I've never been one to shy away from talking about mental illness, and how it has impacted my life. In fact, I'm pretty much an open book about everything, so why not this, something that is (as much as it bothers me) a huge part of my life.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. I mean, it didn't get really bad until I was 12, but even as a young child I remember worrying about everything. To the point where I would give myself stomach aches, or migraines. And I also remember having times of debilitating sadness that would stop me in my tracks, and confuse me terribly. I used to refer to it as the "sad feeling" I would tell my mom I had the sad feeling, and she would hold me until I felt better, well, good enough that I could get on with my day anyways. I used to wish and wish I could grow up so I could never have to feel that way again. Obviously, at 6 you think that being an adult is easier than what you're going through. Huh.
I have been on and off antidepressants and anti anxiety meds since I was 14. I need them....always. But, I hate going to the doctor, my doctor in particular. (Now this is the part where I panic because living in a small area means that there is a very good chance you know someone who is related to and/or good friends with said doctor) But, oh well. Being honest, he never gives me a large enough dose, and in fact my old therapist was shocked that someone with my issues (OCD,GAD,PPD) was on such a low dose. She fixed that immediately, and asked to be in charge of my meds. Well, that was 5 years ago, and here I am. I am not on meds, I am not in therapy, and I am struggling. Big time.
I am overwhelmed, with the normal things. Kids, marriage, House, finding time for yourself. And I often ask myself, is this a normal reaction to being overwhelmed, or is this something bigger? And, in the back of my head, I know, depression and anxiety can't really be cured. Only treated. And I know I need to be on meds, but that means going in to see my doctor, and advocating for myself when he insists on putting me on a low dose, or refuses to give me anything to help me sleep, or help with my panic attacks, which are happening daily at this point. I feel like a different person. I am worried about everything, I have moments of pure rage, which is how depression manifests itself for me most of the time, and I have moments of such sadness, that I feel like my chest is burning, and my head will explode.
I feel like my kids deserve better. Better than a mom who yells, and loses her patience, and just can't get her shit together. I look around my house, and it's disorganized and messy, and yet, thinking about getting up and cleaning, and doing everything that needs to be done exhausts me. Who am I? When did I turn into this person? I have these amazing kids, and I can't seem to let that be the most important thing. I feel selfish, and weak. And I know that this isn't my fault, but damn, it's hard not to feel that way.
I'm not even sure why I feel these feelings so intensely this morning. I have a puppy, and a 3 year old....which are almost the same thing, who are intent on destroying the house. I feel unmotivated, and exhausted, and then I feel panicked when I see how much laundry I have to do, and I notice that the dog has chewed up 3 rolls of toilet paper, and the toddler has dumped Lego everywhere. And when I get upset, he tells me "I hate you" and all I can think is, yeah. That seems about right. This stuff isn't hard. It's just life and parenting. But, I can't stop myself from crying in the bathroom, and attempting to do deep breathing exercises while he kicks my bedroom door.
Before I wrap this up, please don't think I'm doing this for attention, or that this is a cry for help. I'm the only one that can help me, I know that well enough. But, that means picking up the phone and making a doctor's appointment. And that's usually where I get stalled. In the meantime, how do you cope when you feel like never leaving your bed? How do you get up every morning, and put a smile on your face, and try your hardest to not let this affect your children? That's the hardest part for me. My kids know I'm human, they understand that everyone has bad days, and sometimes needs a breather. But, I'm starting to be very fearful that this will affect them negatively. How do I take time for myself without feeling selfish? How do I explain this need to a partner who maybe doesn't understand how much I'm struggling? I just don't know...
As always, thanks for listening, as odd as it sounds, putting all of my feelings out there helps.
Wednesday, 13 May 2015
Thursday, 9 April 2015
Making promises to myself
This is going to be a brain dump, so bear with me. I know I talk a lot about my weight. Truth is, it's on the forefront of my mind all.day.long. And that is not an exaggeration. Today I was thinking about the way I perceive myself, and the way others might perceive me. And, I had a lot of feelings. And I'm going to share them. Because getting it out there makes me feel better. Because maybe some of you will read this and feel less alone in your feelings. Because I need to make some changes. For myself, for my family, and for my kids especially, who are little people with their own personalities, and ideas, but also listen intently to everything around them....even when I think they're not.
There has never been a tie in my life, since I was 12 that I haven't been obsessed with my weight. At 12, I had a little baby fat, but there was certainly nothing "fat" about my body. A defining moment for me was in 7th grade. I was at a Much Music dance (Remember those?) I thought I looked pretty cute in my overalls, and sunflower shirt.....seriously, I swear that was the style! And a good looking boy from my homeroom pushed past me, saying "Move out of the way, rolls!" I was crushed. I promptly joined the other 20 teenage girls who were in the bathroom crying. After that day, I worried about my weight constantly. It was, and is all I think about most days. And after recently starting yet another "diet" this past week, and hating myself for wanting to give up, I have realized I have to make some real promises to myself.
I am finished hating myself, and thinking that everyone around me is as preoccupied with my weight as I am. I am going to be the role model my kids deserve. I will be healthy, and strong, but I will not expect to be a size 6 now...or maybe ever. I will however, make certain my kids know that I love my body, at any size. It is mine, and it helped bring them into the world, and I am capable of being the person that I know I can be.
There has never been a tie in my life, since I was 12 that I haven't been obsessed with my weight. At 12, I had a little baby fat, but there was certainly nothing "fat" about my body. A defining moment for me was in 7th grade. I was at a Much Music dance (Remember those?) I thought I looked pretty cute in my overalls, and sunflower shirt.....seriously, I swear that was the style! And a good looking boy from my homeroom pushed past me, saying "Move out of the way, rolls!" I was crushed. I promptly joined the other 20 teenage girls who were in the bathroom crying. After that day, I worried about my weight constantly. It was, and is all I think about most days. And after recently starting yet another "diet" this past week, and hating myself for wanting to give up, I have realized I have to make some real promises to myself.
- I will eat healthier. I will make better choices. Instead of chocolate, I will choose fruit. I will eat less pasta, and more veggies. Because, who am I kidding? I will never be able to quit pasta.
- I will make running a priority, not just a hobby that I like to do sometimes. I will make sure that I get out there everyday, and run, even if it's only 20 minutes.
- I will drink more water. A lot more.
