So, I apologize in advance. This might be long, it might be short. It will probably be all over the place, and not make sense, either. And, I'm posting it from my phone. Wheeeeeee!
I'm not even sure why I'm writing this? Maybe to help myself understand my emotions better? I am overweight. Anyone who knows me, is aware of this. Last summer I got fed up with my fat ass, and started busting it. I was working out and running consistently, and I lost 30 lbs! An amazing accomplishment. I was proud of myself. Then, Winter came....and everything went to shit. I am now in a slump. I still weigh the exact same as I did at the end of the summer. But, I feel I different. I feel....fluffier. my bra feels tighter, my shirts don't fit the same way, I'm depressed.
I don't need anyone telling me "You still look great!" Or "Don't do forget how far you've come!" I am the one responsible for the way things are. And I'm just, sad. I have never been thin. I haven't always been overweight, but even at my smallest, I've never been thin. Which isn't such a big deal, and I can even live with that.
The thing that bothers me is this: I think about my weight constantly. And that is not an exaggeration. When I wake up in the morning, I tell myself that today will be different. I will eat sensibly, and get back on track. Then I get the kids off to school, and I feel hungry. Then I feel guilty. I feel guilty before I've even eaten anything. Why? I have no idea. I'm worried that I'll sabbatoge myself before I even eat. I'm sad that I can't just eat what I want, without worrying. I wonder what that must be like. So, I don't eat at all. Which is a mistake. I know this, but I'm trying to prove to myself that I have control. Although, I don't. Because when lunchtime comes, I either eat way too much, or not at all. I'm afraid of food. I hate food. I hate that I cannot just eat a sandwich without feeling guilty, and like I'm failing. And on the days that I overdo it, I destroy the entire day because I'm trying to punish myself. For what? I'm not sure. Then after dinner I sit on the couch with my husband, and I curl up under a blanket, and sweat, because I need the blanket to cover my stomach, so nobody (including me) can see how big it is. Then at night I lay on my side and suck my stomach in if my husband touches me. Who am I? This man loves me. He doesn't care about any of that stuff. Why do I do this to myself?
I am active. I run almost everyday, I work out a few times a week. But, I just don't feel good about myself. I had big plans to be past my first big weight milestone, and into the next by christmas. And now I feel like a joke. It's the holidays. I so desperately want to be able to enjoy myself, and eat without worry. But I feel scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to workout and I'll overeat, because....Christmas, and I'll be back at square one.
Like I said, I'm not sure why I'm writing this? Maybe other women will be able to identify? It would be nice to feel not so alone. I know I'll get my mojo back, and I'll kick ass again. I just hope that happens soon.