Friday, 30 March 2012

Babyproofing your marriage

So, I was hesitant to post this. Since my blog is public, and anyone can read it, I didn't want anyone, and everyone to be privy to every little thing going on in my life. But, then i realized that
1)It may help someone realize that they are not alone
2)Like 2 people read my blog:)

So, here it is. My marriage is going through a rough patch right now. More rough than it has ever been before. I'm scared. I definitely feel that Rob and I can work through anything that life throws at us, but it's hard right now. Adding a baby to your marriage is difficult. Obviously, our biggest adjustment was right after Ciena was born. You have to acclimate yourselves to your "new normal" Late nights, early mornings, you never have enough time to do anything, and if you're to tired anyways. But, after a few months life starts to run smoothly again, and eventually you sort of look at each other and say "We made it!" I would love to say that after the first kid, the rest is cake. Well, sorry. Not true. The second one comes along and you have to deal with more sleep deprivation, and even less time for yourselves as individuals, and as a couple. By the time the third comes along, your "new normal" pretty much involves no time as a couple, and even less time for yourself.

I can say that Rob and I have both changed. Time and babies will do that to you. But, I have never felt this feeling before. Rob and I do not communicate properly. He hates to really discuss anything. And prefers to tell me that I am "nattering" at him, when in fact I just want to discuss things. Lately, we have butted heads over the fact that he refuses to watch Logan while I go out anywhere. I wanted to go see a movie with my mom. I arranged for my gram to watch Ciena and Joel. Rob would only have Logan....he flat out refused, said he wouldn't be able to handle it, and that I "didn't need to go anywhere without the baby." Basically he's telling me that I don't deserve any time to myself. Multiple times he has said to me "it doesn't matter to me how many kids we have. You're the one who has to take care of them." Then, he backpedals and says he means that since I'm the one home all day, I'm the one who takes care of them. I continually feel under appreciated, disrespected, and small. I will say that Rob is a great dad. I know he loves our kids, and would do anything for them. But, he really needs a wake up call. Sometimes the things he says to me kind of blow my mind. like: "Maybe if you didn't think you would be able to handle 3 kids, we shouldn't have had Logan." This one broke my heart. I'm sure he didn't intend for it to sound the way it did, but really?  

We have both agreed we need counselling....but childcare is an issue. My mom is the only person i trust to watch the baby, so we need to work around her and Rob's schedules...yeah, good luck on that. I pray every night that none of this is enough to split us up. And I have told Rob multiple times that I believe we can work through anything. I just hope in 6 months we look back at this and laugh, knowing that we made it.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012


I'm not surprised to be going through postpartum depression again. I went through it with Joel, and also had extremely bad postpartum anxiety a well. I prepared myself this time to possibly find myself in that place again. And here I am. Feeling so alone. That is one thing I have noticed about depression of any kind...the loneliness. I feel like nobody understands how I feel, and there is nobody to talk to. I feel like a bad mother, and as I've mentioned before, I feel like I'm failing. I knew having 3 kids would be difficult at times, even during good times. But I didn't know it would be this difficult.

Logan cries. He cries for a large portion of the day. Whether it's reflux, or gas, or colic, I have no idea. I just know, it's tough. He likes to be held, and I have a bad back. The 2 don't mix well. By the end of the day I am crying in pain, and ready to sleep for a year. I never considered that i might have a fussy baby. I guess I was so worried about having a baby that slept well was the more important thing. Now I'm not sure which I would prefer. The bad sleeper, or the crier? I snap at my kids a lot. Carrying a crying baby around the house all day, and rocking, and singing, and's all very frustrating. I am so fried, and then I hear them fighting, or being naughty, and I yell. I do not want to be this person. This person who yells at her kids, and has no control over her life. It's a sucky feeling.

Joel does.not.listen. EVER! He is very much in the throws of his terrible twos. He hits/kicks/punches/pinches/pulls hair. Gah! You name it. If he doesn't get his way, something will be thrown at the window, or the t.v. or the wall. And I swear he i a one man wrecking crew. He will destroy a room in 5 seconds flat. And I could probably handle all of that, if it weren't for the fussy baby too. I can't juggle.

Logan's "episodes" still there, still all I think about. We have no idea what they are. There are many theories, but nothing solid. The EEG is still a few weeks away. But the stress is eating away at me. I am so worried about my sweet boy that i try not to even think about the possibilities. All of these things compounded led me into my doctor office in tears. I am sad, I feel helpless, I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I can't think...I am fighting my way back out. Hopefully very soon I'll feel like my old self.

Monday, 19 March 2012

I need answers...