- I will take better care of myself in general. Get more sleep, take more time for myself, to laugh, to smile, to do things that make my heart happy.
- I will stop bringing my weight up in every conversation I have....with everyone. I have noticed lately that I subconsciously bring up how fat I am in every conversation that I have. I guess because I have a need for people to know that I am aware of how unattractive I am, and that I have a problem. I always figure "they're probably thinking about it anyways, so I might as well mention it." Truth is, they're probably not thinking about it....unless they're assholes.
- When my husband tells me that I'm beautiful, and he loves me however I am....I will believe him. I will stop rolling my eyes, and making sarcastic comments.
- Along the same lines, when someone gives me a compliment, I will say thank you, and smile. Instead of thinking they are humoring me, or once again bringing up my weight.
- I will stop comparing myself to other women. I won't allow myself to wish I were someone else for something so ridiculous as my fat ass. That is unacceptable. I have so many things to be thankful for, and it is not fair to my family or myself for me to wish that I had so and so's abs, or so and so's hair, or so and so's skin. I have plenty of amazing qualities that make me who I am. I need to remember that.
- I will stop cutting myself down in my head. The things that I say to myself in my head are things I wouldn't even say to my worst enemy. So, why would I say them to myself?
- I will take away the control that food has over me. I will try and understand that I am capable of dealing with my emotions, and stress, and general day to day anxiety in other ways than stuffing my face.
- I will remind myself that I am raising 3 young impressionable people. And the things that come out of my mouth, and the worry that crosses my face when I get dressed, or step on the scale, are impacting them. I need for my daughter to know that her worth is NOT dependent on her size, or a number on the scale. And I want for my boys to understand that there is way more to a woman than her looks. I want them to tell women they are beautiful, and treat them in a respectable way, and never ever think that that number is as important as kindness, compassion, loyalty, honesty, and love.
- And lastly. I will eat to live, not live to eat. I spend much of my day stressing about mealtimes. I think about what I'm having for breakfast/lunch/dinner, and then I end up overeating, or eating the "wrong" thing, and feeling unbelievably guilty about it.
I am finished hating myself, and thinking that everyone around me is as preoccupied with my weight as I am. I am going to be the role model my kids deserve. I will be healthy, and strong, but I will not expect to be a size 6 now...or maybe ever. I will however, make certain my kids know that I love my body, at any size. It is mine, and it helped bring them into the world, and I am capable of being the person that I know I can be.
Wednesday, 4 March 2015
Losing my identity
I am a "typical" woman. I worry way too much about what people think of me, I put far too many expectations on myself, I dream of doing amazing things.
I am also a mother. A stay at home mom to be exact. And while I feel so lucky to be able to be at home with my kids, I feel envious of having a different life. Not a life without my kids, no matter how much they manage to annoy/aggravate/grate on my nerves, they are, and always will be the most important thing in my life.
I never went to college. I mean, I didn't even graduate high school until I was 20, so by the time I got through that, I really didn't think college was for me. And, after I graduated, and immediately moved in with my husband. I also never really worked. Well, actually, I did, but only at one job. After Rob and I moved in together I applied to tons of jobs and got a job as a server. I wasn't particularly good at it, but it was a job, and it paid the bills. But, what I'm trying to say is, I didn't really do anything to further myself. I jumped head first into a relationship, and almost forgot about everything I had wanted to do with my life. And, it never really bothered me....until now.
I have taken a lot of shit for being a stay at home mom. Not just from complete strangers, but family, and friends alike. I think people have a lot of preconceived notions about what being a stay at home mom is all about, and the reasons why a family might make that choice. I'm always happy to answer questions, but when I start to feel attacked, or put down, then I'm out. It's a choice that's not for everyone, and a choice that is not feasible for everyone, either. I've always known that I was lucky to have this choice.
I have been home with kids for 9 years. That's a long fucking time. And before that, I only had 1 job. I am quite literally, qualified for nothing. My days consist of wiping noses, and butts, cleaning up after a toddler who makes it his personal goal to undo all the work I attempt in a day. I clean, I clean all day long. I almost never have a moment to sit, and do something that I actually want to do. But, this isn't me whining about how horrible this is. I also sleep in until 7 most days. Rob gets up at 5 with all of the kids, and leaves for work at 6. I have a wonderful, and helpful daughter who knows that I will not get up before 7, unless there's an emergency. She gets the boys breakfast, helps Logan with potty breaks, and gets him dressed. She is amazing. I am able to do whatever I want during the day. If I want to go out for lunch, I can, if I want to take Logan to the park, I can, if I want to just drive for an hour, I can. I don't really have a schedule, and don't book many appointments since Logan has stopped most of his therapies. Now, granted, I usually don't leave the house unless I absolutely have to, but the option is there.
One thing that nobody tells you when you decide to become a stay at home mom is, it's lonely. I have only a 3 year old to talk to until 4pm when the older 2 get home. And then, they do their own thing while I cook. There are moms groups, and play centres, but I've found these to be really cliquey and I inevitably start to feel like I'm back in middle school. So, I tend to avoid them.
I feel unappreciated. And a lot of the time, unloved. I'm with my kids for 13 hours a day while Rob works. Most nights he's home well after they've went to bed. I'm always the bad guy. With me being the only parent here all day, there is nobody else to discipline them, and I hear "I hate you!" far more often than I'd like to admit. Then, Rob comes home and says "How was your day?" and I can't even muster a smile. Then he'll say "What did you do today, besides clean, and cook, and referee the kids?" And, even though he says this with a smile on his face, and I know he's being silly, and trying to cheer me up, it makes me want to fucking slaughter him. For no particular reason other than, I'm stressed, I'm overwhelmed, I'm stretched way beyond my means.
I feel like my identity has been lost in this house, in these past 9 years. I used to have dreams, goals, things I was working towards. Now, what do I have? I look forward to the Saturdays that my mom takes my kids overnight so I can sit, or sleep, or take a bath...pretty much do anything by myself. I used to want so much more for myself. Things that I could still be with kids. But now, I just can't even think let alone think about what I want to do with my life. I want to go to school, I want to travel, I want to spend time alone with my husband so that we can actually talk to each other.
