It's weeks like this one, where I remember what it was like to be a kid, and be looking forward to something so much just to not be able to do it. That heavy disappointment in your chest. Everything feels so much...more, when you're a kid. But I feel like that right now.
The weekend away that I have been planning for Rob, and I's anniversary for almost 2 months, that was suppose to be happening this weekend.....yeah, it's a no-go. We were suppose to go across the border to Niagara Falls NY. We were leaving Friday, and coming home Sunday. It's all I have been thinking about since I booked the hotel. Sleeping in, shopping, dinner, and time alone with my husband. It was going to be great. But after seriously looking at our finances, we kind of realized that it's not in the budget right now. Well, actually, HE said it's not in the budget right now....which he isn't wrong about. But that didn't stop me from bawling my eyes out for over an hour before I cancelled our hotel room. I felt like such a baby. Like, really?? This is not that important in the grand scheme of life, but to me, it really was.
Things around here have been hard lately. There are many days where I feel like my marriage is in serious danger. I have never been a quitter, and I don't plan on walking away, but the fear is still there. Mostly because of things that are out of my control, but are affecting me just the same. So, when I booked this trip I looked at it like a rescue of sorts. We needed this! To get away, to spend some time together, just the two of us. Time where I couldn't escape to my laptop, and Rob couldn't escape to his garage. Time where we were forced to spend an entire weekend together. We don't do anything alone anymore. It's not because of the kids, we pretty much always have a babysitter in my mom. She is more than willing to take the kids whenever she is able to. But, I guess ever since we had the kids, we haven't made our time together a priority. I would love to have "date nights" But I can't even bring that up to Rob, because then he tells me that all I ever want to do is "spend money" Even if my mom does take the kids overnight, Rob usually spends most of the day outside in the garage. If I cared at all to inhale gas, and oil, and watch him fix lawnmowers, then I guess I'd be in Heaven. So usually he'll come in at dinnertime, he'll eat in front of the t.v., and I'll eat at the table. Then a little while later I'll hear him snoring in his chair. Fun, right?? I just wanted this weekend, I wanted the time together.
I guess there wasn't much point to this post, other than me being a whiny baby. Venting my frustrations about the whole situation. Which is partly my fault. Our finances haven't been great for quite some time, but I still buy a ton of stuff that we don't need. I think the fact that we are home all day, and sometimes bored plays a part in the spending. Not to mention that grocery shopping kills us! There are a ton of changes that we need to make around here. I get that. I just wish we hadn't realized that this weekend:(