Let's talk about sex...

Now lets see how many page views I get;)

Now, there are many things that I'd like to say about sex....but as I've said before, this blog is public, and I've learned recently that my husband is very private about what goes on in our bedroom. Who knew? So, I figured I would make a post about sex that I'm sure most women, mothers especially can relate to.

How?? How do you find the time? How do you find the energy? How do you mentally get yourself there, you know what I mean. Guys can turn it on in a second, I'd love to be able to do that. But, I can't. So, when my husband is ready, I either turn him down, put on a happy face, and pray to be thinking about anything other than tomorrow's grocery list while we're getting busy, and/or become the best actress ever, and fake it. Now, before you get the wrong idea, I have never had a bad time in bed with my husband. It's always enjoyable, and faking it, most of the time, is just to give him a confidence boost....and depending on the night, speed things along;) But, I'm always really upset with myself that when he is in the mood the first thing that comes to my mind is, "Really? I don't feel like it." I'm sure I'm not alone in this.

I stay home all day with 3 kids. Now, I know that no matter what job you happen to do during the day, you inevitably will be tired when you get home. So, I'm definitely not using the SAHM thing as an excuse. But, with that being said, I'm exhausted about 97% of the day, until about 10:00pm. Then my brain wants to party, hence the late night blog posts. A typical day for me goes like this; Between 5-6am wake up with Logan, feed him and most days out him back to bed. I usually crawl back into bed after he goes down around 7am...and that's pretty much the time the other 2 wake up. So, I have to get up. The rest of the day consists of feedings/diaper changes/making meals/laundry/tidying/vacuum/mop/tidy again/and a little yelling, and crying in between(me, and the kids) By the time Rob walks through the door around 6:30, I'm done. I start counting down the time until Logan goes to bed. And after that I usually sit in bed with my laptop, and relax until I can fall asleep. After the kids go to sleep(in our bed) if Rob, or I happen to still be awake, which is rare. He will start with the "Lets go to the couch and "snuggle" Yeah, real subtle. And I think to myself, "Seriously? I'm nice and comfortable, and you want me to get up, and go to the couch to "snuggle" with you? Are you high? Then we argue a little. Apparently I'm not attracted to him anymore, or I have "issues" Or my fave "Why can't we have sex like we did when we first moved in together?" Well, maybe because we didn't have any fucking kids! And nobody sleeping in our bed or keeping us, and by us i mean ME up half the night. Good enough reason for ya?! Guys really are dense sometimes...

I love my husband. But, I am tired. Like, tired in my bones. I don't get enough sleep, I am stressed to the limit, I am struggling with PPD which is just the icing on the cake. I have been telling myself lately that maybe we should like make a sex calendar? I'm not sure if people do this or not, but I almost feel like we have sex more often when we plan it, as lame as that sounds. I guess I just wonder if there are women out there who are able to deal with the kids all day, or do anything all day, spend time with their family in the evening, and still find time to bang their husbands regularly? If you are out there....you are my hero.  

Men are from Mars...

So, since the only topic request I got was men, and sex....here we go.

Now, I'm not going to talk about sex, this is a public blog, and I'm pretty sure my husband would not appreciate me divulging private details...or any details, which I've learnt lately;) But men, that's a different story. Sometimes I think they really are from a different planet!

