I need to get serious for a minute.....

Something has been eating away at me for the past week. I started reading a blog about a mother who had lost her 3 year old son to neuroblastoma. Now, anyone who knows me, knows that the only blogs I really follow are the depressing as shit ones. I have no idea why, I usually spend my nights in front of my laptop, bawling my eyes out while catching up on all of them. It's a sickness really. But this blog was different...

I usually start new blogs by reading the first post, and catching up. I literally couldn't stop reading. I have never ever felt this way about a blog. I have never felt someone else's pain in my very soul, like a stomach ache that won't go away. At one point, while reading a post I was sobbing so loud that I woke up my husband. Which pretty much totally freaked him out. As I kept reading, I realized how little I know about childhood cancer. I mean, maybe it's an ignorance is bliss type deal. Like something you don't ever think can happen to you. But it can. The stats I was reading made me feel sick to my stomach. The more that I read this blog, the more I realized that I had taken the simplest things for granted. Like the luxury of tucking my kids in at night, or reading "just one more story" even though all you want to do is go to bed. Having a baby wake me up during the night didn't bother me as much, because some people's babies are no longer with them, and they would give anything for a sleepless night like I had. I started looking at everything differently. And then I felt ashamed, and guilty. Because it shouldn't take someone else losing their child, and sharing their wounds, raw, and real with the world, just for me to realize how amazing my life is. I should already know.

Suddenly the fact that my kids sleep in my bed every night, didn't seem like that big of a deal. The fact that we couldn't afford to go away for the weekend, seemed like a ridiculous thing to be upset about. And why on Earth did it take me reading about a mother's pain and anguish, to see all of this? I think it's because we all live in a bubble. We go about our lives, and we take things for granted everyday. We get frustrated with our children for doing things that kids do. We work too much, we drink too much, we don't laugh enough, and sometimes we don't love enough. I know I've been guilty of this. Juice gets spilled on the carpet, I'm upset. Why? It'll come out, and even if it doesn't....who cares?? The fact is, our kids are growing up before our eyes, and if you're like me, you may have blinked, and years have flown by. And knowing that there are so many parents losing their babies everyday to a disease that sucks the life right out of them, almost tears my heart out.

I'm going to leave you with some facts, and statistics. They aren't pretty, so you've been warned. And I urge you, if you do nothing else after you read this, please at least read about childhood cancer, educate yourself. You may think there's nothing you can do, I feel that way sometimes too. But it's not true, there is ALWAYS something that can be done, even if that something is just sharing your knowledge with other people.

There are about 10,000 children living with cancer in Canada today.

Each year, about 1500 cases are diagnosed

Because of significant advances in therapy, 78% of these children will survive 5 years or more, an increase of almost 46% since the early 1960s.

More than 70 percent of children diagnosed with cancer become long-term survivors and the majority of them are considered cured. However, long-term effects of surviving the treatments for childhood cancer can affect these children's futures.

In the early 1950s, less than 10 percent of childhood cancer patients could be cured.

Leukemias, tumors of the brain and nervous system, the lymphatic system, kidneys, bones and muscles are the most common childhood cancers.

In Canada, childhood cancer remains responsible for more deaths from one year through adolescence than any other disease; more deaths than asthma, diabetes, cystic fibrosis and AIDS combined.

Childhood cancers have close to a 75% cure rate, with leukemia leading the success charge with close to 90% overall cure rate.

About one in four children who are diagnosed with cancer will die of the disease.

With a mortality rate of close to 25%, Canada loses tens of thousands of years of potential life each year to childhood cancer. In terms of potential life saved, childhood cancer rank second only to breast cancer.

Childhood cancers differ from adult cancers. Adults are most affected by breast, lung, prostate, bowel and bladder cancers. Children are most affected by acute leukemia, tumours of the brain and nervous system, the lymphatic system, kidneys, bones and muscles.

Leukemia is the most commonly diagnosed cancer in children, comprising some 30% of the total new cases diagnosed each year. Acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL) is the most common form and comprises about 75% of these cases. Peak incidence is at two to three years of age, with boys 20% more likely to contract the disease. Survival rate is now 95%, with a 30% relapse rate.

Lymphomas and cancers of the central nervous system are the second most diagnosed children's cancer, at 17% of total cancers diagnosed.

Sarcomas, or cancers of the muscles, bones, nerves, fat, blood or connective tissue are next at 12%, with boys 25-30% more likely to contract this form of cancer.

Neuroblastomas, which represent 95% of tumors in the sympathetic nervous system, represent 5% of all childhood cancers.

