Monday, 16 December 2013

2013 Recap

Well, as 2013 is coming to a close...say what? I know, this year has FLOWN by! I have been thinking about the highs, and lows, amazing moments, and not so amazing ones. So, I thought I would just do a little recap of the last year of my life.

Thinking back to a year ago, seems like a whole different time. We were still dealing pretty heavily with Logan's strange episodes, and struggling with his delays. I was still trying to find my groove of being a mother of 3. And I was just overwhelmed in general. Not that things are really that much different in that respect now. ;)

A year ago, I had a (almost) one year old that was significantly delayed in both, gross motor, and fine motor skills. He couldn't roll over, he couldn't sit up well, he was not mobile at all. I mean, literally I could set him down, and know that he would be in the same spot 10 minutes later. I struggled. I would see people posting cute pictures, and videos on Facebook of their (sometimes much younger) babies doing things that Logan just couldn't do. I remember being so sad seeing my baby looking at the Christmas tree, and knowing that he just wanted to touch it, but unless I put him down right next to it....he just couldn't. I would be so hurt, and upset when people would say, "Oh, be thankful he's not getting around. They just get into everything." Yeah, I knew that. But I wanted for him to be getting into stuff. I wanted to have to put a gate around my Christmas tree. Do you know unusual it is, to be able to have a mountain of gifts under a tree, and not have to worry about your toddler getting into them? I'll never forget how happy I was, when I got the call that Logan was finally set up with a PT, and an OT. Tears of joy! Logan's PT, Heather was amazing. I remember being so in awe of how much progress he was making in such a short amount of time. I saw Heather today, she took one look at Logan running, and her eyes filled up with tears. She said, "Do you realize that it was right around this time a year ago that I started seeing Logan? And look at him!" The first time Heather saw my one year old son, he couldn't even roll over, and in 8 months, she had him on his feet, taking steps. I can say, hands down, the day that Logan took his first steps, was the greatest day, and the biggest joy of 2013.

Now, most of you that are reading this, are close friends. So, you will not be surprised when I talk about the issues in my marriage, being an intense low of this year. I'm not going to go into specifics, obviously a lot of you know. But, this was a hard, hard year for us. We struggled, and are still struggling some days. I cannot explain to you what it feels like to question your marriage. To question all the years you have spent with this person, all the happy times, as well as the difficult. It's terrifying. Not knowing what the right decision is, and not having the strength to make hard choices. But we're still here. We both do a lot of soul searching this year. And the bottom line? The conclusion that we both came to? We want to be married. And furthermore, we want to be married to each other. We are still making mistakes, and trying to learn from them. We don't always have good days....or weeks. But I can say with 100% certainty, we are both much happier than we were 6 months ago. I have no idea what the future holds for us. If I had a wish, it would be for the two of us to still be here, and loving each other 50 years from now. We're not perfect. But, we acknowledge that, and do our best. It's not always easy, but it is worth it.

This year, my little Joely started school. Like real school. Crazy! Putting him on the bus that first day was so bittersweet. He was so excited, and brave. And independent. Which is everything I wanted him to be on the first day. But, I anxiously waited all day for a phone call saying that he just wanted to come home. And it never came. It dawned on me, that he didn't need me as much as he used to. He was a big boy. He had a great day, and came home, and he was so excited! That's hard. Here is my little "baby" the boy who still falls asleep in my lap every night. The one who cries at the drop of a hat. He's so little. But he proved that there were some things that he needed, and wanted to do on his own. The last 3 months I have noticed a huge change in Joel. He isn't so shy, he is so inquisitive. He wants to learn! And he is learning. He's making friends. All of the things you want for your child, and they are doing them. It's a proud moment.

Ciena. Aaah, what can I say about my sweet little firecracker? Wise beyond her years, that's for sure. She talks like an adult. She understands everything. And one change I noticed in her this year? She gets sarcasm! Before, she wouldn't get the joke. So she'd get upset, and then you'd try and explain it to her, and just no. But then one day, she just got it. I love the fact that we have our own little inside jokes now. We laugh our heads off while the boys in the house look at us like we're nuts. While Ciena didn't have any big defining moments this year, she has grown so much. She isn't a kid, kid anymore. She's a little lady. No longer are the days when she just doesn't care if she has messy hair for school, she does care! She embarrasses very easily, and doesn't like feeling like the butt of the joke. She is quite serious, but loves nothing more than to laugh when something is really funny. She is an amazing kid. Her teacher told me that she had separated all of the students into study groups. And of course, there was a lot of bickering, and fighting. So the teacher called up each student individually, and asked them to name 2 students who they would want to work with. And she said every student named Ciena as one of their two choices. I cried. I cried happy tears that I was raising a kind child. A child who finishes her work, and then helps others with theirs. She is amazing.

This year really has been a roller coaster. I had lots of laughs, and I cried even more. I always try to be a kind hearted person. I do not easily let things roll off my shoulders. And this past years tried me in ways I never thought possible. I considered ending my marriage, I watched my sweet Logi become a maniac over the Christmas tree just like I had hoped he would last year, I found out who my true friends were, and lost some friends that I thought were forever. Definitely not an amazing year by any stretch of the imagination, but the awesome, and totally wonderful parts were worth all of the rest of the bullshit. So, I say farewell to 2013. And hopefully 2014 is a year that kicks this year's ass!!

Friday, 6 December 2013

Airing my grievances...

It's Friday, so let's bitch it out!

I've been holding this shit in, so I'm sorry if this post is super long. I'm looking at the clock, and it is 8:17am....but it seriously feels like it should be time for bed. My kids are fucking animals, and I say that in the nicest way possible. I mean, they truly are just like animals. They bite, they whine, they steal food from everyone, and I generally cannot take them into public places, because of their unpredictability. I love them to pieces, but this has been one of those weeks that have me locking myself in the bathroom the second Rob gets home from work. I'm going to lay this week out.

They have been up at 5am....ever single day this week. Wut?? How? How do children not collapse into a puddle of anxiety, and exhaustion at 1pm when they get up at 5 fucking AM? I'll tell you. They save that shit for me, when they get home. The second they walk through the door, it's crazy. I do any and all cleaning that needs to be done, in the morning. I don't like looking at the mess, and when I lay Logan down for his nap in the afternoon, I like to be able to sit on my fat ass, and do nothing at all. But, the second my kids get home from school, the house is destroyed. It's amazing to me, that I have managed to teach my 2 year old to put shit away when he's done playing with it, but my 7 year old, and 4 year old are like "Huh? What does that mean?" Trust me, if you visit me anytime after 4 in the afternoon on a will assume I've been robbed, and/or insane.

So, aside from the fact that I am forced to get up and parent children at 5am, which really, I could ultimately deal with. I have the morning routine going on. The kids catch the bus at 8, and how we've never missed the bus, I'll never understand. Mornings are crazy! So, first of all I have to basically bribe Joel to put some fucking clothes on, and remind him that if he goes to school naked, mommy is going to prison. Not that he cares, but it's worth a shot. So, we argue that for a while, and he finally decides to get dressed. The discussion of what he puts on is a different discussion for a different day. Then, I will inevitably hear Ciena whining to help me open her drawers. Yup, this kid has no many fucking clothes that her drawers won't just slide open. Lyfe is hard, yo. Well, this morning I trot into her room to help her, and promptly trip over the mountain of toys that is littering the floor. Awesome. But she got the drawer open, so, crisis averted.

At this point, I'm busy trying to make lunches. Which then starts the complaining about what is put in the lunches, and arguing over who has the better lunch.....I know, I don't get it either. This is generally when Logan decides he is so famished that if he doesn't get fed immediately, he will collapse....or scream bloody murder. So, I start just throwing shit into lunch bags, and throw them into backpacks. Now, feeding Logan is always interesting. He has many special needs when it comes to feeding, one of which is that most of the time he needs someone to feed him. I say "most of the time" because he is technically supposed to be doing it by himself, but in the mornings, there isn't time for that shit. I feed him, because it's quicker. But this morning he decides he wants drinkable yogurt. He loves yogurt in any form, but this is his fave. So, I'm thinking, yes! He can do that himself! One problem....I'm out of straws. That could be bad. He pretty much needs the straw, otherwise that shit is getting poured all down the front of him. But, I have none. And now I'm holding the fucking yogurt in my hand, and he is screaming at me, "Mine! Mine! Miiiiiiinnnnnneeeeee!" So, I do what any other mother would do, I open that shit, and hand it to him. All the while thinking to myself, oh, it won't be that bad. Well, it was. The first drink he takes, everywhere. All over him, all over the floor, just everywhere. Now I'm upset, but of course I can't be upset with him, I gave it to him knowing full well that this would happen. But fuck! And since he won't let me take it from him, he just wanders through the house, leaving a yogurt trail behind him. It's at this moment that I look at the clock, we have 10 minutes.

