Saturday, 30 March 2013

Random facts about me

So, not like you asked or anything, but now that I'm starting to get more feedback on my blog (thanks!) I decided to write a post all about me! But, since I'm lazy, and nobody wants too much info, it will be in fact form, and very random. Fun, right!

I am more afraid of ghosts in my house, at night, than I am of burglars
Seriously, don't ask me why, but ghosts terrify me! The funny thing is, I love watching scary movies, and actually prefer to watch the ones about ghosts.......and then it's bedtime. And suddenly, I'm 6. "What was that?" "Is that a shadow,or a demon?" "Something just touched my leggggg!!" It's really quite embarrassing inside my head, sometimes. I talk to a ton of moms who are all, "Sometimes I try and map an escape route for my kids, and I, like if there were ever a burglar in our house." And I'm like, "Yeah, but what about, like if your dead grandmother came to visit you? What's your plan then?! I need ideas!"

I peed my pants once when I was 13
Now, there are 2 versions of this story. If you want the real one, this is it......don't listen to anything my brother says! So, my brother, and I are walking home from school. It is freezing cold, and there is snow on the ground. We turned the corner, onto our street. I had to pee sooooo bad! Now, in reality, our house was probably like 5 or 6 houses away. But, looking down the block at it, with a full bladder, man, it seemed really.fucking.far. I remember telling my brother, "I really have to pee. Like really bad." And he was all, "Look, we're almost home. Don't do anything stupid." Then I'm like, "I think I'm gonna pee." And he's like, "What?! Are you fucking serious?! We're 10 steps away from a toilet!" And I chimed in with, "I'm peeing." That was met with a look of horror, and a definite loss of respect. But, seriously, I was only 13. My brother is way off base when he says I was 19.......seriously, not true.

My first boyfriend was from Holland
Yeah,so picture this. Your dad works on a tobacco farm. He comes home one night, and says, "Yeah there's these two cool guys that I work with, and I invited hem over for dinner." Whatever, right? Well, then the two guys show up, it turns out they are young....and cute! So, in my 14 year old head, I'm going, "jackpot!" So, after some visiting, I notice that I am developing a little crush on the younger of the two guys. He's kind of quiet, pretty respectful......not so great with the English, but we can work around that. So, then a few nights later, dad comes home and says, "Those poor guys, they aren't going home until the end of October, but the farmer is turning off the heat in the bunkhouse! They'll be so cold!" Then he decides, "Hey, remember the two guys that came over? Yeah, remember how you really liked one?! Well, they are going to stay here with us for a few weeks!" Good call, dad.Good call. So, anyways they came, they stayed, I got my first real kiss, with tongues!! And, we were "dating" Now you know the huge problem with dating someone that lives 4000 miles away?  Well, they live 4000 miles away! Now, there were sweet phone conversations, although, we were only allowed to talk for an hour because of the long distance charges. He actually did come to visit twice in the 18 months we were dating. He stayed in our house, both times....big mistake, dad. ;) But after a while, I got bored. I was 16, and was just not on the same page. He kept talking about getting married, and having kids. Blah! But, he was my first love.

I played with barbies for a really long time
Like,my mom had to tell me when I was 13, that she was not buying me the Barbies that were on my Christmas list....

I can say the alphabet
Not that this is a skill that should be boasted.I mean really, who thinks this is important? Well, my gram does.  When I was 6, she sat me down, and within a half an hour I was rattling it off! Hmm, I guess this is more of a "stupid human trick"

I talk, a lot
Never had it been a problem, until Rob, and I had kids. Then they started talking, too. And then I started to notice my husband start to enjoy being by himself a lot more. I can usually tell when he's tuning me out, and I used to care. But now, I just keep on going, and I get pissed later if I realize he wasn't listening. The best part, is when I start talking about random shit while we're in the car. He starts out listening, and then the more I say, the more his expression changes. It pretty much goes from, a half smile, to a straight face, to this look of pain that is quite indescribable. Almost like he would rather jump into oncoming traffic, than listen to one more thing I have to say.

Monday, 25 March 2013

You know what really grinds my gears?I

Welcome to my second instalment of, "You know what really grinds my gears. This is the driving edition. Now, I am a stay at home mom. Which simply means that on most given days you can find me at the mall. Usually just circling the perimeter, force feeding my kids junk, and trying to survive until naptime. So, needless to say, I do a lot of driving. And let me tell you, there are some legit shitty drivers out there. Which I'm sure you know. But in case you don't, let's go through a list of my biggest driving pet peeves.

The driver that won't pull into the intersection.
You know who I'm talking about. The light turns green, and you, and a whole line of cars are in the left turning lane. Only one little problem, the asshole at the front of the line is still sitting behind the white line. Which pretty much means, he will sit there until traffic clears, and he can go, or the more likely scenario, he will sit there until the light turns yellow, and then when the cars slow down, he will make his turn while the rest of us stay right where we are knowing that we can't make the light. Seriously, dude? Look, I'm not asking you to drive into oncoming traffic. All I ask is that you inch forward just a bit, just enough so that when you make your move after that light turns yellow.....I can follow you!

