Tuesday, 30 April 2013

You know what really grinds my gears??

Sorry I'm a day late, I fell asleep at like 7:30 last night...

Anyways, this week, celebrity edition!!

Kim Kardashian- Alright, so Kim K, famous for nothing, right? I mean, she has a sex tape, and a terrible reality show, but neither of them are any good. Although I will admit, that seeing Kim cry on screen is pretty amusing.
Awesome, right!

She married a complete douchebag, I mean, how she didn't realize what an asshole he was before her 10 million dollar wedding, that lasted 72 days, I'll never understand. So, now she is pregnant. And her stylist is apparently taking a 9 month long smoke break. Holy hell, Kim, you look terrible. You need a maternity bra....STAT! And you pretty much need to burn anything that looks like this,

You are pregnant!! Maternity clothes suck if you have no fucking money, and have to shop at Walmart, but being pregnant, and a millionaire?! Get yourself some clothes that fit you, and a nice pair of maternity underwear that you can tuck under your boobs. You will feel so much better.

Amanda Bynes- Hmmm, I'm not even sure what to say here. But the phrase "Pulling a Britney comes to mind. I'm sure we all remember the old Amanda, the spunky, funny as hell star.
Aww, so cute. Well, let me bring you up to speed. This is where we are now....
Now, I can totally get behind that statement. But, her various new looks, along with her obsessive, and sometimes incoherent tweets, and it is very apparent that girlfriend is in need of some help. And this is a good example of child stars gone wild.

Gisele- Fuck, where do I start with this one? Gisele is one of the few celebrities that I would love to punch out. Her comments regarding motherhood continue to amaze, and irritate me. Here are a few...

Some people here think they don’t have to breastfeed, and I think, ‘Are you going to give chemical food to your child, when they are so little?’ There should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.”

"I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds."

Well la-di-frickin-da! 

Reese Witherspoon- Now, this is a new one for me. I actually always loved her. But after her husband's DUI, and her insane diva behaviour....my feelings have changed. 

I'm sure a lot of people will say,"people make mistakes!" Yeah, they do. But when your mistake could KILL someone, then I'm sorry, I have no sympathy for you. Not only the fact that they were driving drunk, but, they are millionaires! They can afford a driver to drive them around! I totally get what it's like to be a new parent, you want to go out, blow off some steam. Great, do that. But you have to be really fucking stupid to get behind the wheel after you've been drinking. And then to get all, "Do you even know who I am?!" Yeah, we know. We just don't fucking care.

Monday, 22 April 2013

You know what really grinds my gears??

Tonight is going to be fun. I am doing a mishmash of some of mine, and I'm sure other people's biggest annoyances. Because lists are fun!

-Couples that sit on the same side of the booth. Motherfucking gag! Seriously?? You just can't bear to be separated, even if it's just long enough to choke down a big Mac? Well, let me just say.....you look fucking ridiculous. Like you might as well be on each others lap. What do you think is going to happen if you sit across from one another? Like, I'm honestly asking you this question. Is he going to accidentally have sex with another woman, because you're not velcroed to his side? Is she going to eye up all the seniors enjoying their lunch, get freaked out about spending eternity with you, and bolt? WHAT?! Seriously, stop this shit.

-People who use the bathroom stall right next to yours.  Even when there are like a billion empty ones. Now, I don't need to go into detail why this is annoying. But, it's pretty much the equivalent of when my 3 year old sits on a stool facing me while I try to "do my business" I don't need an audience. I mean, I am in the stall waaaaaaay in the back. Did that not give you any clue? If this is you.....stop it! Do you know how sad it is that I have to poop at the mall just to get some privacy?! Well, you're fucking that up...

-Open this without killing yourself.....I dare you. Why do they make it so hard to open??!! I just want my new memory card!

-Getting "glitterbombed" Now, I realize that glitterbomb is not a real word, but it is now. I have a 6 year old daughter. Do you wanna know what every little girl's birthday card/fancy bag/clothing/and most toys, is covered in? That's right, glitter! Glitter everywhere! I swear, it has been a fucking year since her last birthday party, and there is still glitter everywhere. WTF?! It's a 6 years old's birthday party....not a dirty ass strip club where Ke$ha performs!

