There has never been a tie in my life, since I was 12 that I haven't been obsessed with my weight. At 12, I had a little baby fat, but there was certainly nothing "fat" about my body. A defining moment for me was in 7th grade. I was at a Much Music dance (Remember those?) I thought I looked pretty cute in my overalls, and sunflower shirt.....seriously, I swear that was the style! And a good looking boy from my homeroom pushed past me, saying "Move out of the way, rolls!" I was crushed. I promptly joined the other 20 teenage girls who were in the bathroom crying. After that day, I worried about my weight constantly. It was, and is all I think about most days. And after recently starting yet another "diet" this past week, and hating myself for wanting to give up, I have realized I have to make some real promises to myself.
- I will eat healthier. I will make better choices. Instead of chocolate, I will choose fruit. I will eat less pasta, and more veggies. Because, who am I kidding? I will never be able to quit pasta.
- I will make running a priority, not just a hobby that I like to do sometimes. I will make sure that I get out there everyday, and run, even if it's only 20 minutes.
- I will drink more water. A lot more.
- I will take better care of myself in general. Get more sleep, take more time for myself, to laugh, to smile, to do things that make my heart happy.
- I will stop bringing my weight up in every conversation I have....with everyone. I have noticed lately that I subconsciously bring up how fat I am in every conversation that I have. I guess because I have a need for people to know that I am aware of how unattractive I am, and that I have a problem. I always figure "they're probably thinking about it anyways, so I might as well mention it." Truth is, they're probably not thinking about it....unless they're assholes.
- When my husband tells me that I'm beautiful, and he loves me however I am....I will believe him. I will stop rolling my eyes, and making sarcastic comments.
- Along the same lines, when someone gives me a compliment, I will say thank you, and smile. Instead of thinking they are humoring me, or once again bringing up my weight.
- I will stop comparing myself to other women. I won't allow myself to wish I were someone else for something so ridiculous as my fat ass. That is unacceptable. I have so many things to be thankful for, and it is not fair to my family or myself for me to wish that I had so and so's abs, or so and so's hair, or so and so's skin. I have plenty of amazing qualities that make me who I am. I need to remember that.
- I will stop cutting myself down in my head. The things that I say to myself in my head are things I wouldn't even say to my worst enemy. So, why would I say them to myself?
- I will take away the control that food has over me. I will try and understand that I am capable of dealing with my emotions, and stress, and general day to day anxiety in other ways than stuffing my face.
- I will remind myself that I am raising 3 young impressionable people. And the things that come out of my mouth, and the worry that crosses my face when I get dressed, or step on the scale, are impacting them. I need for my daughter to know that her worth is NOT dependent on her size, or a number on the scale. And I want for my boys to understand that there is way more to a woman than her looks. I want them to tell women they are beautiful, and treat them in a respectable way, and never ever think that that number is as important as kindness, compassion, loyalty, honesty, and love.
- And lastly. I will eat to live, not live to eat. I spend much of my day stressing about mealtimes. I think about what I'm having for breakfast/lunch/dinner, and then I end up overeating, or eating the "wrong" thing, and feeling unbelievably guilty about it.
I am finished hating myself, and thinking that everyone around me is as preoccupied with my weight as I am. I am going to be the role model my kids deserve. I will be healthy, and strong, but I will not expect to be a size 6 now...or maybe ever. I will however, make certain my kids know that I love my body, at any size. It is mine, and it helped bring them into the world, and I am capable of being the person that I know I can be.