Reasons my toddler might be a dog...

He is obsessed with toilet water
He spins around in circles when he gets excited
He loves the shit out of balls....that doesn't sound right, but you get the idea.

He feels threatened when he is cornered, and tends to get aggressive
He barks...
His farts often clear the room
He enjoys chewing on shoes
He has no shame
He often leaves a path of destruction behind him...

This is how he carries his toys around

Twins!

Kindred spirits

What I want for Mother's Day.

-To shower BY MYSELF for 20 minutes

-To go an hour without anyone touching me

-To go shopping, and pick out something for myself

-To eat my breakfast/lunch/dinner while it's hot

-To be the only one drinking my tea/water/juice

-To poop.....with the door closed....no fingers under the door....no banging on the door....no bodies slamming against the door

-To not have to change any poopy diapers

-To watch whatever I want on t.v

-To take a nap

-No dishes/laundry/mopping/scrubbing...you get the idea

-Calorie free chocolate

-A nice big thank you

To all the moms out there. Just know that you are all amazing. Being a mother is the toughest job there is, and even though you probably feel like you're doing it wrong sometimes, and you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, and if you hear "Moooooooommmmmmm" one.more.time, you will snap.....know that your children love you more than anything. And they don't notice the screw ups, and even if they do, don't worry, they have like a 3 second memory. Know that you are important, and amazing, and loved!

You know what really grinds my gears??

Sorry I'm a day late, I fell asleep at like 7:30 last night...

Anyways, this week, celebrity edition!!

Kim Kardashian- Alright, so Kim K, famous for nothing, right? I mean, she has a sex tape, and a terrible reality show, but neither of them are any good. Although I will admit, that seeing Kim cry on screen is pretty amusing.

Awesome, right!

She married a complete douchebag, I mean, how she didn't realize what an asshole he was before her 10 million dollar wedding, that lasted 72 days, I'll never understand. So, now she is pregnant. And her stylist is apparently taking a 9 month long smoke break. Holy hell, Kim, you look terrible. You need a maternity bra....STAT! And you pretty much need to burn anything that looks like this,

You are pregnant!! Maternity clothes suck if you have no fucking money, and have to shop at Walmart, but being pregnant, and a millionaire?! Get yourself some clothes that fit you, and a nice pair of maternity underwear that you can tuck under your boobs. You will feel so much better.


Amanda Bynes- Hmmm, I'm not even sure what to say here. But the phrase "Pulling a Britney comes to mind. I'm sure we all remember the old Amanda, the spunky, funny as hell star.

Aww, so cute. Well, let me bring you up to speed. This is where we are now....

Now, I can totally get behind that statement. But, her various new looks, along with her obsessive, and sometimes incoherent tweets, and it is very apparent that girlfriend is in need of some help. And this is a good example of child stars gone wild.


Gisele- Fuck, where do I start with this one? Gisele is one of the few celebrities that I would love to punch out. Her comments regarding motherhood continue to amaze, and irritate me. Here are a few...

“Some people here think they don’t have to breastfeed, and I think, ‘Are you going to give chemical food to your child, when they are so little?’ There should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.”

"I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds."


Well la-di-frickin-da! 


Reese Witherspoon- Now, this is a new one for me. I actually always loved her. But after her husband's DUI, and her insane diva behaviour....my feelings have changed. 

I'm sure a lot of people will say,"people make mistakes!" Yeah, they do. But when your mistake could KILL someone, then I'm sorry, I have no sympathy for you. Not only the fact that they were driving drunk, but, they are millionaires! They can afford a driver to drive them around! I totally get what it's like to be a new parent, you want to go out, blow off some steam. Great, do that. But you have to be really fucking stupid to get behind the wheel after you've been drinking. And then to get all, "Do you even know who I am?!" Yeah, we know. We just don't fucking care.

You know what really grinds my gears??

Tonight is going to be fun. I am doing a mishmash of some of mine, and I'm sure other people's biggest annoyances. Because lists are fun!