I'm going to take this time to rant about some things my husband does, tat have me shaking my head.
Doing Dishes
He very rarely loads, or unloads the dishwasher, but when he does....I honestly don't even know what to say. He will stick the dishes anywhere, and everywhere. Plates on top of bowls, on top of plates. Yup, sounds about right. I really love it when I open up a cupboard, and have to scramble to make sure no dishes fall on me. His response when I comment on it? "Well, I just put them where it makes sense to me." Um, okay? I have realized lately that delegating around here is impossible. I really don't consider myself a control freak, but his version of "cleaning the house" and mine, differ greatly...like a lot.
Folding clothes
If you ask most people, the most hated household job is folding and putting away laundry. I know it's mine. So, I'm always happy when Rob offers to take care of it. Until I open my dresser drawers. Ten I remember why it is that I would rather do my most hated job myself than have my husband do it. The "folding" if you can call it that, is ridiculous! Most everything is not folded, it's just layed neatly out straight. And, you know how sometimes stuff gets washed inside out, either because you're supposed to, or because it doesn't get changed after it is taken off? Well, Rob feels that if it's inside out when it comes out of the dryer, that's how it will stay. Really?? So folding clothes, as much as I hate it, is something that I do myself now.
The Kids
Now I know Rob loves his kids, more than anything. But, getting him to watch them while I go out, is impossible. Well, I shouldn't say that. He will keep Ciena and Joel, but he still refuses to watch Logan! I mean, I understood, when Logan was really colicky, and he pretty much just screamed constantly. I didn't appreciate it...but I understood. But even now, he won't watch him while I go anywhere. Even if I tell him that I'll send Ciena and Joel to my mom's, or my gram's. But still nope. Logan is like the easiest baby now. He sleeps wonderfully, if you swaddle him, and turn his white noise on and lay him in his crib, he's out like a light. Same with bedtime. Not to mention I would never leave the kids with him for any longer than a couple of hours. It's just really frustrating to me, that I am here with the kids 24/7, and if I want to go out, I still have to take them. I never get a break! My mom works shiftwork, so during the week, it is almost impossible to find a babysitter, especially since my mom, and my grandparents are pretty much the only people I trust to watch my kids.
Snoring
There is really nothing I can say about Rob's snoring, except Holy Eff! I try to fall asleep before Rob every night. Because if I don't, then I don't sleep. His snoring is out.of.control. He has a cpap machine. But getting him to use it, is like pulling teeth. Some nights it isn't a problem. He gets into bed, puts his mask on, and there is no fighting. But most nights are pretty ridiculous. He falls asleep, then commence the snoring. I wake him up and tell him to put it on. He then sleepily says, "okay" 2 seconds later the snoring starts again. I again wake him up, and tell him to put it on. He gets agitated, and says "I am!" Then the snoring starts again! This is when I start to get a little pissy. And it pretty much goes from there, with us arguing about the damn machine. I threaten to smother him, he ignores me. And by that time I suspect that Rob is not putting the mask on just to spite me. Finally I give up, and try to sleep through it.

There are a ton more things I could write about when it comes to men, more namely, my husband. But, I think I've bored you enough for one day;)

They're back:(

Logan's episodes that is. I am so frustrated,stressed,scared....you name it. A few weeks ago I was rocking Logan in the stroller, and I noticed that every time I pulled the stroller towards me he would have a small one. You almost wouldn't even notice it, if you weren't aware of them. I thought it was a fluke, and forgot about it. Well today was bad. I was getting ready to have a shower this morning, and I picked up Logan's bouncy seat(with him in it) and proceeded to carry him into the bathroom, something I do almost everyday. Well this time he had a few really bad episodes as soon as I started to walk with him. I put him down, and he calmed down.

I'm so lost right now. All day long he has been having them, and the weird thing is, they seem to be more prominent when he is rocked/pushed/pulled/lifted. It seems like they are related to motion. He has been on reflux meds for months, and the pedi was adamant that it was all related to the reflux/sandifers syndrome. And I agreed after they stopped cold after the meds were started. Rob brought up the fact that we  had started Logan on Soy formula per the ER pedi's request, to see if his wheeziness was due to a milk allergy/intolerance. He was on the soy for a total of 4 days, he hated it! Like, I almost had to force feed him every feeding. And even then he was drinking a fraction of what he normally drinks. So Rob suggested to me that maybe the episodes were happening because of the switch? I think both of us are kind of thinking of any possible reason, because the thought that there may not be a reason is stressing us...well, me, out.

I hate this. I hate this worry, it consumes my everyday, all day. All I do is worry about the kids, and while I know that's normal, I feel like the amount that I worry is over the top. It seems like it's all I think about. I imagine scenarios in my head where the kids are in harms way, or the kids are sick, or the kids are scared...I could go on. I hate the fact that my brain just goes into overdrive, and runs away with me. Coming off the heels of a week filled with an ear infection, croup, a baby who cannot sleep because his cough keeps him up. I need a break, and I feel like I'm whining, and I feel guilty because I know that there are parents who are dealing with things that I couldn't even imagine. And then I cry, and cry, and cry. Because the thought of that sends my anxiety through the roof. I feel like I'm drowning under all the worry, and stress. I would just love for one day that I could relax, and not feel the heaviness in my chest thinking about what could possibly be wrong with my kids:(

Reminiscing...

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my childhood. Well, actually, my family. Immediate, and extended. Growing up, and holidays, and summers, and just family.

My brother and I spent a ton of time at my great-grandma's house. Now, when I say great grandma, I'm sure you think OLD. But, my great grandma was only 56 when I was born. She was definitely not a feeble old lady by any means. And spending time at her, and my great-grandpa's house was my favourite thing ever.

