I'm not surprised to be going through postpartum depression again. I went through it with Joel, and also had extremely bad postpartum anxiety a well. I prepared myself this time to possibly find myself in that place again. And here I am. Feeling so alone. That is one thing I have noticed about depression of any kind...the loneliness. I feel like nobody understands how I feel, and there is nobody to talk to. I feel like a bad mother, and as I've mentioned before, I feel like I'm failing. I knew having 3 kids would be difficult at times, even during good times. But I didn't know it would be this difficult.
Logan cries. He cries for a large portion of the day. Whether it's reflux, or gas, or colic, I have no idea. I just know, it's tough. He likes to be held, and I have a bad back. The 2 don't mix well. By the end of the day I am crying in pain, and ready to sleep for a year. I never considered that i might have a fussy baby. I guess I was so worried about having a baby that slept well was the more important thing. Now I'm not sure which I would prefer. The bad sleeper, or the crier? I snap at my kids a lot. Carrying a crying baby around the house all day, and rocking, and singing, and shh-ing...it's all very frustrating. I am so fried, and then I hear them fighting, or being naughty, and I yell. I do not want to be this person. This person who yells at her kids, and has no control over her life. It's a sucky feeling.
Joel does.not.listen. EVER! He is very much in the throws of his terrible twos. He hits/kicks/punches/pinches/pulls hair. Gah! You name it. If he doesn't get his way, something will be thrown at the window, or the t.v. or the wall. And I swear he i a one man wrecking crew. He will destroy a room in 5 seconds flat. And I could probably handle all of that, if it weren't for the fussy baby too. I can't juggle.
Logan's "episodes" still there, still all I think about. We have no idea what they are. There are many theories, but nothing solid. The EEG is still a few weeks away. But the stress is eating away at me. I am so worried about my sweet boy that i try not to even think about the possibilities. All of these things compounded led me into my doctor office in tears. I am sad, I feel helpless, I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I can't think...I am fighting my way back out. Hopefully very soon I'll feel like my old self.