So, I was hesitant to post this. Since my blog is public, and anyone can read it, I didn't want anyone, and everyone to be privy to every little thing going on in my life. But, then i realized that
1)It may help someone realize that they are not alone
2)Like 2 people read my blog:)
So, here it is. My marriage is going through a rough patch right now. More rough than it has ever been before. I'm scared. I definitely feel that Rob and I can work through anything that life throws at us, but it's hard right now. Adding a baby to your marriage is difficult. Obviously, our biggest adjustment was right after Ciena was born. You have to acclimate yourselves to your "new normal" Late nights, early mornings, you never have enough time to do anything, and if you do....you're to tired anyways. But, after a few months life starts to run smoothly again, and eventually you sort of look at each other and say "We made it!" I would love to say that after the first kid, the rest is cake. Well, sorry. Not true. The second one comes along and you have to deal with more sleep deprivation, and even less time for yourselves as individuals, and as a couple. By the time the third comes along, your "new normal" pretty much involves no time as a couple, and even less time for yourself.
I can say that Rob and I have both changed. Time and babies will do that to you. But, I have never felt this feeling before. Rob and I do not communicate properly. He hates to really discuss anything. And prefers to tell me that I am "nattering" at him, when in fact I just want to discuss things. Lately, we have butted heads over the fact that he refuses to watch Logan while I go out anywhere. I wanted to go see a movie with my mom. I arranged for my gram to watch Ciena and Joel. Rob would only have Logan....he flat out refused, said he wouldn't be able to handle it, and that I "didn't need to go anywhere without the baby." Basically he's telling me that I don't deserve any time to myself. Multiple times he has said to me "it doesn't matter to me how many kids we have. You're the one who has to take care of them." Then, he backpedals and says he means that since I'm the one home all day, I'm the one who takes care of them. I continually feel under appreciated, disrespected, and small. I will say that Rob is a great dad. I know he loves our kids, and would do anything for them. But, he really needs a wake up call. Sometimes the things he says to me kind of blow my mind. like: "Maybe if you didn't think you would be able to handle 3 kids, we shouldn't have had Logan." This one broke my heart. I'm sure he didn't intend for it to sound the way it did, but really?
We have both agreed we need counselling....but childcare is an issue. My mom is the only person i trust to watch the baby, so we need to work around her and Rob's schedules...yeah, good luck on that. I pray every night that none of this is enough to split us up. And I have told Rob multiple times that I believe we can work through anything. I just hope in 6 months we look back at this and laugh, knowing that we made it.