So, here I come with a new outfit for Logan, and I get to chase him through the house. Yay! And here's the part where I point out that dressing a toddler, is like dressing an octopus. It literally takes me 10 minutes most days to get him dressed, and when I'm done, I look like someone beat the shit out of me. I'm trying to dress Logan, and screaming at the kids at the same time to get their coats, and boots on. Finally Logan is dressed, and we get outside just in time as the bus pulls up.

It's Friday, that means garbage day. Now this is the point in the post where I vent about my husband. Now, he works generally a 12-13 hour day. So I don't expect him to help with housework, or cooking, or anything. I actually prefer her leaves the cleaning up to me, I have a certain way of doing things and, well, we'll just leave it at that. But, he is "supposed" to take out the garbage. We don't put it out the night before, unless we want wild animals to dig through it, so he is "supposed" to take it out Friday morning before he leaves. Well, anyone that has driven past our house in the past 6 months has probably noticed a red truck FULL of garbage. Here's why. My husband NEVER empties that garbage can in the kitchen. Like never. I always do it, and it is ridiculous. This is why. Not only does he not empty it, but he will continue to throw garbage on top when the can is quite obviously full. When I say full, I mean, you throw trash on top, and it promptly falls onto the floor. So then I bag it all up, and either put it by the front door, hoping that Rob takes it out on Friday, or I take it out to the truck. Well, flash forward to this morning. While putting kids on the bus, I notice garbage out at the curb. And inside I am thrilled. Yes! He saw the bags by the door, and took them out, and I didn't even have to ask! Yes! Then I get inside.......there are the bags. So, he took bags from the back of the truck, instead of the ones that are sitting by the door, stinking up the entry way. Now, before you say, "Well, maybe he didn't see them." Trust me, he did. He has to step over them to get the dog his food every morning. Blah!

Now, don't anyone get me wrong. I am happy, I love my life. I actually love being a SAHM. I love doing all of the things that I do. I feel the need to clear that up. I am not "bored, and unhappy" like someone suggested to me earlier this week. I think we all have days or weeks that are just shitty. That's life. Nothing is perfect. But as shitty as this week has been for me, I will always look ahead, and know that next week will be better. I don't drink, but I do a pretty good job of drowning my sorrows in chocolate when I need to. ;)

Happy Friday!!

Thursday, 24 October 2013


So, here I am, 30 years old. When I was a kid, that was old! And now, that's me. And honestly? I feel the same way I did 10 years ago.....a little fluffier, and a little more sleepy maybe. ;) But, the same.

30 days ago, I started "30 good deeds by 30" And wow. It's been an amazing 30 days. When I first decided to do this, it was a fun way to pass thirty days until my birthday. But it became more than that. Day by day, I would do these nice things for people, and for myself. And as the days went on, I noticed all of the amazing opportunities I was seeing to do something that might just turn another person's day around. It didn't take any money, took very little time, but in a second you can put a smile on someones face. That made me happy. It's not because I'm amazing, or inspiring. It's because I'm human.

I noticed it changing the people around me, too. My mom has started randomly paying for the person in line behind her at the drive thru. My daughter, is being a better friend to kids at school. That makes me happy.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is this; if you really pay attention, there are about a million chances in any given day, to do good. See some trash? Pick it up. Hold the door open for someone. Let someone in front of you in line at the grocery store. See a donation box? It could be for anything, drop your loose change in there. Just smile! This is a huge one. I went out one day, and made it a point to smile at every single person I passed, it was amazing to see the transformation in some people. It doesn't matter what your mood, seeing someone smile at you, it changes you. You can't help but smile back, and when you do, even if it's only for 10 seconds, you feel lighter, happier, relaxed. Just a smile.

Life is short, and what are we here for? To do something good, and special with this gift we've been given. Why not share that? Why not make people happy, and make yourself happy in the process? We can all make a difference. I know that sounds cheesy, but I believe it. In just 30 days, I have become more relaxed, happier, and much less hard on myself.

I hope you have all enjoyed my updates, and haven't found me too annoying. :p
Thanks so much for the encouragement, the last 30 days have been amazing!

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Good deed day 9

So, as most of you know, I have been doing good deeds everyday, as a "30 good deeds by my 30th birthday" thing. I have really enjoyed it thus far, and I have gotten so much out of it already. So today, my good deed is this blog post. I want to give shout outs to the most important people in my life.

Rob, sometimes I wonder if you know how much I love you. I wonder if you know how truly wonderful I think you are. We have had a rough year, but we are still here. United, together, in love. And I know it won't always be easy, but I will still be here. When I see you with our children, and the way they look at you, I thank God for you. When I look at my life 50 years from now, it's you who I want at my side.

My children, wow. You are all 3 amazing. I used to think about what being a mother would be like, and it's not anything like I expected. It's better. It's challenging, and frustrating at times, and I know I make mistakes, but loving you 3 will be the most amazing gift I have ever been given. You are all growing up so fast, and I wish I could bottle your childhood, and never let it go, but watching you grow, and the things that you say and leave me in awe everyday. Never, ever forget how much I love you, and always will.

Mom, what can I say? You are amazing. You give so much to everyone, and never ask for anything. You are a warm, caring, and generous person, and never get the credit you deserve. It wasn't until I had children, that I realized all of the sacrifices you made for us growing up. Things that would have never occurred to me. Spending our last $5.00 so that I could have the latest issue of "Bop" Loving me enough to insist on walking me to school until I was in 9th grade. Obviously at the time, I was horrified, but now...I totally get it. That's how much you wanted me safe. Enough to not care how embarrassed I was, or how upset I would be with you. I understand, because that's the way I feel about my own children. You are my closest friend, and the only person that knows all of my secrets. You are the only person I trust with them. I can only hope, that my relationship with my daughter is as amazing as my relationship with you. I love you.

Dad, you have taught me so much. Whether you know this or not, you are the person who has always pushed me to do better. Talking to you, and listening to the way you explain things, and every mannerism you have, reminds me of myself. I am so much like you, and that makes me proud. Because you make me proud. You are easily the smartest person I know. And you make me think, and question things everyday. You have taught me that you can never be too knowledgeable about anything. Growing up we didn't always see eye to eye, well, actually, we never saw eye to eye. But I always loved you so much, and everything I have done, was to make you proud. I hope I've succeeded.

R.J, I could fill a book with how much I love you. You are seriously everything to me. Sometimes I feel like we have a connection that nobody else could ever understand. You get me like nobody else. And we both have the exact same sense of humour, which is awesome! Many of the best times in my life, involve you. And not too many people can say that growing up, their younger brother was their best friend. But that's what you were, and are to me now. I love talking with you, and I love it when you ask me for advice. And seeing how awesome you are to your niece, and nephews just makes me so happy. And I really hope they are just as close as we are. I love you, little brother.

Tia, and Bobbi, you girls, I just love you both so much. You never hesitate to tell me the hard truth, when I need to hear it. And I love you for that. I love that I don't need to reel in my twisted sense of humour around you both, and that you will be laughing right along with me. I never have as much fun with anyone else. You two got me through the hardest time in my life, and helped me to laugh again, for that I will always be grateful. I know that we don't always see eye to eye, but whether one of us takes a walk to Arby's to cool down, or we put on our headphones to drown the other out, or we just flat out ignore each other. I know we will sort things out, even if it takes a year(right Tia. Lol) And, years from now, we'll still be bitching to each other about anything and everything.

My girls(you know who you are), who knew I could meet some of the most amazing ladies in my life, on a message board? I am still amazed everyday, at how lucky I am to have you all in my life. Not only have you been invaluable when it came to questions about babies/toddlers, but you have also become some of my closest friends. You all mean so much to me, and the support and love that I have felt from you all, time and again, is so wonderful. I thank my lucky stars everyday that I "met" you all.