-Couples that sit on the same side of the booth. Motherfucking gag! Seriously?? You just can't bear to be separated, even if it's just long enough to choke down a big Mac? Well, let me just say.....you look fucking ridiculous. Like you might as well be on each others lap. What do you think is going to happen if you sit across from one another? Like, I'm honestly asking you this question. Is he going to accidentally have sex with another woman, because you're not velcroed to his side? Is she going to eye up all the seniors enjoying their lunch, get freaked out about spending eternity with you, and bolt? WHAT?! Seriously, stop this shit.

-People who use the bathroom stall right next to yours.  Even when there are like a billion empty ones. Now, I don't need to go into detail why this is annoying. But, it's pretty much the equivalent of when my 3 year old sits on a stool facing me while I try to "do my business" I don't need an audience. I mean, I am in the stall waaaaaaay in the back. Did that not give you any clue? If this is you.....stop it! Do you know how sad it is that I have to poop at the mall just to get some privacy?! Well, you're fucking that up...

-Open this without killing yourself.....I dare you. Why do they make it so hard to open??!! I just want my new memory card!

-Getting "glitterbombed" Now, I realize that glitterbomb is not a real word, but it is now. I have a 6 year old daughter. Do you wanna know what every little girl's birthday card/fancy bag/clothing/and most toys, is covered in? That's right, glitter! Glitter everywhere! I swear, it has been a fucking year since her last birthday party, and there is still glitter everywhere. WTF?! It's a 6 years old's birthday party....not a dirty ass strip club where Ke$ha performs!

-Unexpected company.  am going to swear to you right now, that I am very OCD about the tidiness of my house. But I'm sure there are people who would disagree with me, because they have just happened to show up at my house unexpectedly. Now, not to knock people that do this, I mean, you're in the area, you wanna stop by. Awesome! Just give me a good 15 minutes. Because I guarantee to you, that my house is spotless, until the day when you decide to drop in. That's the day that my kids have succeeded in reducing me to a sweaty, sobbing mess, that just doesn't give a shit that the laundry is everywhere, and the dishes are piling up.  That is the day I am counting down the hours until bedtime....or,it's the weekend. I don't clean on the weekend. ;)

-"No offense" Yeah, well. No offense, but what you just said was fucking offensive.

-Usage of the "R" word, or any other racial/homophobic/all around assholeish slur. Welcome to 2013, we're all equal. Get the fuck over it!

-PEOPLE WHO TYPE EVERYTHING LIKE THIS. Stop yelling,and calm the fuck down.

-This spider in my shower.  No, just no...

-People who call numbers that were on their caller ID....even if they have no idea who it is. This is so strange to me. I often call the wrong number, but don't realize it until it's started ringing, so I hang up in a panic, and carry on. Until 5 minutes later, the phone rings. "Hello?" "Yeah, someone from this number just called here." "Yeah, that was me, I dialed the wrong number." "Alright, bye." What was the point of that??!! Guess what,if they know you, and are actually trying to get a hold of you, they will call back, or leave you a message!

You know what really grinds my gears??

So, unless you're lucky enough to have never had a weight problem, or one of those people with a high metabolism, I'm sure you've been on at least one diet in your life.

If you're as lucky as me, perhaps you've been on the same diet for nearly a decade. Yay for lettuce, and water!

Now,I'm going to lay out a normal day for me....while on a "diet"

5am-wake up

9am-Eat a sensible breakfast, see this is the time of day when I'm still thinking clearly. I'm still all, "Yay for diets! I'm gonna get sooo skinny!"

11am-Hunger starts to plague me. I start thinking of what I can eat while still following my "diet" but my mind keeps wandering. I could eat that all bran bar, which actually is pretty tasty. I could have some raw carrots, an apple....but what I really want, is some meat, and some cheese, and some candy, and some chocolate....you get the drift.

