Monday, 15 April 2013
You know what really grinds my gears??
If you're as lucky as me, perhaps you've been on the same diet for nearly a decade. Yay for lettuce, and water!
Now,I'm going to lay out a normal day for me....while on a "diet"
9am-Eat a sensible breakfast, see this is the time of day when I'm still thinking clearly. I'm still all, "Yay for diets! I'm gonna get sooo skinny!"
11am-Hunger starts to plague me. I start thinking of what I can eat while still following my "diet" but my mind keeps wandering. I could eat that all bran bar, which actually is pretty tasty. I could have some raw carrots, an apple....but what I really want, is some meat, and some cheese, and some candy, and some chocolate....you get the drift.
12pm-Still haven't eaten anything. Trying to hold off until 1, when Logan takes his nap. Then I'll have a healthy lunch. I give myself a pep talk, tell myself how awesome I am. But I'm not awesome. I'm really fucking weak, you know why? Because I just ate two twinkies, I told myself that it wouldn't matter. I told myself that they don't count. I'll start fresh with my next meal. But I don't.
1pm-Holy shit, I'm starving!! I'm so hungry in fact, that when Joel asks me to put on a new dvd for him to watch, I get annoyed with how long it takes for the menu screen to come up,so I can press play. Like, really annoyed. I go from cupboard,to cupboard, to fridge, to freezer. Nothing looks good. So what do I do? I eat doritos....for lunch. Great choice, right? And now I hate myself. And, it's at this point that I tell myself that I will start fresh tomorrow. Today, there's no point.
The rest of the day-I pretty much stuff my face,simply because I have justified it by reminding myself that I m starting fresh tomorrow, so the rest of this day doesn't count.
Yeah, I'm really not confused about why I'm still fat. The worst part is, I really want to be able to do this. I want to be the girl from those pinterest ads. You know, the ones who list off the reasons they're strong?! I want that to be me. I really want for people that haven't seen me in a year, to tell me that I look amazing, because I've lost a ton of weight. And I really, really want to be that girl that people just can't believe has had three kids.
I'm trying, well, I'm not really trying, but I want to. I really don't want this to be my story.