The asskisser
This is the driver that can't seem to back the eff off! The driver that will ride your ass until you reach your destination. The guy/girl that has ample opportunity to pass you,but chooses not to.  For some reason they are content to stay as close to you as possible. No matter how much hand waving/finger gesturing is thrown at them. What's even better is if this person follows you at night....with their high beams on. Oh yeah, that's totally awesome. You may be blind, but hey, they can see what type of interior you car has!

The "braker"
I had no idea what to call this person. But this seemed to fit. Now, this is the driver that brakes for everything. Now, I totally understand being a cautious driver, I have 3 kids that I drive around daily. Caution is my middle name.....but there is a line. This is the person that will put on their brakes for a stoplight, like a km before they reach it. The person who slams on their brakes when they see a car pullout in front of them....3 blocks away. The person whom you just  cannot follow, because anytime they go around any type of bend or curve, you have to slow down to a crawl because they are so brake happy you may hit them. Do you know this person?? Is this you?? Stop it! Little word of advice, just take your foot off the gas pedal. See, works, doesn't it!

The asshole on the cellphone
Seriously, stop that shit before you kill someone...

The bicyclist that rides on the road, yet doesn't follow the rules of the road
Now, I haven't seen this in cities or towns. But in the country, where I live. Oh my God! Cycling is great exercise, I know this,you know this, and apparently a bunch of "older" citizens got the memo, too. Now, before anyone gets all, "don't make fun of seniors trying to keep in shape!" I'm not making fun of anyone. I think it's fabulous when I see seniors on bikes! It is a great way to stay in shape, and I commend them. But...that doesn't give them a pass to ride along like they have the right of way. And trust me, that is how many of them ride. I'm sure that's not what they're thinking, but they really aren't being safe. I have had cyclists pull out in front of me, I've seen them completely disregard stop signs, and I've seen them riding on the wrong side of the road, which is just plain dangerous, especially after dark. Remember, we need to share the road, which means, a little drivers education wouldn't hurt.

The litterbug
Nothing gets me more pissed off than a litterbug. Does nobody care about the Earth?? But, what's worse, is the litterbug that disposes of their disgusting garbage going 90km down the road. It makes me so sad to take a walk down my road, in the middle of fucking nowhere, and see McDonalds bags, Tim Hortons cups, and enough beer cans/bottles to buy another case! Don't be an asshole, drop that shit off into an actual garbage can. Or just toss it into the back of your vehicle, like I do.;)

This guy
Seriously, give the fuck

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

I'm hibernating...

Yeah, I  know it's the day before spring, so I can't hibernate?!

This is how I'm starting to feel, everytime I have to take the boys out of the house. It is absolute fucking bedlam. I'm being completely serious. I really think it was easier, when Logan was itty bitty. And it was pretty fucking hard then.

First of all, getting ready to go out. "Is this the right foot? Is this the right foot? Is this the right foot??!!" "Yes!" "It was the right foot the last billion times you asked me  too!" Here's a thought, put it on, walk around for a minute. If your foot hurts, it's probably the wrong foot. Then I get to say "Joel, close the door, we're not ready yet!" 68 times, and if I'm lucky, one of those times the dog will sneak back in. Then I get to drag his fat ass off the couch before we can leave. All the while Logan is probably screaming bloody murder, because getting ready to go anywhere confuses the shit outta him, and he just cries until I put his coat on. Doesn't that sound like fun?! And we haven't even left the house yet.

Then we get out to the van. Winter coats have to come off before the buckles get snapped, then Logan pretty much does whatever possible to delay me buckling him in, and the entire time that is happening, Joel is swinging between the two back seats. "Mama, look at me, look at me, look at meeeeeee!!" So, then I get to yell at him 87 times to get into his carseat for 5 minutes. After he finally gets buckled in, I'm instructed to hand him 33 different toys that are littering the van floor. By the time I get into the driver's seat, it's taken us 30 minutes just to get buckled in, and I have sweat dripping down my back.  But, we're off!

Now,depending on where we're going, I can sometimes predict how the adventure will go. Today just happened to be the doctors. Now, the doctors is probably my least favourite place to take the kids. I'll demonstrate why.

We got there today, and the parking lot was full. Not unusual, it's a small lot, and the spaces are somewhat compact anyways. So I parked in the lot across the road. Now, it was snowing, and windy, and all around miserable. So first things first, I haul the stroller out of the back. Then I attempt to unbuckle Joel before Logan.This is met with screaming at the highest degree. And the screaming doesn't stop there. Because we get to put winter coats back on. Yay! So Joel puts his coat on while I struggle with my 1 year old trying to get him to bend his goddamn arms and stick them into his coat. Then we get that figured out, and here comes the hat. The hat isn't a big winner around here either. Let's just say that by the time we get into the office, we're all in tears....

