Thursday, 9 April 2015

Making promises to myself

This is going to be a brain dump, so bear with me. I know I talk a lot about my weight. Truth is, it's on the forefront of my mind And that is not an exaggeration. Today I was thinking about the way I perceive myself, and the way others might perceive me. And, I had a lot of feelings. And I'm going to share them. Because getting it out there makes me feel better. Because maybe some of you will read this and feel less alone in your feelings. Because I need to make some changes. For myself, for my family, and for my kids especially, who are little people with their own personalities, and ideas, but also listen intently to everything around them....even when I think they're not.

There has never been a tie in my life, since I was 12 that I haven't been obsessed with my weight. At 12, I had a little baby fat, but there was certainly nothing "fat" about my body. A defining moment for me was in 7th grade. I was at a Much Music dance (Remember those?) I thought I looked pretty cute in my overalls, and sunflower shirt.....seriously, I swear that was the style! And a good looking boy from my homeroom pushed past me, saying "Move out of the way, rolls!" I was crushed. I promptly joined the other 20 teenage girls who were in the bathroom crying. After that day, I worried about my weight constantly. It was, and is all I think about most days. And after recently starting yet another "diet" this past week, and hating myself for wanting to give up, I have realized I have to make some real promises to myself.

  • I will eat healthier. I will make better choices. Instead of chocolate, I will choose fruit. I will eat less pasta, and more veggies. Because, who am I kidding? I will never be able to quit pasta. 
  • I will make running a priority, not just a hobby that I like to do sometimes. I will make sure that I get out there everyday, and run, even if it's only 20 minutes. 
  • I will drink more water. A lot more. 
  • I will take better care of myself in general. Get more sleep, take more time for myself, to laugh, to smile, to do things that make my heart happy.
  • I will stop bringing my weight up in every conversation I have....with everyone. I have noticed lately that I subconsciously bring up how fat I am in every conversation that I have. I guess because I have a need for people to know that I am aware of how unattractive I am, and that I have a problem. I always figure "they're probably thinking about it anyways, so I might as well mention it." Truth is, they're probably not thinking about it....unless they're assholes. 
  • When my husband tells me that I'm beautiful, and he loves me however I am....I will believe him. I will stop rolling my eyes, and making sarcastic comments.
  • Along the same lines, when someone gives me a compliment, I will say thank you, and smile. Instead of thinking they are humoring me, or once again bringing up my weight. 
  • I will stop comparing myself to other women. I won't allow myself to wish I were someone else for something so ridiculous as my fat ass. That is unacceptable. I have so many things to be thankful for, and it is not fair to my family or myself for me to wish that I had so and so's abs, or so and so's hair, or so and so's skin. I have plenty of amazing qualities that make me who I am. I need to remember that. 
  • I will stop cutting myself down in my head. The things that I say to myself in my head are things I wouldn't even say to my worst enemy. So, why would I say them to myself?
  • I will take away the control that food has over me. I will try and understand that I am capable of dealing with my emotions, and stress, and general day to day anxiety in other ways than stuffing my face.
  • I will remind myself that I am raising 3 young impressionable people. And the things that come out of my mouth, and the worry that crosses my face when I get dressed, or step on the scale, are impacting them. I need for my daughter to know that her worth is NOT dependent on her size, or a number on the scale. And I want for my boys to understand that there is way more to a woman than her looks. I want them to tell women they are beautiful, and treat them in a respectable way, and never ever think that that number is as important as kindness, compassion, loyalty, honesty, and love. 
  • And lastly. I will eat to live, not live to eat. I spend much of my day stressing about mealtimes. I think about what I'm having for breakfast/lunch/dinner, and then I end up overeating, or eating the "wrong" thing, and feeling unbelievably guilty about it.  

I am finished hating myself, and thinking that everyone around me is as preoccupied with my weight as I am. I am going to be the role model my kids deserve. I will be healthy, and strong, but I will not expect to be a size 6 now...or maybe ever. I will however, make certain my kids know that I love my body, at any size. It is mine, and it helped bring them into the world, and I am capable of being the person that I know I can be.