12pm-Still haven't eaten anything. Trying to hold off until 1, when Logan takes his nap. Then I'll have a healthy lunch. I give myself a pep talk, tell myself how awesome I am. But I'm not awesome. I'm really fucking weak, you know why? Because I just ate two twinkies, I told myself that it wouldn't matter. I told myself that they don't count. I'll start fresh with my next meal. But I don't.

1pm-Holy shit, I'm starving!! I'm so hungry in fact, that when Joel asks me to put on a new dvd for him to watch, I get annoyed with how long it takes for the menu screen to come up,so I can press play. Like, really annoyed. I go from cupboard,to cupboard, to fridge, to freezer. Nothing looks good. So what do I do? I eat doritos....for lunch. Great choice, right? And now I hate myself. And, it's at this point that I tell myself that I will start fresh tomorrow. Today, there's no point.

The rest of the day-I pretty much stuff my face,simply because I have justified it by reminding myself that I m starting fresh tomorrow, so the rest of this day doesn't count.

Yeah, I'm really not confused about why I'm still fat. The worst part is, I really want to be able to do this. I want to be the girl from those pinterest ads. You know, the ones who list off the reasons they're strong?! I want that to be me. I really want for people that haven't seen me in a year, to tell me that I look amazing, because I've lost a ton of weight. And I really, really want to be that girl that people just can't believe has had three kids.

I'm trying, well, I'm not really trying, but I want to. I really don't want this to be my story.

I'm trying hard to find some motivation. But on the bright side, if I don't, Rob said he'll tie a steak to the bumper, and I can chase him down the road. Happy Monday!

If I had a million dollars...

Imagine me singing that. Sounds good, doesn't it?

Anyways, in honour of the 649 jackpot tomorrow being a whooping $55 million dollars, I decided to compile a list of things that I would do if I won.....

-Wipe my ass with a $100 bill, just because I could

-Trick out my minivan....totally not kidding

-"Rent" Rebel Wilson for the day

-Disneyworld baby!!

-Move into this house....ASAP!

-Hire a professional photog to follow my kids around all day, taking candid photos

-Hire a professional trainer/cook/stylist

-Hire Justin Timberlake to show up at my house....like this

-Finally buy a flatscreen t.v.....or 10

-Go to college

-Fund some cool, cutting edge research

-Hire someone to come take all of the junk my husband has littered our yard with for 7 years. Yes, even the camper, that's sole purpose is to hold more junk. Take it all!

-Hire a nanny that's only job is dealing with tantrums, and diapers

-Punch Justin Bieber in the face. There's too many reasons to list

-Give my mom enough money to retire....so she has more time to babysit

-Finally make all of my Pinterest boards a reality!!

Shit my 3 year old did today...

-Picked his nose, and ate his boogers.

-"checked" to make sure his bum was wiped properly....with his finger.

-Ripped our entire newspaper into confetti small pieces,and threw it around the living room

-Kicked his little brother down for touching his chair

-insisted it was an "accident"

-Dumped a bowl of cheerios down his pants

-slammed the bathroom door 5 times after exiting

-Threw pieces of bread onto the floor while shouting "quack quack!"

-Sang this song for 45 minutes, "P is for poop. p p poop!"

-Changed his clothing 3 times,then decided he only wanted to wear underwear

-Told his sister she was a "poop sandwich"

-Hid under the kitchen table for 20 minutes......without telling anyone he was going to hide

-Cried for half an hour because we didn't have any balloons???

-Cried for 10 minutes because he bit his little brother, and then his little brother pulled his hair

-Started throwing toys violently out of the toy box looking for something.

-Halfway through, he forgot what he was looking for

-Ran through through the house screaming happily, while his siblings looked on in confusion

-Put his father's dirty sock in his mouth

-Tore all of the blankets off of my freshly made bed

-Got mad because he was ready for bed,and there were no blankets on the bed

-Fell asleep on the couch, waiting for me to re-make the bed