I haven't updated in a while, been a little preoccupied. My family doctor informed me that Logan's EEG was normal!! Great news! Bad news is, he ha been having more frequent episodes. A few day ago e had a really bad day:( I don't know what to think anymore. The paediatrician keeps telling me that it's reflux, yet he has not even mentioned medicating him. I have been frantically searching the web for anything that seems similar to what he is going though. The only thing that comes close is Sandifer's syndrome. The pedi mentioned it once, and after looking into it, I feel that it is very possible that is what we're dealing with. Apparently it is caused by an underlying GI issue (reflux GERD) and supposedly if you treat the condition that is causing the symptoms of Sandifer's, then you may be able to fix it. Logan has a pedi appointment on the 24th, and I am determined to not leave that office until we have some sort of plan.
Things between Rob, and I have been a lot better. We haven't been to a counsellor yet, but between work, and childcare I'm not sure we'll ever make it there. But, we have been trying to communicate with each other more, and while I know we still have a long way to go....I'm confident that we'll get there. Logan's fussiness has gotten somewhat better. He has longer periods of being happy, and smiley. I'm hoping that if we get some reflux meds into him, we will see an even bigger improvement! He still has quite a few bad days, where the screaming is prevalent unless he's sleeping. But, I'm hoping that we are turning a corner in the fussy department.
Sleep. I guess you never realize how much you value sleep, until you're not getting any. Logan is awesome! e goes down around 7:30 every night, and he sleeps straight through until 6 or 7. But Ciena and Joel...that's another story. They are sharing a room, heck they are sharing a bed! And they still will not stay out of our bed. They refuse to sleep alone, so we let them share a room, and they choose to share a bed. But every single night, they still end up in our bed. I don't get any sleep, a 6 year old, a 2 year old, and two adults sharing a bed, sooo not comfy. Plus, they all snore! And when I say all, I mean Rob, Ciena, Joel, and Logan. So that keeps me up, as does a toddler's feet in my back, or kicking me in the stomach, or head. I want my bed back!!
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Friday, 30 March 2012
Babyproofing your marriage
So, I was hesitant to post this. Since my blog is public, and anyone can read it, I didn't want anyone, and everyone to be privy to every little thing going on in my life. But, then i realized that
1)It may help someone realize that they are not alone
2)Like 2 people read my blog:)
So, here it is. My marriage is going through a rough patch right now. More rough than it has ever been before. I'm scared. I definitely feel that Rob and I can work through anything that life throws at us, but it's hard right now. Adding a baby to your marriage is difficult. Obviously, our biggest adjustment was right after Ciena was born. You have to acclimate yourselves to your "new normal" Late nights, early mornings, you never have enough time to do anything, and if you do....you're to tired anyways. But, after a few months life starts to run smoothly again, and eventually you sort of look at each other and say "We made it!" I would love to say that after the first kid, the rest is cake. Well, sorry. Not true. The second one comes along and you have to deal with more sleep deprivation, and even less time for yourselves as individuals, and as a couple. By the time the third comes along, your "new normal" pretty much involves no time as a couple, and even less time for yourself.
I can say that Rob and I have both changed. Time and babies will do that to you. But, I have never felt this feeling before. Rob and I do not communicate properly. He hates to really discuss anything. And prefers to tell me that I am "nattering" at him, when in fact I just want to discuss things. Lately, we have butted heads over the fact that he refuses to watch Logan while I go out anywhere. I wanted to go see a movie with my mom. I arranged for my gram to watch Ciena and Joel. Rob would only have Logan....he flat out refused, said he wouldn't be able to handle it, and that I "didn't need to go anywhere without the baby." Basically he's telling me that I don't deserve any time to myself. Multiple times he has said to me "it doesn't matter to me how many kids we have. You're the one who has to take care of them." Then, he backpedals and says he means that since I'm the one home all day, I'm the one who takes care of them. I continually feel under appreciated, disrespected, and small. I will say that Rob is a great dad. I know he loves our kids, and would do anything for them. But, he really needs a wake up call. Sometimes the things he says to me kind of blow my mind. like: "Maybe if you didn't think you would be able to handle 3 kids, we shouldn't have had Logan." This one broke my heart. I'm sure he didn't intend for it to sound the way it did, but really?