I guess I'm saying, as much as I love staying home with my kids, I think about the future. What will I be when my kids are all in school? I wish I could go to school, but there's just not money for that. I would love a career, something that I love that would feel fulfilling. I'm really afraid that my kids just won't respect me when they're older because I wasn't successful at anything. And essentially, the only thing that I've done in this life that is of any importance, is have these children. And while that's something that overcomes me with joy when I look at these amazing kids, I would also love if my kids could look at me and say "I'm really proud of all she's done in her life"
I really have no idea what I'll be doing in 18 months when I have 3 kids in school full time. All I can hope is, I'm doing it with purpose.
I am also a mother. A stay at home mom to be exact. And while I feel so lucky to be able to be at home with my kids, I feel envious of having a different life. Not a life without my kids, no matter how much they manage to annoy/aggravate/grate on my nerves, they are, and always will be the most important thing in my life.
I never went to college. I mean, I didn't even graduate high school until I was 20, so by the time I got through that, I really didn't think college was for me. And, after I graduated, and immediately moved in with my husband. I also never really worked. Well, actually, I did, but only at one job. After Rob and I moved in together I applied to tons of jobs and got a job as a server. I wasn't particularly good at it, but it was a job, and it paid the bills. But, what I'm trying to say is, I didn't really do anything to further myself. I jumped head first into a relationship, and almost forgot about everything I had wanted to do with my life. And, it never really bothered me....until now.
I have taken a lot of shit for being a stay at home mom. Not just from complete strangers, but family, and friends alike. I think people have a lot of preconceived notions about what being a stay at home mom is all about, and the reasons why a family might make that choice. I'm always happy to answer questions, but when I start to feel attacked, or put down, then I'm out. It's a choice that's not for everyone, and a choice that is not feasible for everyone, either. I've always known that I was lucky to have this choice.
I have been home with kids for 9 years. That's a long fucking time. And before that, I only had 1 job. I am quite literally, qualified for nothing. My days consist of wiping noses, and butts, cleaning up after a toddler who makes it his personal goal to undo all the work I attempt in a day. I clean, I clean all day long. I almost never have a moment to sit, and do something that I actually want to do. But, this isn't me whining about how horrible this is. I also sleep in until 7 most days. Rob gets up at 5 with all of the kids, and leaves for work at 6. I have a wonderful, and helpful daughter who knows that I will not get up before 7, unless there's an emergency. She gets the boys breakfast, helps Logan with potty breaks, and gets him dressed. She is amazing. I am able to do whatever I want during the day. If I want to go out for lunch, I can, if I want to take Logan to the park, I can, if I want to just drive for an hour, I can. I don't really have a schedule, and don't book many appointments since Logan has stopped most of his therapies. Now, granted, I usually don't leave the house unless I absolutely have to, but the option is there.
One thing that nobody tells you when you decide to become a stay at home mom is, it's lonely. I have only a 3 year old to talk to until 4pm when the older 2 get home. And then, they do their own thing while I cook. There are moms groups, and play centres, but I've found these to be really cliquey and I inevitably start to feel like I'm back in middle school. So, I tend to avoid them.
I feel unappreciated. And a lot of the time, unloved. I'm with my kids for 13 hours a day while Rob works. Most nights he's home well after they've went to bed. I'm always the bad guy. With me being the only parent here all day, there is nobody else to discipline them, and I hear "I hate you!" far more often than I'd like to admit. Then, Rob comes home and says "How was your day?" and I can't even muster a smile. Then he'll say "What did you do today, besides clean, and cook, and referee the kids?" And, even though he says this with a smile on his face, and I know he's being silly, and trying to cheer me up, it makes me want to fucking slaughter him. For no particular reason other than, I'm stressed, I'm overwhelmed, I'm stretched way beyond my means.
I feel like my identity has been lost in this house, in these past 9 years. I used to have dreams, goals, things I was working towards. Now, what do I have? I look forward to the Saturdays that my mom takes my kids overnight so I can sit, or sleep, or take a bath...pretty much do anything by myself. I used to want so much more for myself. Things that I could still be with kids. But now, I just can't even think let alone think about what I want to do with my life. I want to go to school, I want to travel, I want to spend time alone with my husband so that we can actually talk to each other.
I guess I'm saying, as much as I love staying home with my kids, I think about the future. What will I be when my kids are all in school? I wish I could go to school, but there's just not money for that. I would love a career, something that I love that would feel fulfilling. I'm really afraid that my kids just won't respect me when they're older because I wasn't successful at anything. And essentially, the only thing that I've done in this life that is of any importance, is have these children. And while that's something that overcomes me with joy when I look at these amazing kids, I would also love if my kids could look at me and say "I'm really proud of all she's done in her life"
I really have no idea what I'll be doing in 18 months when I have 3 kids in school full time. All I can hope is, I'm doing it with purpose.
Monday, 19 January 2015
Cash
I apologize in advance, this might be all over the place, and may not make sense. It also may be hard for some to read, because I am going to be describing traumatic details of the accident, and Cash's death. I'm going to start from the beginning, in hopes that this will help me sort some of this out, as well as not have this post be more rambly than necessary.
Friday morning was like any other morning. Rob left for work at 6, and around 6:30 I got up to get the kids ready for school. Friday is garbage day here. Rob and I had started not letting Cash out until after 8 on Friday mornings, so we knew for sure the garbage truck had gone. Cash loved garbage, not unlike any dog. But, we had noticed lately that what we thought was a wild animal going through our garbage across the street in the morning, was actually Cash. And since we knew he would risk life and limb for garbage, we thought that making sure the temptation wasn't there was for the best.
The only thing is, for some reason, this Friday, I didn't even think about it. It was around 7am, and Cash was whining at the door, and without even thinking, I opened the door, and let him out. A decision I will regret for the rest of my life. He wasn't even outside for 5 minutes, when I heard the most horrible, awful sound I've ever heard. Screaming. Screaming so loud, and so horrifying that it is forever burned into my brain. I knew, I knew right away. I threw open the door, and bolted to the end of my driveway, through 2 feet of snow, in my socks. He was howling at the end of the driveway. There was no car, but I knew what had happened. I didn't see the car hit him, but, I could tell that it was his back end. All of a sudden, a car appeared. A man and a woman bounded out. Both extremely distraught, and apologetic. "He popped up out of the garbage at the last second. I'm so sorry, I didn't even see him!" I didn't feel anger at the driver. I didn't blame him....I blamed myself. I let him out, knowing it was garbage day. It was dark, and Cash was black, I knew that it wasn't the drivers fault. It was at this time, that I was trying to assess Cash's injuries, and figure out whether or not I could get him into the house. The couple offered to help, but Cash didn't want them anywhere near him. He hated strangers, and he was in a lot of pain. I told them to just go. And I started gently leading Cash by his collar into the house. He was in pain, but I honestly thought he would be fine. He was limping, but he was able to walk, with me leading him. We made it the 50ft to the porch, and then he refused to move. He has a fear of steps on a good day, and now, with his back half not working properly, he wasn't having any of it. I walked up the steps to open the door, and Cash climbed up on his own, and into the house, where he immediately laid down. He wouldn't let me check out his back legs, but I could only assume that's where he was hit. But, I still didn't think he wouldn't make it through this. I even told Ciena that Cash wouldn't die. Why would I say that?
