Monday, 9 July 2012

I hope everyone still likes big butts, and guts...and well everything:/

So, this post isn't so much about the kiddos. I mean in a roundabout way it is, but I need to get real for a second. I am overweight, according to my BMI I'm actually obese:(

I have struggled with my weight forever. Starting in my teenage years, thinking I was "fat" although looking back now, I realize how silly that was. I remember in the months before I got pregnant with Ciena. I had been working at a restaurant for over a year, so I had gained some weight. I'm sure anyone that has worked at a restaurant can attest to the weight gain that inevitably happens when you are surrounded by food all day.

I felt bad about myself, I wanted to lose a few pounds, which at that time was pretty easy. I joined a work biggest loser competition, and bam! Lost 5 pounds. I remember looking at myself from the side, and wanting to cry seeing my "gut" hang out. Yeah, it certainly was NOT a gut, but what can I say? I was young, and stupid.

You have a baby and all sorts of science fiction shit happens to your body. I kind of suspected that I wouldn't be one of those girls that got right back into my old body after I gave birth. And I was right. For quite a while, I was pretty clueless about my size. You know how you always think you look worse than you actually do? Well, I had the exact opposite problem. I thought I looked great! I mean, I had a bit of a tummy, but I fit into my old pants. So no problem right?! Wrong! I saw pics of myself, and it all hit me. I was fat. I didn't want to be like I was. But it wasn't until Rob and I talked about having another baby that I knew something had to be done. I had seen tons of commercials for L.A. Weight loss. I looked them up and made an appt. Long story short $800 later I had joined with the cheapest program they had. Bless my husband, since i put him on the spot with a phone call asking if I could join. He agreed.

It was easier than I thought it would be. I had a week of detoxing, in which I lost 6lbs! Definitely a motivator. Then I had a plan tailored to me. All in all I lost 31 lbs before getting pregnant.......then I miscarried. Now without turning this into a sobfest, I will just say that is was pretty much the suckiest time of my life. I was broken. I had gained 7 pounds in the 11 weeks that I was pregnant, but I put on much more in the months that followed, which also included another miscarriage. By the time I got pregnant with Joel I had gained all of the weight back, plus some. But he was a sticky baby, so I didn't care.

Fast forward 2 more years, and another baby. And I'm fat. And for some reason, I have zero motivation. I start out everyday with the best of intentions. But then I'll have a bad day that either prevents me from eating even remotely healthy, because I don't have the time. Or my fat girl logic will tell me "eat the rest of that ::insertunhealthyfoodhere:: that way it won't be there to tempt you tomorrow." Then I'll tell myself that I might as well go balls to the wall because I've already ruined my diet for the day anyway. It's a vicious cycle. And I desperately need to break it. I need to get healthy, for my kids, for my health, for my peace of mind. I struggle with eating right, I struggle with exercise, I struggle with thoughts of hating myself because just thinking about my kids should give me he push to get healthy and fit.....but it doesn't.

I definitely welcome any and all advice/motivation/chants of "you can do this" Because shit is getting real. The scale is going up, instead of down. And I deserve to feel good about myself.

No comments:

Post a Comment