Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Halloween makes me think about you....

I remember that night so clearly.

It was my very first night closing the restaurant. And also Halloween night. The night had been pretty decent, even at the busier times. I was on my own in the dining room, so I was just happy that I hadn't made any mistakes. Finally the restaurant had died down, and I could relax.

Then one of the guys from the kitchen said that two women were at the back door, and needed to talk to me. For some reason, I didn't even consider that anything could be wrong. I just assumed that it was a couple of friends of mine. Why they would be showing up to see me at work at 10:30 on Halloween night wasn't something that entered my mind. I went into the kitchen, and saw my mom, and my Aunt standing at the door. Right away I knew. "Grandma Sharon" were the only words my mom could get out before I fell to the ground. I hit the floor before anyone could catch me, and I didn't care. I just wanted to lay there, I wanted to die...

To say that I was close with my grandmother, would be an understatement. She was one of my best friends. She supported me in anything I did...even when everyone else said I was wrong. She had an amazing sense of humour, and made me laugh constantly. She was so selfless. Everything she did, she did for others. And although I'm sure there are many people who knew her would say that some of the things she did were questionable, and I would agree, the thing is she still did those things completely for someone else. Her heart was always in the right place.

When I was a young child, I only saw my grandma in spurts. She was a heavy drinker, and was also taking a lot of medication, so I'm sure you could guess what that was like. She would frequently lay on her couch and call all of the grandkids over and tell them that she was dying, and we were never going to see us again. And she would be crying the entire time. Needless to say, we were all freaked out. So there were many times when my parents wouldn't allow us to visit her, as she was quite unstable. But then, she cleaned up. She stopped drinking except for a drink here and there. She was much more responsible, and I enjoyed being around her.

The December before my Grandma Sharon passed away, my great grandma passed away. She was my grandma's mother. Her death was very hard on my grandma. She saw my grandma everyday, she even made her dinner for her every single night. My great-grandma would drive to my grandma's and pick up her dinner, that was what tipped my grandma Sharon off that something was wrong with my great-grandma....she never showed up. If it weren't for my grandma Sharon going over there, who knows how long it would have been before someone discovered my great-grandma. I don't even want to think about it.

Exactly a week before my grandma Sharon passed away, all of our family got together. I am so thankful for that. I hadn't had a family birthday party in years. But I had moved out on my own that year, and missed seeing everyone. So I decided to have a party. My grandma was the happiest I had ever seen her. She dressed up, and told me that she got a new dress just for the occasion. She was beautiful. We all had a fantastic night. I will remember it forever.

I talked to my grandma 2 days before she passed away. She was sick, with a cold. But we discussed plans for the following week to go to the cemetery, and visit my great-grandma's grave. Then it was Halloween, and she was gone. The autopsy later showed that she passed away from heart and lung complications. She had smoked all her life, but had just recently quit. She was so proud of herself. We're not entirely sure, but we think she may have had pneumonia. Either way, I got in the car with my mom, and Aunt, and we drove to my apartment where I tried to explain to my boyfriend what had happened while I packed a bag to stay with my mom. The next week was one of the most horrible of my entire life. I barely remember any of it. I just remember wanting to hug her, kiss her, tell her I loved her again. I wanted to hear her say "I love you Angel girl." like she did every time I saw her....I just wanted her back.

Now I have kids, and kids love Halloween. And as much as I try to stay positive for them, I am sad every single year on Halloween. Missing my grandma. And hating the fact that she never knew my kids. That is the cruelest thing I can imagine. I tell the kids as much about grandma as I can. Ciena always says, "She would have loved us!" Yes honey, she would have:(

Sunday, 21 October 2012

"Family is the only thing that isn't replaceable."

I had the best talk with my brother last night. We text quite often, but we don't always have a chance to call each other on a regular basis. But last night, he called me, and we spent 2 hours talking about everything. From our childhood, to relationships of past and present.

I am so thankful to have a brother, who is not only my sibling. But also my best friend. Knowing that I could tell him anything, and he wouldn't judge, is a great feeling.