Christmases, birthdays, and every holiday in between were spent at her house. There were a lot of us...in adults alone there were at least 12, depending on who else stopped by. And kids, so many kids. Just grand kids alone, there were 10 of us, but other relatives and friends were inevitable for most holidays, and that would jump the number of kids up considerably. I smile to myself when I think of the little card table that would be set up in my grandma's living room. Before and after dinner, it was a euchre table. Gene, a close family friend whom we all just think of as family, would be leading the game. And he would usually have to stop playing to start an impromptu euchre lesson, because some of the older kids wanted to play too. And he would, patient as ever, explain it again and again, until they finally got it. At dinnertime, that card table was transformed into the "kids table" that's where we ate, and we preferred it that way. Where us cousins could talk, and not have grown ups listening over our shoulders.

The basement. Aaah, the basement. My grandma had the best basement...well, as far as basements go;) All of us kids spent most of our time down there, when we weren't outside. There was a little t.v that only got 2 stations, a fold out couch, that was turned into a pretty awesome wrestling ring, a bar...yep. A bar. We played bar pretty often, I have to say. And the basement was huge!! And I'm pretty sure it was soundproof.....all the adults liked us playing down there. We would turn the room into a hockey rink, and take shots at each other, we would wrestle, and we broke shit. Namely, one of the ceiling panels. We somehow broke it with a broom. But we used a piece of cardboard to kind of fashion it back together. We broke a hole right in the wall. Apparently 6 kids rocking really fast in a rocking armchair will go through the wall. Who knew? We destroyed that basement weekend after weekend. And then we would get the lecture that we never cleaned up after ourselves, so we were no longer allowed down there. But that quickly was reversed once the noise level of 8 kids got horrific.

We had fun, all the time fun. I spent entire summers there, all of my best childhood memories are there. I almost cannot believe all the people that are gone now, Great grandma, my great grandpa, grandma Sharon(dads mom), papa Chuck, Uncle Rick, Vi(Gene's wife), and our family hasn't really been the same since. In the span of 3 years, we lost 4 people. I think it broke us. The house, that house we all had so many amazing memories in, belongs to somebody else now. Our family, and extended family split between distance, and life is not the same. I long for those days. I long for my kids to know what it's like to have so many people around for Christmas dinner that you can't hear anything...but you love it. I want them to get excited, and giddy in anticipation of seeing everyone. Because that's how I always felt.

Those days feel like they are so long ago, but I am determined to get them back. 

3 kids=Tired(mommy, not kids...kids never get tired)

I'm tapped out. For real.

I have been so exhausted lately, and yet come bedtime I twitter/pin/facebook wayy too long. Thankfully Logan sleeps pretty well, or else I don't know what I'd do.

There is always something going on. 3 kids is really a lot more insane than I thought it would be. I mean, not in a normal "holy shit! Having 3 kids is insane!" type of way, but more of a "When do I ever get a chance to sit down and relax." Type of way. To put it in plain English...they have a lot of shit going on. I mean Dr. appts alone are all.the.time. And that's not even factoring in trips to the walk-in if they get sick all of a sudden. Logan has well baby checks every 2 months. And with his reflux/wheeziness, he is seriously averaging on at least one appt every 2.5 weeks. Ciena has soccer every Monday and Wednesday, which will be finished next week thankfully! Then she has swimming lessons every Monday, and Joel has swimming lessons every Thursday. That's almost a week of obligations these kids have. They really have more of a life than I do;)

Shopping trips. Not that I necessarily have to take them to get whatever we need with me, but I usually do because Rob generally doesn't get home until dinnertime. And by then I just don't feel like doing anything but locking myself in the bathroom, pretending to poop while Rob occupies the kids, and I have a chance to recharge. Yes, I have to pretend to poop to get a moment to myself, pretty glam huh?! Anyways, shopping trips can easily fill the 2 days a week that we have free. We run out of the staples so quickly. So we always need to run to the store for something. Now most of the time I regret bringing the kids the moment we step through the doors. "Can we look at the toys? Do they have lobsters here? Can we get a cookie from the bakery?" And then, if I'm really lucky, one of them will have a meltdown over something, and I get to show off my mad pushing a stroller, while holding a screaming child and holding another child's hand, skills. It's crazy fun! Then just for shits and giggles, sometimes the toddler decides he's done, and flops down in the middle of the parking lot, forcing me to look like the best mom ever by half dragging him to the van wile I pray the wind doesn't pick up and carry the stroller away. Shopping trips with kids are a blast, said no one ever...

Then I get home. And the place is a mess. And that's when it hits me that I really should have cleaned it when I first got up, because now it just feels overwhelming, and I don't wanna! And some days I don't. I mean really, the kids just destroy it minutes later anyways.  So by the end of the day I am just tired. Like mentally/physically/emotionally....you name it, I'm just tired. But yet, it's 10:32, and I'm blogging. Having 3 kids is exhausting. Did I mention that?

