Friday, 25 July 2014

What is this place?

I'm having one of those days. You know the ones. The kids are screaming, you're tired, you're yelling way too much, the house  is a mess (and you don't have the energy to care) and then you see someone share one of those pictures on Facebook. You know, "Cherish every moment with your children, because when they're grown up, you'll miss this time." And then you get the overwhelming urge to scream at the offending poster for making you feel so shitty about the way you're feeling right in this moment.

I would be lying if I told you that my summer had been amazing so far. I mean, sure, I guess it's been pretty good. Spending a lot of time outside, playing in the pool, not having to be up and out waiting for the bus by 8. Awesome. But, man. I am overwhelmed. 3 kids never seemed like a lot to me. I got into a decent routine pretty early on, and yes, we had rough days, but these ages right now, they're tough. And there's 3 of them! I'm only one person. Ever since summer vacation started, shit has gotten real around here.

Ciena, wow. I love her to pieces, and she is a dream. I mean, she's 8. So, she's content to sit quietly, and watch a movie....or videos of some British guy playing Minecraft on Youtube. She likes to read, and she does this often. But, when she's pissed, she's like a hurricane. Unpredictable, noisy, and Hell bent on destroying everything in her path. The attitude I get on a daily basis is pretty ridiculous. She will tell me that I'm ruining her life, I just want to ruin her fun, and sometimes when she's feeling especially feisty, she'll just slam the door repeatedly. Fun, right! During the school year, I only have to deal with these episodes from 4-8 on weekdays, and on weekends. But, summer is here. And it's a 24/7 shitshow.

These boys are sucking the life force from me. For real. My house is destroyed....continuously. Like, I can't even keep up most days. I am constantly cleaning. I truly feel like they follow me around, and just throw shit around, just to make more work for me. Logan will watch me put clothes in a basket, and immediately take them all out while staring me down. They run, run, run through my house, which isn't that big. And they are both insanely clumsy, so you can guess where I'm going with this. I'm constantly telling them to stop running, but they don't. They both average on about 6 timeouts a day, and that's on a good day. Let's put it this way, one of Logan's first words, was "timeout" They fight constantly, and I mean that literally. There is not a moment that they are together, that they are not beating each other senselessly. I actually had to stop writing for 20 minutes, because Joel bit Logan......hard. Separately, they are both Angels. Put them together, and it is crazy. I grew up with a brother, and, while we fought, and it was sometimes physical, it wasn't even close to the level that I deal with when it comes to these two. I pray that this is normal, and that it doesn't mean that they hate each other subconsciously or something.

My house right now is completely ridiculous. It looks like we've been robbed....but they didn't take anything. And the worst part? I don't even care. I know I'll care tomorrow, when I'm spending all day cleaning, but right now, I'm just burnt out. I put a chicken in the slow cooker, and called it a day. And now, I'm pissed at myself that I didn't throw potatoes and veggies into the slow cooker too, because now I have to get up and cook them. I feel like a shitty wife. Rob works crazy hours. Most nights, he's not home until after 7, and I try really hard to not burst into tears the second he walks though the door. Out of relief, frustration, sadness, and sheer exhaustion. He's tired, I'm tired, the kids are never tired. My two older kids get me up at least twice a night still. Logan sleeps like a dream, thankfully.

I guess, I know I'm not alone. I'm sure there are other moms who are going through this exact.same.thing. (hopefully) and the good days outweigh the bad ones. But the bad days are so much longer, and so much more frequent. And wishing for September, and some routine makes me feel shitty. I'm here with 3 healthy, happy kids, and I'm wishing the time away. And I don't enjoy that, but I also know that the next person to tell me "Come on. Just enjoy them. These days go by too fast, and you're going to wish you'd cherished them more." is probably going to get throat punched.

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