Cash was whining, but he was coherent, and didn't seem to be in shock, so I was hopeful. I called my mom right away to come get the kids on the bus, so I could get him to the vet. But, when I called the emergency line, they said they closed at 8, so my best bet would be to just take Cash to the vet's office for 8am. After we got the kids on the bus, I got ready to load Cash into the van. But, when I tried to get him up, he screamed and screamed. Now, Cash is 130lbs. He is big, and in pain. There was no way that I, or my mother, or both of us, would be able to get him into the vehicle. I needed my husband. When I finally got a hold of him, he left work right away, and rushed home. I had called the vet's office, so they were expecting us.
When Rob showed up, we worked fast. We slid a blanket under him, as gently as possible. He howled in pain the entire time, but once we lifted him, he relaxed. Maybe he knew that we wouldn't d anything to intentionally hurt him. We got to the office, and got a muzzle on him, since he wasn't to keen on strangers touching him, especially in the kind of pain he was in.
The first thing the vet did was take his vitals. She said his temp was good, his lungs sounded clear, his gums, and his colour looked good. She said his heart was a little fast, but not fast enough to be worrisome, and it was probably associated with the pain. She felt his legs, and said nothing felt broken, so she was mainly worried about his hips, but since he had a lot of padding, she was hopeful. So, they sent us off for coffee so they could do x-rays. I felt sick. I just wanted her to say he was just banged and bruised. And, honestly, I thought that was what she would say. There was no way anything really could be wrong. Cash was stubborn, and sweet, and protective, and healthy! He would be fine. He had to be.
When we got back to the office, they weren't quite finished, so we had to wait another 15 minutes, which was torture. But, they finally called us back. As soon as the vet came in, I knew it wasn't good. She showed us x-ray after x-ray. Each one worse than the one before it. Cash's right hip was completely out of joint. The vet explained that when that happens, not only does the hip pop out, but it tears the muscles, and everything with it. She also pointed out that Cash's tailbone was crushed. And, he was actually peeing involuntarily while they were x-raying him. So, there was concern that Cash's nerves were damaged. While they were moving him, he was almost oblivious, so there was a good chance that he had nerve damage that resulted in loss of feeling. The vet told us that the nerve damage aside, she could try and pop his hip back into joint, but he would then need to have his leg in a sling for 2 weeks, and he would not be able to move, which would mean being carried outside for bathroom breaks. Now, like I said, Cash is 130lbs, I am a stay at home mom, it would be up to me to get him outside, and there would be no way. Not only that, he would have to not move, and we would hope that scar tissue would form to hold his hip in place, which we were told very rarely works.
She also told us that we were free to have a consult with an orthopaedic surgeon, to discuss whether or not there was anything that could be done surgically. But, she warned us that the starting costs for something like that were around $3000, and she was pretty sure Cash's nerve damage was the larger issue, and that would prevent him from having a normal, or decent quality of life. So she left us alone to discuss our options. I already knew what was going to happen. Even if we did have $3000(at least) to spend, we had no idea if this would give him a life quality that we knew he deserved. We cried, and hugged. I said I was sorry over and over. I let Cash out, I felt to blame for this. Rob told me repeatedly that it was NOT my fault. We both knew that this was a danger as far as Cash was concerned. We both failed. We knew that Cash wandered to the road, we failed him. Rob was convinced that I hated him, because he was the one saying that we couldn't put out the money. But, we both knew that wasn't an option. We had 3 kids, and we had a doctor telling us that she thought the nerve damage was too extensive for him to make a recovery. We made the most humane decision for him.
Talking about making the decision to euthanize, and actually doing it create such different emotions. This was a situation where we had a dog that couldn't move. He was big, and in pain. It wasn't like we could take him home, and have some time with him. It had to be done now. Thinking about my kids made my stomach ache. I had told my daughter that her dog would not die. And I didn't think I was just saying that. I truly believed it. And now, here we were. Thinking about how I would tell them was making me physically ill.
We asked if Cash was still sedated, or if he was awake. We wanted to spend some time with him before we let him go. She led us through the doors, it wasn't a peaceful environment. They had him on a blanket on the floor, with all of the animal cages around him. Obviously this wasn't where any of us wanted to do this, but like I said. He's a big dog that's hard to move, and even harder when he's in pain. He was awake, but he was really groggy. We both sat down, with his head in my lap, we told him how much he was loved. We told him how proud we were to be a part of his life. We told him what an amazing protector he was for our family. We rubbed his head, and his paws, and his belly, and just loved him. We looked into his eyes, and knew that he knew what was happening, and that made it even worse. We told the vet we were ready, and she warned us that it would take a few minutes, and we might notice some twitching, and funny movements. I remembered how quick it was with Max 4 years earlier, so the second she started to inject him, I held him and just repeated to him over and over "We love you, you are so loved, we love you, you are so loved." And his breathing got more rapid, and it sounded like he was snoring, and then he seemed still. She checked his heart, and said he was just sleeping, that he needed a little more. Like I said, big dog. After she gave him the second injection, I knew he was gone. I felt it. I felt empty. He was gone. Just like that.
