Thursday, 19 July 2012

They're back:(

Logan's episodes that is. I am so frustrated,stressed, name it. A few weeks ago I was rocking Logan in the stroller, and I noticed that every time I pulled the stroller towards me he would have a small one. You almost wouldn't even notice it, if you weren't aware of them. I thought it was a fluke, and forgot about it. Well today was bad. I was getting ready to have a shower this morning, and I picked up Logan's bouncy seat(with him in it) and proceeded to carry him into the bathroom, something I do almost everyday. Well this time he had a few really bad episodes as soon as I started to walk with him. I put him down, and he calmed down.

I'm so lost right now. All day long he has been having them, and the weird thing is, they seem to be more prominent when he is rocked/pushed/pulled/lifted. It seems like they are related to motion. He has been on reflux meds for months, and the pedi was adamant that it was all related to the reflux/sandifers syndrome. And I agreed after they stopped cold after the meds were started. Rob brought up the fact that we  had started Logan on Soy formula per the ER pedi's request, to see if his wheeziness was due to a milk allergy/intolerance. He was on the soy for a total of 4 days, he hated it! Like, I almost had to force feed him every feeding. And even then he was drinking a fraction of what he normally drinks. So Rob suggested to me that maybe the episodes were happening because of the switch? I think both of us are kind of thinking of any possible reason, because the thought that there may not be a reason is stressing us...well, me, out.

I hate this. I hate this worry, it consumes my everyday, all day. All I do is worry about the kids, and while I know that's normal, I feel like the amount that I worry is over the top. It seems like it's all I think about. I imagine scenarios in my head where the kids are in harms way, or the kids are sick, or the kids are scared...I could go on. I hate the fact that my brain just goes into overdrive, and runs away with me. Coming off the heels of a week filled with an ear infection, croup, a baby who cannot sleep because his cough keeps him up. I need a break, and I feel like I'm whining, and I feel guilty because I know that there are parents who are dealing with things that I couldn't even imagine. And then I cry, and cry, and cry. Because the thought of that sends my anxiety through the roof. I feel like I'm drowning under all the worry, and stress. I would just love for one day that I could relax, and not feel the heaviness in my chest thinking about what could possibly be wrong with my kids:(

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