Obviously I can't include everyone in my life, but I have to say, that even if you're not on this list, you have made an impact on my life. You have helped me become the person I am today, and I love you for that. And I love you for what you bring to my life, even if it's anger/sadness/ are still challenging me to be a better person, and you are reminding me that everyone has a story, and you never truly know what someone else is going through.

Monday, 8 July 2013

5 years ago.....

5 years ago, I was pregnant. I was on top of the world, I had a 2 year old daughter, who was crazy excited about becoming a big sister! Then a few short weeks was all over. I wasn't pregnant anymore.

A few close friends, and family members know the story of one of the most terrible moments in my life. I've decided to tell all of you, because I finally feel ready to write it all out. And although 5 years seems like a long time, it feels like it was yesterday.

Rob, and I knew from the beginning of our relationship that we wanted to have a few kids. After we had Ciena, we were ready to do it again almost right away. Ciena was amazing! We finally decided to start trying right before she turned 2. To our surprise it only took 2 months. After I saw the 2 pink lines....I had a moment of panic. I knew I wanted another child, but it happened so fast that it was a lot to take in. But after talking to Rob, we both calmed down, and realized that even if we were nervous, we were so excited!

Now, let me say, obviously, I knew that women had miscarriages, but I never in a million years would have guessed how common they are (1 in 4!) I guess I was just naiive, thinking that something like that would never happen to me. From the beginning I had several things going through my head. First of all, I could not shake the fact that I was pregnant with twins. I told everyone that I was sure it was twins, they all smiled and said "okay, whatever." Also, I just had an overall bad feeling. I tried to push it away, but it hovered over me in everything that I did.

We told Ciena right away, although at 2, she didn't really understand. We also told everyone we knew, we had no reason to suspect that it was a bad idea. I honestly felt like the luckiest person in the world.....

It was ultrasound day! I never had an early ultrasound with Ciena, there was really no need. There were no problems, and no real reason to request one. But this time I did. That was due to my overwhelming bad feeling. Luckily my doc agreed, and I went in. I was 11 weeks 2 days pregnant. I laid down, and of course the tech told me all the obligatory, "I'll take some measurements first, and then I'll show you. But remember, at this stage, there's not really much to see." I knew right away something wasn't right. She was quiet, too quiet. She asked me how far along I thought I was. I told her 11 weeks. She asked me if I had any bleeding or spotting? Still no. Then she dropped the bomb. "I shouldn't be telling you this, but, there are 2 sacs, twins. But the fetuses are undeveloped. So, either, you are not as far along as you thought, or this is a missed miscarriage." I was stunned, but not surprised. I told her that there was no way I was off on my dates. I had taken a positive pregnancy test at least 6 weeks ago. I knew what had happened. She then told me that she would rush the results to my doctor, and he would call me. She seemed as heartbroken as I was.

I drove home alone, and in tears. Explaining everything to Rob wasn't easy. Because I told him that she said maybe I was just wrong about my dates, he was so hopeful. He thought I was just being pessimistic, but, I knew. My body had been telling me for months, I just ignored it. The next day, my doctor called. I knew instantly the news wasn't good, because it was a Friday, and my doctor doesn't even have office hours on Fridays. He wanted me to come into the office right away. So I did...

He confirmed everything the ultrasound tech said to me. But it was all a blur. "Twin pregnancy.....undeveloped.....very sorry." My doctor was concerned that I hadn't had any bleeding, or even cramping. At 11 weeks he felt like I may need a D&C. He sent me home, and told me that he would call me the following day with an appointment to have another ultrasound, just to be sure, and meet with a surgeon. So I went home struggling with how I would tell my husband. But I didn't have time to worry about that. When I got home, I started spotting. I called my mom, and we went to the hospital. There was a follow ultrasound, and then a meeting with the surgeon telling me that he wanted to do a D&C immediately. My mom called Rob, and he go there just in time to see me off.

I remember waiting to be wheeled into the OR. Every nurse, and doctor stopped to hug me, and say how sorry they were. That meant so much to me. I finally got into the OR, and all I cared about was having it done. When I woke up, I felt empty. Physically, and emotionally.

In the weeks and months after the miscarriage, I felt broken. How did this happen? As a woman, they tell you that your body is designed for this. I felt like a failure, my body had failed me, and my babies. I wanted them, all the dreams, and hopes, and aspirations that I had for them were just gone in an instant. And I felt responsible. I wanted to just shut everyone out, and cry a million tears. The tears seemed non stop. I could never cry enough. We told Ciena nothing, she was still a baby, and didn't understand. Plus, we figured that if we didn't talk about it, she would just forget. Then one day I was getting changed. She pointed at my belly, and said "Mama's baby?" And I fell to the floor. Would I ever be able to be a normal person again? I was alienating friends that had new babies, I refused to leave the house, I was gaining weight like crazy. I was a mess. And it wasn't over. I had another D&C that December, for yet another miscarriage. 2 miscarriages in 4 months. I was done. I was ready to call it a day. This was too painful. Then February came...

2 pink lines...again. I was terrified. Why did I keep doing this to myself? But, I tried to remain positive. But it was hard. Pregnancy loss takes the joy out of subsequent pregnancies. All you feel is fear. Even when I was in the "safe zone" I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. But on November 23rd 2009, my beautiful, amazing, wonderful Joely came into the world. My rainbow baby. And then Logi bear.

Going through all of that changed both Rob, and I. And we still often talk about our babies. We know that for whatever reason, they weren't meant to be. And it's taken us both a long time to get to this point. But, looking at our beautiful boys, we know, if it hadn't been for that awful time in our lives, we might not have these amazing children.

So this August, I will light a candle for my babies. I will pray, and I will cry. But I will celebrate. I will celebrate my living children, and the joy they bring to us everyday. I will celebrate who they are, and who they will be. I will smile.

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Reasons my toddler might be a dog...

He is obsessed with toilet water
He spins around in circles when he gets excited
He loves the shit out of balls....that doesn't sound right, but you get the idea.

He feels threatened when he is cornered, and tends to get aggressive
He barks...
His farts often clear the room
He enjoys chewing on shoes
He has no shame
He often leaves a path of destruction behind him...
This is how he carries his toys around


Kindred spirits

Friday, 3 May 2013

What I want for Mother's Day.

-To shower BY MYSELF for 20 minutes

-To go an hour without anyone touching me

-To go shopping, and pick out something for myself

-To eat my breakfast/lunch/dinner while it's hot

-To be the only one drinking my tea/water/juice

-To poop.....with the door fingers under the banging on the bodies slamming against the door

-To not have to change any poopy diapers

-To watch whatever I want on t.v

-To take a nap

-No dishes/laundry/mopping/ get the idea

-Calorie free chocolate

-A nice big thank you

To all the moms out there. Just know that you are all amazing. Being a mother is the toughest job there is, and even though you probably feel like you're doing it wrong sometimes, and you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, and if you hear "Moooooooommmmmmm" one.more.time, you will snap.....know that your children love you more than anything. And they don't notice the screw ups, and even if they do, don't worry, they have like a 3 second memory. Know that you are important, and amazing, and loved!

Tuesday, 30 April 2013

You know what really grinds my gears??

Sorry I'm a day late, I fell asleep at like 7:30 last night...

Anyways, this week, celebrity edition!!

Kim Kardashian- Alright, so Kim K, famous for nothing, right? I mean, she has a sex tape, and a terrible reality show, but neither of them are any good. Although I will admit, that seeing Kim cry on screen is pretty amusing.
Awesome, right!

She married a complete douchebag, I mean, how she didn't realize what an asshole he was before her 10 million dollar wedding, that lasted 72 days, I'll never understand. So, now she is pregnant. And her stylist is apparently taking a 9 month long smoke break. Holy hell, Kim, you look terrible. You need a maternity bra....STAT! And you pretty much need to burn anything that looks like this,

You are pregnant!! Maternity clothes suck if you have no fucking money, and have to shop at Walmart, but being pregnant, and a millionaire?! Get yourself some clothes that fit you, and a nice pair of maternity underwear that you can tuck under your boobs. You will feel so much better.

