It has been almost 2 years since we moved. Moved away from my entire family, moved away from the only home my children had ever known, moved away from the community that we loved. And 2 years later, I still hate it. I hate it so much I want to scream and cry, and throw things. Every day is just one more day in a house/area/community that I just don't want to be in.
I have been in school since September of 2016, and I really, really love it. That is one decision I'll never regret. The friends I have made, and the experiences that I've had, can't compare. But, now, in my second year of school, my first year in the ECE program, I feel like I'm slipping away from everything and everyone. I am busy in school 2 days a week, and in placement in a preschool room the other 3. I'm busy. And that always sounds silly to me, because I still don't feel like I do anything, or that I am accomplishing anything, which rationally I know isn't the case. But, I feel silly saying I'm tired, or stressed, or busy. But, I am. I see my kids for 2 hours in the morning, and that time is mostly spent yelling at them to get dressed, or eat their breakfast. I get home after 6 every night, with just enough time to mindlessly eat dinner, and kiss them good night. I know this isn't forever, I know that right now it's just hard, but it still makes me sad. Logan's teachers probably think I'm neglectful, or something, considering I hardly ever have time to read with him, or practice his words, or I forget it's my turn to make play doh for the class. I ask myself all the time if I'm neglecting these kids. Are they resenting me not being here when they get off the bus? Are they sad that I'm not there to watch them at swimming lessons? I don't know. It's just something I think about a lot.
My family. I am used to talking to my mom multiple times a day, and seeing her almost as often. But, since we've moved, I just don't have the time. My weekends are filled with homework, so I'm lucky if I see her once every few weeks. I try really hard to get out to see my grandparents every Sunday, but sometimes (like this weekend) I just have way too much to do, and can't manage to get over there. I try to see my nephew as much as I can. so that he doesn't forget who I am. But, living an hour away from everyone I love just really sucks. I had all these plans before we moved, about how I would make sure to visit everyone regularly, without realizing how difficult it would be.
My best friends. I haven't seen them in months. And lately I feel like we're drifting further and further apart, and I know I'm to blame for that. I want to be able to spend time with them on weekends we all have free, but, until April 20, my weekends are also full of insane amounts of homework, and homework pretty much kills the good vibe of any get together. I miss the days when I could drive 10 minutes and see them any time I wanted to. I miss being able to plan for any Saturday at all, because I never had anything going on. I tried to tell them that me moving wouldn't change anything, and I was wrong.
I don't want anyone to think I'm just completely miserable, and hate my life. That's not true at all. I wake up every single morning, thankful that I have the opportunity to go to school, and learn, and work towards a job that I will love. I know that I'm incredibly lucky, and I don't take any of it for granted. I am happy. I am happy that my kids are happy and healthy, and doing well in school. I'm happy that I have a husband who I would die for, but who I also want to kill on any given day. I'm happy that I get to spend 3 days a week with the sweetest little humans, and I will truly be sad in a few weeks when my time at this placement is finished. I'm happy. I just wish so badly that we were living in our own house, in the area that we love. And as much as I wish that would be our reality sometime soon, I know that it will be probably at least another 5 years before we can even start thinking about that. By that time, Ciena will be almost ready to graduate high school, and even typing that makes me count again because I am convinced that can't be right. We'll have teenagers who will be in high school, and uprooting them probably won't be something that we'll even consider. And, maybe by then, I'll feel totally different. I'll be working, and the kids will be self sufficient, and things won't seem so hard. I can only hope that by that time I'll have found a good balance and I'll be able to maintain relationships with the most important people in my life.
I hope that everyone I've mentioned knows that, even if we don't talk regularly, if we don't see each other as much as we'd like, I still love you all so much, and I will make up for all of this. I promise.
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