-Unexpected company.  am going to swear to you right now, that I am very OCD about the tidiness of my house. But I'm sure there are people who would disagree with me, because they have just happened to show up at my house unexpectedly. Now, not to knock people that do this, I mean, you're in the area, you wanna stop by. Awesome! Just give me a good 15 minutes. Because I guarantee to you, that my house is spotless, until the day when you decide to drop in. That's the day that my kids have succeeded in reducing me to a sweaty, sobbing mess, that just doesn't give a shit that the laundry is everywhere, and the dishes are piling up.  That is the day I am counting down the hours until bedtime....or,it's the weekend. I don't clean on the weekend. ;)

-"No offense" Yeah, well. No offense, but what you just said was fucking offensive.

-Usage of the "R" word, or any other racial/homophobic/all around assholeish slur. Welcome to 2013, we're all equal. Get the fuck over it!

-PEOPLE WHO TYPE EVERYTHING LIKE THIS. Stop yelling,and calm the fuck down.

-This spider in my shower.  No, just no...

-People who call numbers that were on their caller ID....even if they have no idea who it is. This is so strange to me. I often call the wrong number, but don't realize it until it's started ringing, so I hang up in a panic, and carry on. Until 5 minutes later, the phone rings. "Hello?" "Yeah, someone from this number just called here." "Yeah, that was me, I dialed the wrong number." "Alright, bye." What was the point of that??!! Guess what,if they know you, and are actually trying to get a hold of you, they will call back, or leave you a message!

Monday, 15 April 2013

You know what really grinds my gears??

So, unless you're lucky enough to have never had a weight problem, or one of those people with a high metabolism, I'm sure you've been on at least one diet in your life.

If you're as lucky as me, perhaps you've been on the same diet for nearly a decade. Yay for lettuce, and water!

Now,I'm going to lay out a normal day for me....while on a "diet"

5am-wake up

9am-Eat a sensible breakfast, see this is the time of day when I'm still thinking clearly. I'm still all, "Yay for diets! I'm gonna get sooo skinny!"

11am-Hunger starts to plague me. I start thinking of what I can eat while still following my "diet" but my mind keeps wandering. I could eat that all bran bar, which actually is pretty tasty. I could have some raw carrots, an apple....but what I really want, is some meat, and some cheese, and some candy, and some chocolate....you get the drift.

12pm-Still haven't eaten anything. Trying to hold off until 1, when Logan takes his nap. Then I'll have a healthy lunch. I give myself a pep talk, tell myself how awesome I am. But I'm not awesome. I'm really fucking weak, you know why? Because I just ate two twinkies, I told myself that it wouldn't matter. I told myself that they don't count. I'll start fresh with my next meal. But I don't.

1pm-Holy shit, I'm starving!! I'm so hungry in fact, that when Joel asks me to put on a new dvd for him to watch, I get annoyed with how long it takes for the menu screen to come up,so I can press play. Like, really annoyed. I go from cupboard,to cupboard, to fridge, to freezer. Nothing looks good. So what do I do? I eat doritos....for lunch. Great choice, right? And now I hate myself. And, it's at this point that I tell myself that I will start fresh tomorrow. Today, there's no point.

The rest of the day-I pretty much stuff my face,simply because I have justified it by reminding myself that I m starting fresh tomorrow, so the rest of this day doesn't count.

Yeah, I'm really not confused about why I'm still fat. The worst part is, I really want to be able to do this. I want to be the girl from those pinterest ads. You know, the ones who list off the reasons they're strong?! I want that to be me. I really want for people that haven't seen me in a year, to tell me that I look amazing, because I've lost a ton of weight. And I really, really want to be that girl that people just can't believe has had three kids.

I'm trying, well, I'm not really trying, but I want to. I really don't want this to be my story.
I'm trying hard to find some motivation. But on the bright side, if I don't, Rob said he'll tie a steak to the bumper, and I can chase him down the road. Happy Monday!