I feel so defeated. Friday was such a horrible day, when I think about it too much I feel sick.
When Rob got home from work, we decided to all go into town because we needed a few things. Well, we ere just about to leave when Logan started having his episodes.....bad. I have never seen them this bad. They were so terrible that I almost called an ambulance. I probably would have, except the ambulance would have taken me to the hospital that I refuse to go to. I literally sat in front of Logan, and watched him for almost an hour, he was having the episodes off and on the entire time. Finally, I told Rob to go to town to get what we needed, and to take ciena and Joel. I decided I was taking Logan to the ER.

Luckily I was able to get a pretty decent video of Logan, that I was able to the show the pedi on call. My poor baby was poked and prodded, and I jut felt so helpless. Finally the pedi told me that she believed, based on the video and my description of it that it was shuddering syndrome. Basically tremors, that are pretty common in babies. She had us stay the night to monitor him while he slept. She said she wanted to make sure he didn't have any while he was sleeping. He did not. She said to keep his EEG appt for the 4th, and we would know or sure then if it was a serious seizure disorder or not.

I'm so scared. I trust the pedi 100%. But after reading about shuddering, and watching numerous youtube videos of it.....I'm not convinced. What I saw him do looked like a seizure. Mainly what he did with his eyes, it did not just look like tremors to me. She was going to do a brain ultrasound, and a head CT, but she said that after watching him, and interacting with him she doesn't see the need because he is so smart. He is doing great developmentally, and in fact she thinks he's advanced. And socially, he is developing fine too. She also said that during the episodes he seems very "with it" like he is aware, and knows what is going on. She said that during seizures most of the time it will make you very lethargic, and he does not act like that.

Please pray. Pray that the EEG does not show anything concerning. Pray that the episodes stop altogether, and please pray for me. I feel like a failure, incredibly helpless, ans small. My baby has something serious going on, and I just can't help him. That is the worst feeling. Please just keep us in your thoughts, this will be a long few weeks:(

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Lazy Sundays

Where you have absolutely nothing better to do than, play video games

Pose for mommy's incessant picture taking

And nap.....

We had a great day.....God, I love these kids<3

Saturday, 10 March 2012


This is how I feel. Like I'm failing. Failing at being a mom, at being a wife, at everything. I'm not even sure I know where to start. 

I have a baby that is pretty fussy, and like to be held I swear, I can pick him up and he will fall fast asleep, I can hold him for 20 minutes until I'm certain he is in a deep sleep. But I lay him down, and he screams! Because of this, I have no hands, or time to do...well, anything. I would love to be able to sit down and finish a meal. Hell, some days I don't eat at all until 8:00pm, and yet I am not losing any weight. Having a fussy baby is so overwhelming...I hate sounding so whiny, but I literally feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown every single day.

I can't get housework done. And I know a lot of people say, "oh the housework can wait." I wish I was okay with that sentiment. It really makes my skin crawl looking around the house, and seeing a mess. Rob does help when he comes home from work. But, he definitely doesn't do anything the way I would do it. And that's a problem for me;)  The way he loads and unloads the dishwasher drives me nuts!!! I mean, he gets things out of the cupboard, how does he still not know where everything goes? The last thing I want is to open the cupboard and have plates and bowl falls on me because he has stacked bowls on top of plates, on top of bowls....seriously?! I guess I just feel like less of a wife, and mom if I can't stay on top of the simplest tasks. I'm home all day, and Rob still comes home to a messy house, and dinner isn't ready. Yes, I want to be that wife.

I yell...a lot. I am so frustrated, and stressed out because of Logan's fussiness, that my kids gt the brunt of it. I feel like I yell all the time and I don't like it. It's not their fault that Logan is crying, it's not their fault that I'm stressed, it's not their fault that I feel the way I do. I don't want this to be the childhood they remember. A mommy that had no time for them, and yelled all the time. I just want to feel somewhat put together. I want to be able to shower, I want to be able to enjoy this stage of my kid's lives. I just want to feel better...

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

The verdict....Reflux!!

So, I took Logan into the pedi today. I wanted to show him the video that I took of Logan's episode. The instant he saw it he said "It's not seizures." Thank you God!! I was never so happy to hear something. He told me that he believes it is most likely due to reflux, but due to the fact that the episodes only lasted a few seconds, and he didn't really have a lot of other symptoms, he didn't think anything needed to be done about it right now.  He said to keep the EEG appointment in April, but that he would be surprised if it came back abnormal.

