Friday, 25 July 2014

What is this place?

I'm having one of those days. You know the ones. The kids are screaming, you're tired, you're yelling way too much, the house  is a mess (and you don't have the energy to care) and then you see someone share one of those pictures on Facebook. You know, "Cherish every moment with your children, because when they're grown up, you'll miss this time." And then you get the overwhelming urge to scream at the offending poster for making you feel so shitty about the way you're feeling right in this moment.

I would be lying if I told you that my summer had been amazing so far. I mean, sure, I guess it's been pretty good. Spending a lot of time outside, playing in the pool, not having to be up and out waiting for the bus by 8. Awesome. But, man. I am overwhelmed. 3 kids never seemed like a lot to me. I got into a decent routine pretty early on, and yes, we had rough days, but these ages right now, they're tough. And there's 3 of them! I'm only one person. Ever since summer vacation started, shit has gotten real around here.

Ciena, wow. I love her to pieces, and she is a dream. I mean, she's 8. So, she's content to sit quietly, and watch a movie....or videos of some British guy playing Minecraft on Youtube. She likes to read, and she does this often. But, when she's pissed, she's like a hurricane. Unpredictable, noisy, and Hell bent on destroying everything in her path. The attitude I get on a daily basis is pretty ridiculous. She will tell me that I'm ruining her life, I just want to ruin her fun, and sometimes when she's feeling especially feisty, she'll just slam the door repeatedly. Fun, right! During the school year, I only have to deal with these episodes from 4-8 on weekdays, and on weekends. But, summer is here. And it's a 24/7 shitshow.

These boys are sucking the life force from me. For real. My house is destroyed....continuously. Like, I can't even keep up most days. I am constantly cleaning. I truly feel like they follow me around, and just throw shit around, just to make more work for me. Logan will watch me put clothes in a basket, and immediately take them all out while staring me down. They run, run, run through my house, which isn't that big. And they are both insanely clumsy, so you can guess where I'm going with this. I'm constantly telling them to stop running, but they don't. They both average on about 6 timeouts a day, and that's on a good day. Let's put it this way, one of Logan's first words, was "timeout" They fight constantly, and I mean that literally. There is not a moment that they are together, that they are not beating each other senselessly. I actually had to stop writing for 20 minutes, because Joel bit Logan......hard. Separately, they are both Angels. Put them together, and it is crazy. I grew up with a brother, and, while we fought, and it was sometimes physical, it wasn't even close to the level that I deal with when it comes to these two. I pray that this is normal, and that it doesn't mean that they hate each other subconsciously or something.

My house right now is completely ridiculous. It looks like we've been robbed....but they didn't take anything. And the worst part? I don't even care. I know I'll care tomorrow, when I'm spending all day cleaning, but right now, I'm just burnt out. I put a chicken in the slow cooker, and called it a day. And now, I'm pissed at myself that I didn't throw potatoes and veggies into the slow cooker too, because now I have to get up and cook them. I feel like a shitty wife. Rob works crazy hours. Most nights, he's not home until after 7, and I try really hard to not burst into tears the second he walks though the door. Out of relief, frustration, sadness, and sheer exhaustion. He's tired, I'm tired, the kids are never tired. My two older kids get me up at least twice a night still. Logan sleeps like a dream, thankfully.

I guess, I know I'm not alone. I'm sure there are other moms who are going through this exact.same.thing. (hopefully) and the good days outweigh the bad ones. But the bad days are so much longer, and so much more frequent. And wishing for September, and some routine makes me feel shitty. I'm here with 3 healthy, happy kids, and I'm wishing the time away. And I don't enjoy that, but I also know that the next person to tell me "Come on. Just enjoy them. These days go by too fast, and you're going to wish you'd cherished them more." is probably going to get throat punched.

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Yoo Hoo!!!

Hey! Remember me?