We have both agreed we need counselling....but childcare is an issue. My mom is the only person i trust to watch the baby, so we need to work around her and Rob's schedules...yeah, good luck on that. I pray every night that none of this is enough to split us up. And I have told Rob multiple times that I believe we can work through anything. I just hope in 6 months we look back at this and laugh, knowing that we made it.
1)It may help someone realize that they are not alone
2)Like 2 people read my blog:)
So, here it is. My marriage is going through a rough patch right now. More rough than it has ever been before. I'm scared. I definitely feel that Rob and I can work through anything that life throws at us, but it's hard right now. Adding a baby to your marriage is difficult. Obviously, our biggest adjustment was right after Ciena was born. You have to acclimate yourselves to your "new normal" Late nights, early mornings, you never have enough time to do anything, and if you do....you're to tired anyways. But, after a few months life starts to run smoothly again, and eventually you sort of look at each other and say "We made it!" I would love to say that after the first kid, the rest is cake. Well, sorry. Not true. The second one comes along and you have to deal with more sleep deprivation, and even less time for yourselves as individuals, and as a couple. By the time the third comes along, your "new normal" pretty much involves no time as a couple, and even less time for yourself.
I can say that Rob and I have both changed. Time and babies will do that to you. But, I have never felt this feeling before. Rob and I do not communicate properly. He hates to really discuss anything. And prefers to tell me that I am "nattering" at him, when in fact I just want to discuss things. Lately, we have butted heads over the fact that he refuses to watch Logan while I go out anywhere. I wanted to go see a movie with my mom. I arranged for my gram to watch Ciena and Joel. Rob would only have Logan....he flat out refused, said he wouldn't be able to handle it, and that I "didn't need to go anywhere without the baby." Basically he's telling me that I don't deserve any time to myself. Multiple times he has said to me "it doesn't matter to me how many kids we have. You're the one who has to take care of them." Then, he backpedals and says he means that since I'm the one home all day, I'm the one who takes care of them. I continually feel under appreciated, disrespected, and small. I will say that Rob is a great dad. I know he loves our kids, and would do anything for them. But, he really needs a wake up call. Sometimes the things he says to me kind of blow my mind. like: "Maybe if you didn't think you would be able to handle 3 kids, we shouldn't have had Logan." This one broke my heart. I'm sure he didn't intend for it to sound the way it did, but really?
We have both agreed we need counselling....but childcare is an issue. My mom is the only person i trust to watch the baby, so we need to work around her and Rob's schedules...yeah, good luck on that. I pray every night that none of this is enough to split us up. And I have told Rob multiple times that I believe we can work through anything. I just hope in 6 months we look back at this and laugh, knowing that we made it.
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
PPD
I'm not surprised to be going through postpartum depression again. I went through it with Joel, and also had extremely bad postpartum anxiety a well. I prepared myself this time to possibly find myself in that place again. And here I am. Feeling so alone. That is one thing I have noticed about depression of any kind...the loneliness. I feel like nobody understands how I feel, and there is nobody to talk to. I feel like a bad mother, and as I've mentioned before, I feel like I'm failing. I knew having 3 kids would be difficult at times, even during good times. But I didn't know it would be this difficult.
Logan cries. He cries for a large portion of the day. Whether it's reflux, or gas, or colic, I have no idea. I just know, it's tough. He likes to be held, and I have a bad back. The 2 don't mix well. By the end of the day I am crying in pain, and ready to sleep for a year. I never considered that i might have a fussy baby. I guess I was so worried about having a baby that slept well was the more important thing. Now I'm not sure which I would prefer. The bad sleeper, or the crier? I snap at my kids a lot. Carrying a crying baby around the house all day, and rocking, and singing, and shh-ing...it's all very frustrating. I am so fried, and then I hear them fighting, or being naughty, and I yell. I do not want to be this person. This person who yells at her kids, and has no control over her life. It's a sucky feeling.