Then he weighed him.....13lbs6oz!!! I was told that he is overweight, and pretty much right on the cusp of being obese. I have been feeling for a while that the amount he has been eating seems like a ton. 6oz every 3 hours. He told me to cut down his feedings, and we would see what happens. But then I was informed that sometimes babies with reflux tend to eat more at a time, and more often to ease the pain they are having. So I'm not sure if I should just wait it out and see how he does eating less. We started this afternoon, he had 5 oz instead of 6 for his last 2 feedings. And i have already noticed that he is a little more fussy, and he won't settle right now. Usually he is fine to go to bed between 7:30 and 8, and then doesn't wake up to eat until 4:30am or so. I'm just torn. I know i was told to cut his feedings down, but what if he just genuinely seems hungry? Then what? Do I distract him? Try the pacifier? Or feed him, even though he's suppose to be eating less. I just don't want to feel like I'm starving him!

Monday, 5 March 2012

Having a "woe is me" day.

I don't know what it is. I'm struggling. It may be sleep deprivation, possibly the stress of day in day out with 3 kids, or maybe it's PPD/PPA sneaking back up on me? Either way, I don't like feeling this way. I got irrationally upset about something today, and I can't seem to let it go.
is always
In December Rob quit Waxman, and started working for the city of Hamilton. He has a pretty bad back problem, and the work that he was doing, coupled with some other things gave him the push to make the decision to make a change. The only problem? He is only employed with the city until April 12th. He was hired on for winter work, and that's when it ends. He has been working Saturdays driving truck for a guy, and tonight he told me that this guy would like to employ him full time. And while I should be thrilled....I just can't get there. He works Saturdays for this guy right now, and he is never home before 7:30 at night. Around that time, the kids are out of the bath, and getting ready for bed. I just keep thinking about my husband leaving in the morning at 5, and not getting home until 7:30, just in time to kiss his kids good night:( This is tearing me up.

Anytime I try to talk to him about it, he doesn't really listen to me. He mostly talks over me about me understanding why he needs to do this, and about the fact that he is doing this so that I can be home with the kids. And at the end of our "conversation" I end up feeling super guilty, and no better than before we started talking. I just can't get it out of my head that by the time he gets home every night me, and his kids will be headed to bed. He is going to miss so much. Logan changes so much everyday, Joel is learning something new all the time, Ciena is in school so she  is always learning something new. I miss my husband. we never spend any time alone, and now I might see him a few hours here and a few hours there. This just sucks!

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Date night.....what's that?

So, as I scroll through my Facebook news feed on the weekends, I see a lot of posts about "date night" Apparently this is a phenomenon in which parents leave their children with a babysitter or trusted family member, and go out together...alone. I know, I thought it was weird too;) These parents presumably go out for dinner, or to the movies, or maybe they just make out in the backseat like horny teenagers like the "good old days" Either way, they are out of the house, together, without having to shout over children.

It made me think of the last date night that Rob and I had. And sadly, I just can't remember. And it 's not because we have nobody to watch the kids, we have tons of people that would do that. Maybe we're just lazy, or just don't care. Except that I do. I mentioned to Rob a while ago that I would love for us to go out together, and do something just once a month. It doesn't seem crazy or unreasonable to do that, does it? He pretty much dismissed it, and told me all I ever want to do is spend money. Yeah, because going to dinner once a month will make or break us...okay. The way I see it, it's like an investment. We're investing in our marriage, and possibly my sanity. I spend all day every day cooped up all day with three kids. To say that I would like to get out every once in a while would be an understatement. My husband and I haven't been out alone together since before Joel was born. That's over two years!! We really need some time alone together just to talk, we never get to just talk to each other. Mostly because we're too tired, and/or it's not worth it to have to shout to be heard, or get interrupted 20 billion times by the kids.

Our five year wedding anniversary is coming up in September, I really want to do something special. If anyone has any ideas (if anyone actually reads this blog. lol) let me know. I'm open to suggestions, and I have some time to think about what we should do.

Saturday, 3 March 2012

So dieting pretty much sucks!

I decided this week to get serious about the diet. It has been six weeks since I had Logan, I need to start getting healthy again. I think I've done alright this week so far. I got quite a few great recipes from and i managed to make something new every night this week! I've been drinking lots of water, and trying to be somewhat active during the day. I'm trying to stay motivated by remembering that i want my breast reduction, but I have to get my weight down first. I actually haven't been struggling as much as I thought I would. Until today.

Aunt Flo decided to make her grand re-entrance.....and now I want to eat a bread factory, and I would like to marry a chocolate cake. Hopefully the weigh in on Monday isn't too brutal! 

Friday, 2 March 2012

what did I do on Friday nights before kids??