^Funding
There are 15 children diagnosed with cancer for every ONE child diagnosed with pediatric AIDS. Yet, the U.S. invests approximately $595,000 for research per victim of pediatric AIDS and only $20,000 for each victim of childhood cancer.
The government recently CUT the budget for Childhood Cancer research. As a nation, we spend $14 BILLION per year on the space program, but only $35 MILLION on childhood cancer research per year.
Pediatric cancer research does not receive nearly as much funding as adult cancer research projects. Rhabdoid research dollars are scarce as most money is diverted to well-publicized adult forms of cancer.
Although the large, broad cancer organizations do great things, very little of their resources go to Pediatric Cancer Research. The American Cancer Society provides only 1.85% of dollars spent on research, to be spread over all 12 types of childhood cancers.
If you had donated $100 to Relay for Life hoping to show your support for the child honorary chairpersons, $12.50 would have gone to research adult cancers while only 70 cents would have gone to childhood cancer research. How much of that 70 cents would be for Rhabdoid research? NONE!
The National Cancer Institute's (NCI) federal budget was $4.6 BILLION. Of that breast cancer received 12%, prostate cancer received 7% and only 3% of goes toward Pediatric Cancer research. Thats 3% of ALL kinds of Pediatric Cancers combined!
The American Cancer Society spends less than 70 cents for each 100 dollars raised on childhood cancer.
Pharmaceutical companies fund over 50% of adult cancer research, but virtually nothing for kids.
Even with insurance coverage, a family will have out-of-pocket expenses of about $40,000 per year, not including travel.
An estimated 80 million people have health insurance insufficient to cover the costs of a catastrophic illness such as childhood cancer. It is estimated that as many as 50% of families with children battling cancer will be forced to file bankruptcy!

I couldn't find the facts for the funding of childhood cancer in Canada, but I'm sure it's about the same. It's time for a change. Help give these babies a voice. We can make a difference!

Here is a link to the blog I have been reading.
http://rockstarronan.com/

 

Disappointment

It's weeks like this one, where I remember what it was like to be a kid, and be looking forward to something so much just to not be able to do it. That heavy disappointment in your chest. Everything feels so much...more, when you're a kid. But I feel like that right now.

The weekend away that I have been planning for Rob, and I's anniversary for almost 2 months, that was suppose to be happening this weekend.....yeah, it's a no-go. We were suppose to go across the border to Niagara Falls NY. We were leaving Friday, and coming home Sunday. It's all I have been thinking about since I booked the hotel. Sleeping in, shopping, dinner, and time alone with my husband. It was going to be great. But after seriously looking at our finances, we kind of realized that it's not in the budget right now. Well, actually, HE said it's not in the budget right now....which he isn't wrong about. But that didn't stop me from bawling my eyes out for over an hour before I cancelled our hotel room. I felt like such a baby. Like, really?? This is not that important in the grand scheme of life, but to me, it really was.

Things around here have been hard lately. There are many days where I feel like my marriage is in serious danger. I have never been a quitter, and I don't plan on walking away, but the fear is still there. Mostly because of things that are out of my control, but are affecting me just the same. So, when I booked this trip I looked at it like a rescue of sorts. We needed this! To get away, to spend some time together, just the two of us. Time where I couldn't escape to my laptop, and Rob couldn't escape to his garage. Time where we were forced to spend an entire weekend together. We don't do anything alone anymore. It's not because of the kids, we pretty much always have a babysitter in my mom. She is more than willing to take the kids whenever she is able to. But, I guess ever since we had the kids, we haven't made our time together a priority. I would love to have "date nights" But I can't even bring that up to Rob, because then he tells me that all I ever want to do is "spend money" Even if my mom does take the kids overnight, Rob usually spends most of the day outside in the garage. If I cared at all to inhale gas, and oil, and watch him fix lawnmowers, then I guess I'd be in Heaven. So usually he'll come in at dinnertime, he'll eat in front of the t.v., and I'll eat at the table. Then a little while later I'll hear him snoring in his chair. Fun, right?? I just wanted this weekend, I wanted the time together.

I guess there wasn't much point to this post, other than me being a whiny baby. Venting my frustrations about the whole situation. Which is partly my fault. Our finances haven't been great for quite some time, but I still buy a ton of stuff that we don't need. I think the fact that we are home all day, and sometimes bored plays a part in the spending. Not to mention that grocery shopping kills us! There are a ton of changes that we need to make around here. I get that. I just wish we hadn't realized that this weekend:(

First week is over!!