Friday, 12 April 2013

If I had a million dollars...

Imagine me singing that. Sounds good, doesn't it?

Anyways, in honour of the 649 jackpot tomorrow being a whooping $55 million dollars, I decided to compile a list of things that I would do if I won.....

-Wipe my ass with a $100 bill, just because I could

-Trick out my minivan....totally not kidding

-"Rent" Rebel Wilson for the day

-Disneyworld baby!!

-Move into this house....ASAP!
-Hire a professional photog to follow my kids around all day, taking candid photos

-Hire a professional trainer/cook/stylist

-Hire Justin Timberlake to show up at my house....like this
-Finally buy a flatscreen t.v.....or 10

-Go to college

-Fund some cool, cutting edge research

-Hire someone to come take all of the junk my husband has littered our yard with for 7 years. Yes, even the camper, that's sole purpose is to hold more junk. Take it all!

-Hire a nanny that's only job is dealing with tantrums, and diapers

-Punch Justin Bieber in the face. There's too many reasons to list

-Give my mom enough money to retire....so she has more time to babysit

-Finally make all of my Pinterest boards a reality!!

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Shit my 3 year old did today...

-Picked his nose, and ate his boogers.

-"checked" to make sure his bum was wiped properly....with his finger.

-Ripped our entire newspaper into confetti small pieces,and threw it around the living room

-Kicked his little brother down for touching his chair

-insisted it was an "accident"

-Dumped a bowl of cheerios down his pants

-slammed the bathroom door 5 times after exiting

-Threw pieces of bread onto the floor while shouting "quack quack!"

-Sang this song for 45 minutes, "P is for poop. p p poop!"

-Changed his clothing 3 times,then decided he only wanted to wear underwear

-Told his sister she was a "poop sandwich"

-Hid under the kitchen table for 20 minutes......without telling anyone he was going to hide

-Cried for half an hour because we didn't have any balloons???

-Cried for 10 minutes because he bit his little brother, and then his little brother pulled his hair

-Started throwing toys violently out of the toy box looking for something.

-Halfway through, he forgot what he was looking for

-Ran through through the house screaming happily, while his siblings looked on in confusion

-Put his father's dirty sock in his mouth

-Tore all of the blankets off of my freshly made bed

-Got mad because he was ready for bed,and there were no blankets on the bed

-Fell asleep on the couch, waiting for me to re-make the bed

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Pinterest blows my mind.

I will admit, that the first few months I had pinterest, I was really fucking confused. Like what's the point to this shit? Pins, boards, huh? And now, pinterest has made me it's bitch...

I stay up way too late pinning shit that isn't always of any relevance, or use to me. But, I still feel like I need it saved for later. And I think that's one of the best things about pinterest. It makes you realize just how much better you could have been doing things. Like, for instance, putting your pancake batter in an old ketchup bottle. What?! I mean, admit it, you would have never thought of that, would you? You can be honest. But look at how awesome your pancakes are now! How pissed are you that you are just now finding out about this?! Don't worry, I feel your pain.

Pinterest also makes you feel like a badass mom! Look at these awesome recipes I'm whipping up! "No, no,honey. Don't put baby wipes on the grocery list this week, I'm going to make my own." You know why? Because I'm fucking awesome, and crafty......um, nope. I have an entire board for crafts,and DIY....83 pins. You know how many of those projects I've accomplished? None, zero, zilch. Tonight was actually the first time I browsed all of my DIY pins. I'm sure I pinned them with the best of intentions, but I dropped the ball.

I have gotten into full on arguments with my husband about pinterest. He gets all, "what's the point?" And then I'm all, "What the fuck are you talking about?! Look at all this delicious food I have pinned! Look at this, I'm going to start making my own reusable paper towels! I'll be saving you money!!" We don't even have a fucking sewing machine! And I have a shit ton of projects that involve sewing, which I don't know how to do.