We left immediately, and went to the kids' school to pick them up. We wanted to be together as a family, and we wanted to tell them right away. As I was signing the kids out, I heard Ciena talking to Rob. "Daddy, sis you hear about Cash?" "Is he at the vet?" "Are we going to get him?" I could hear Rob skirting around every question, wanting to not be in the school when we discussed this. As soon as everyone was buckled, I told them that Cash wasn't coming home. We explained what happened, and tried our best to answer their questions. I sat in the back holding my daughter as she sobbed. Joel, being 5 was slightly upset, but he was thinking of other things almost instantly. Logan obviously didn't understand anything beyond "Cash dead"
Our home was anything but a safe haven. Rob immediately got to work busying himself with housework to keep his mind occupied. I just layed on the couch and cried. But, little did I know, the worst was yet to come. Every day I wake up feeling worse than the one before. I can't even explain the level of grief I'm feeling. I have lost many beloved people in my life, relatives that I was extremely close to, and the grief I felt then, doesn't even touch the way I'm feeling now. Every detail of my day involved my dog. He slept at the foot of out bed, and after Rob would leave for work, he would lay down on the floor by my side of the bed. He would go outside with the kids and I, and wait for the bus with us, then he would bark at me constantly after they drive off, waiting for me to let him into the house. He was my shadow, he was my protector. If someone pulled into our driveway that Cash didn't know, he would stand in between me, and them, and not let them get anywhere near me. During naptime, he would lay on my lap while I read on the couch. He made my days better, he made my days so full of love and companionship. Now, I have never felt so lonely. Walking back up to the house today after the kids got o the bus, was the loneliest walk I've ever taken. It was so debilitating, that I had Rob get them off the bus this afternoon, because I just couldn't handle it. I don't know how to cope with this feeling. I can't sleep, because every time I close my eyes, I can hear his screaming. I flutter between wanting to adopt another dog right away, to never wanting another one again, every 10 minutes. The loneliness is almost crippling. I couldn't wait for Logan to take his nap, so that I could cry. And that's what I did. For the entirety of his 2 hour nap, I sobbed, I called my dog, I screamed to my dog like a complete lunatic. I counted down the minutes until Rob got home, so that I had someone to talk to, someone who understood how I felt.
Not knowing if my dog is safe, or happy, or missing me, or surrounded by love, makes my heart break. I'm so desperate for answers that I have been reading up on pets in the afterlife, and desperately grasping for anything to let me know that he's alright. I just need a sign, a small one, a large one, I don't care. I miss my friend. I miss the way he used to stop before taking a step because he had the biggest problem getting up and down them. The way he used to wait until Rob would get off the couch, and immediately take his spot. The way he would come into the bathroom while I was taking a bath, and lick the water off the edge of the tub, it seemed so gross at the time, but now I just miss it so much. He loved us, he loved us all so deeply that it hurts to think about it. He loved my kids, and would do anything to protect them. He was the greatest friend I've ever had, and now he's gone. I can't make sense of any of this. I just want to feel this less. I want to feel one second of happiness that isn't followed by 20 minutes of complete devastation. I've just never felt so alone in my life. Sometimes my sadness feels so deep that it terrifies me, and makes me think I'll never feel better. I have no desire to leave my house, or to be around people. I can't sleep, I can't eat without feeling sick, and throwing up. And as much as people keep telling me that it will get easier and easier to cope, I just don't believe that right now. All I can see right now, is darkness.
I just pray that my friend is safe and happy, and knows how much he is loved. I hope he can still feel that, wherever he is.
Friday morning was like any other morning. Rob left for work at 6, and around 6:30 I got up to get the kids ready for school. Friday is garbage day here. Rob and I had started not letting Cash out until after 8 on Friday mornings, so we knew for sure the garbage truck had gone. Cash loved garbage, not unlike any dog. But, we had noticed lately that what we thought was a wild animal going through our garbage across the street in the morning, was actually Cash. And since we knew he would risk life and limb for garbage, we thought that making sure the temptation wasn't there was for the best.
The only thing is, for some reason, this Friday, I didn't even think about it. It was around 7am, and Cash was whining at the door, and without even thinking, I opened the door, and let him out. A decision I will regret for the rest of my life. He wasn't even outside for 5 minutes, when I heard the most horrible, awful sound I've ever heard. Screaming. Screaming so loud, and so horrifying that it is forever burned into my brain. I knew, I knew right away. I threw open the door, and bolted to the end of my driveway, through 2 feet of snow, in my socks. He was howling at the end of the driveway. There was no car, but I knew what had happened. I didn't see the car hit him, but, I could tell that it was his back end. All of a sudden, a car appeared. A man and a woman bounded out. Both extremely distraught, and apologetic. "He popped up out of the garbage at the last second. I'm so sorry, I didn't even see him!" I didn't feel anger at the driver. I didn't blame him....I blamed myself. I let him out, knowing it was garbage day. It was dark, and Cash was black, I knew that it wasn't the drivers fault. It was at this time, that I was trying to assess Cash's injuries, and figure out whether or not I could get him into the house. The couple offered to help, but Cash didn't want them anywhere near him. He hated strangers, and he was in a lot of pain. I told them to just go. And I started gently leading Cash by his collar into the house. He was in pain, but I honestly thought he would be fine. He was limping, but he was able to walk, with me leading him. We made it the 50ft to the porch, and then he refused to move. He has a fear of steps on a good day, and now, with his back half not working properly, he wasn't having any of it. I walked up the steps to open the door, and Cash climbed up on his own, and into the house, where he immediately laid down. He wouldn't let me check out his back legs, but I could only assume that's where he was hit. But, I still didn't think he wouldn't make it through this. I even told Ciena that Cash wouldn't die. Why would I say that?
Cash was whining, but he was coherent, and didn't seem to be in shock, so I was hopeful. I called my mom right away to come get the kids on the bus, so I could get him to the vet. But, when I called the emergency line, they said they closed at 8, so my best bet would be to just take Cash to the vet's office for 8am. After we got the kids on the bus, I got ready to load Cash into the van. But, when I tried to get him up, he screamed and screamed. Now, Cash is 130lbs. He is big, and in pain. There was no way that I, or my mother, or both of us, would be able to get him into the vehicle. I needed my husband. When I finally got a hold of him, he left work right away, and rushed home. I had called the vet's office, so they were expecting us.
When Rob showed up, we worked fast. We slid a blanket under him, as gently as possible. He howled in pain the entire time, but once we lifted him, he relaxed. Maybe he knew that we wouldn't d anything to intentionally hurt him. We got to the office, and got a muzzle on him, since he wasn't to keen on strangers touching him, especially in the kind of pain he was in.