Now I get us all checked in,and then I realize, I smell shit. I quietly ask Joel if he farted. Nope. I look at Logan, and he just looks at me, with this look of contempt. And,I  know. I know he shit himself. So I try to ignore it, hoping I was mistaken. But there was absolutely no ignoring this smell. So off to the bathroom we go. Now, I'm going to add here, that Logan has never grown out of that newborn hating his diaper being changed. He still screams through almost every single one. I was hoping that he would be silent, but I knew I was asking for too much. As soon as I folded down the change table, he lost it. Another fun fact, public bathrooms have an awesome echo. He screamed the entire time I changed him. And then he screamed when  set him into the stroller, so I could wash my hands. Fun! So then we exit......and 8 strangers are staring me down. They obviously heard my child screaming, and they are either silently judging me, or pitying me. So, in silence we take a few seats, and wait to be called in.

Finally, it's our turn. And this is where it gets real fun. As soon as Logan saw the nurse, the nurse he knows all to well, the nurse who administers all of his shots, and takes his temp, and carries him half naked to the scale with her cold hands, his bottom lip starts to quiver, and I know, the waterworks are coming. Now, I know we're not there for Logan to be seen, the doctor knows that, too. But I realized after trying to explain that to a one year old, nope. Not working. So, as soon as the nurse left the room, Logan relaxed, but he quickly became pretty unrelaxed as soon as the doctor entered. This is where my memory gets a little dicey. I'm pretty sure I got looked at by the doctor, I vaguely remember telling Joel to take deep breaths while he was being examined,but the thing I mostly remember, is my toddler screaming through  the entire exam. It was...hmmm, I don't even have a word for it. It was fucking bananas. So, when we were all done, I may have grabbed Joel,and the stroller, and seriously ran from the office.

And then I got to listen to Joel all the way home, complaining because the nurse never offered him a sucker.........

Monday, 18 March 2013

You know what really grinds my gears?

So, in an effort to force myself to post here more, I have decided that every Monday I will do a "you know what really grinds my gears?" post. And just use a different theme every week. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to pull it off week, after week. But, as it turns out......a lot of things piss me off. So here is the first post. And this week is the husband edition.

So, I absolutely love my husband. He is an amazing father, and he works super hard so that I can stay home with the kids, that's great. But, he does a lot of things that make me say, "what the fuck?!" I'm sure those of you with significant others can relate. But, lets run through the list of things that make you go hmm, just for fun!

First of all, he eats in bed. Not really something to get up in arms about, right? Well, I would agree, except for a few facts. Almost every single night, Rob gets up in the middle of the night for a snack. Most of the time it's cheerios. He will get back into bed, and I wake up due to his insanely loud crunching on cereal. I seriously try not to fight with him about it, but being woken up by crunching at 3am, well, it makes me stabby. And it's not always cereal, sometimes he eats an entire sleeve of bed. Now let me tell you, crumbs are not the only issue I have with cookies in bed, although that does piss me off. Another thing is the chocolate chips will fall onto the bed, then Rob lays down, on top of crumbs, and you see where I'm going with this? Chocolate melted all over our sheets. Awesome.

Folding clothes. Now, you're anything like me, and the rest of the population, folding clothes, and putting them away sucks! I can wash, and dry clothes all day, but when it comes time to fold, blah! Sometimes, living out of baskets gets to be too much for my husband. Not sure why, I have no problem with it, but different strokes, and all that. So, every once in a while, he will decide to "fold" Now I put fold in quotations, because nobody, and I do mean nobody would ever consider what he does to be folding. For real. First of all, if anything happens to be inside out, it will stay that way, because he will not turn it the right way. Then he simply lays clothing in the pile corresponding to it's location. Now when I first saw him do this, I stared in wonder. I thought to myself, separating clothes first, then folding them? That's odd. And then I realized that there was no folding happening. He picked up Ciena's pile of clothing, and walked to her room. I watched him open her dresser drawers one, by one. Noting that the bottom one had the most room, then he began to shove all of the clothing in his hands, unfolded, into the drawer. Now, I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that most normal people have some sort of rhyme, and reason to dresser drawers. You know, like top drawer, pajamas, underwear, and so on, and so on. Nope! Not my husband. When I gently mentioned to him that maybe it would be better if he just kept his effing hands off the clothes from now on, his comment was that clothes unfolded, and randomly shoved into drawers, was better than digging through baskets.....Um, nope.