Joel does.not.listen. EVER! He is very much in the throws of his terrible twos. He hits/kicks/punches/pinches/pulls hair. Gah! You name it. If he doesn't get his way, something will be thrown at the window, or the t.v. or the wall. And I swear he i a one man wrecking crew. He will destroy a room in 5 seconds flat. And I could probably handle all of that, if it weren't for the fussy baby too. I can't juggle.
Logan's "episodes" still there, still all I think about. We have no idea what they are. There are many theories, but nothing solid. The EEG is still a few weeks away. But the stress is eating away at me. I am so worried about my sweet boy that i try not to even think about the possibilities. All of these things compounded led me into my doctor office in tears. I am sad, I feel helpless, I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I can't think...I am fighting my way back out. Hopefully very soon I'll feel like my old self.
Logan cries. He cries for a large portion of the day. Whether it's reflux, or gas, or colic, I have no idea. I just know, it's tough. He likes to be held, and I have a bad back. The 2 don't mix well. By the end of the day I am crying in pain, and ready to sleep for a year. I never considered that i might have a fussy baby. I guess I was so worried about having a baby that slept well was the more important thing. Now I'm not sure which I would prefer. The bad sleeper, or the crier? I snap at my kids a lot. Carrying a crying baby around the house all day, and rocking, and singing, and shh-ing...it's all very frustrating. I am so fried, and then I hear them fighting, or being naughty, and I yell. I do not want to be this person. This person who yells at her kids, and has no control over her life. It's a sucky feeling.
Joel does.not.listen. EVER! He is very much in the throws of his terrible twos. He hits/kicks/punches/pinches/pulls hair. Gah! You name it. If he doesn't get his way, something will be thrown at the window, or the t.v. or the wall. And I swear he i a one man wrecking crew. He will destroy a room in 5 seconds flat. And I could probably handle all of that, if it weren't for the fussy baby too. I can't juggle.
Logan's "episodes" still there, still all I think about. We have no idea what they are. There are many theories, but nothing solid. The EEG is still a few weeks away. But the stress is eating away at me. I am so worried about my sweet boy that i try not to even think about the possibilities. All of these things compounded led me into my doctor office in tears. I am sad, I feel helpless, I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I can't think...I am fighting my way back out. Hopefully very soon I'll feel like my old self.
Monday, 19 March 2012
I need answers...
I feel so defeated. Friday was such a horrible day, when I think about it too much I feel sick.
When Rob got home from work, we decided to all go into town because we needed a few things. Well, we ere just about to leave when Logan started having his episodes.....bad. I have never seen them this bad. They were so terrible that I almost called an ambulance. I probably would have, except the ambulance would have taken me to the hospital that I refuse to go to. I literally sat in front of Logan, and watched him for almost an hour, he was having the episodes off and on the entire time. Finally, I told Rob to go to town to get what we needed, and to take ciena and Joel. I decided I was taking Logan to the ER.
Luckily I was able to get a pretty decent video of Logan, that I was able to the show the pedi on call. My poor baby was poked and prodded, and I jut felt so helpless. Finally the pedi told me that she believed, based on the video and my description of it that it was shuddering syndrome. Basically tremors, that are pretty common in babies. She had us stay the night to monitor him while he slept. She said she wanted to make sure he didn't have any while he was sleeping. He did not. She said to keep his EEG appt for the 4th, and we would know or sure then if it was a serious seizure disorder or not.
I'm so scared. I trust the pedi 100%. But after reading about shuddering, and watching numerous youtube videos of it.....I'm not convinced. What I saw him do looked like a seizure. Mainly what he did with his eyes, it did not just look like tremors to me. She was going to do a brain ultrasound, and a head CT, but she said that after watching him, and interacting with him she doesn't see the need because he is so smart. He is doing great developmentally, and in fact she thinks he's advanced. And socially, he is developing fine too. She also said that during the episodes he seems very "with it" like he is aware, and knows what is going on. She said that during seizures most of the time it will make you very lethargic, and he does not act like that.