Amanda Bynes- Hmmm, I'm not even sure what to say here. But the phrase "Pulling a Britney comes to mind. I'm sure we all remember the old Amanda, the spunky, funny as hell star.
Aww, so cute. Well, let me bring you up to speed. This is where we are now....
Now, I can totally get behind that statement. But, her various new looks, along with her obsessive, and sometimes incoherent tweets, and it is very apparent that girlfriend is in need of some help. And this is a good example of child stars gone wild.

Gisele- Fuck, where do I start with this one? Gisele is one of the few celebrities that I would love to punch out. Her comments regarding motherhood continue to amaze, and irritate me. Here are a few...

Some people here think they don’t have to breastfeed, and I think, ‘Are you going to give chemical food to your child, when they are so little?’ There should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.”

"I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds."

Well la-di-frickin-da! 

Reese Witherspoon- Now, this is a new one for me. I actually always loved her. But after her husband's DUI, and her insane diva feelings have changed. 

I'm sure a lot of people will say,"people make mistakes!" Yeah, they do. But when your mistake could KILL someone, then I'm sorry, I have no sympathy for you. Not only the fact that they were driving drunk, but, they are millionaires! They can afford a driver to drive them around! I totally get what it's like to be a new parent, you want to go out, blow off some steam. Great, do that. But you have to be really fucking stupid to get behind the wheel after you've been drinking. And then to get all, "Do you even know who I am?!" Yeah, we know. We just don't fucking care.

Monday, 22 April 2013

You know what really grinds my gears??

Tonight is going to be fun. I am doing a mishmash of some of mine, and I'm sure other people's biggest annoyances. Because lists are fun!

-Couples that sit on the same side of the booth. Motherfucking gag! Seriously?? You just can't bear to be separated, even if it's just long enough to choke down a big Mac? Well, let me just look fucking ridiculous. Like you might as well be on each others lap. What do you think is going to happen if you sit across from one another? Like, I'm honestly asking you this question. Is he going to accidentally have sex with another woman, because you're not velcroed to his side? Is she going to eye up all the seniors enjoying their lunch, get freaked out about spending eternity with you, and bolt? WHAT?! Seriously, stop this shit.

-People who use the bathroom stall right next to yours.  Even when there are like a billion empty ones. Now, I don't need to go into detail why this is annoying. But, it's pretty much the equivalent of when my 3 year old sits on a stool facing me while I try to "do my business" I don't need an audience. I mean, I am in the stall waaaaaaay in the back. Did that not give you any clue? If this is you.....stop it! Do you know how sad it is that I have to poop at the mall just to get some privacy?! Well, you're fucking that up...

-Open this without killing yourself.....I dare you. Why do they make it so hard to open??!! I just want my new memory card!

-Getting "glitterbombed" Now, I realize that glitterbomb is not a real word, but it is now. I have a 6 year old daughter. Do you wanna know what every little girl's birthday card/fancy bag/clothing/and most toys, is covered in? That's right, glitter! Glitter everywhere! I swear, it has been a fucking year since her last birthday party, and there is still glitter everywhere. WTF?! It's a 6 years old's birthday party....not a dirty ass strip club where Ke$ha performs!

-Unexpected company.  am going to swear to you right now, that I am very OCD about the tidiness of my house. But I'm sure there are people who would disagree with me, because they have just happened to show up at my house unexpectedly. Now, not to knock people that do this, I mean, you're in the area, you wanna stop by. Awesome! Just give me a good 15 minutes. Because I guarantee to you, that my house is spotless, until the day when you decide to drop in. That's the day that my kids have succeeded in reducing me to a sweaty, sobbing mess, that just doesn't give a shit that the laundry is everywhere, and the dishes are piling up.  That is the day I am counting down the hours until bedtime....or,it's the weekend. I don't clean on the weekend. ;)

-"No offense" Yeah, well. No offense, but what you just said was fucking offensive.

-Usage of the "R" word, or any other racial/homophobic/all around assholeish slur. Welcome to 2013, we're all equal. Get the fuck over it!

-PEOPLE WHO TYPE EVERYTHING LIKE THIS. Stop yelling,and calm the fuck down.

-This spider in my shower.  No, just no...

-People who call numbers that were on their caller ID....even if they have no idea who it is. This is so strange to me. I often call the wrong number, but don't realize it until it's started ringing, so I hang up in a panic, and carry on. Until 5 minutes later, the phone rings. "Hello?" "Yeah, someone from this number just called here." "Yeah, that was me, I dialed the wrong number." "Alright, bye." What was the point of that??!! Guess what,if they know you, and are actually trying to get a hold of you, they will call back, or leave you a message!

Monday, 15 April 2013

You know what really grinds my gears??

So, unless you're lucky enough to have never had a weight problem, or one of those people with a high metabolism, I'm sure you've been on at least one diet in your life.

If you're as lucky as me, perhaps you've been on the same diet for nearly a decade. Yay for lettuce, and water!

Now,I'm going to lay out a normal day for me....while on a "diet"

5am-wake up

9am-Eat a sensible breakfast, see this is the time of day when I'm still thinking clearly. I'm still all, "Yay for diets! I'm gonna get sooo skinny!"

11am-Hunger starts to plague me. I start thinking of what I can eat while still following my "diet" but my mind keeps wandering. I could eat that all bran bar, which actually is pretty tasty. I could have some raw carrots, an apple....but what I really want, is some meat, and some cheese, and some candy, and some get the drift.

12pm-Still haven't eaten anything. Trying to hold off until 1, when Logan takes his nap. Then I'll have a healthy lunch. I give myself a pep talk, tell myself how awesome I am. But I'm not awesome. I'm really fucking weak, you know why? Because I just ate two twinkies, I told myself that it wouldn't matter. I told myself that they don't count. I'll start fresh with my next meal. But I don't.

1pm-Holy shit, I'm starving!! I'm so hungry in fact, that when Joel asks me to put on a new dvd for him to watch, I get annoyed with how long it takes for the menu screen to come up,so I can press play. Like, really annoyed. I go from cupboard,to cupboard, to fridge, to freezer. Nothing looks good. So what do I do? I eat doritos....for lunch. Great choice, right? And now I hate myself. And, it's at this point that I tell myself that I will start fresh tomorrow. Today, there's no point.

The rest of the day-I pretty much stuff my face,simply because I have justified it by reminding myself that I m starting fresh tomorrow, so the rest of this day doesn't count.

Yeah, I'm really not confused about why I'm still fat. The worst part is, I really want to be able to do this. I want to be the girl from those pinterest ads. You know, the ones who list off the reasons they're strong?! I want that to be me. I really want for people that haven't seen me in a year, to tell me that I look amazing, because I've lost a ton of weight. And I really, really want to be that girl that people just can't believe has had three kids.

I'm trying, well, I'm not really trying, but I want to. I really don't want this to be my story.
I'm trying hard to find some motivation. But on the bright side, if I don't, Rob said he'll tie a steak to the bumper, and I can chase him down the road. Happy Monday!

Friday, 12 April 2013

If I had a million dollars...

Imagine me singing that. Sounds good, doesn't it?

Anyways, in honour of the 649 jackpot tomorrow being a whooping $55 million dollars, I decided to compile a list of things that I would do if I won.....

-Wipe my ass with a $100 bill, just because I could

-Trick out my minivan....totally not kidding

-"Rent" Rebel Wilson for the day

-Disneyworld baby!!

-Move into this house....ASAP!
-Hire a professional photog to follow my kids around all day, taking candid photos

-Hire a professional trainer/cook/stylist

-Hire Justin Timberlake to show up at my this
-Finally buy a flatscreen t.v.....or 10

-Go to college

-Fund some cool, cutting edge research

-Hire someone to come take all of the junk my husband has littered our yard with for 7 years. Yes, even the camper, that's sole purpose is to hold more junk. Take it all!

-Hire a nanny that's only job is dealing with tantrums, and diapers

-Punch Justin Bieber in the face. There's too many reasons to list

-Give my mom enough money to she has more time to babysit

-Finally make all of my Pinterest boards a reality!!

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Shit my 3 year old did today...

-Picked his nose, and ate his boogers.

-"checked" to make sure his bum was wiped properly....with his finger.

-Ripped our entire newspaper into confetti small pieces,and threw it around the living room

-Kicked his little brother down for touching his chair

-insisted it was an "accident"

-Dumped a bowl of cheerios down his pants

-slammed the bathroom door 5 times after exiting

-Threw pieces of bread onto the floor while shouting "quack quack!"