Growing up, my brother and I were always close. I mean, we fought like all siblings. But, at the end of the day, it was just the two of us. Things between my parents were not great, and sometimes it felt like R.J, and I only had each other.

My brother makes me laugh, more than anyone else. That's one of the greatest qualities he has, his sense of humour. Luckily we both have an extremely immature sense of humour;) He is very sympathetic to what people are going through. And he would be the first one to help you out, if you needed him.

I am so proud of him. I have thought to myself many times over the past few years, that I had hoped he would turn his life around. There were many issues, and things that were preventing him from holding down a job, or being motivated to do anything. We had many fights, and stress regarding all of this. I remember thinking to myself, "if he keeps this up, will he still be around 10 years from now?" That thought scared the shit out of me. The thought of losing him, and not being able to talk to him anytime, was the worst feeling I've ever had. There were multiple times when he just wouldn't come home, and he would be gone for days at a time. My mom, and I would be texting every friend he had, just trying to find him. And finally he would show up, and act like it was no big deal that he just dropped off the Earth for 3 days. Those times were definitely trying, and I had every hope that one day, we would laugh about it.

In the past year, I have seen my brother completely change, for the better. He found a job. One that he likes, and he is good at, and he has been working at the same place for almost a year. He has significantly cut down on his drinking. He has moved out on his own. In a word, he has grown up!

He has always been a musician, an excellent one too. Quite a few years ago, he started a band. The members have changed many times, but one thing that hasn't changed.....the music. R.J puts his heart and soul into this music. He is going to change the face of music, that much I know for sure. And I'm sure anyone who has heard his music, would agree with me.

During our talk, we came to the conclusion that, "The only thing that isn't replaceable, is family." We know that anything that has happened in our lives, the one constant is family. We are, and have always been there for each other. And that will never change. I only hope that one day, my kids will feel the same way about each other. I want that for them. To always love each other, and always be there for each other, no matter what happens.

I am so proud of you R.J I know I told you this last night, but you deserve to hear it again. You are an amazing person, and you deserve everything you wish for in this life. You have completely turned your life around, and I love you. You are the greatest Uncle, and friend. I love you so much, and just thought you should know<3

Sunday, 7 October 2012

What are you thankful for?

It is my favourite time of the year. The leaves are changing colours, it's cool enough to wear a sweater, and no more shorts...which means I can officially stop shaving my legs:)

Fall time!! It also means that my birthday is in just a few short weeks. Not that birthdays mean a whole lot after you become a mom.

It's also that time of year where you gather with your family, and think about the things that you are thankful for. So I decided to make a list. Now bear with me, this may get long;)

I am thankful for three beautiful children. They are my world, and the reason I get up in the morning.

I am thankful fr a loving husband, who annoys the ever loving shit outta me. But who I would live this life over, and over again with.

I am thankful for wonderful parents, who I am also proud to call my friends.

I am thankful for my wonderful brother, who has made me so proud in the past year that it makes me cry just thinking about it. Rj, you are a wonderful person, and the changes that you have made in the last year are incredible. No matter what you do in this life, it will be amazing, because that's what you are<3

I am thankful for an extended family that I love like crazy. I have the best aunts/uncles/cousin/grandparents a girl could ask for.

I am thankful for my friends. I have been more than blessed in this area. To all of you, near, and far...I love you all.

I am thankful for a warm house, on a cold night. Because I know many are not as fortunate.

I am thankful that I am able to complain about my weight.....because that means that I'm not starving.

I am thankful for people who have come and gone from my life, for whatever reason. They have had some hand in making me the person that I am today.

I have so much to be thankful for. And I think it's easy to forget that sometimes. There are always going to be things that break you down, and push you to your breaking point. But...you're alive! Live, love, make mistakes, build bridges, burn bridges, sing, dance, laugh, cry.....but overall, be thankful. Be thankful that you are able to do any of these things. Because life is so precious.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!