Hey, friends. Long time no see. School and well, life, are really kicking my ass right now. But, I had a lot of feelings this morning that I need to get out. So, here I am.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am EXTREMELY close to my family. Family is the most important thing in my life. With that being said, like most people, I have some family that are not so great. People that are possibly toxic, or maybe they are narcissistic, or maybe they're a combination of all of those things. Or, maybe, like in my case, you're not even sure how to label them, because you don't know them at all. And the things you do know, aren't great.
The day I was born, my dad called his father to share the good news. Now, obviously, the birth of a baby, the first grandchild especially, is a really joyous occasion. But, this was even more than that. I was born on my paternal Grandfather's birthday. How amazing for my dad to be able to tell his father that he shared a birthday with his first grandchild! Well, the response that my father got was crushing. "You have your life and I have mine. You live your life and I'll live mine." My father was gutted. I mean, I was a newborn, so I didn't witness this, but I can imagine. That is where my relationship with my "Grandfather" begins and ends.
Growing up, my father didn't really see eye to eye with his father. I'm sure many of us can relate to that, myself included. But, the difference is, when my father was 17 years old, still a child, he left his father's home for good. I don't know all the details of what transpired before this, so I won't even speak on it, but I'm sure it hurt everyone involved. Eventually my dad's two brothers followed suit, and left as well. Now, I have two sons, and I also have a brother, and male cousins who I watched navigate the teenage years. It wasn't always pleasant, I do know that. Stolen vehicle, drunken shenanigans, screaming and breaking every rule imaginable. But through it all, these boys were loved. They were cared for, and knew they always had a place to go, with people who loved them.
The only time I have ever laid eyes on my "Grandfather" was at a funeral when I was 10. I watched my dad walk up to him, and look him in the eyes and say "Dad" and his father nodded his head and said "Rob" That's it! Could you imagine not seeing your child for over 10 years, and finally they are in front of you, and all you can manage is a nod of the head?! The rage I felt at 10 years old in that moment, has stayed with me for 25 years. And, if I'm being honest, it has only intensified since I started having children of my own. I can't imagine any situation...ever, that would result in me never talking to one, or more of my children for any length of time. And I certainly couldn't imagine holding a grudge and anger at them for something that they may have done as a teenager. That seems crazy to me. And really fucking sad.
I am admittedly an angry person. I carry anger for many things that happened to, and around me from the time I was a young child, up until 3 weeks ago. (sorrynotsorry) I go through spurts where things get into my head, and take up residence for extended periods of time. And, I'm shocked at the amount of hurt and anger I feel for a situation that didn't really involve me (until the day of my birth) for someone who I've never even met. I'm working on it, and my hope is that one day I won't feel it quite as deep. But, then I think about my Grandma Sharon. She is my dad's mom, and was married to his father. She struggled her entire married life. Struggled with addiction, struggled with mental illness, struggled with a husband who wasn't good to her. And she got the blow back for all of it. She was painted as a villain, someone who couldn't take care of her children, which at certain times was probably true. But, she didn't have any support, and she did her best with what she had at the time. And at the end of the day, she loved her children fiercely. I know that I'm biased because she was my favourite person and I loved her, and I don't know and have never known my father's dad. The thought that she isn't here, knowing how much she loved her children, and how much she would have enjoyed seeing her grandchildren and great grandchildren grow up, but can't. Knowing that there is a man out there who has and has had the ability and option to be a part of his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren's lives, and has chosen not to. Yep. Anger. White hot.
Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I have no desire to see this man now, I have no desire for my children to know him. My kids have amazing grandparents who love them and always look forward to seeing them. And, it's very possible that a great portion of this is incoherent rambling. I apologize, I had to reschedule my therapist appt, so I'm getting it all out here, I guess.
I see how my dad is with my kids, and I know that through everything he has been through, he's not repeating any part of he and his dad's story. My father and I never got along when I was growing up, but my dad has never turned his back on me. My dad has been nothing but supportive and happy for my brother and I with any and all accomplishments. My dad loves his kids and his grand kids. I can't presume to know how my father feels about his father and the situation now. And it's possible he would tell me "Get over it." and I truly hope that one day I'm able to. But, today is not that day.