-Sang this song for 45 minutes, "P is for poop. p p poop!"

-Changed his clothing 3 times,then decided he only wanted to wear underwear

-Told his sister she was a "poop sandwich"

-Hid under the kitchen table for 20 minutes......without telling anyone he was going to hide

-Cried for half an hour because we didn't have any balloons???

-Cried for 10 minutes because he bit his little brother, and then his little brother pulled his hair

-Started throwing toys violently out of the toy box looking for something.

-Halfway through, he forgot what he was looking for

-Ran through through the house screaming happily, while his siblings looked on in confusion

-Put his father's dirty sock in his mouth

-Tore all of the blankets off of my freshly made bed

-Got mad because he was ready for bed,and there were no blankets on the bed

-Fell asleep on the couch, waiting for me to re-make the bed

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Pinterest blows my mind.

I will admit, that the first few months I had pinterest, I was really fucking confused. Like what's the point to this shit? Pins, boards, huh? And now, pinterest has made me it's bitch...

I stay up way too late pinning shit that isn't always of any relevance, or use to me. But, I still feel like I need it saved for later. And I think that's one of the best things about pinterest. It makes you realize just how much better you could have been doing things. Like, for instance, putting your pancake batter in an old ketchup bottle. What?! I mean, admit it, you would have never thought of that, would you? You can be honest. But look at how awesome your pancakes are now! How pissed are you that you are just now finding out about this?! Don't worry, I feel your pain.

Pinterest also makes you feel like a badass mom! Look at these awesome recipes I'm whipping up! "No, no,honey. Don't put baby wipes on the grocery list this week, I'm going to make my own." You know why? Because I'm fucking awesome, and, nope. I have an entire board for crafts,and DIY....83 pins. You know how many of those projects I've accomplished? None, zero, zilch. Tonight was actually the first time I browsed all of my DIY pins. I'm sure I pinned them with the best of intentions, but I dropped the ball.

I have gotten into full on arguments with my husband about pinterest. He gets all, "what's the point?" And then I'm all, "What the fuck are you talking about?! Look at all this delicious food I have pinned! Look at this, I'm going to start making my own reusable paper towels! I'll be saving you money!!" We don't even have a fucking sewing machine! And I have a shit ton of projects that involve sewing, which I don't know how to do.

Pinterest is giving me a false sense of my skill level,as a mother/cook/seamstress...I throw the shit in the slow cooker, and bam! Look at me, I am cooking while I do laundry, and wipe asses. Holla! Then I drink some nasty detox drink, because pinterest told me that this was a good way to lose a few pounds, and flush your system out....which it did....ouch. Then I'll stroll over here to where Joel has just spilled some very red juice. That's just fine, reusable paper towels, which are actually just old linens that I tore up, because I cannot sew (remember?) And yeah, that doesn't work so well, but I don't worry about stains, VINEGAR!! Vinegar will clean anything! Vinegar is all purpose, drink it, clean with it, use it to freshen the air. Mmmmm....

By the way, I browsed pinterest the entire time I was writing this...

Monday, 8 April 2013

You know what really grinds my gears??

Isn't he adorable?!
This is Cash. He is our 4 year old Newfoundland. He is 140lbs of pure fucking insanity. For real. He's a pretty good dog, and generally well behaved, and cute. Did I mention cute?? But, he really makes me shake my head, and ask, WTF?

He has an eating disorder. I am pretty sure he would eat if he was allowed. Rob usually gets up between 5-6am. And the second that Cash hears Rob stirring, he is up. Generally,he'll go right to Rob's side of the bed, and start whining. And that whining is accompanied by the incessant tail wagging.....which bangs against the wall loud enough to wake Logan. When Rob finally gets out of bed, we all get to listen to Cash lose his everloving mind while Rob gets dressed. Like full on, running around in circles, whining, and freaking out. Sometimes we think that he just has to pee really bad, so we let him outside. That is usually met with crazy barking,and the sound of him pawing his food bowl around the porch. This continues until he is fed. Then, heaven forbid Rob should get home early any night. Cash gets horribly confused. He will literally sit by his bag of food, looking from person to person, and whining because he thinks it's supper time.

He can't do steps. It's either the steps, or the laminate flooring, we're not too sure. We have a step up leading into our living room. Now,it's maybe a foot high. Now, I'm not even exaggerating a little bit when I say,he cannot climb this step without falling on his ass. This is how it starts. We all enter the living room, Cash gets to the step,and just stands there. He is terrified of this step. He will either stand there and stare at us,and whine until Rob helps him, or, if any one of us takes food into the room with us, he will attempt the step himself. And what happens is him falling on his ass just as he brings his back legs up. We try and help him most of the time because we are afraid he's going to really hurt himself.

He smells like mouldy ass. Dog farts are pretty bad, but I think I can safely say, "My dog smells way worse than your dog." I couldn't tell you what makes him smell so bad. He loves garbage, and he eats a lot of it, so that may be a contributing factor. But, this is all I know. We have started putting him outside while we eat dinner. Mainly because his smell was making us all lose our appetites. And for some reason he saved it all, just to let it out while we were eating. Awesome. And this is the best part. Aren't dog farts usually silent? Not Cash. He lets them rip, but that at least gives us time to get him outside, so I guess the warning is nice.

He also has an issue with doorways.Cash is pretty curious. He really is still like a puppy in a lot of ways. So, he likes to explore the house. Very often, he'll wander away, and then a few minutes later I'll hear whining. Then I start searching. And there he is in the bathroom. Now the first few times he did this, I was thoroughly confused. He was just standing there in the doorway. I would stare at him. "What the fuck are you just standing there for?" Then he looked confused.Until I would go in,and push the door completely open,and out he came. Let me say, there was more than enough room for him to get through the doorway, but unless a door is completely open, he just stands there with a dumb look on his face. Although that may just be his normal face.

He barks at everything. "Oh look! Someone is walking past our house, I'm gonna bark!" Oh look! The neighbour dogs are outside, I'm gonna bark!" "Oh look! Someone that I have known forever, and I see all the fucking time just pulled in, I'm gonna bark extra loud and long!" Sometimes this fucking dog barks at the trees, when the wind blows the leaves.....

He's awesome, but he can be a real pain in the ass!

Sunday, 7 April 2013

Happy Birthday, Bitch!

Tomorrow, my best friend turns 28. This post is for her.

When I was 14, I went along with my mom to a family baby shower. I didn't know anyone there, except for my mom,and grandma. We all sat down at tables, and incidentally, Tia, and her mom sat at our table. Now, I recognized Tia's mom right away. She and my mom were best friends growing up,and I had seen lots of pictures, and heard lots of stories.

Now, I'm going to paint a picture for you. I am sitting at the far end of this table, and over walks this girl,and she looks.....mean. Don't worry, I've told her all about my first impression of her. ;) I tried not to even make eye contact,because, it looked like the wrong look could make her go all "Girl interrupted" on me. And to put it plainly, I was kind of a wimp. So, I just sat there. Well,our moms got to talking, and it was very clear that they were both trying very hard to force a friendship between the two of us. I noticed right away that Tia was very sarcastic, and honest. Something that I've always admired about her. Now, Tia did not say two words to me until the subject of the Backstreet Boys came up. Well, I guess our moms saw something we could "bond", nope. Tia found out that Nick was my favourite, and she went off. Apparently that was her fave,too. I can't remember the exact things she said to me,but it was somewhere along the lines of, "Seriously, bitch. Nick is mine,and if you know what's good for you, you won't mention his name again." Needless to say, I was shook. I left that day telling my mom that I could never be friends with her. Oh,and I feel like I should point out, that A.J was my fave Backstreet Boy from there on out. ;)

So, that was it,no friendship. Our moms were disappointed,but hey,that's life. Cut to later on that year. Now,we're all at a wedding. Now obviously, a 13, and 14 year old have no business getting hammered at any type of social gathering. Oops. And that was all it took. We spent the rest of the night laughing, and dancing together, and we fell asleep that night dreaming of our double wedding.

Since then, she has been my soul mate. I have never had to be fake with her, because she doesn't judge me. She always tells me exactly how she feels,and never lies to me, even if she knows I might get hurt. She has always been there for me, even if we haven't talked in months, I know nothing has changed. She is the only one who gets my sense of humour,because hers is exactly the same. I love her to death,and I am so thankful to have her in my life.