Unloading the dishwasher. Now, I know you're probably thinking, "Come on, my husband is clueless when it  comes to housework, too!" But, I'm not kidding when I say, my husband takes this to the extreme. I obviously have issues with how he loads the dishwasher as well, but I can live with that. But the putting away of the dishes, oy. It's horrible.  Now, let, me start by saying that I can only assume that someone who has to get dishes out of cupboards everyday, and knows where to get whichever dish/cup/spoon....he wants, should have at least a little inkling of where the dishes go when they go back into the cupboard. Right?? Right?? Well, anyways, I kept my mouth shut about it for a while, I know amazing right! But one day I opened the cupboard to get a bowl, and 50 million dishes crashed into my face. Now, picture this scenario. large plates, on top of large bowls, on top of small bowls, on top of saucers. And now they are all laying at my feet. Now, I questioned my husband, and his response......"Well, I just put everything where it makes sense to me." Um, how? And no matter how many times we have this conversation, any time he unloads the dishwasher, my cupboards are complete mayhem! And things go missing, too. There are utensils, and actual small appliances that I haven't seen in years!

He never puts the toilet seat down, and I stumble to the bathroom to pee at 2am, and fall in the toilet....awesome.

He never finishes a project. Right now, we have an unfinished: bathroom, Logan's room, Living room, entire upstairs, and laundry area. He starts these projects with the best of intentions, I'm sure. But after he gets into it, and realizes how much work is involved, he gives up. And I usually come home to find him sleeping on the couch. And the house usually stays disassembled, until I put it back together. I literally had a washing machine in my kitchen for a week, and a half. And when I realized that it wouldn't be moved until I moved it, guess what I did? Yep, I moved it myself. We put up a wall in between our living room, and dining room before Joel was born. Actually I think I was 6 months pregnant with Joel. Now, 4 years later out living room wall is still just dry walled, it hasn't been painted. Oh, and it looks awesome.

I have way more, but I'm starting to feel like this has been therapeutic enough. I hope I was able to entertain you with this list. Maybe you are nodding your head, maybe you are shocked, maybe you just read this because there was nothing good on t.v?

Next Monday the theme will be driving! I'm sure we all have a ton of things that grind our gears when it comes to that!

Friday, 1 March 2013

Bad mommy,or real mommy?

So, after the day/week/month I've had, I feel like I need to post this. I need to give an account of what motherhood is really like....for most of us. And it has occurred to me, that I should post this because, maybe some mommies feel like the way they sometimes feel is wrong, or the way they act, or react is wrong. I'm here to make you all feel a lot better.

I am a mother. And not one of those stylish, pulled together, "How does she do it" types of mothers. More like a frumpy, hot mess "Her baby isn't wearing any shoes" types of mothers. *Disclaimer:I do put shoes on my baby....but he is forever taking them off, so you're pretty much guaranteed to see him shoeless.

I have good days, like when my Amazon order gets delivered, or when both my boys the same time,  any day that I don't have to wash puke/snot/shit off of myself is just a bonus. And I knew what I was in for when I signed up for this mothering gig. But some things  just never occurred to me when deciding to become a mother.

I have not been to the bathroom alone since 2006, for real. I don't know about you, but there is nothing more likely to constipate you than a toddler sitting on a stool in front of the toilet, watching you try to poop.

Hot food just doesn't taste good to me anymore. And I can't quite relax, and enjoy my meal unless there is someone sitting in my lap, eating off my plate.....and yet I'm still fat.Go figure.

Sleep sounds good, in theory. But between a snoring husband, children kicking me all night, and all the random shit that runs through my head on a constant loop.....oh, the sun is up!

I will never be a MILF. Not that I want creepy dudes checking me out....well, maybe I do. The point is, I'll never be one of those women who people look at, and say "I cannot believe you've had 3 kids!" The comments I generally get are, "Oh! When are you due?!"

I look like shit. My hair, my skin, circles under my eyes. Having kids has aged me like 100 years.

I could probably go on, but I'm starting to depress myself. There are some things that I do, that I'm not particularly proud of. Things that I convince myself that "with it" mothers don't do. Things like,

Cry in the bathroom while my children are on the other side of the door carrying on about anything, and everything.

Yell at my kids when they act

Pretend to watch my kids do awesome "tricks" while keeping one eye on phone/computer/t.v.

Let my kids have absolute crap for breakfast/lunch/dinner, because I'm too tired to cook something substantial.

Imagine what I might be doing if  I hadn't had kids....horrible,I know.

Dream of taking a a winery.

Wear earplugs, because I just need to take the edge off the whining.

Order takeout,and pretend I made it.

So there you have it. I could probably write a novel about everything I think I'm doing to fail my kids. And these thoughts go through my head more often than not. But I wanted to let you know, it's tough. Raising kids is fucking hard. But the rewards(hugs, "I love you's) make it all worth it. And if you disagree, just wait until you're old, and get back at them. Make them change your shitty diapers. ;)