The first thing the vet did was take his vitals. She said his temp was good, his lungs sounded clear, his gums, and his colour looked good. She said his heart was a little fast, but not fast enough to be worrisome, and it was probably associated with the pain. She felt his legs, and said nothing felt broken, so she was mainly worried about his hips, but since he had a lot of padding, she was hopeful. So, they sent us off for coffee so they could do x-rays. I felt sick. I just wanted her to say he was just banged and bruised. And, honestly, I thought that was what she would say. There was no way anything really could be wrong. Cash was stubborn, and sweet, and protective, and healthy! He would be fine. He had to be.
When we got back to the office, they weren't quite finished, so we had to wait another 15 minutes, which was torture. But, they finally called us back. As soon as the vet came in, I knew it wasn't good. She showed us x-ray after x-ray. Each one worse than the one before it. Cash's right hip was completely out of joint. The vet explained that when that happens, not only does the hip pop out, but it tears the muscles, and everything with it. She also pointed out that Cash's tailbone was crushed. And, he was actually peeing involuntarily while they were x-raying him. So, there was concern that Cash's nerves were damaged. While they were moving him, he was almost oblivious, so there was a good chance that he had nerve damage that resulted in loss of feeling. The vet told us that the nerve damage aside, she could try and pop his hip back into joint, but he would then need to have his leg in a sling for 2 weeks, and he would not be able to move, which would mean being carried outside for bathroom breaks. Now, like I said, Cash is 130lbs, I am a stay at home mom, it would be up to me to get him outside, and there would be no way. Not only that, he would have to not move, and we would hope that scar tissue would form to hold his hip in place, which we were told very rarely works.
She also told us that we were free to have a consult with an orthopaedic surgeon, to discuss whether or not there was anything that could be done surgically. But, she warned us that the starting costs for something like that were around $3000, and she was pretty sure Cash's nerve damage was the larger issue, and that would prevent him from having a normal, or decent quality of life. So she left us alone to discuss our options. I already knew what was going to happen. Even if we did have $3000(at least) to spend, we had no idea if this would give him a life quality that we knew he deserved. We cried, and hugged. I said I was sorry over and over. I let Cash out, I felt to blame for this. Rob told me repeatedly that it was NOT my fault. We both knew that this was a danger as far as Cash was concerned. We both failed. We knew that Cash wandered to the road, we failed him. Rob was convinced that I hated him, because he was the one saying that we couldn't put out the money. But, we both knew that wasn't an option. We had 3 kids, and we had a doctor telling us that she thought the nerve damage was too extensive for him to make a recovery. We made the most humane decision for him.
Talking about making the decision to euthanize, and actually doing it create such different emotions. This was a situation where we had a dog that couldn't move. He was big, and in pain. It wasn't like we could take him home, and have some time with him. It had to be done now. Thinking about my kids made my stomach ache. I had told my daughter that her dog would not die. And I didn't think I was just saying that. I truly believed it. And now, here we were. Thinking about how I would tell them was making me physically ill.
We asked if Cash was still sedated, or if he was awake. We wanted to spend some time with him before we let him go. She led us through the doors, it wasn't a peaceful environment. They had him on a blanket on the floor, with all of the animal cages around him. Obviously this wasn't where any of us wanted to do this, but like I said. He's a big dog that's hard to move, and even harder when he's in pain. He was awake, but he was really groggy. We both sat down, with his head in my lap, we told him how much he was loved. We told him how proud we were to be a part of his life. We told him what an amazing protector he was for our family. We rubbed his head, and his paws, and his belly, and just loved him. We looked into his eyes, and knew that he knew what was happening, and that made it even worse. We told the vet we were ready, and she warned us that it would take a few minutes, and we might notice some twitching, and funny movements. I remembered how quick it was with Max 4 years earlier, so the second she started to inject him, I held him and just repeated to him over and over "We love you, you are so loved, we love you, you are so loved." And his breathing got more rapid, and it sounded like he was snoring, and then he seemed still. She checked his heart, and said he was just sleeping, that he needed a little more. Like I said, big dog. After she gave him the second injection, I knew he was gone. I felt it. I felt empty. He was gone. Just like that.
We left immediately, and went to the kids' school to pick them up. We wanted to be together as a family, and we wanted to tell them right away. As I was signing the kids out, I heard Ciena talking to Rob. "Daddy, sis you hear about Cash?" "Is he at the vet?" "Are we going to get him?" I could hear Rob skirting around every question, wanting to not be in the school when we discussed this. As soon as everyone was buckled, I told them that Cash wasn't coming home. We explained what happened, and tried our best to answer their questions. I sat in the back holding my daughter as she sobbed. Joel, being 5 was slightly upset, but he was thinking of other things almost instantly. Logan obviously didn't understand anything beyond "Cash dead"
Our home was anything but a safe haven. Rob immediately got to work busying himself with housework to keep his mind occupied. I just layed on the couch and cried. But, little did I know, the worst was yet to come. Every day I wake up feeling worse than the one before. I can't even explain the level of grief I'm feeling. I have lost many beloved people in my life, relatives that I was extremely close to, and the grief I felt then, doesn't even touch the way I'm feeling now. Every detail of my day involved my dog. He slept at the foot of out bed, and after Rob would leave for work, he would lay down on the floor by my side of the bed. He would go outside with the kids and I, and wait for the bus with us, then he would bark at me constantly after they drive off, waiting for me to let him into the house. He was my shadow, he was my protector. If someone pulled into our driveway that Cash didn't know, he would stand in between me, and them, and not let them get anywhere near me. During naptime, he would lay on my lap while I read on the couch. He made my days better, he made my days so full of love and companionship. Now, I have never felt so lonely. Walking back up to the house today after the kids got o the bus, was the loneliest walk I've ever taken. It was so debilitating, that I had Rob get them off the bus this afternoon, because I just couldn't handle it. I don't know how to cope with this feeling. I can't sleep, because every time I close my eyes, I can hear his screaming. I flutter between wanting to adopt another dog right away, to never wanting another one again, every 10 minutes. The loneliness is almost crippling. I couldn't wait for Logan to take his nap, so that I could cry. And that's what I did. For the entirety of his 2 hour nap, I sobbed, I called my dog, I screamed to my dog like a complete lunatic. I counted down the minutes until Rob got home, so that I had someone to talk to, someone who understood how I felt.