A friend, and one of (or possibly my only?) blog reader(s) told me that she missed my blog posts, and that went right to my head, so I'm back. :) Life has been so busy lately, and really not busy at all. How the Hell does that work?? So, here's an update, and some ramblings because around this time every night is when my mind begins to wander, right before I take an Ativan to shut it up. ;)

Summer vacation trampled right over me this year. I remember about 2 weeks before school let out, I was thinking about how nice it would be to not have a set schedule in the mornings, sleep in, not have to rush around making lunches, and yelling at Joel to put some pants on for the fiftieth fucking time. How awesome would it be to be able to lounge around, and play outside all day. Aaaah. Well, then school actually did let out, and I wanted to punch myself in the face for wanting summer to start so badly. 3 kids. I have 3 kids. It's like I totally forgot what every single evening from 4-8 was like during the school year. The screaming, the whining, the violence, the nakedness........yeah, Joel really hates pants. Well, you take those 4 hours every night, and multiply it by 10 million, and then I stick a fork in my eye. My 8 year old is a full on diva. It's like I'm living with Mariah fucking Carey. Complete with the hair flips, and hands on hip. And the boys. Holy shit. I'm too exhausted to even think of a phrase that describes them. It's kind of like when you've been at a concert for 3 hours, and then you leave, and the second you get outside you have that really loud ringing in your ears. Well, that's what life with my boys is like. A constant ringing in my ears. All they do is fight. And I'm not even exaggerating. Tonight, I told Logan to give bedtime hugs, and he gave everyone a hug, and said "I love you" He walked up to Joel, gave him a hug, and then punched him in the face. It never ends. I'm actually really surprised that we haven't had to make any trips to the ER yet. They are so vicious.

Logan still doesn't eat. So, that takes up a shit ton of my energy, and my stress has skyrocketed in turn. He is completely healthy. When I tell people that he has eating difficulties, they look at my 37lb son, look at me, and raise their eyebrow. Yeah, I know. He's a big kid. Yeah, I know it looks like I feed him steak for breakfast. Yeah, he is pink, and hydrated, and healthy......but seriously, his diet consists of Purees, baby cereal, yogurt, baby formula, and Oreos....or the cream from Oreos I guess. He's working on chewing, but we're still a ways off from where he should be for a 2.5 year old. I have never wanted someone to eat so badly in all my life. The stress of this makes me physically sick sometimes. And I feel a lot of judgement from people, people who really don't understand that eating is a skill. It's isn't something that you just know how to do. Babies have to learn, toddlers have to learn. If I had a nickle for every time someone said to me "Well, just don't give him anything at all. When he gets hungry enough, he'll figure it out."  Um, no. No he won't. I just really keep hoping that once he starts really chewing, and realizes how delicious everything is, this will all be a distant memory.

I started working out. Yay! I have never ever, ever been the girl who enjoys exercising. Ever. And it really wasn't until the beginning of this year that I took a long hard look at myself, and realized that enough was enough. I was ready to change. I never fully had the motivation before. In March, I met my trainer, and she has completely changed my life. I am in the best shape I have ever been in, in my whole life. Which seems weird to me, because I am still 70lbs heavier than my lowest (adult) weight. But even with the extra weight, I am strong, and I am fit, and I am so, so happy. I can run over 2km comfortably before I have to stop and walk, I can walk a flight of stairs without feeling like I'm dying, everything is just easier. I look forward to working out, and I get very stressed, and grumpy on the days I don't. So much so that when I seem bitchy, Rob will say to me "Why don't you go for a run?" I actually feel good about myself for the first time in a very long time. And I just feel all around happier, which is the most amazing thing.

Like I said, I'm crazy busy, but yet, not busy at all. I can have days on end when I have no appointments, and nowhere that I need to go, but yet I can't even find the time to sit down during the day. I am constantly cleaning my house, because I cannot relax if it is a mess, my kids eat So I'm forever getting them snacks, then cleaning up after them, rinse, and repeat. I have to stop once every 5-10 minutes to put someone on timeout, not even kidding. The laundry. Oh my God, the laundry. I try and keep up with it, but there is just no possible way. Like none. The kids were at my mom's this past Friday, and Saturday night, and my house was in order for 24 full hours! My kids got home at 12:30 on Sunday, and by 12:45 I wanted to curl up in bed and cry, because it only took 15 minutes for them to destroy the house.

I really will try to post at least once a week. I was actually thinking the other day that I am probably due for another husband pet peeve post. Lol. But either way, thank you for reading, and don't be afraid to comment and let me know if there's something you want me to post about. Simply because, the less I have to use my brain, even if it's just for thinking up blog posts, the better. :)