Please pray. Pray that the EEG does not show anything concerning. Pray that the episodes stop altogether, and please pray for me. I feel like a failure, incredibly helpless, ans small. My baby has something serious going on, and I just can't help him. That is the worst feeling. Please just keep us in your thoughts, this will be a long few weeks:(
When Rob got home from work, we decided to all go into town because we needed a few things. Well, we ere just about to leave when Logan started having his episodes.....bad. I have never seen them this bad. They were so terrible that I almost called an ambulance. I probably would have, except the ambulance would have taken me to the hospital that I refuse to go to. I literally sat in front of Logan, and watched him for almost an hour, he was having the episodes off and on the entire time. Finally, I told Rob to go to town to get what we needed, and to take ciena and Joel. I decided I was taking Logan to the ER.
Luckily I was able to get a pretty decent video of Logan, that I was able to the show the pedi on call. My poor baby was poked and prodded, and I jut felt so helpless. Finally the pedi told me that she believed, based on the video and my description of it that it was shuddering syndrome. Basically tremors, that are pretty common in babies. She had us stay the night to monitor him while he slept. She said she wanted to make sure he didn't have any while he was sleeping. He did not. She said to keep his EEG appt for the 4th, and we would know or sure then if it was a serious seizure disorder or not.
I'm so scared. I trust the pedi 100%. But after reading about shuddering, and watching numerous youtube videos of it.....I'm not convinced. What I saw him do looked like a seizure. Mainly what he did with his eyes, it did not just look like tremors to me. She was going to do a brain ultrasound, and a head CT, but she said that after watching him, and interacting with him she doesn't see the need because he is so smart. He is doing great developmentally, and in fact she thinks he's advanced. And socially, he is developing fine too. She also said that during the episodes he seems very "with it" like he is aware, and knows what is going on. She said that during seizures most of the time it will make you very lethargic, and he does not act like that.
Please pray. Pray that the EEG does not show anything concerning. Pray that the episodes stop altogether, and please pray for me. I feel like a failure, incredibly helpless, ans small. My baby has something serious going on, and I just can't help him. That is the worst feeling. Please just keep us in your thoughts, this will be a long few weeks:(
Sunday, 11 March 2012
Lazy Sundays
Where you have absolutely nothing better to do than, play video games
Pose for mommy's incessant picture taking
And nap.....
We had a great day.....God, I love these kids<3
Saturday, 10 March 2012
Failing...
This is how I feel. Like I'm failing. Failing at being a mom, at being a wife, at everything. I'm not even sure I know where to start.
I have a baby that is pretty fussy, and like to be held all.day.long. I swear, I can pick him up and he will fall fast asleep, I can hold him for 20 minutes until I'm certain he is in a deep sleep. But I lay him down, and he screams! Because of this, I have no hands, or time to do...well, anything. I would love to be able to sit down and finish a meal. Hell, some days I don't eat at all until 8:00pm, and yet I am not losing any weight. Having a fussy baby is so overwhelming...I hate sounding so whiny, but I literally feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown every single day.
I can't get housework done. And I know a lot of people say, "oh the housework can wait." I wish I was okay with that sentiment. It really makes my skin crawl looking around the house, and seeing a mess. Rob does help when he comes home from work. But, he definitely doesn't do anything the way I would do it. And that's a problem for me;) The way he loads and unloads the dishwasher drives me nuts!!! I mean, he gets things out of the cupboard, how does he still not know where everything goes? The last thing I want is to open the cupboard and have plates and bowl falls on me because he has stacked bowls on top of plates, on top of bowls....seriously?! I guess I just feel like less of a wife, and mom if I can't stay on top of the simplest tasks. I'm home all day, and Rob still comes home to a messy house, and dinner isn't ready. Yes, I want to be that wife.
I yell...a lot. I am so frustrated, and stressed out because of Logan's fussiness, that my kids gt the brunt of it. I feel like I yell all the time and I don't like it. It's not their fault that Logan is crying, it's not their fault that I'm stressed, it's not their fault that I feel the way I do. I don't want this to be the childhood they remember. A mommy that had no time for them, and yelled all the time. I just want to feel somewhat put together. I want to be able to shower, I want to be able to enjoy this stage of my kid's lives. I just want to feel better...
