Wednesday, 21 March 2012


I'm not surprised to be going through postpartum depression again. I went through it with Joel, and also had extremely bad postpartum anxiety a well. I prepared myself this time to possibly find myself in that place again. And here I am. Feeling so alone. That is one thing I have noticed about depression of any kind...the loneliness. I feel like nobody understands how I feel, and there is nobody to talk to. I feel like a bad mother, and as I've mentioned before, I feel like I'm failing. I knew having 3 kids would be difficult at times, even during good times. But I didn't know it would be this difficult.

Logan cries. He cries for a large portion of the day. Whether it's reflux, or gas, or colic, I have no idea. I just know, it's tough. He likes to be held, and I have a bad back. The 2 don't mix well. By the end of the day I am crying in pain, and ready to sleep for a year. I never considered that i might have a fussy baby. I guess I was so worried about having a baby that slept well was the more important thing. Now I'm not sure which I would prefer. The bad sleeper, or the crier? I snap at my kids a lot. Carrying a crying baby around the house all day, and rocking, and singing, and's all very frustrating. I am so fried, and then I hear them fighting, or being naughty, and I yell. I do not want to be this person. This person who yells at her kids, and has no control over her life. It's a sucky feeling.

Joel does.not.listen. EVER! He is very much in the throws of his terrible twos. He hits/kicks/punches/pinches/pulls hair. Gah! You name it. If he doesn't get his way, something will be thrown at the window, or the t.v. or the wall. And I swear he i a one man wrecking crew. He will destroy a room in 5 seconds flat. And I could probably handle all of that, if it weren't for the fussy baby too. I can't juggle.

Logan's "episodes" still there, still all I think about. We have no idea what they are. There are many theories, but nothing solid. The EEG is still a few weeks away. But the stress is eating away at me. I am so worried about my sweet boy that i try not to even think about the possibilities. All of these things compounded led me into my doctor office in tears. I am sad, I feel helpless, I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I can't think...I am fighting my way back out. Hopefully very soon I'll feel like my old self.


  1. Oh my sweet. I don't know what I can say, since I'm so far away to physical do anything to help. But hear you, and you're not alone, I'm hear I'm listening. Have you got anyone who can come and give you abhandtake Joel out for an hour or two for an outing or vice versa someone look after Logan so Joel can have some mummy time.

    1. My mom takes the kids for me quite a bit. Ciena and Joel spend the night at her house almost every Saturday, so that helps, since they're the ones keeping me up at night and not the baby. Lol. I do have one on one time with Joel on the days that Ciena has just depends on what kind of mood Logan is in. I'm hoping that in the next month or so Logan will grow out of this fussy stage, and hopefully feel a lot better! Thanks so much!

  2. I feel like that sometimes too and I only have one child. I couldnt imagine what the years to come is going to bring me whether we have one more or three more.