Monday, 16 December 2013

2013 Recap

Well, as 2013 is coming to a close...say what? I know, this year has FLOWN by! I have been thinking about the highs, and lows, amazing moments, and not so amazing ones. So, I thought I would just do a little recap of the last year of my life.

Thinking back to a year ago, seems like a whole different time. We were still dealing pretty heavily with Logan's strange episodes, and struggling with his delays. I was still trying to find my groove of being a mother of 3. And I was just overwhelmed in general. Not that things are really that much different in that respect now. ;)

A year ago, I had a (almost) one year old that was significantly delayed in both, gross motor, and fine motor skills. He couldn't roll over, he couldn't sit up well, he was not mobile at all. I mean, literally I could set him down, and know that he would be in the same spot 10 minutes later. I struggled. I would see people posting cute pictures, and videos on Facebook of their (sometimes much younger) babies doing things that Logan just couldn't do. I remember being so sad seeing my baby looking at the Christmas tree, and knowing that he just wanted to touch it, but unless I put him down right next to it....he just couldn't. I would be so hurt, and upset when people would say, "Oh, be thankful he's not getting around. They just get into everything." Yeah, I knew that. But I wanted for him to be getting into stuff. I wanted to have to put a gate around my Christmas tree. Do you know unusual it is, to be able to have a mountain of gifts under a tree, and not have to worry about your toddler getting into them? I'll never forget how happy I was, when I got the call that Logan was finally set up with a PT, and an OT. Tears of joy! Logan's PT, Heather was amazing. I remember being so in awe of how much progress he was making in such a short amount of time. I saw Heather today, she took one look at Logan running, and her eyes filled up with tears. She said, "Do you realize that it was right around this time a year ago that I started seeing Logan? And look at him!" The first time Heather saw my one year old son, he couldn't even roll over, and in 8 months, she had him on his feet, taking steps. I can say, hands down, the day that Logan took his first steps, was the greatest day, and the biggest joy of 2013.

Now, most of you that are reading this, are close friends. So, you will not be surprised when I talk about the issues in my marriage, being an intense low of this year. I'm not going to go into specifics, obviously a lot of you know. But, this was a hard, hard year for us. We struggled, and are still struggling some days. I cannot explain to you what it feels like to question your marriage. To question all the years you have spent with this person, all the happy times, as well as the difficult. It's terrifying. Not knowing what the right decision is, and not having the strength to make hard choices. But we're still here. We both do a lot of soul searching this year. And the bottom line? The conclusion that we both came to? We want to be married. And furthermore, we want to be married to each other. We are still making mistakes, and trying to learn from them. We don't always have good days....or weeks. But I can say with 100% certainty, we are both much happier than we were 6 months ago. I have no idea what the future holds for us. If I had a wish, it would be for the two of us to still be here, and loving each other 50 years from now. We're not perfect. But, we acknowledge that, and do our best. It's not always easy, but it is worth it.

This year, my little Joely started school. Like real school. Crazy! Putting him on the bus that first day was so bittersweet. He was so excited, and brave. And independent. Which is everything I wanted him to be on the first day. But, I anxiously waited all day for a phone call saying that he just wanted to come home. And it never came. It dawned on me, that he didn't need me as much as he used to. He was a big boy. He had a great day, and came home, and he was so excited! That's hard. Here is my little "baby" the boy who still falls asleep in my lap every night. The one who cries at the drop of a hat. He's so little. But he proved that there were some things that he needed, and wanted to do on his own. The last 3 months I have noticed a huge change in Joel. He isn't so shy, he is so inquisitive. He wants to learn! And he is learning. He's making friends. All of the things you want for your child, and they are doing them. It's a proud moment.

Ciena. Aaah, what can I say about my sweet little firecracker? Wise beyond her years, that's for sure. She talks like an adult. She understands everything. And one change I noticed in her this year? She gets sarcasm! Before, she wouldn't get the joke. So she'd get upset, and then you'd try and explain it to her, and just no. But then one day, she just got it. I love the fact that we have our own little inside jokes now. We laugh our heads off while the boys in the house look at us like we're nuts. While Ciena didn't have any big defining moments this year, she has grown so much. She isn't a kid, kid anymore. She's a little lady. No longer are the days when she just doesn't care if she has messy hair for school, she does care! She embarrasses very easily, and doesn't like feeling like the butt of the joke. She is quite serious, but loves nothing more than to laugh when something is really funny. She is an amazing kid. Her teacher told me that she had separated all of the students into study groups. And of course, there was a lot of bickering, and fighting. So the teacher called up each student individually, and asked them to name 2 students who they would want to work with. And she said every student named Ciena as one of their two choices. I cried. I cried happy tears that I was raising a kind child. A child who finishes her work, and then helps others with theirs. She is amazing.

This year really has been a roller coaster. I had lots of laughs, and I cried even more. I always try to be a kind hearted person. I do not easily let things roll off my shoulders. And this past years tried me in ways I never thought possible. I considered ending my marriage, I watched my sweet Logi become a maniac over the Christmas tree just like I had hoped he would last year, I found out who my true friends were, and lost some friends that I thought were forever. Definitely not an amazing year by any stretch of the imagination, but the awesome, and totally wonderful parts were worth all of the rest of the bullshit. So, I say farewell to 2013. And hopefully 2014 is a year that kicks this year's ass!!

Friday, 6 December 2013

Airing my grievances...

It's Friday, so let's bitch it out!