I hope everyone still likes big butts, and guts...and well everything:/

So, this post isn't so much about the kiddos. I mean in a roundabout way it is, but I need to get real for a second. I am overweight, according to my BMI I'm actually obese:(

I have struggled with my weight forever. Starting in my teenage years, thinking I was "fat" although looking back now, I realize how silly that was. I remember in the months before I got pregnant with Ciena. I had been working at a restaurant for over a year, so I had gained some weight. I'm sure anyone that has worked at a restaurant can attest to the weight gain that inevitably happens when you are surrounded by food all day.

I felt bad about myself, I wanted to lose a few pounds, which at that time was pretty easy. I joined a work biggest loser competition, and bam! Lost 5 pounds. I remember looking at myself from the side, and wanting to cry seeing my "gut" hang out. Yeah, it certainly was NOT a gut, but what can I say? I was young, and stupid.

You have a baby and all sorts of science fiction shit happens to your body. I kind of suspected that I wouldn't be one of those girls that got right back into my old body after I gave birth. And I was right. For quite a while, I was pretty clueless about my size. You know how you always think you look worse than you actually do? Well, I had the exact opposite problem. I thought I looked great! I mean, I had a bit of a tummy, but I fit into my old pants. So no problem right?! Wrong! I saw pics of myself, and it all hit me. I was fat. I didn't want to be like I was. But it wasn't until Rob and I talked about having another baby that I knew something had to be done. I had seen tons of commercials for L.A. Weight loss. I looked them up and made an appt. Long story short $800 later I had joined with the cheapest program they had. Bless my husband, since i put him on the spot with a phone call asking if I could join. He agreed.

It was easier than I thought it would be. I had a week of detoxing, in which I lost 6lbs! Definitely a motivator. Then I had a plan tailored to me. All in all I lost 31 lbs before getting pregnant.......then I miscarried. Now without turning this into a sobfest, I will just say that is was pretty much the suckiest time of my life. I was broken. I had gained 7 pounds in the 11 weeks that I was pregnant, but I put on much more in the months that followed, which also included another miscarriage. By the time I got pregnant with Joel I had gained all of the weight back, plus some. But he was a sticky baby, so I didn't care.

Fast forward 2 more years, and another baby. And I'm fat. And for some reason, I have zero motivation. I start out everyday with the best of intentions. But then I'll have a bad day that either prevents me from eating even remotely healthy, because I don't have the time. Or my fat girl logic will tell me "eat the rest of that ::insertunhealthyfoodhere:: that way it won't be there to tempt you tomorrow." Then I'll tell myself that I might as well go balls to the wall because I've already ruined my diet for the day anyway. It's a vicious cycle. And I desperately need to break it. I need to get healthy, for my kids, for my health, for my peace of mind. I struggle with eating right, I struggle with exercise, I struggle with thoughts of hating myself because just thinking about my kids should give me he push to get healthy and fit.....but it doesn't.

I definitely welcome any and all advice/motivation/chants of "you can do this" Because shit is getting real. The scale is going up, instead of down. And I deserve to feel good about myself.

"But mommy, I love him."

I've come to the conclusion that my babies are growing up way too fast. I know that's something that people say all the time, but I never thought it would feel this way. Like time is in fast forward, and all I can do is watch everything speed by.

Ciena is starting to really become a little lady, although I use that term loosely;) She cares about her appearance, having her hair neat, and clothes that match are important to her. She paints her nails, wears lip gloss....I could go on. It's amazing to me, I mean, I remember when I was 6. Um, yeah. I certainly couldn't be bothered with brushing my hair, and lip gloss, and nail polish probably would have ended up all over the walls.
She is so smart, she loves school, and she loves learning and challenging herself. She has so much more confidence in herself than I ever did. I love that.
She is in love. *sigh* Justin Bieber, I know, I know. She's 6!! 6 years old and already having celebrity crushes? I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to hear my 6 year old talk about marrying some pretty boy pop tart. Or to hear her say  "But mommy, I love him." Noooooo!

Joely, what a kid. The potty trained thing still blows my mind, seriously right when I thought we were never going to accomplish it. Bam! He got it, and we haven't looked back.
He is so smart. I know, right?! My kids are geniuses y'all! He can count to almost 30, he can identify quite a few numbers, and letters, and he can work my phone almost as well as me!
Listening to him talk is so much fun. Toddler logic is pretty hilarious. He just has so much to say, and he is not afraid to say what needs to be said. I just love this age, when they start to transform into this little complex person. With opinions, and strong likes and dislikes.
He loves to snuggle. At night, in bed, he simply cannot fall asleep unless he is in the crook of my arm, and holding my hand. I'm sure sometime soon that will have to change....but for right now, I'm pretty alright with it.