I honestly cannot remember. I mean, it's possible we went out for dinner, I know I worked a lot of Friday nights. But I can almost guarantee that I was not in bed at 7:30! I just realized how early I went to bed when Logan woke me up to eat just now. I looked at the clock...9:44pm. I took a second to think about that, because it really does feel much later. But then I remembered that I was in bed shortly after 7. Man I'm lame! I loath you.

I am really amazed at how tired I feel every morning. I swear I wake up and think, "I have never felt so tired in my life." Then the next day comes, and I realise I was wrong.
I keep hoping that sometime soon Logan will sleep longer than 3 hours at a time during the night. Even though I know I should thank my lucky stars that he sleeps that long. And he really is a dream to get back to sleep too. The odd night(last night) he just won't sleep in between feedings. He just wouldn't settle. That accompanied with the fact that we had a toddler crowding our bed for some reason, makes for a pretty tired mommy.

I feel so unaccomplished lately. I mean, there are days where I feel like supermom. I get the housework done, I keep the kids from killing each other, and manage to throw something together for dinner. But more often than not, I feel like I fail at motherhood. The baby cries all day, Ciena, and Joel fight all day long, the house is a disaster, and there's simply nothing I can do about that. Those days suck! I hate living in chaos, it makes me feel panicky, almost like something i wrong...I just don't know what. This week has been even worse because our washer broke. Rob keeps saying that he will take a look at it and see if it's an easy fix. I hope it is, or at least a cheap fix, because a new washer is really not in the budget right now. But the laundry is piling up, so something needs to be done or I'll be headed to mama's with all the laundry this weekend. Actually, that's not a bad idea. Maybe I could get her to fold everything;)

Thursday, 1 March 2012

Logan's episodes

So, about 3 weeks ago Logan was in his car seat and he did something weird. He kind of threw his hands forward with clenched fists,started grunting, and the whole time his eyes were kind of rolling upward and side to side. I watched him closely, and prayed it was just a normal baby reflex. Then he did it again later in the day, so I started to get more concerned. The next day, he did it again. Only thins time it was way more pronounced, unlike the lat ones that were more subtle. I googled like crazy(bad idea) and started getting really worried about seizures. I decided to take him to the ER that weekend. He got an appointment for an EEG, and we were sent on our way.

Fast forward to today. I had tried to put the episodes out of my mind since he hadn't had any in 3 weeks. But this morning I watched him for 10 minutes while he had half a dozen. Luckily I happened to get a video. Well, all day he has been having these episodes, here and there. And I'm starting to get more concerned. Rob, among other people have been telling me that it could be related to reflux. And while I really hope that is the case, I am just freaked. Ciena had episodes somewhat similar when she was a baby, although hers looked almost like she was dizzy or something. But the whole first year of her life we were in and out of hospitals, subjecting her to all kinds of tests, all for nothing. They couldn't find anything wrong thankfully. But I keep flashing back to that time. The worry, the constant stress.

Rob doesn't seem concerned, and he keeps telling me that I'm overreacting, and I just love to worry, blah blah blah. I hate feeling like this! I have a constant stomach ache, I feel the need to just hover over him and stare. Like right now, he is sleeping, I am exhausted, and I should be sleeping. But I just keep checking on him. I feel like an insane person.

Anyways, here's the video if you want to give me some input. He does it at 5 seconds, and again at 37 seconds. Don't mind the random blurriness at one point, and the lovely spit up at the end.

First post!

So, I'm not entirely sure how you start the first post of a blog. I mean am I suppose to say something witty, or clever? Well, too bad. I am definately not witty, and I'm way too tired to be clever.
I will start by telling you about myself, and why I started this blog.

I am 28 years old, I live in a small town...if you wanna call it that. I have been married to the love of my life for almost 5 years. I have 3 kids: Ciena who is almost 6, Joel who is just over 2, and Logan who is 6 weeks. I'm a pretty simple girl, I love nothing more than curling up on the couch and watching a movie that makes me laugh till I cry. And  right about now I'm hoping that I'm interesting enough for anyone to even want to read my blog at all.

I realized very quickly how fast time goes by when you start having kids. I mean, I seriously wonder how it is possible that I will have a 6 year old  in 3 months?? Really?? And now when I look back, I realize that I can't pinpoint how i felt that first year, or the second one. I remember the milestones, I can tell you the little details. But what I'm missing is the feelings. Having a child is so life changing, and I just can't seem to remember what I felt when I held my daughter for the first time, or when she took her first steps. And that's where the blog comes into play. I want to have someplace that I can ramble on and on about how I feel, about life in general....but mainly motherhood, and all of the horrible, amazing, terrifying, and wonderful things that go along with it.

So thanks for taking this ride with me, and I hope I don't bore you to death.