I've been holding this shit in, so I'm sorry if this post is super long. I'm looking at the clock, and it is 8:17am....but it seriously feels like it should be time for bed. My kids are fucking animals, and I say that in the nicest way possible. I mean, they truly are just like animals. They bite, they whine, they steal food from everyone, and I generally cannot take them into public places, because of their unpredictability. I love them to pieces, but this has been one of those weeks that have me locking myself in the bathroom the second Rob gets home from work. I'm going to lay this week out.

They have been up at 5am....ever single day this week. Wut?? How? How do children not collapse into a puddle of anxiety, and exhaustion at 1pm when they get up at 5 fucking AM? I'll tell you. They save that shit for me, when they get home. The second they walk through the door, it's crazy. I do any and all cleaning that needs to be done, in the morning. I don't like looking at the mess, and when I lay Logan down for his nap in the afternoon, I like to be able to sit on my fat ass, and do nothing at all. But, the second my kids get home from school, the house is destroyed. It's amazing to me, that I have managed to teach my 2 year old to put shit away when he's done playing with it, but my 7 year old, and 4 year old are like "Huh? What does that mean?" Trust me, if you visit me anytime after 4 in the afternoon on a will assume I've been robbed, and/or insane.

So, aside from the fact that I am forced to get up and parent children at 5am, which really, I could ultimately deal with. I have the morning routine going on. The kids catch the bus at 8, and how we've never missed the bus, I'll never understand. Mornings are crazy! So, first of all I have to basically bribe Joel to put some fucking clothes on, and remind him that if he goes to school naked, mommy is going to prison. Not that he cares, but it's worth a shot. So, we argue that for a while, and he finally decides to get dressed. The discussion of what he puts on is a different discussion for a different day. Then, I will inevitably hear Ciena whining to help me open her drawers. Yup, this kid has no many fucking clothes that her drawers won't just slide open. Lyfe is hard, yo. Well, this morning I trot into her room to help her, and promptly trip over the mountain of toys that is littering the floor. Awesome. But she got the drawer open, so, crisis averted.

At this point, I'm busy trying to make lunches. Which then starts the complaining about what is put in the lunches, and arguing over who has the better lunch.....I know, I don't get it either. This is generally when Logan decides he is so famished that if he doesn't get fed immediately, he will collapse....or scream bloody murder. So, I start just throwing shit into lunch bags, and throw them into backpacks. Now, feeding Logan is always interesting. He has many special needs when it comes to feeding, one of which is that most of the time he needs someone to feed him. I say "most of the time" because he is technically supposed to be doing it by himself, but in the mornings, there isn't time for that shit. I feed him, because it's quicker. But this morning he decides he wants drinkable yogurt. He loves yogurt in any form, but this is his fave. So, I'm thinking, yes! He can do that himself! One problem....I'm out of straws. That could be bad. He pretty much needs the straw, otherwise that shit is getting poured all down the front of him. But, I have none. And now I'm holding the fucking yogurt in my hand, and he is screaming at me, "Mine! Mine! Miiiiiiinnnnnneeeeee!" So, I do what any other mother would do, I open that shit, and hand it to him. All the while thinking to myself, oh, it won't be that bad. Well, it was. The first drink he takes, everywhere. All over him, all over the floor, just everywhere. Now I'm upset, but of course I can't be upset with him, I gave it to him knowing full well that this would happen. But fuck! And since he won't let me take it from him, he just wanders through the house, leaving a yogurt trail behind him. It's at this moment that I look at the clock, we have 10 minutes.

So, here I come with a new outfit for Logan, and I get to chase him through the house. Yay! And here's the part where I point out that dressing a toddler, is like dressing an octopus. It literally takes me 10 minutes most days to get him dressed, and when I'm done, I look like someone beat the shit out of me. I'm trying to dress Logan, and screaming at the kids at the same time to get their coats, and boots on. Finally Logan is dressed, and we get outside just in time as the bus pulls up.

It's Friday, that means garbage day. Now this is the point in the post where I vent about my husband. Now, he works generally a 12-13 hour day. So I don't expect him to help with housework, or cooking, or anything. I actually prefer her leaves the cleaning up to me, I have a certain way of doing things and, well, we'll just leave it at that. But, he is "supposed" to take out the garbage. We don't put it out the night before, unless we want wild animals to dig through it, so he is "supposed" to take it out Friday morning before he leaves. Well, anyone that has driven past our house in the past 6 months has probably noticed a red truck FULL of garbage. Here's why. My husband NEVER empties that garbage can in the kitchen. Like never. I always do it, and it is ridiculous. This is why. Not only does he not empty it, but he will continue to throw garbage on top when the can is quite obviously full. When I say full, I mean, you throw trash on top, and it promptly falls onto the floor. So then I bag it all up, and either put it by the front door, hoping that Rob takes it out on Friday, or I take it out to the truck. Well, flash forward to this morning. While putting kids on the bus, I notice garbage out at the curb. And inside I am thrilled. Yes! He saw the bags by the door, and took them out, and I didn't even have to ask! Yes! Then I get inside.......there are the bags. So, he took bags from the back of the truck, instead of the ones that are sitting by the door, stinking up the entry way. Now, before you say, "Well, maybe he didn't see them." Trust me, he did. He has to step over them to get the dog his food every morning. Blah!

Now, don't anyone get me wrong. I am happy, I love my life. I actually love being a SAHM. I love doing all of the things that I do. I feel the need to clear that up. I am not "bored, and unhappy" like someone suggested to me earlier this week. I think we all have days or weeks that are just shitty. That's life. Nothing is perfect. But as shitty as this week has been for me, I will always look ahead, and know that next week will be better. I don't drink, but I do a pretty good job of drowning my sorrows in chocolate when I need to. ;)

Happy Friday!!