First week of school that is. My big girl is in grade 1.....how??? When I think back to her very first day of school, the time between then and now seems like such a blur. It's like almost 3 years has went by in the blink of an eye. And now, grade 1. A whole new world. Going to school everyday has already taken it's toll on my sweet girl, who has been fast asleep at 7:30 every night. Not that I mind, since I'm in bed by then too;)

She is such a little lady now, we went school shopping, and my girl didn't want even 1 pair of pants. Only skirts and dresses. So then she had to pick out lots of pretty tights, and accessories, including scarves.....when did it become a thing to wear scarves as an accessory? If I put on a scarf, it's because it's -10. It has occurred to me how sad it is that my 6 year old knows more about current fashion trends than I do.

I also have to brag about Joel. I was hoping that his attitude would improve once Ciena went back to school. He would be getting more attention, and we would be back into some sort of routine around here. And I was right!! We haven't had any significant tantrums all week long! He has been so great, and I have been praising him like crazy about it in hopes that he would realize that he would rather behave. It's been so nice and peaceful around here. I feel a million times different than I did before the summer started. Logan was very colicky for the first almost 4 months of his life, and with the reflux...I really love that he is doing so much better. It's nice to be able to give attention to both boys during the day. I feel like a better mom:)

Now some pics!
First day of JK

 

First Day of SK



First day of Grade 1

 

 

Kickin' it old school

Sorry, I've been MIA. I destroyed my laptop after tripping over the power cord in a sleepy stupor one morning....so I was forced to use my desktop, in which the keyboard has a broken space bar. But I finally got myself a new laptop last week, so I can bore you to tears again!!

This post was brought on by an argument that Rob, and I had the other night. He started whining about the fact that I don't make him a lunch for work. Now, we have jokingly discussed this before. But never in a serious way. When Rob, and I moved in together, before the kids, I not only got up with him to see him off to work at 4:30 in the morning, but I also made him his lunch everyday. At the time it was something that worked for us. We both worked, but I still made sure I did this. Things have changed...

I honestly cannot remember if I still made him a lunch after Ciena was born, it's possible. She was a pretty easy baby, and slept good at night, not to mention there was only one of her;) Now I will say, that Rob and I both discussed whether or not I should go back to work after Ciena was born. We decided TOGETHER, that as long as we could afford it, I would stay home with the kid(s).  Early on in this arrangement things were not great. I was making next to nothing in regards to mat leave, and baby bonus. We went back and forth between having one vehicle, and 2. So usually, I was stuck at home, in the middle of nowhere with a baby. To say that I felt lonely, isolated, and sad is an understatement. I loved staying home with my daughter, but I hated how monotonous my days were. Everyday was groundhog day. Even if I did have a vehicle, I had no money to do anything.

Even if I did have a vehicle, I had no money to go out and do anything. At that time, even though it wasn't actually said out loud, Rob's money was very much "his money" I had to ask him for money for anything I wanted or needed, or if I wanted to have lunch with a friend. I felt like a child, and it was humiliating. Then he came up with this genius idea. He would give me an "allowance" of $100 a week. Now let me tell you, I realize now how disgusting, and disrespectful that sounds. I wasn't bringing in any money, but I was home with our daughter everyday. And if I could shake the shit out of my former self, I would. But back then, I was ecstatic!! "Yay, $100 of my very own!!" I really didn't understand when my friends were telling me how messed up that was. I get it now...

I'm not sure when things changed, or when I woke up? Maybe when Rob would refuse to give me his debit card to get groceries. He would give me cash(an amount he thought was reasonable) and away I would go. I had to use a calculator to make sure I didn't go over. Some would say that's smart, yes I'm sure it is....but only if it's my choice. Not because my husband didn't trust me with "his" bank account. Around the time I got pregnant with Joel, I also grew some balls. I told my husband that this was a partnership, and he wasn't treating me that way. After some long talks, he not only would let me use his debit card, he actually changed it into a joint account, and gave me my very own card. It only took 3 years.

Now, I'm sure I don't need to mention that having 2 kids, while not necessarily harder...is definitely more tiring. And Joel did.not.sleep. I'm talking like waking 6 times a night until he was 2. So I never made Rob's lunch. I was too tired from being up all night with a baby/toddler. But it was never an issue, until a week ago. Apparently all of his buddies at work feel bad for Rob because "oh, I guess your wife doesn't make your lunch?!" No, I don't. I'm too tired after taking care of children all day, getting up through the night with a teething baby, and bitching at my husband which seems to drain my energy too. And if it wasn't bad enough this is how Rob looks at this whole situation, I'm loosely quoting him, "We're doing this thing old school. But you're not acting like it!" Now, if you're wondering what the eff he is talking about, and don't worry, so was I. "Old school" means like in the 1950's when men worked, and women stayed home managing the babies, the housework, had dinner on the table...and they probably banged their husbands every night too. I'm a bad, bad wife.

