Saturday, 18 February 2017

Life isn't bad

When I'm home alone, and it's quiet (like now) it's easy to think about how much our lives have changed in the past year. And then I start to congratulate myself for not having a mental breakdown, because it's been a lot in a short time.

Last summer we left our wonderful big house in the country to move into the front apartment of my mother in law's house. Now, let me explain the situation here, because it's easy to misunderstand. We share a house, yes. But, we are in a separate dwelling. Essentially, it's like living in a duplex. And really, we don't have any less space than we did at our old house. We have three bedrooms (the boys share) we have a bathroom, and another room that will be converted into a second bathroom. The kids have a yard that is twice the size of our old yard, which was really huge. And they have Grandma right next door, which I know they love.

The transition was a pretty big mess in the beginning. We all had to figure out how to share a house with someone, the dog had to realize that this was home, and he wasn't being abandoned every time we left the house without him, the kids had to realize that a house doesn't make a home, the people sharing it do. It took a few blowouts between us and the mother in law in the first week, but we all made it through relatively unscathed.

I'm happy to say now, things are so much better than I thought they would be when we first moved in. My mother in law is an amazing support for us. She takes the kids whenever we need her to, she's able to get them on and off the bus if I have early or late classes, and she's constantly going above and beyond for us. And in a plot twist nobody would have predicted, I actually enjoy spending time with her. We're finally starting to have the kind of relationship I'd always hoped we'd have. I'm not about to start calling her mom or anything, but, it's a start.

Probably the biggest change for me was starting school. I had honestly thought about going to college for years. I toyed with the idea of night classes, or online degrees. But, when we decided to move, Rob and I talked about it and decided that if I was ever going to do it, now was the time. I applied for the HSF course last Spring, and was so excited when I got my letter of acceptance. This past 6 months have changed my life. I know that sounds silly, but it's true. I went into this course knowing that I wanted to work with people, but not really knowing in what capacity. I originally thought that social work would be the job for me. But, over the course of my first semester, completely changed my plans, and in December I applied for the ECE program and got accepted for September. That means another 2 years of school, but at the end I'll be going into a job that I'm so excited about! I have also made some really amazing friends. I am not a person who makes friends easily, but somehow these people found me, and I'm forever grateful they did. We are in one of the smaller programs, so going to class, it feels like a family. We're there for each other, we look forward to seeing each other, and we genuinely want each other to succeed. This program has been so eye opening for me. The things we're studying and the knowledge I'm gaining is so amazing.

There have been some drawbacks to this move. I miss my family. I never realized how much I took for granted being able to drive 7 minutes to see my mom, or 10 minutes to see my dad and my best friends, or 15 minutes to see my Grandparents. I don't see enough of anyone. I feel out of the loop. And, I know that I'm to blame for the disconnect too. I went from talking to my mom multiple times a day, to seeing her once a week, and generally not talking at all during the week. I miss my best friends. I know I don't message them enough, and homework has me occupied most weekends, but I need to start making time for the people I love. I feel so lonely, and far away from my people. An hour really isn't that far, until you're an hour away, and then you realize how far it really is. I miss my little County so much. I miss the small town feel, I miss the people, I miss the community.

I know this move was the right thing to do, not just because it was our only option. But, because it has put us in the position to maybe, some day not be financially strapped. It has given me a chance at a real career, which is something I've always wanted. It has given my kids a chance to grow up in a culturally diverse place, and it has given my mother in law so much more time with the kids, not to mention it has given Rob's 95 year old Grandmother a chance to spend whatever time she has left surrounded by her great-grandchildren.

Thursday, 9 February 2017

Why does it have to be this way?

So, it's been a long time since I posted a blog post. Sorry, friends! Life has been crazy and hectic, all of which I will update you on in a separate post this weekend. Promise!

I will warn you, this post is going to be depressing, it's going to be heavy, it's going to be annoying probably. And, honestly, I won't be offended if you don't read it. I'm mostly getting it out there for myself, in hopes that it will spark some motivation in me.

I am a 33 year old woman. I have kids, I have a husband, I have a pretty decent life. But, I'm so unhappy with myself that it encompasses every single aspect of my life.

This year, my weight is at an all time high. Highest it's ever been. I need to do something about it. Like NEED. My life is at stake if I don't. But, I have no motivation. No motivation for anything. But, the effects of my weight are taking over my life. My clothes are tight, and I have a dresser full of clothes that won't even fit me, my back aches constantly, walking makes me winded, my skin is a mess, my face is puffy and bloated. Everything is just shit. Not to mention I look in the mirror and feel so horrible. I've never had great self confidence, but I've definitely never felt like this before.

When I say my weight affects every aspect of my life, I'm not kidding. I think about it every single second of every single day. If I sit a certain way I'm aware of how fat I look, if I'm walking a certain way I'm wondering if I look like I'm shuffling my feet and breathing heavy, just sitting down at my kitchen table when nobody else is around, I sit so that my stomach is hidden by the table, so I don't have to look at it. I wear sweaters when I'm hot, trying to cover up my body, I keep covered in a blanket at home, so my stomach isn't sticking out. I can't think of anything else.

The worst part is, 3 years ago, I was in the best shape of my life. I was working out consistently, running every day, eating right, and happy. I was so happy. My whole outlook on life changed. I was happy to be here. Now, I can barely walk a flight of stairs. I tell myself every day to just get out and run, even if I have to walk and run in intervals, just do it. But, I'm so self conscious about how I look, I can't manage to do it.

I worry about the example I'm setting for my kids. I want them to be inspired to be healthy because they've had a good role model. I want them to be proud of me, I want them to say you know what, it wasn't always easy, but she did it. Spring is fast approaching and then summer will be here again. I won't be able to wear sweaters and long pants like I want to. And more frighteningly, the longer I let this go on, the more weight I'll gain. I can't do this anymore, I need to make things right.

One thing I think about a lot is something someone said to me a year ago. This person had been a close friend of mine, and she had a big hand in helping me get where I was physically. In short, I owed her a lot. In a series of messages that ended our friendship, she told me to "shit or get off the pot" and that she "couldn't stand by and watch me go down the path I was going down." I was spiralling and she just couldn't help me anymore. Now, I look at myself in the mirror and think to myself, if she could see me now, she would chuckle to herself thinking how right she'd been. I was spiralling, and evidently, it didn't stop. It's still happening. And then I think to myself, can I do this on my own? Maybe I need someone to push me and hold me accountable. And I dread running into her somewhere, because I don't want her to think for a second that she was right.

And that's the one thing that's sparked a little motivation in me right now. Proving to myself that I am strong enough to do this myself. Proving to myself that just because someone "spirals" doesn't mean they can't get back to where they were. Proving to myself that I am worthy of living the good life and being as healthy as I can be, without feeling like someone else played a part in my success. So, this is me, saying the same thing I've said 275595 times before, I can do this. I can be present in my own life. I can fix what is broken inside of me. I can be more than just the fat girl.