Yeah, I know it's the day before spring, so I can't hibernate?!
This is how I'm starting to feel, everytime I have to take the boys out of the house. It is absolute fucking bedlam. I'm being completely serious. I really think it was easier, when Logan was itty bitty. And it was pretty fucking hard then.
First of all, getting ready to go out. "Is this the right foot? Is this the right foot? Is this the right foot??!!" "Yes!" "It was the right foot the last billion times you asked me too!" Here's a thought, put it on, walk around for a minute. If your foot hurts, it's probably the wrong foot. Then I get to say "Joel, close the door, we're not ready yet!" 68 times, and if I'm lucky, one of those times the dog will sneak back in. Then I get to drag his fat ass off the couch before we can leave. All the while Logan is probably screaming bloody murder, because getting ready to go anywhere confuses the shit outta him, and he just cries until I put his coat on. Doesn't that sound like fun?! And we haven't even left the house yet.
Then we get out to the van. Winter coats have to come off before the buckles get snapped, then Logan pretty much does whatever possible to delay me buckling him in, and the entire time that is happening, Joel is swinging between the two back seats. "Mama, look at me, look at me, look at meeeeeee!!" So, then I get to yell at him 87 times to get into his carseat for 5 minutes. After he finally gets buckled in, I'm instructed to hand him 33 different toys that are littering the van floor. By the time I get into the driver's seat, it's taken us 30 minutes just to get buckled in, and I have sweat dripping down my back. But, we're off!
Now,depending on where we're going, I can sometimes predict how the adventure will go. Today just happened to be the doctors. Now, the doctors is probably my least favourite place to take the kids. I'll demonstrate why.
We got there today, and the parking lot was full. Not unusual, it's a small lot, and the spaces are somewhat compact anyways. So I parked in the lot across the road. Now, it was snowing, and windy, and all around miserable. So first things first, I haul the stroller out of the back. Then I attempt to unbuckle Joel before Logan.This is met with screaming at the highest degree. And the screaming doesn't stop there. Because we get to put winter coats back on. Yay! So Joel puts his coat on while I struggle with my 1 year old trying to get him to bend his goddamn arms and stick them into his coat. Then we get that figured out, and here comes the hat. The hat isn't a big winner around here either. Let's just say that by the time we get into the office, we're all in tears....
Now I get us all checked in,and then I realize, I smell shit. I quietly ask Joel if he farted. Nope. I look at Logan, and he just looks at me, with this look of contempt. And,I know. I know he shit himself. So I try to ignore it, hoping I was mistaken. But there was absolutely no ignoring this smell. So off to the bathroom we go. Now, I'm going to add here, that Logan has never grown out of that newborn hating his diaper being changed. He still screams through almost every single one. I was hoping that he would be silent, but I knew I was asking for too much. As soon as I folded down the change table, he lost it. Another fun fact, public bathrooms have an awesome echo. He screamed the entire time I changed him. And then he screamed when set him into the stroller, so I could wash my hands. Fun! So then we exit......and 8 strangers are staring me down. They obviously heard my child screaming, and they are either silently judging me, or pitying me. So, in silence we take a few seats, and wait to be called in.
Finally, it's our turn. And this is where it gets real fun. As soon as Logan saw the nurse, the nurse he knows all to well, the nurse who administers all of his shots, and takes his temp, and carries him half naked to the scale with her cold hands, his bottom lip starts to quiver, and I know, the waterworks are coming. Now, I know we're not there for Logan to be seen, the doctor knows that, too. But I realized after trying to explain that to a one year old, nope. Not working. So, as soon as the nurse left the room, Logan relaxed, but he quickly became pretty unrelaxed as soon as the doctor entered. This is where my memory gets a little dicey. I'm pretty sure I got looked at by the doctor, I vaguely remember telling Joel to take deep breaths while he was being examined,but the thing I mostly remember, is my toddler screaming through the entire exam. It was...hmmm, I don't even have a word for it. It was fucking bananas. So, when we were all done, I may have grabbed Joel,and the stroller, and seriously ran from the office.
And then I got to listen to Joel all the way home, complaining because the nurse never offered him a sucker.........