Hey, friends!
So, I guess there's pretty much only one thing on the forefront of all of our minds, COVID-19. I will admit that in the beginning of this whole thing, I was unsure as to why people were panicking. I mean, we had been told that it was a lot like the flu, which obviously sucks, but nothing to get freaked about. Well, needless to say, I have changed my tune super fucking quick.
Thursday March 12 at around 4:30pm, my co-worker who was getting ready to leave for the night popped her head into our room and told us that she got an alert that all schools were to be closed for 3 weeks. It sent all of us into a frenzy because our centre operates out of a school. So there were a lot of questions. Were we closing? If we remained open what did that mean for our safety and the safety of children and families? That night we went home unsure of what was happening. We had not gotten word that we had to close our doors, my supervisor seemed confident that we would remain open and everything was being blown out of proportion. Oh how quickly things can change in 24 hours. Friday March 13th was a strange day. My co-workers and I were increasingly on edge. We kept seeing virus numbers climb, panic was starting to ensue at grocery stores, parents at our centre wanted definite answers as to whether they had to find alternate childcare for their children come Monday. Let's just say it was a crazy fucking day. The kids must have been able to feel the stress and uncertainty throughout the day because they were bonkers. Like, it really was a very stressful day all around. Fast forward to 3pm, and someone alerted me that our boss's boss had shown up. Right away we knew something was up. And that's when we were all informed that we were on a voluntary layoff for the next 3 weeks. We could file for unemployment, so that was something. But, it's safe to say we were all starting to realize the gravity of this pandemic situation.
We are 10 days into our quarantine (I know, it's not technically a quarantine if you're not sick) and we're all struggling. I spent the first week laid up with a torn rotator cuff, which may not sound too bad, but I can't even explain the pain that I endured from this injury. I have had 3 c-sections, broken ribs, migraines.....none of these even come close to the pain I experienced. I spent the better part of almost 5 days sobbing every time I moved even a little bit. I was unable to dress and undress myself, I couldn't wash my hair, I literally couldn't do anything but sit, and even that hurt like Hell if my arm wasn't propped up at all times. I even slept in my recliner for over a week. I'm happy to report that I'm feeling much better, I'm still having pain, especially when I bend or turn the wrong way but, overall I'm 1000% better than I was 10 days ago. I can even dress and shower myself now, so, yay!
The days seem to be running together in an endless loop. The kind where you feel tired all day and are unsure of what day of the week it is. I recently, like, even a month ago remember whining about not having enough time for myself. :Me time" Well, the irony of this is, I now have all the time in the world to binge Netflix and read and literally just spend time with my husband and kids, and yet I miss work. I miss my co-workers, I miss my toddlers, I miss the boring monotony of what our daily lives used to be, as opposed to what they are now. I'm feeling anxiety that I can't quite explain. The fear of the unknown, I guess. We're hearing that schools now won't be reopening on the 6th, which we all assumed, but that means that my job also hangs in the balance. I've gotten into the routine of staving off my high anxiety throughout the day, but the second night falls, I am paralyzed with fear and anxiety and feelings of intense sadness that I can't make sense of. I tell myself to stay off of social media, but I find my anxiety is worse if I don't know exactly what's going on, so it's somewhat of a double edged sword.
I miss my family and friends. Leading up to the self isolation stuff my best friends and I had 2 really great get togethers. We decided that we needed to make seeing each other more of a priority and managed to make it work twice in a month. And then shit got real super fast. You never know how much you take for granted being able to see your friends and sit across from them and just do normal social shit until you're in the middle of an isolation and the best you have is texting and video chatting. I haven't seen my mom or my grandparents in a week and a half, we've video chatted, but it's not good enough. I worry about my grandparents, with their age and taking their health issues into account, worrying about them consumes a lot of my time. As hard as it is to see right now, I really hope there is a light at the end of this long and lonely tunnel, because this fucking sucks.
I'm trying really hard to remain positive and upbeat for my kids, trying to not project too much of my fears onto them. They (for the most part) are doing well. We started yesterday doing (very little) schoolwork. Like, what amounts to no more than an hour a day, plus reading. I'm definitely not a great teacher, but if this turns into a long drawn out absence from school, I want them to feel confident when they get back. specially Logan, who struggles with school as it is. If I can at least get them reading and even learning some life skills like cooking and cleaning and knife throwing that's a win for me. That way, if shit goes sideways they'll have some skills to help them fend off zombies or psychos. I was just kidding about the knife throwing....kind of. I'll admit, a large part of me is concerned that this isolation/quarantine shit, combined with not having access to supplies and food could lead to something really awful.
I guess I just want all of you to know that, you're not alone. Those of you still having to get up in the morning and go to work (whatever that looks like) thank you. Thank you for keeping this running smoothly and getting goods and services to all of the rest of us. You are appreciated. To the front line workers, you are amazing. I can't imagine the fear that you're feeling every day, the behaviour and attitudes that you may e encountering, the things that you might be witnessing. Just know that we see you and we recognize how awesome you are. To my fellow mental health sufferers, wow. What a week, right?! But, we're still here. We're still fighting this invisible battle that seems to have intensified almost overnight. Be gentle with yourselves. If the best you can do is laying in bed all day, then that's good enough. This is kind of a new normal for a lot of us right now. Allow yourself to find joy and comfort in whatever you can right now. Whether it's playing video games, taking short walks, snuggling a pet, or just living in the uncertainty that so many of us are feeling right now. We're truly in this together and we will come out of the other side of this sooner or later. Stay safe and healthy, my friends.