Pinterest is giving me a false sense of my skill level,as a mother/cook/seamstress...I throw the shit in the slow cooker, and bam! Look at me, I am cooking while I do laundry, and wipe asses. Holla! Then I drink some nasty detox drink, because pinterest told me that this was a good way to lose a few pounds, and flush your system out....which it did....ouch. Then I'll stroll over here to where Joel has just spilled some very red juice. That's just fine, reusable paper towels, which are actually just old linens that I tore up, because I cannot sew (remember?) And yeah, that doesn't work so well, but I don't worry about stains, VINEGAR!! Vinegar will clean anything! Vinegar is all purpose, drink it, clean with it, use it to freshen the air. Mmmmm....

By the way, I browsed pinterest the entire time I was writing this...

Monday, 8 April 2013

You know what really grinds my gears??

Isn't he adorable?!
This is Cash. He is our 4 year old Newfoundland. He is 140lbs of pure fucking insanity. For real. He's a pretty good dog, and generally well behaved, and cute. Did I mention cute?? But, he really makes me shake my head, and ask, WTF?

He has an eating disorder. I am pretty sure he would eat all.day.long if he was allowed. Rob usually gets up between 5-6am. And the second that Cash hears Rob stirring, he is up. Generally,he'll go right to Rob's side of the bed, and start whining. And that whining is accompanied by the incessant tail wagging.....which bangs against the wall loud enough to wake Logan. When Rob finally gets out of bed, we all get to listen to Cash lose his everloving mind while Rob gets dressed. Like full on, running around in circles, whining, and freaking out. Sometimes we think that he just has to pee really bad, so we let him outside. That is usually met with crazy barking,and the sound of him pawing his food bowl around the porch. This continues until he is fed. Then, heaven forbid Rob should get home early any night. Cash gets horribly confused. He will literally sit by his bag of food, looking from person to person, and whining because he thinks it's supper time.

He can't do steps. It's either the steps, or the laminate flooring, we're not too sure. We have a step up leading into our living room. Now,it's maybe a foot high. Now, I'm not even exaggerating a little bit when I say,he cannot climb this step without falling on his ass. This is how it starts. We all enter the living room, Cash gets to the step,and just stands there. He is terrified of this step. He will either stand there and stare at us,and whine until Rob helps him, or, if any one of us takes food into the room with us, he will attempt the step himself. And what happens is him falling on his ass just as he brings his back legs up. We try and help him most of the time because we are afraid he's going to really hurt himself.

He smells like mouldy ass. Dog farts are pretty bad, but I think I can safely say, "My dog smells way worse than your dog." I couldn't tell you what makes him smell so bad. He loves garbage, and he eats a lot of it, so that may be a contributing factor. But, this is all I know. We have started putting him outside while we eat dinner. Mainly because his smell was making us all lose our appetites. And for some reason he saved it all, just to let it out while we were eating. Awesome. And this is the best part. Aren't dog farts usually silent? Not Cash. He lets them rip, but that at least gives us time to get him outside, so I guess the warning is nice.

He also has an issue with doorways.Cash is pretty curious. He really is still like a puppy in a lot of ways. So, he likes to explore the house. Very often, he'll wander away, and then a few minutes later I'll hear whining. Then I start searching. And there he is in the bathroom. Now the first few times he did this, I was thoroughly confused. He was just standing there in the doorway. I would stare at him. "What the fuck are you just standing there for?" Then he looked confused.Until I would go in,and push the door completely open,and out he came. Let me say, there was more than enough room for him to get through the doorway, but unless a door is completely open, he just stands there with a dumb look on his face. Although that may just be his normal face.

He barks at everything. "Oh look! Someone is walking past our house, I'm gonna bark!" Oh look! The neighbour dogs are outside, I'm gonna bark!" "Oh look! Someone that I have known forever, and I see all the fucking time just pulled in, I'm gonna bark extra loud and long!" Sometimes this fucking dog barks at the trees, when the wind blows the leaves.....

He's awesome, but he can be a real pain in the ass!

Sunday, 7 April 2013

Happy Birthday, Bitch!

Tomorrow, my best friend turns 28. This post is for her.