So now I'm wondering if I'm in the wrong here? I should also mention that the word "lazy" was thrown around too, although he assured me that he doesn't really think I'm lazy. He just needs me to "help" more. He helps by going to work, so apparently it's my job to make sure his enormous lunch is packed in the morning. I guess taking care of the kids all day,making sure the house is clean,and stepping up during the night when kids/babies are awake isn't help enough. I will also take this time to state that Rob has NEVER gotten up  during the night with any of the kids. No matter how much I have begged him to "help" Ironic? I think so.

Let's talk about sex...

Now lets see how many page views I get;)

Now, there are many things that I'd like to say about sex....but as I've said before, this blog is public, and I've learned recently that my husband is very private about what goes on in our bedroom. Who knew? So, I figured I would make a post about sex that I'm sure most women, mothers especially can relate to.

How?? How do you find the time? How do you find the energy? How do you mentally get yourself there, you know what I mean. Guys can turn it on in a second, I'd love to be able to do that. But, I can't. So, when my husband is ready, I either turn him down, put on a happy face, and pray to be thinking about anything other than tomorrow's grocery list while we're getting busy, and/or become the best actress ever, and fake it. Now, before you get the wrong idea, I have never had a bad time in bed with my husband. It's always enjoyable, and faking it, most of the time, is just to give him a confidence boost....and depending on the night, speed things along;) But, I'm always really upset with myself that when he is in the mood the first thing that comes to my mind is, "Really? I don't feel like it." I'm sure I'm not alone in this.

I stay home all day with 3 kids. Now, I know that no matter what job you happen to do during the day, you inevitably will be tired when you get home. So, I'm definitely not using the SAHM thing as an excuse. But, with that being said, I'm exhausted about 97% of the day, until about 10:00pm. Then my brain wants to party, hence the late night blog posts. A typical day for me goes like this; Between 5-6am wake up with Logan, feed him and most days out him back to bed. I usually crawl back into bed after he goes down around 7am...and that's pretty much the time the other 2 wake up. So, I have to get up. The rest of the day consists of feedings/diaper changes/making meals/laundry/tidying/vacuum/mop/tidy again/and a little yelling, and crying in between(me, and the kids) By the time Rob walks through the door around 6:30, I'm done. I start counting down the time until Logan goes to bed. And after that I usually sit in bed with my laptop, and relax until I can fall asleep. After the kids go to sleep(in our bed) if Rob, or I happen to still be awake, which is rare. He will start with the "Lets go to the couch and "snuggle" Yeah, real subtle. And I think to myself, "Seriously? I'm nice and comfortable, and you want me to get up, and go to the couch to "snuggle" with you? Are you high? Then we argue a little. Apparently I'm not attracted to him anymore, or I have "issues" Or my fave "Why can't we have sex like we did when we first moved in together?" Well, maybe because we didn't have any fucking kids! And nobody sleeping in our bed or keeping us, and by us i mean ME up half the night. Good enough reason for ya?! Guys really are dense sometimes...

I love my husband. But, I am tired. Like, tired in my bones. I don't get enough sleep, I am stressed to the limit, I am struggling with PPD which is just the icing on the cake. I have been telling myself lately that maybe we should like make a sex calendar? I'm not sure if people do this or not, but I almost feel like we have sex more often when we plan it, as lame as that sounds. I guess I just wonder if there are women out there who are able to deal with the kids all day, or do anything all day, spend time with their family in the evening, and still find time to bang their husbands regularly? If you are out there....you are my hero.  

Men are from Mars...

So, since the only topic request I got was men, and sex....here we go.

Now, I'm not going to talk about sex, this is a public blog, and I'm pretty sure my husband would not appreciate me divulging private details...or any details, which I've learnt lately;) But men, that's a different story. Sometimes I think they really are from a different planet!