I have a baby that is pretty fussy, and like to be held all.day.long. I swear, I can pick him up and he will fall fast asleep, I can hold him for 20 minutes until I'm certain he is in a deep sleep. But I lay him down, and he screams! Because of this, I have no hands, or time to do...well, anything. I would love to be able to sit down and finish a meal. Hell, some days I don't eat at all until 8:00pm, and yet I am not losing any weight. Having a fussy baby is so overwhelming...I hate sounding so whiny, but I literally feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown every single day.
I can't get housework done. And I know a lot of people say, "oh the housework can wait." I wish I was okay with that sentiment. It really makes my skin crawl looking around the house, and seeing a mess. Rob does help when he comes home from work. But, he definitely doesn't do anything the way I would do it. And that's a problem for me;) The way he loads and unloads the dishwasher drives me nuts!!! I mean, he gets things out of the cupboard, how does he still not know where everything goes? The last thing I want is to open the cupboard and have plates and bowl falls on me because he has stacked bowls on top of plates, on top of bowls....seriously?! I guess I just feel like less of a wife, and mom if I can't stay on top of the simplest tasks. I'm home all day, and Rob still comes home to a messy house, and dinner isn't ready. Yes, I want to be that wife.
I yell...a lot. I am so frustrated, and stressed out because of Logan's fussiness, that my kids gt the brunt of it. I feel like I yell all the time and I don't like it. It's not their fault that Logan is crying, it's not their fault that I'm stressed, it's not their fault that I feel the way I do. I don't want this to be the childhood they remember. A mommy that had no time for them, and yelled all the time. I just want to feel somewhat put together. I want to be able to shower, I want to be able to enjoy this stage of my kid's lives. I just want to feel better...
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
The verdict....Reflux!!
So, I took Logan into the pedi today. I wanted to show him the video that I took of Logan's episode. The instant he saw it he said "It's not seizures." Thank you God!! I was never so happy to hear something. He told me that he believes it is most likely due to reflux, but due to the fact that the episodes only lasted a few seconds, and he didn't really have a lot of other symptoms, he didn't think anything needed to be done about it right now. He said to keep the EEG appointment in April, but that he would be surprised if it came back abnormal.
Then he weighed him.....13lbs6oz!!! I was told that he is overweight, and pretty much right on the cusp of being obese. I have been feeling for a while that the amount he has been eating seems like a ton. 6oz every 3 hours. He told me to cut down his feedings, and we would see what happens. But then I was informed that sometimes babies with reflux tend to eat more at a time, and more often to ease the pain they are having. So I'm not sure if I should just wait it out and see how he does eating less. We started this afternoon, he had 5 oz instead of 6 for his last 2 feedings. And i have already noticed that he is a little more fussy, and he won't settle right now. Usually he is fine to go to bed between 7:30 and 8, and then doesn't wake up to eat until 4:30am or so. I'm just torn. I know i was told to cut his feedings down, but what if he just genuinely seems hungry? Then what? Do I distract him? Try the pacifier? Or feed him, even though he's suppose to be eating less. I just don't want to feel like I'm starving him!
Then he weighed him.....13lbs6oz!!! I was told that he is overweight, and pretty much right on the cusp of being obese. I have been feeling for a while that the amount he has been eating seems like a ton. 6oz every 3 hours. He told me to cut down his feedings, and we would see what happens. But then I was informed that sometimes babies with reflux tend to eat more at a time, and more often to ease the pain they are having. So I'm not sure if I should just wait it out and see how he does eating less. We started this afternoon, he had 5 oz instead of 6 for his last 2 feedings. And i have already noticed that he is a little more fussy, and he won't settle right now. Usually he is fine to go to bed between 7:30 and 8, and then doesn't wake up to eat until 4:30am or so. I'm just torn. I know i was told to cut his feedings down, but what if he just genuinely seems hungry? Then what? Do I distract him? Try the pacifier? Or feed him, even though he's suppose to be eating less. I just don't want to feel like I'm starving him!
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