When I was 14, I went along with my mom to a family baby shower. I didn't know anyone there, except for my mom,and grandma. We all sat down at tables, and incidentally, Tia, and her mom sat at our table. Now, I recognized Tia's mom right away. She and my mom were best friends growing up,and I had seen lots of pictures, and heard lots of stories.

Now, I'm going to paint a picture for you. I am sitting at the far end of this table, and over walks this girl,and she looks.....mean. Don't worry, I've told her all about my first impression of her. ;) I tried not to even make eye contact,because, it looked like the wrong look could make her go all "Girl interrupted" on me. And to put it plainly, I was kind of a wimp. So, I just sat there. Well,our moms got to talking, and it was very clear that they were both trying very hard to force a friendship between the two of us. I noticed right away that Tia was very sarcastic, and honest. Something that I've always admired about her. Now, Tia did not say two words to me until the subject of the Backstreet Boys came up. Well, I guess our moms saw something we could "bond" over.....um, nope. Tia found out that Nick was my favourite, and she went off. Apparently that was her fave,too. I can't remember the exact things she said to me,but it was somewhere along the lines of, "Seriously, bitch. Nick is mine,and if you know what's good for you, you won't mention his name again." Needless to say, I was shook. I left that day telling my mom that I could never be friends with her. Oh,and I feel like I should point out, that A.J was my fave Backstreet Boy from there on out. ;)

So, that was it,no friendship. Our moms were disappointed,but hey,that's life. Cut to later on that year. Now,we're all at a wedding. Now obviously, a 13, and 14 year old have no business getting hammered at any type of social gathering. Oops. And that was all it took. We spent the rest of the night laughing, and dancing together, and we fell asleep that night dreaming of our double wedding.

Since then, she has been my soul mate. I have never had to be fake with her, because she doesn't judge me. She always tells me exactly how she feels,and never lies to me, even if she knows I might get hurt. She has always been there for me, even if we haven't talked in months, I know nothing has changed. She is the only one who gets my sense of humour,because hers is exactly the same. I love her to death,and I am so thankful to have her in my life.

Tia, and her sister Bobbi, have seen me through everything. Whether it was us 3 on the beach staring at my boyfriend in the water because we could see his junk through his shorts. Or the time when a very pregnant Bobbi-Jo took off, and we circled the town looking for her. Or the book store....Bobbi?? They were also there through my miscarriage. They fed me,and laughed with me,and got me through. I love you, girls

Tia, and I had our share of fights, some with us not talking for months, but here we are, 15 years later. Doesn't seem that long.

So, anyways,I'm sure I'm rambling,but I love you,bitch. You have always been there for me, and I hope we are always able to find humour in poop, small dicks, and butt sex. Have an awesome birthday!

Saturday, 6 April 2013

Remember when you were 18?!

Hey, remember when you were 18?!

I do. It was a glorious time. I was thin, my skin was amazing, my boobs were AWESOME, and even after being out all night, I still looked fresh faced.

Things are in a sad state now.

I am easily 70lbs overweight, my skin pretty much hates me, I could probably tuck my boobs into my pants, and even after a good nights sleep I get asked about 57 times "are you alright? You look sick." Yes, my face is making people think I am physically ill. That's great.
I remember people who were way older than me, or possibly seemed way older than me, because I was an 18 year old dumbass, say "Just wait until you get older. You get married, you have kids, you stress about shit that most 18 year olds aren't even thinking about. You'll blink, and you won't recognize yourself." Alright, that's not exactly what they said, I'm paraphrasing. It was probably more along the lines of "Wendy's again? Wow, your ass is gonna be huge when you get older!" And, what do ya know?! They were right!

Sometimes I think back to when I had that 18 year old body. And the scary thing is, I thought I was so fat back then. I would do random crash diets, and live off tic tacs. I'd never be able to do that now. I would seriously be in the corner binge eating cupcakes after 30 minutes.