Tia, and her sister Bobbi, have seen me through everything. Whether it was us 3 on the beach staring at my boyfriend in the water because we could see his junk through his shorts. Or the time when a very pregnant Bobbi-Jo took off, and we circled the town looking for her. Or the book store....Bobbi?? They were also there through my miscarriage. They fed me,and laughed with me,and got me through. I love you, girls

Tia, and I had our share of fights, some with us not talking for months, but here we are, 15 years later. Doesn't seem that long.

So, anyways,I'm sure I'm rambling,but I love you,bitch. You have always been there for me, and I hope we are always able to find humour in poop, small dicks, and butt sex. Have an awesome birthday!

Saturday, 6 April 2013

Remember when you were 18?!

Hey, remember when you were 18?!

I do. It was a glorious time. I was thin, my skin was amazing, my boobs were AWESOME, and even after being out all night, I still looked fresh faced.

Things are in a sad state now.

I am easily 70lbs overweight, my skin pretty much hates me, I could probably tuck my boobs into my pants, and even after a good nights sleep I get asked about 57 times "are you alright? You look sick." Yes, my face is making people think I am physically ill. That's great.
I remember people who were way older than me, or possibly seemed way older than me, because I was an 18 year old dumbass, say "Just wait until you get older. You get married, you have kids, you stress about shit that most 18 year olds aren't even thinking about. You'll blink, and you won't recognize yourself." Alright, that's not exactly what they said, I'm paraphrasing. It was probably more along the lines of "Wendy's again? Wow, your ass is gonna be huge when you get older!" And, what do ya know?! They were right!

Sometimes I think back to when I had that 18 year old body. And the scary thing is, I thought I was so fat back then. I would do random crash diets, and live off tic tacs. I'd never be able to do that now. I would seriously be in the corner binge eating cupcakes after 30 minutes.

As far as my face is concerned, I very rarely had breakouts at all during my teenage years. But now? Damn, my face is a happening place....ew, that didn't come out right. What I'm trying to get at here is, I get a lot of pimples. There's never any warning, they don't call first, they just show up. Fuck off! I can't accommodate you anymore! I'm 29, dammit!

The lines under my eyes. This shit is serious. I literally woke up one day,and realized why people thought I was ill....I looked bad, like, real bad. You can try to cover them up,you can add more eye makeup, you will end up looking like a really tired whore.
Did having kids do this?? I mean, I blame most of my physical problems on my kids, so it won't be a big deal to add another one. My back hurts-kids, my hair looks like shit-kids, I haven't pooped regularly since 2005-KIDS!

I'm trying to take better care of myself now. Yeah, I know, why didn't I just do that 10 years ago? Better late than never, right? I really do miss my 18 year old boobs, but now I have 68 year old boobs, so that's fun...

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

You know what really grinds my gears??

Parenting edition!

So, here I am again. Now, I'm sure every parent has some parenting "pet peeves" and if they say they don't, they're dirty fucking liars. And while I could just rattle off the same parenting issues that every parent has, "my kid won't sleep!" "I never have time to myself!" I have decided to tell you what grinds my gears about parenting, that is specific to my kids.

"Come with me to the bathroom"
Alright, my kids are scaredy cats. Seriously, they are incapable, even in the daylight to venture anywhere by themselves. So,there is a constant, "come with me to the bathroom/bedroom/livingroom..." What are they scared of? That's a great question.The best part is, they don't even fucking know! Trust me, I've asked. And if I refuse to go with them, then I get to clean up the puddle of piss that they leave on the floor. I remember being afraid of lots of different things as a kid,but the difference is, I was afraid because my parents were irresponsible, and let me watch a lot of garbage. ;) If Barbie has an episode based on the movie Poltergeist, I haven't seen it.

"You're laughing at me!" 
This is one of Ciena's favourite sayings. Now, I am not mean to my kids. I don't belittle them, or say rude things to them. But we do joke around. Ciena has no problem laughing at the jokes when they're about anyone but her. And when I say joke, I mean friendly joking. Sometimes  I get a glimpse of what our life will be like in 5 years. The wailing/shrieking/general crying over everything. It can be something as simple as her saying a word wrong, or just saying something funny. I tell someone "you'll never guess what Ciena said!" and that's all it takes. Suddenly, you are laughing at her, you don't like her, you think she's ridiculous (not entirely untrue) It's gotten to the point where she'll tell a joke, or say something just to be funny, and I just stare blankly ahead, like an emotionless zombie. All the while praying that she doesn't think that this means that I don't think she's funny, and I'm trying to stifle her comedy.

"You're starving me!"
This phrase is uttered to me, at least 4 times a week. My kids are picky, so picky in fact that they have conditions about what kind of hot dogs they will eat! I stress daily about what to make for dinner, my kids only like a handful of foods, none of which I'd like to be a part of my menu plan every week. Pancakes with ketchup? No thanks. Cucumbers dipped in vanilla yogurt? Hmm, I'll pass. So, I pretty much came to the conclusion that they will eat, or starve....not literally of course. Have you ever tried  to serve a hated food to a hungry child? It's unpleasant. Joel cries, and begs me for a pogo, Ciena doesn't even know what she wants, she just doesn't want spaghetti. All of a sudden it's really fucking loud. I try to ignore them, and that's when this gets thrown out, "You're starving me!" "You're refusing to feed me!" At that point,I'm never even sure myself what's going to happen. Am I going to cave, give them what they want? Do I stand my ground? Or do I lock myself in my bedroom with an abundance of chocolate? Hmm,what do you think?

"I pooped!"
Joel is potty trained and I still have to wipe his ass......I hate wiping asses.

"I'm pissed/hurt/frustrated, so I'm gonna bang my head off the floor."
Yeah, Logan bangs his head on things to express any emotion that isn't happiness.....Not really sure what to say about that.

"It was an accident!" 
I hear this phrase about 673 times a day, and it is never an accident...

I love these kids, but sometimes they really grind my gears!

Saturday, 30 March 2013

Random facts about me

So, not like you asked or anything, but now that I'm starting to get more feedback on my blog (thanks!) I decided to write a post all about me! But, since I'm lazy, and nobody wants too much info, it will be in fact form, and very random. Fun, right!

I am more afraid of ghosts in my house, at night, than I am of burglars
Seriously, don't ask me why, but ghosts terrify me! The funny thing is, I love watching scary movies, and actually prefer to watch the ones about ghosts.......and then it's bedtime. And suddenly, I'm 6. "What was that?" "Is that a shadow,or a demon?" "Something just touched my leggggg!!" It's really quite embarrassing inside my head, sometimes. I talk to a ton of moms who are all, "Sometimes I try and map an escape route for my kids, and I, like if there were ever a burglar in our house." And I'm like, "Yeah, but what about, like if your dead grandmother came to visit you? What's your plan then?! I need ideas!"

I peed my pants once when I was 13
Now, there are 2 versions of this story. If you want the real one, this is it......don't listen to anything my brother says! So, my brother, and I are walking home from school. It is freezing cold, and there is snow on the ground. We turned the corner, onto our street. I had to pee sooooo bad! Now, in reality, our house was probably like 5 or 6 houses away. But, looking down the block at it, with a full bladder, man, it seemed really.fucking.far. I remember telling my brother, "I really have to pee. Like really bad." And he was all, "Look, we're almost home. Don't do anything stupid." Then I'm like, "I think I'm gonna pee." And he's like, "What?! Are you fucking serious?! We're 10 steps away from a toilet!" And I chimed in with, "I'm peeing." That was met with a look of horror, and a definite loss of respect. But, seriously, I was only 13. My brother is way off base when he says I was 19.......seriously, not true.

My first boyfriend was from Holland
Yeah,so picture this. Your dad works on a tobacco farm. He comes home one night, and says, "Yeah there's these two cool guys that I work with, and I invited hem over for dinner." Whatever, right? Well, then the two guys show up, it turns out they are young....and cute! So, in my 14 year old head, I'm going, "jackpot!" So, after some visiting, I notice that I am developing a little crush on the younger of the two guys. He's kind of quiet, pretty respectful......not so great with the English, but we can work around that. So, then a few nights later, dad comes home and says, "Those poor guys, they aren't going home until the end of October, but the farmer is turning off the heat in the bunkhouse! They'll be so cold!" Then he decides, "Hey, remember the two guys that came over? Yeah, remember how you really liked one?! Well, they are going to stay here with us for a few weeks!" Good call, dad.Good call. So, anyways they came, they stayed, I got my first real kiss, with tongues!! And, we were "dating" Now you know the huge problem with dating someone that lives 4000 miles away?  Well, they live 4000 miles away! Now, there were sweet phone conversations, although, we were only allowed to talk for an hour because of the long distance charges. He actually did come to visit twice in the 18 months we were dating. He stayed in our house, both times....big mistake, dad. ;) But after a while, I got bored. I was 16, and was just not on the same page. He kept talking about getting married, and having kids. Blah! But, he was my first love.