Not knowing if my dog is safe, or happy, or missing me, or surrounded by love, makes my heart break. I'm so desperate for answers that I have been reading up on pets in the afterlife, and desperately grasping for anything to let me know that he's alright. I just need a sign, a small one, a large one, I don't care. I miss my friend. I miss the way he used to stop before taking a step because he had the biggest problem getting up and down them. The way he used to wait until Rob would get off the couch, and immediately take his spot. The way he would come into the bathroom while I was taking a bath, and lick the water off the edge of the tub, it seemed so gross at the time, but now I just miss it so much. He loved us, he loved us all so deeply that it hurts to think about it. He loved my kids, and would do anything to protect them. He was the greatest friend I've ever had, and now he's gone. I can't make sense of any of this. I just want to feel this less. I want to feel one second of happiness that isn't followed by 20 minutes of complete devastation. I've just never felt so alone in my life. Sometimes my sadness feels so deep that it terrifies me, and makes me think I'll never feel better. I have no desire to leave my house, or to be around people. I can't sleep, I can't eat without feeling sick, and throwing up. And as much as people keep telling me that it will get easier and easier to cope, I just don't believe that right now. All I can see right now, is darkness.
I just pray that my friend is safe and happy, and knows how much he is loved. I hope he can still feel that, wherever he is.
Wednesday, 31 December 2014
New Years resolutions!
So, I know you were all on the edge of your seat waiting for this. Haha!
Every year, I make resolutions, that are somewhat unnatainable. I mean, who doesn't, right? But this year? This year I plan on keeping them all. So, in order to hold myself accountable, I'm sharing them with you!
Every year, I make resolutions, that are somewhat unnatainable. I mean, who doesn't, right? But this year? This year I plan on keeping them all. So, in order to hold myself accountable, I'm sharing them with you!
- Get this weight off, once and for all! I lost 30lbs in 2014, which doesn't seem like much when your goal is 80lbs. But, it gave me room to breathe. I finally felt curvy, instead of just "fat" God, I hate that word. I felt happier, I had energy, I just felt more amazing than I had in years. I had a setback, and while I haven't gained any weight back....I am definitely fluffier. And, my thoughts had always been that as soon as we were for sure finished having babies, I would get serious. Well, here we are! And this is my year!
- Get more organized. Clutter. Clutter everywhere! I want it gone. I will be no longer hoarding every single sheet of paper my kids colour on. Some of it has to go! Clothing that no longer fits will be going to goodwill, and my cupboards will lose the expired green beans.
- Have more sex. I know that as a mother with small children, it's very easy to get into a routine. Trust me, I've been there. You are exhausted because your kids don't sleep. You are overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done. At the end of the day you just want some time where nobody touches you. But, suddenly you realize that you and your husband have turned into roommates. And even though there are many nights when I would rather be doing anything else, I know that it's important for my marriage.
- Run, run, run. I love running. I honestly never ever thought I would like it, let alone love it this much. It's therapeutic, it's exhausting, it's liberating....it's just everything. I have realized that lately I just haven't been doing enough of it. And with a half marathon coming up in June, I really need to put the time in.
- Spend more one on one time with my kids. With 3 kids, you find out very quickly that there isn't always enough time to go around. And then, you get kids who act out for attention. Which is something we're dealing with right now. And I know that it's important for my kids to feel like they don't have to compete for my undivided attention. So, some alone time for each of them separately is in order for 2015.
- Read more! Another thing that suffers when you are busy with life is hobbies. I love to read, always have. But lately, I have noticed that I cannot remember the last time I read a book. Not a self help book, or a comic book, but an actual novel. So, I plan on making that a priority this year!
- Be kind to myself. This needs no explanation.
I am really set on 2015 being one of the best years yet. :)
Have a safe and happy New Year all of my wonderful friends and family!
11 years later
So, you guys are super lucky tonight. You will be getting a two for the price of one! Two blog posts! So, here's number one.
11 years ago, I was invited to a New Years Eve party. The word was that someone wanted to meet me. I wasn't really the partying type, but, it was a night out with family, and friends. I didn't really know this guy who wanted to meet me at all. I had seen him at a few family functions, he happened to be my cousin's best friend. So, he wasn't a complete stranger to me. But, I had never spoken to him at all. I remembered the previous summer when he and I had both attended another cousin's BBQ. At one point, he and my cousin strolled over to my mom and I, and he literally just stared at me the entire time my cousin talked to us. So, at that point, my thoughts were: Creepy. I mean, who would have been endeared by that?
Fast forward to New Years. The party was at my cousin's house, and my dad, Aunt, and Uncle were going too. So, we all rode together. Well, the evening felt somewhat like a bust. I mean, I had a good time, but Rob never spoke a single word to me at all. I wasn't interested in drinking, but he drank enough for the both of us. And finally I looked at the clock, and it was 2am. I was expecting to head home, when I heard a voice say "So, do you maybe wanna take a walk?" Um, huh?? It's 2am, I've been here since 7, and this is the first words you've spoken to me. We're in the middle of a wrecking yard, where there are ample places to hide a body. A walk? I looked at my dad, and he didn't look jazzed about Rob's new found courage. But, I am unable to say no....so outside I go. Now, let me say, I honestly cannot remember what we talked about. I remember that Rob rambled a lot, and he was severely inebriated, so most of it made absolutely no sense. And just when I thought he couldn't have blown his chance any harder than he did, his parting words to me as I was leaving the party...with my DAD, were "Hey, if you wanna stay, you can share the pullout couch with me." Cue my dad shoving me out the door as quickly as possible. And also, cue me, wondering why I wasted 7 hours of my life here.
I had given Rob my number, mostly because I didn't want to be rude, and also, because I was sure that he would never call me. Well, I was wrong. He called a few days later, and I put him off by telling him that I had exams coming up, and I needed to be studying. But, relentless as he was, I agreed to him coming out to my house so that we could get to know each other better. I had no idea that I would be so thankful that I agreed to that "date"
I like this guy. I liked him quite a bit. He was kind of shy, but he was funny, and he actually wanted to know about me, and my life. So, after that first date, that was it. I had to see this guy again. We really jumped into things, And less than a month later, Rob was staying at my place almost every night, and commuting 40 minutes to work everyday, a drive that would be a short 10 minutes from his own house. 6 months into our relationship, we were living together, and we set out to prove everyone who was saying that we were moving way too fast, wrong.
And now, here we are. 11 years, 3 children, and everything that goes along with that. Has it been easy? Hell no! I can very clearly, and concisely say, it has been anything but easy. We have had to fight, and fight, and fight some more, just to get to the place we are at today. And in fact, we almost didn't make it this far. There was a very horrible time, where our future together was not looking so great. But, the one thing we both knew for certain was this: We love each other more than anything. We are committed to each other, and this life that we have created together. And with a lot of work, and a lot of love, we have come through to the other side. Happier than ever.
