into things, And less than a month later, Rob was staying at my place almost every night, and commuting 40 minutes to work everyday, a drive that would be a short 10 minutes from his own house. 6 months into our relationship, we were living together, and we set out to prove everyone who was saying that we were moving way too fast, wrong.

And now, here we are. 11 years, 3 children, and everything that goes along with that. Has it been easy? Hell no! I can very clearly, and concisely say, it has been anything but easy. We have had to fight, and fight, and fight some more, just to get to the place we are at today. And in fact, we almost didn't make it this far. There was a very horrible time, where our future together was not looking so great. But, the one thing we both knew for certain was this: We love each other more than anything. We are committed to each other, and this life that we have created together. And with a lot of work, and a lot of love, we have come through to the other side. Happier than ever.

I still think back to that night, and laugh. It was a disaster. I never in a million years would have ever believed anyone who told me that 11 years later, this would be where I was. But, I cannot imagine my life any other way. And every day I am so thankful for this wonderful man who took me completely by surprise.

Ramblings

So,  I apologize in advance.  This might be long,  it might be short.  It will probably be all over the place,  and not make sense, either.  And,  I'm posting it from my phone.  Wheeeeeee!

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this? Maybe to help myself understand my emotions better? I am overweight.  Anyone who knows me,  is aware of this.  Last summer I got fed up with my fat ass,  and started busting it.  I was working out and running consistently,  and I lost 30 lbs!  An amazing accomplishment.  I was proud of myself.  Then,  Winter came....and everything went to shit.  I am now in a slump.  I still weigh the exact same as I did at the end of the summer.  But, I feel I different.  I feel....fluffier.  my bra feels tighter,  my shirts don't fit the same way,  I'm depressed. 

I don't need anyone telling me "You still look great!" Or "Don't do forget how far you've come!" I am the one responsible for the way things are.  And I'm just,  sad. I have never been thin.  I haven't always been overweight,  but even at my smallest,  I've never been thin.  Which isn't such a big deal,  and I can even live with that. 

The thing that bothers me is this: I think about my weight constantly.  And that is not an exaggeration.  When I wake up in the morning,  I tell myself that today will be different.  I will eat sensibly,  and get back on track. Then I get the kids off to school,  and I feel hungry.  Then I feel guilty.  I feel guilty before I've even eaten anything.  Why?  I have no idea.  I'm worried that I'll sabbatoge myself before I even eat.  I'm sad that I can't just eat what I want, without worrying. I wonder what that must be like.  So,  I don't eat at all. Which is a mistake.  I know this,  but I'm trying to prove to myself that I have control.  Although,  I don't.  Because when lunchtime comes,  I either eat way too much, or not at all.  I'm afraid of food.  I hate food.  I hate that I cannot just eat a sandwich without feeling guilty,  and like I'm failing.  And on the days that I overdo it, I destroy the entire day because I'm trying to punish myself.  For what?  I'm not sure. Then after dinner I sit on the couch with my husband,  and I curl up under a blanket,  and sweat,  because I need the blanket to cover my stomach, so nobody  (including me) can see how big it is.  Then at night I lay on my side and suck my stomach in if my husband touches me. Who am I?  This man loves me.  He doesn't care about any of that stuff.  Why do I do this to myself? 

I am active.  I run almost everyday,  I work out a few times a week. But,  I just don't feel good about myself.  I had big plans to be past my first big weight milestone,  and into the next by christmas.  And now I feel like a joke.  It's the holidays.  I so desperately want to be able to enjoy myself, and eat without worry.  But I feel scared.  I'm scared that I won't be able to workout and I'll overeat,  because....Christmas,  and I'll be back at square one. 

Like I said,  I'm not sure why I'm writing this? Maybe other women will be able to identify?  It would be nice to feel not so alone.  I know I'll get my mojo back,  and I'll kick ass again.  I just hope that happens soon.