As far as my face is concerned, I very rarely had breakouts at all during my teenage years. But now? Damn, my face is a happening place....ew, that didn't come out right. What I'm trying to get at here is, I get a lot of pimples. There's never any warning, they don't call first, they just show up. Fuck off! I can't accommodate you anymore! I'm 29, dammit!

The lines under my eyes. This shit is serious. I literally woke up one day,and realized why people thought I was ill....I looked bad, like, real bad. You can try to cover them up,you can add more eye makeup, you will end up looking like a really tired whore.
Did having kids do this?? I mean, I blame most of my physical problems on my kids, so it won't be a big deal to add another one. My back hurts-kids, my hair looks like shit-kids, I haven't pooped regularly since 2005-KIDS!

I'm trying to take better care of myself now. Yeah, I know, why didn't I just do that 10 years ago? Better late than never, right? I really do miss my 18 year old boobs, but now I have 68 year old boobs, so that's fun...

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

You know what really grinds my gears??

Parenting edition!

So, here I am again. Now, I'm sure every parent has some parenting "pet peeves" and if they say they don't, they're dirty fucking liars. And while I could just rattle off the same parenting issues that every parent has, "my kid won't sleep!" "I never have time to myself!" I have decided to tell you what grinds my gears about parenting, that is specific to my kids.

"Come with me to the bathroom"
Alright, my kids are scaredy cats. Seriously, they are incapable, even in the daylight to venture anywhere by themselves. So,there is a constant, "come with me to the bathroom/bedroom/livingroom..." What are they scared of? That's a great question.The best part is, they don't even fucking know! Trust me, I've asked. And if I refuse to go with them, then I get to clean up the puddle of piss that they leave on the floor. I remember being afraid of lots of different things as a kid,but the difference is, I was afraid because my parents were irresponsible, and let me watch a lot of garbage. ;) If Barbie has an episode based on the movie Poltergeist, I haven't seen it.

"You're laughing at me!" 
This is one of Ciena's favourite sayings. Now, I am not mean to my kids. I don't belittle them, or say rude things to them. But we do joke around. Ciena has no problem laughing at the jokes when they're about anyone but her. And when I say joke, I mean friendly joking. Sometimes  I get a glimpse of what our life will be like in 5 years. The wailing/shrieking/general crying over everything. It can be something as simple as her saying a word wrong, or just saying something funny. I tell someone "you'll never guess what Ciena said!" and that's all it takes. Suddenly, you are laughing at her, you don't like her, you think she's ridiculous (not entirely untrue) It's gotten to the point where she'll tell a joke, or say something just to be funny, and I just stare blankly ahead, like an emotionless zombie. All the while praying that she doesn't think that this means that I don't think she's funny, and I'm trying to stifle her comedy.

"You're starving me!"
This phrase is uttered to me, at least 4 times a week. My kids are picky, so picky in fact that they have conditions about what kind of hot dogs they will eat! I stress daily about what to make for dinner, my kids only like a handful of foods, none of which I'd like to be a part of my menu plan every week. Pancakes with ketchup? No thanks. Cucumbers dipped in vanilla yogurt? Hmm, I'll pass. So, I pretty much came to the conclusion that they will eat, or starve....not literally of course. Have you ever tried  to serve a hated food to a hungry child? It's unpleasant. Joel cries, and begs me for a pogo, Ciena doesn't even know what she wants, she just doesn't want spaghetti. All of a sudden it's really fucking loud. I try to ignore them, and that's when this gets thrown out, "You're starving me!" "You're refusing to feed me!" At that point,I'm never even sure myself what's going to happen. Am I going to cave, give them what they want? Do I stand my ground? Or do I lock myself in my bedroom with an abundance of chocolate? Hmm,what do you think?

"I pooped!"
Joel is potty trained and I still have to wipe his ass......I hate wiping asses.

"I'm pissed/hurt/frustrated, so I'm gonna bang my head off the floor."
Yeah, Logan bangs his head on things to express any emotion that isn't happiness.....Not really sure what to say about that.

"It was an accident!" 
I hear this phrase about 673 times a day, and it is never an accident...

I love these kids, but sometimes they really grind my gears!