I still think back to that night, and laugh. It was a disaster. I never in a million years would have ever believed anyone who told me that 11 years later, this would be where I was. But, I cannot imagine my life any other way. And every day I am so thankful for this wonderful man who took me completely by surprise.
11 years ago, I was invited to a New Years Eve party. The word was that someone wanted to meet me. I wasn't really the partying type, but, it was a night out with family, and friends. I didn't really know this guy who wanted to meet me at all. I had seen him at a few family functions, he happened to be my cousin's best friend. So, he wasn't a complete stranger to me. But, I had never spoken to him at all. I remembered the previous summer when he and I had both attended another cousin's BBQ. At one point, he and my cousin strolled over to my mom and I, and he literally just stared at me the entire time my cousin talked to us. So, at that point, my thoughts were: Creepy. I mean, who would have been endeared by that?
Fast forward to New Years. The party was at my cousin's house, and my dad, Aunt, and Uncle were going too. So, we all rode together. Well, the evening felt somewhat like a bust. I mean, I had a good time, but Rob never spoke a single word to me at all. I wasn't interested in drinking, but he drank enough for the both of us. And finally I looked at the clock, and it was 2am. I was expecting to head home, when I heard a voice say "So, do you maybe wanna take a walk?" Um, huh?? It's 2am, I've been here since 7, and this is the first words you've spoken to me. We're in the middle of a wrecking yard, where there are ample places to hide a body. A walk? I looked at my dad, and he didn't look jazzed about Rob's new found courage. But, I am unable to say no....so outside I go. Now, let me say, I honestly cannot remember what we talked about. I remember that Rob rambled a lot, and he was severely inebriated, so most of it made absolutely no sense. And just when I thought he couldn't have blown his chance any harder than he did, his parting words to me as I was leaving the party...with my DAD, were "Hey, if you wanna stay, you can share the pullout couch with me." Cue my dad shoving me out the door as quickly as possible. And also, cue me, wondering why I wasted 7 hours of my life here.
I had given Rob my number, mostly because I didn't want to be rude, and also, because I was sure that he would never call me. Well, I was wrong. He called a few days later, and I put him off by telling him that I had exams coming up, and I needed to be studying. But, relentless as he was, I agreed to him coming out to my house so that we could get to know each other better. I had no idea that I would be so thankful that I agreed to that "date"
I like this guy. I liked him quite a bit. He was kind of shy, but he was funny, and he actually wanted to know about me, and my life. So, after that first date, that was it. I had to see this guy again. We really jumped into things, And less than a month later, Rob was staying at my place almost every night, and commuting 40 minutes to work everyday, a drive that would be a short 10 minutes from his own house. 6 months into our relationship, we were living together, and we set out to prove everyone who was saying that we were moving way too fast, wrong.
And now, here we are. 11 years, 3 children, and everything that goes along with that. Has it been easy? Hell no! I can very clearly, and concisely say, it has been anything but easy. We have had to fight, and fight, and fight some more, just to get to the place we are at today. And in fact, we almost didn't make it this far. There was a very horrible time, where our future together was not looking so great. But, the one thing we both knew for certain was this: We love each other more than anything. We are committed to each other, and this life that we have created together. And with a lot of work, and a lot of love, we have come through to the other side. Happier than ever.
I still think back to that night, and laugh. It was a disaster. I never in a million years would have ever believed anyone who told me that 11 years later, this would be where I was. But, I cannot imagine my life any other way. And every day I am so thankful for this wonderful man who took me completely by surprise.
Tuesday, 16 December 2014
Ramblings
So, I apologize in advance. This might be long, it might be short. It will probably be all over the place, and not make sense, either. And, I'm posting it from my phone. Wheeeeeee!
I'm not even sure why I'm writing this? Maybe to help myself understand my emotions better? I am overweight. Anyone who knows me, is aware of this. Last summer I got fed up with my fat ass, and started busting it. I was working out and running consistently, and I lost 30 lbs! An amazing accomplishment. I was proud of myself. Then, Winter came....and everything went to shit. I am now in a slump. I still weigh the exact same as I did at the end of the summer. But, I feel I different. I feel....fluffier. my bra feels tighter, my shirts don't fit the same way, I'm depressed.
I don't need anyone telling me "You still look great!" Or "Don't do forget how far you've come!" I am the one responsible for the way things are. And I'm just, sad. I have never been thin. I haven't always been overweight, but even at my smallest, I've never been thin. Which isn't such a big deal, and I can even live with that.
The thing that bothers me is this: I think about my weight constantly. And that is not an exaggeration. When I wake up in the morning, I tell myself that today will be different. I will eat sensibly, and get back on track. Then I get the kids off to school, and I feel hungry. Then I feel guilty. I feel guilty before I've even eaten anything. Why? I have no idea. I'm worried that I'll sabbatoge myself before I even eat. I'm sad that I can't just eat what I want, without worrying. I wonder what that must be like. So, I don't eat at all. Which is a mistake. I know this, but I'm trying to prove to myself that I have control. Although, I don't. Because when lunchtime comes, I either eat way too much, or not at all. I'm afraid of food. I hate food. I hate that I cannot just eat a sandwich without feeling guilty, and like I'm failing. And on the days that I overdo it, I destroy the entire day because I'm trying to punish myself. For what? I'm not sure. Then after dinner I sit on the couch with my husband, and I curl up under a blanket, and sweat, because I need the blanket to cover my stomach, so nobody (including me) can see how big it is. Then at night I lay on my side and suck my stomach in if my husband touches me. Who am I? This man loves me. He doesn't care about any of that stuff. Why do I do this to myself?
I am active. I run almost everyday, I work out a few times a week. But, I just don't feel good about myself. I had big plans to be past my first big weight milestone, and into the next by christmas. And now I feel like a joke. It's the holidays. I so desperately want to be able to enjoy myself, and eat without worry. But I feel scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to workout and I'll overeat, because....Christmas, and I'll be back at square one.
Like I said, I'm not sure why I'm writing this? Maybe other women will be able to identify? It would be nice to feel not so alone. I know I'll get my mojo back, and I'll kick ass again. I just hope that happens soon.
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