Logan. Well, he's only 5 1/2 months old, so it REALLY seems like he's growing too fast.
He watches everything around him. Like, intently. Like he's trying to figure everything out. He is very aware of everything, the sound of a familiar voice will make him turn his entire body towards it.
He definitely recognizes people. Tonight my mom came through the door, and as soon as her heard her voice, he got very excited, and craned his body to get her in his sights. When daddy comes through the door at the end of the day, the squealing, and smiles make us laugh. He loves his daddy.

I love these kids so much. Nobody prepares you for that kind of love. The "do anything for you" kind of love. It's breathtaking. I have been a little down lately. I have went back and forth on the thought of having another baby(not anytime soon) I really don't feel "done" but I think about another pregnancy, and worrying myself silly for another 9 months. I think about gaining more weight, when it's been all I can do to take of the weight from these pregnancies. I think about a 4th c-section, and whether or not my body could handle it. And I also think about the worrying that I go through daily with these 3. It's never ending, time consuming, bite your tongue, hold your breath, is she warm? Is he wheezy? Don't fall! Don't jump! Don't run! And I wonder if I would ever be capable of doing it all again? I guess only time will tell if it will happen or not. I think as of right now we're 90% sure we're done, but it's that 10% that tears at my heart.

I'm baaaack!

Wow,  I am a terrible blogger! I told myself to make it a priority to write a blog post at least once every few days. Fail! But I'm back, and I promise I won't leave you again. And by "you" I mean the one person that actually reads my posts;)

First off, Logan. Doing so great! The pedi put him on Nexium for reflux, and believe it or not, he hasn't had a single episode since! He is such a happy little guy now too. Things are definitely a lot brighter than they were a few months ago. He is a little over 5 months. I keep expecting to see teeth any day with all the drool, and chewing of fingers, and general crankiness. But nada. He is huge! Like over 20lbs! The really hilarious thing? He and Joel can wear the same sized clothing. Ha! Crazy, I know! He hasn't rolled yet, but I presume that's due to his size;) He does try to roll back to front, and he's almost there. He's not even close with front to back, but he still hates tummy time with a passion, so that could be why. He's really not that close to sitting unassisted either. We try frequently, but no dice yet. All in all, he is such a joy. The amazing little person he has developed into was definitely worth the first 3 months of Hell!

Ciena has been in soccer for over a month now, she loves it! It's amazing to see how far all the kids on her team have come since starting. And who knew soccer was so interesting? But I am totally that mom that is on the sidelines cheering team orange on! Also, she started swimming lessons this week. The first lesson was a little trying. She did not even want to get into the water, and when she finally did, she wouldn't move from the ladder. Rob finally climbed in to coax her off, but was kindly told to get out by another lifeguard. Apparently parents have to stay back, and are not allowed in the water. Ooops! But, the lifeguard turned out to be really awesome. She was super friendly, and just authoritative enough to not only get Ciena off the ladder, but actually get her to do the exercises she was supposed to be doing. And Ciena is actually looking forward to next weeks lesson! My little girl is off to grade one in the fall. I don't know where the time went, but I want it back:( She is growing up so fast, it's unbelievable.

Joel. Hmm, what to say about Joel? He is the smartest, sweetest, most wonderful little guy I could have ever asked for. He will randomly come up to me, and ask for a hug. Or tell me; "I love you so much mommy" He is fully potty trained!! And the most amazing part, is that it only took a couple of months. And, just when I thought he was NEVER going to get it....it happened. It was like a switch flipped. He still isn't ready to be in underwear during the night, especially since he sleeps in our bed;) But, he has been accident free for over a month! But, on the other hand he is giving us some trouble.  He can be somewhat of a meanie. He regularly gets sent to time-out for Pulling hair/pinching/hitting....etc. I feel like all he and Ciena do all day is fight. And he has even started pinching, and hitting Logan:/ He really doesn't seem to be doing it maliciously, just playfully. But he seems to forget that he is quite a bit bigger than Logan. terrible twos, aren't they great!

Rob and I are doing much better. He is taking a more active role with Logan, which makes me really happy. We are trying to be a more united front when it comes to the kiddos, and we genuinely just seem to enjoy each others company....most of the time;) To sum things up, life is pretty rad right now!