It's the holiday season, why am I so effing miserable? I have been doing everything I can to try and get myself out of this funk. But, it's not working. I mean, I have a pretty good idea why I feel the way I do....the stress of life.
Money is really tight right now, as in....we have none. ;) I of course have been doing what I do best when there's no money, spending it. I swear, I need therapy to deal with my shopping. There has to be an underlying reason for this shit. I find myself obsessed with giving my kids a good Christmas, and have went way overboard. Even though, in my heart I know, they would be perfectly happy with just a couple presents, and Logan would be happy with a box. But, I almost feel like I'm doing the same thing my mom did when we were growing up. Overspend on us to shield us from the fact that money was so tight.
The kids for the most part are amazing. Logan hasn't had any episodes since Halloween, not that that means anything. But it still makes me happy. Joel just turned 3, and Ciena is doing great in school! But I still worry about them every damn day. I worry that something is wrong with Logan, and we're just missing it. He won't crawl, he won't pull himself up, he won't eat anything but purees, and even though I've seen him do it, he will not roll from his belly to his back.....which makes nap time difficult because he sleeps on his tummy. Ciena's sleepwalking/night terrors, and bed wetting are out of control. She usually goes in spurts with both, and has a good month or two, and then it's just bad. Well, lately, it's been bad. For the past week, she has been sleepwalking, and/or having night terrors every night. And as I've noticed, if she sleepwalks, she is almost guaranteed to wet the bed. The two are definitely linked. I've started making her wear goodnights to bed. She hates them, and that makes me sad. But I was literally washing linens every single day. Joel, well, he's just Joel. ;) But, he's great.
Sometimes, I don't really feel like a grown up. But not in a good way. I stay at home, so I don't have a job. Which means I don't earn any money. And even though what's his is mine....I don't always feel that way. Especially because I have such bad spending habits, although he always tells me that his spending habits aren't any better. I don't have any post-secondary education. And Rob, and I both want for me to go back to work once all the kids are in school full time. What will I do. By that time, I'll be 33 years old. I don't want to waitress, or work in retail. Nothing against those jobs, I've done those jobs. I just never thought I would regret not having gone to college. But, I do. I would love to take a course, but I have no idea what I would even want to do, and I don't have the money to pay for one. Lose-lose. I have never been approved for a credit card, because I have no credit. What grown woman doesn't have credit cards?! I guess, I just don't feel like I have anything. Except kids, which is amazing. I just wish I felt more like a grown up.
My weight. I seriously wonder if there will ever be a time when my weight isn't always in the back of my mind? I feel really, really shitty. I'm fat. Not chubby, fat. And for some reason I can't find my motivation. I try every single day to tell myself, "today is a new day, start fresh. You can do it!" But, I don't. Maybe it's boredom, maybe it's emotional, maybe it's just because I'm weak. Either way, I'm not happy. Looking at myself in the mirror, kills me. I don't want any new clothes, I pretty much just hate myself. And that is a difficult feeling to have, especially when I am trying to raise a daughter that loves herself, no matter what. The last thing I want, is for Ciena to feel this way, and for it to be my fault. I need to figure out a solution, "one day at a time" hasn't been working for me. I'm just tired of being the fat girl. I'm tired of thinking everywhere I go, people are judging me. And, even though I know that it is partly my anxiety, and OCD, I'm also tired of going to family get togethers, and thinking that even my family is looking at me with disgust. I just want to feel good about myself.
Once again, thanks for listening, friends.