I played with barbies for a really long time
Like,my mom had to tell me when I was 13, that she was not buying me the Barbies that were on my Christmas list....

I can say the alphabet
Not that this is a skill that should be boasted.I mean really, who thinks this is important? Well, my gram does.  When I was 6, she sat me down, and within a half an hour I was rattling it off! Hmm, I guess this is more of a "stupid human trick"

I talk, a lot
Never had it been a problem, until Rob, and I had kids. Then they started talking, too. And then I started to notice my husband start to enjoy being by himself a lot more. I can usually tell when he's tuning me out, and I used to care. But now, I just keep on going, and I get pissed later if I realize he wasn't listening. The best part, is when I start talking about random shit while we're in the car. He starts out listening, and then the more I say, the more his expression changes. It pretty much goes from, a half smile, to a straight face, to this look of pain that is quite indescribable. Almost like he would rather jump into oncoming traffic, than listen to one more thing I have to say.

Monday, 25 March 2013

You know what really grinds my gears?I

Welcome to my second instalment of, "You know what really grinds my gears. This is the driving edition. Now, I am a stay at home mom. Which simply means that on most given days you can find me at the mall. Usually just circling the perimeter, force feeding my kids junk, and trying to survive until naptime. So, needless to say, I do a lot of driving. And let me tell you, there are some legit shitty drivers out there. Which I'm sure you know. But in case you don't, let's go through a list of my biggest driving pet peeves.

The driver that won't pull into the intersection.
You know who I'm talking about. The light turns green, and you, and a whole line of cars are in the left turning lane. Only one little problem, the asshole at the front of the line is still sitting behind the white line. Which pretty much means, he will sit there until traffic clears, and he can go, or the more likely scenario, he will sit there until the light turns yellow, and then when the cars slow down, he will make his turn while the rest of us stay right where we are knowing that we can't make the light. Seriously, dude? Look, I'm not asking you to drive into oncoming traffic. All I ask is that you inch forward just a bit, just enough so that when you make your move after that light turns yellow.....I can follow you!

The asskisser
This is the driver that can't seem to back the eff off! The driver that will ride your ass until you reach your destination. The guy/girl that has ample opportunity to pass you,but chooses not to.  For some reason they are content to stay as close to you as possible. No matter how much hand waving/finger gesturing is thrown at them. What's even better is if this person follows you at night....with their high beams on. Oh yeah, that's totally awesome. You may be blind, but hey, they can see what type of interior you car has!

The "braker"
I had no idea what to call this person. But this seemed to fit. Now, this is the driver that brakes for everything. Now, I totally understand being a cautious driver, I have 3 kids that I drive around daily. Caution is my middle name.....but there is a line. This is the person that will put on their brakes for a stoplight, like a km before they reach it. The person who slams on their brakes when they see a car pullout in front of them....3 blocks away. The person whom you just  cannot follow, because anytime they go around any type of bend or curve, you have to slow down to a crawl because they are so brake happy you may hit them. Do you know this person?? Is this you?? Stop it! Little word of advice, just take your foot off the gas pedal. See, works, doesn't it!

The asshole on the cellphone
Seriously, stop that shit before you kill someone...

The bicyclist that rides on the road, yet doesn't follow the rules of the road
Now, I haven't seen this in cities or towns. But in the country, where I live. Oh my God! Cycling is great exercise, I know this,you know this, and apparently a bunch of "older" citizens got the memo, too. Now, before anyone gets all, "don't make fun of seniors trying to keep in shape!" I'm not making fun of anyone. I think it's fabulous when I see seniors on bikes! It is a great way to stay in shape, and I commend them. But...that doesn't give them a pass to ride along like they have the right of way. And trust me, that is how many of them ride. I'm sure that's not what they're thinking, but they really aren't being safe. I have had cyclists pull out in front of me, I've seen them completely disregard stop signs, and I've seen them riding on the wrong side of the road, which is just plain dangerous, especially after dark. Remember, we need to share the road, which means, a little drivers education wouldn't hurt.

The litterbug
Nothing gets me more pissed off than a litterbug. Does nobody care about the Earth?? But, what's worse, is the litterbug that disposes of their disgusting garbage going 90km down the road. It makes me so sad to take a walk down my road, in the middle of fucking nowhere, and see McDonalds bags, Tim Hortons cups, and enough beer cans/bottles to buy another case! Don't be an asshole, drop that shit off into an actual garbage can. Or just toss it into the back of your vehicle, like I do.;)

This guy
Seriously, give the fuck

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

I'm hibernating...

Yeah, I  know it's the day before spring, so I can't hibernate?!

This is how I'm starting to feel, everytime I have to take the boys out of the house. It is absolute fucking bedlam. I'm being completely serious. I really think it was easier, when Logan was itty bitty. And it was pretty fucking hard then.

First of all, getting ready to go out. "Is this the right foot? Is this the right foot? Is this the right foot??!!" "Yes!" "It was the right foot the last billion times you asked me  too!" Here's a thought, put it on, walk around for a minute. If your foot hurts, it's probably the wrong foot. Then I get to say "Joel, close the door, we're not ready yet!" 68 times, and if I'm lucky, one of those times the dog will sneak back in. Then I get to drag his fat ass off the couch before we can leave. All the while Logan is probably screaming bloody murder, because getting ready to go anywhere confuses the shit outta him, and he just cries until I put his coat on. Doesn't that sound like fun?! And we haven't even left the house yet.

Then we get out to the van. Winter coats have to come off before the buckles get snapped, then Logan pretty much does whatever possible to delay me buckling him in, and the entire time that is happening, Joel is swinging between the two back seats. "Mama, look at me, look at me, look at meeeeeee!!" So, then I get to yell at him 87 times to get into his carseat for 5 minutes. After he finally gets buckled in, I'm instructed to hand him 33 different toys that are littering the van floor. By the time I get into the driver's seat, it's taken us 30 minutes just to get buckled in, and I have sweat dripping down my back.  But, we're off!

Now,depending on where we're going, I can sometimes predict how the adventure will go. Today just happened to be the doctors. Now, the doctors is probably my least favourite place to take the kids. I'll demonstrate why.

We got there today, and the parking lot was full. Not unusual, it's a small lot, and the spaces are somewhat compact anyways. So I parked in the lot across the road. Now, it was snowing, and windy, and all around miserable. So first things first, I haul the stroller out of the back. Then I attempt to unbuckle Joel before Logan.This is met with screaming at the highest degree. And the screaming doesn't stop there. Because we get to put winter coats back on. Yay! So Joel puts his coat on while I struggle with my 1 year old trying to get him to bend his goddamn arms and stick them into his coat. Then we get that figured out, and here comes the hat. The hat isn't a big winner around here either. Let's just say that by the time we get into the office, we're all in tears....

Now I get us all checked in,and then I realize, I smell shit. I quietly ask Joel if he farted. Nope. I look at Logan, and he just looks at me, with this look of contempt. And,I  know. I know he shit himself. So I try to ignore it, hoping I was mistaken. But there was absolutely no ignoring this smell. So off to the bathroom we go. Now, I'm going to add here, that Logan has never grown out of that newborn hating his diaper being changed. He still screams through almost every single one. I was hoping that he would be silent, but I knew I was asking for too much. As soon as I folded down the change table, he lost it. Another fun fact, public bathrooms have an awesome echo. He screamed the entire time I changed him. And then he screamed when  set him into the stroller, so I could wash my hands. Fun! So then we exit......and 8 strangers are staring me down. They obviously heard my child screaming, and they are either silently judging me, or pitying me. So, in silence we take a few seats, and wait to be called in.