I'm going to take this time to rant about some things my husband does, tat have me shaking my head.
Doing Dishes
He very rarely loads, or unloads the dishwasher, but when he does....I honestly don't even know what to say. He will stick the dishes anywhere, and everywhere. Plates on top of bowls, on top of plates. Yup, sounds about right. I really love it when I open up a cupboard, and have to scramble to make sure no dishes fall on me. His response when I comment on it? "Well, I just put them where it makes sense to me." Um, okay? I have realized lately that delegating around here is impossible. I really don't consider myself a control freak, but his version of "cleaning the house" and mine, differ greatly...like a lot.
Folding clothes
If you ask most people, the most hated household job is folding and putting away laundry. I know it's mine. So, I'm always happy when Rob offers to take care of it. Until I open my dresser drawers. Ten I remember why it is that I would rather do my most hated job myself than have my husband do it. The "folding" if you can call it that, is ridiculous! Most everything is not folded, it's just layed neatly out straight. And, you know how sometimes stuff gets washed inside out, either because you're supposed to, or because it doesn't get changed after it is taken off? Well, Rob feels that if it's inside out when it comes out of the dryer, that's how it will stay. Really?? So folding clothes, as much as I hate it, is something that I do myself now.
The Kids
Now I know Rob loves his kids, more than anything. But, getting him to watch them while I go out, is impossible. Well, I shouldn't say that. He will keep Ciena and Joel, but he still refuses to watch Logan! I mean, I understood, when Logan was really colicky, and he pretty much just screamed constantly. I didn't appreciate it...but I understood. But even now, he won't watch him while I go anywhere. Even if I tell him that I'll send Ciena and Joel to my mom's, or my gram's. But still nope. Logan is like the easiest baby now. He sleeps wonderfully, if you swaddle him, and turn his white noise on and lay him in his crib, he's out like a light. Same with bedtime. Not to mention I would never leave the kids with him for any longer than a couple of hours. It's just really frustrating to me, that I am here with the kids 24/7, and if I want to go out, I still have to take them. I never get a break! My mom works shiftwork, so during the week, it is almost impossible to find a babysitter, especially since my mom, and my grandparents are pretty much the only people I trust to watch my kids.
Snoring
There is really nothing I can say about Rob's snoring, except Holy Eff! I try to fall asleep before Rob every night. Because if I don't, then I don't sleep. His snoring is out.of.control. He has a cpap machine. But getting him to use it, is like pulling teeth. Some nights it isn't a problem. He gets into bed, puts his mask on, and there is no fighting. But most nights are pretty ridiculous. He falls asleep, then commence the snoring. I wake him up and tell him to put it on. He then sleepily says, "okay" 2 seconds later the snoring starts again. I again wake him up, and tell him to put it on. He gets agitated, and says "I am!" Then the snoring starts again! This is when I start to get a little pissy. And it pretty much goes from there, with us arguing about the damn machine. I threaten to smother him, he ignores me. And by that time I suspect that Rob is not putting the mask on just to spite me. Finally I give up, and try to sleep through it.

There are a ton more things I could write about when it comes to men, more namely, my husband. But, I think I've bored you enough for one day;)

They're back:(

Logan's episodes that is. I am so frustrated,stressed,scared....you name it. A few weeks ago I was rocking Logan in the stroller, and I noticed that every time I pulled the stroller towards me he would have a small one. You almost wouldn't even notice it, if you weren't aware of them. I thought it was a fluke, and forgot about it. Well today was bad. I was getting ready to have a shower this morning, and I picked up Logan's bouncy seat(with him in it) and proceeded to carry him into the bathroom, something I do almost everyday. Well this time he had a few really bad episodes as soon as I started to walk with him. I put him down, and he calmed down.

I'm so lost right now. All day long he has been having them, and the weird thing is, they seem to be more prominent when he is rocked/pushed/pulled/lifted. It seems like they are related to motion. He has been on reflux meds for months, and the pedi was adamant that it was all related to the reflux/sandifers syndrome. And I agreed after they stopped cold after the meds were started. Rob brought up the fact that we  had started Logan on Soy formula per the ER pedi's request, to see if his wheeziness was due to a milk allergy/intolerance. He was on the soy for a total of 4 days, he hated it! Like, I almost had to force feed him every feeding. And even then he was drinking a fraction of what he normally drinks. So Rob suggested to me that maybe the episodes were happening because of the switch? I think both of us are kind of thinking of any possible reason, because the thought that there may not be a reason is stressing us...well, me, out.

I hate this. I hate this worry, it consumes my everyday, all day. All I do is worry about the kids, and while I know that's normal, I feel like the amount that I worry is over the top. It seems like it's all I think about. I imagine scenarios in my head where the kids are in harms way, or the kids are sick, or the kids are scared...I could go on. I hate the fact that my brain just goes into overdrive, and runs away with me. Coming off the heels of a week filled with an ear infection, croup, a baby who cannot sleep because his cough keeps him up. I need a break, and I feel like I'm whining, and I feel guilty because I know that there are parents who are dealing with things that I couldn't even imagine. And then I cry, and cry, and cry. Because the thought of that sends my anxiety through the roof. I feel like I'm drowning under all the worry, and stress. I would just love for one day that I could relax, and not feel the heaviness in my chest thinking about what could possibly be wrong with my kids:(