Finally, it's our turn. And this is where it gets real fun. As soon as Logan saw the nurse, the nurse he knows all to well, the nurse who administers all of his shots, and takes his temp, and carries him half naked to the scale with her cold hands, his bottom lip starts to quiver, and I know, the waterworks are coming. Now, I know we're not there for Logan to be seen, the doctor knows that, too. But I realized after trying to explain that to a one year old, nope. Not working. So, as soon as the nurse left the room, Logan relaxed, but he quickly became pretty unrelaxed as soon as the doctor entered. This is where my memory gets a little dicey. I'm pretty sure I got looked at by the doctor, I vaguely remember telling Joel to take deep breaths while he was being examined,but the thing I mostly remember, is my toddler screaming through  the entire exam. It was...hmmm, I don't even have a word for it. It was fucking bananas. So, when we were all done, I may have grabbed Joel,and the stroller, and seriously ran from the office.

And then I got to listen to Joel all the way home, complaining because the nurse never offered him a sucker.........

Monday, 18 March 2013

You know what really grinds my gears?

So, in an effort to force myself to post here more, I have decided that every Monday I will do a "you know what really grinds my gears?" post. And just use a different theme every week. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to pull it off week, after week. But, as it turns out......a lot of things piss me off. So here is the first post. And this week is the husband edition.

So, I absolutely love my husband. He is an amazing father, and he works super hard so that I can stay home with the kids, that's great. But, he does a lot of things that make me say, "what the fuck?!" I'm sure those of you with significant others can relate. But, lets run through the list of things that make you go hmm, just for fun!

First of all, he eats in bed. Not really something to get up in arms about, right? Well, I would agree, except for a few facts. Almost every single night, Rob gets up in the middle of the night for a snack. Most of the time it's cheerios. He will get back into bed, and I wake up due to his insanely loud crunching on cereal. I seriously try not to fight with him about it, but being woken up by crunching at 3am, well, it makes me stabby. And it's not always cereal, sometimes he eats an entire sleeve of bed. Now let me tell you, crumbs are not the only issue I have with cookies in bed, although that does piss me off. Another thing is the chocolate chips will fall onto the bed, then Rob lays down, on top of crumbs, and you see where I'm going with this? Chocolate melted all over our sheets. Awesome.

Folding clothes. Now, you're anything like me, and the rest of the population, folding clothes, and putting them away sucks! I can wash, and dry clothes all day, but when it comes time to fold, blah! Sometimes, living out of baskets gets to be too much for my husband. Not sure why, I have no problem with it, but different strokes, and all that. So, every once in a while, he will decide to "fold" Now I put fold in quotations, because nobody, and I do mean nobody would ever consider what he does to be folding. For real. First of all, if anything happens to be inside out, it will stay that way, because he will not turn it the right way. Then he simply lays clothing in the pile corresponding to it's location. Now when I first saw him do this, I stared in wonder. I thought to myself, separating clothes first, then folding them? That's odd. And then I realized that there was no folding happening. He picked up Ciena's pile of clothing, and walked to her room. I watched him open her dresser drawers one, by one. Noting that the bottom one had the most room, then he began to shove all of the clothing in his hands, unfolded, into the drawer. Now, I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that most normal people have some sort of rhyme, and reason to dresser drawers. You know, like top drawer, pajamas, underwear, and so on, and so on. Nope! Not my husband. When I gently mentioned to him that maybe it would be better if he just kept his effing hands off the clothes from now on, his comment was that clothes unfolded, and randomly shoved into drawers, was better than digging through baskets.....Um, nope.

Unloading the dishwasher. Now, I know you're probably thinking, "Come on, my husband is clueless when it  comes to housework, too!" But, I'm not kidding when I say, my husband takes this to the extreme. I obviously have issues with how he loads the dishwasher as well, but I can live with that. But the putting away of the dishes, oy. It's horrible.  Now, let, me start by saying that I can only assume that someone who has to get dishes out of cupboards everyday, and knows where to get whichever dish/cup/spoon....he wants, should have at least a little inkling of where the dishes go when they go back into the cupboard. Right?? Right?? Well, anyways, I kept my mouth shut about it for a while, I know amazing right! But one day I opened the cupboard to get a bowl, and 50 million dishes crashed into my face. Now, picture this scenario. large plates, on top of large bowls, on top of small bowls, on top of saucers. And now they are all laying at my feet. Now, I questioned my husband, and his response......"Well, I just put everything where it makes sense to me." Um, how? And no matter how many times we have this conversation, any time he unloads the dishwasher, my cupboards are complete mayhem! And things go missing, too. There are utensils, and actual small appliances that I haven't seen in years!

He never puts the toilet seat down, and I stumble to the bathroom to pee at 2am, and fall in the toilet....awesome.

He never finishes a project. Right now, we have an unfinished: bathroom, Logan's room, Living room, entire upstairs, and laundry area. He starts these projects with the best of intentions, I'm sure. But after he gets into it, and realizes how much work is involved, he gives up. And I usually come home to find him sleeping on the couch. And the house usually stays disassembled, until I put it back together. I literally had a washing machine in my kitchen for a week, and a half. And when I realized that it wouldn't be moved until I moved it, guess what I did? Yep, I moved it myself. We put up a wall in between our living room, and dining room before Joel was born. Actually I think I was 6 months pregnant with Joel. Now, 4 years later out living room wall is still just dry walled, it hasn't been painted. Oh, and it looks awesome.

I have way more, but I'm starting to feel like this has been therapeutic enough. I hope I was able to entertain you with this list. Maybe you are nodding your head, maybe you are shocked, maybe you just read this because there was nothing good on t.v?

Next Monday the theme will be driving! I'm sure we all have a ton of things that grind our gears when it comes to that!

Friday, 1 March 2013

Bad mommy,or real mommy?

So, after the day/week/month I've had, I feel like I need to post this. I need to give an account of what motherhood is really like....for most of us. And it has occurred to me, that I should post this because, maybe some mommies feel like the way they sometimes feel is wrong, or the way they act, or react is wrong. I'm here to make you all feel a lot better.

I am a mother. And not one of those stylish, pulled together, "How does she do it" types of mothers. More like a frumpy, hot mess "Her baby isn't wearing any shoes" types of mothers. *Disclaimer:I do put shoes on my baby....but he is forever taking them off, so you're pretty much guaranteed to see him shoeless.

I have good days, like when my Amazon order gets delivered, or when both my boys the same time,  any day that I don't have to wash puke/snot/shit off of myself is just a bonus. And I knew what I was in for when I signed up for this mothering gig. But some things  just never occurred to me when deciding to become a mother.

I have not been to the bathroom alone since 2006, for real. I don't know about you, but there is nothing more likely to constipate you than a toddler sitting on a stool in front of the toilet, watching you try to poop.

Hot food just doesn't taste good to me anymore. And I can't quite relax, and enjoy my meal unless there is someone sitting in my lap, eating off my plate.....and yet I'm still fat.Go figure.

Sleep sounds good, in theory. But between a snoring husband, children kicking me all night, and all the random shit that runs through my head on a constant loop.....oh, the sun is up!

I will never be a MILF. Not that I want creepy dudes checking me out....well, maybe I do. The point is, I'll never be one of those women who people look at, and say "I cannot believe you've had 3 kids!" The comments I generally get are, "Oh! When are you due?!"

I look like shit. My hair, my skin, circles under my eyes. Having kids has aged me like 100 years.

I could probably go on, but I'm starting to depress myself. There are some things that I do, that I'm not particularly proud of. Things that I convince myself that "with it" mothers don't do. Things like,

Cry in the bathroom while my children are on the other side of the door carrying on about anything, and everything.

Yell at my kids when they act

Pretend to watch my kids do awesome "tricks" while keeping one eye on phone/computer/t.v.

Let my kids have absolute crap for breakfast/lunch/dinner, because I'm too tired to cook something substantial.

Imagine what I might be doing if  I hadn't had kids....horrible,I know.

Dream of taking a a winery.

Wear earplugs, because I just need to take the edge off the whining.

Order takeout,and pretend I made it.

So there you have it. I could probably write a novel about everything I think I'm doing to fail my kids. And these thoughts go through my head more often than not. But I wanted to let you know, it's tough. Raising kids is fucking hard. But the rewards(hugs, "I love you's) make it all worth it. And if you disagree, just wait until you're old, and get back at them. Make them change your shitty diapers. ;)